Playing nice

[mamato1]

I have been a long time lurker and fairly recent poster. This board can often be my sanity in a crazy world. I have been awed by the intelligence, wit, caring, and devotion to our babies that the members of this board so willingly bring to the table.

The occasional blemish on this community is the way that things spiral quickly out of control when controversy rears its ugly head. I have done my best in the past to just avoid those threads.

Today, I did something for which I am not proud, not only did I jump into something negative, but I contributed to its downward spiral.

I have so admired Neve for the entire time that I have frequented these boards. She is such an inspiration to me. I know that I am not the only one who marvels at all that she does. When I read her thread I was incensed. I replied about the childishness of it all and then I proceeded to be childish. My intent was to defend Neve. I still stand by my comment that there is no excuse for bringing names and controversy from here at BBB to MDC, or any other community for that matter. However, in light of Rachel's thread, it has become clear that all fo the facts are not on the table.

I also greatly admire Rachel and am deeply saddened that in my misplaced zeal I may have hurt one mother while trying to defend another.

So, in the spirit of making things right I wanted to start a new thread publicly apologizing for jumping in when I should not have.

Neve and Rachel, please know that I am inspired by you both and would probably have remained a lurker without the openness and caring you have both displayed.

I promise next time I bring my ball over to play, I will play nice.

Humbly,

Chris

Mama to Brendan (aka Boomer) 01/04

http://lilypie.com/baby2/040116/0/1/3/-6/.png

[trumansmom]

Although I am proud that I stood up for Rachel, I realize that others may have felt I attacked them. For that I am sincerely sorry. It was not my intention. I don't normally spout off the way I did tonight, and hopefully, I won't again.

I'm caging my mama tiger. :)

Jeanne
Mom to Truman 11/01 and Eleanor 4/04
Independent Consultant, Do-Re-Me & You!

[jesseandgrace]

Yes, yes, yes. I am soooooo not proud of myself here. I did and do support both, but I jumped in when I was thinking about some nameless person, and then when it became clear that we didn't know all the facts, and who the person might be, boy did I feel like a jerk. I do know that I would have just offered support to both parties had I known who both parties were, not just one, so I only had the mob mentality towards a nameless faceless person, but obviously that person had a name and a face, and it was totally inappropriate for me to offer any more than support for both. I too am very sorry.

[jesseandgrace]

Yes, yes, yes. I am soooooo not proud of myself here. I did and do support both, but I jumped in when I was thinking about some nameless person, and then when it became clear that we didn't know all the facts, and who the person might be, boy did I feel like a jerk. I do know that I would have just offered support to both parties had I known who both parties were, not just one, so I only had the mob mentality towards a nameless faceless person, but obviously that person had a name and a face, and it was totally inappropriate for me to offer any more than support for both. I too am very sorry.

[stella]

I think it's fine to support a friend against an unknown enemy. I must be "dense" as the other post put it, because until she resigned and referenced MDC, I still didn't catch on that it might be Rachel that Neve was talking about.

And honestly, I still don't know that. I would expect that Rachel has more than 30ish posts to MDC and I would be really surprised to hear that she complained about someone personally and by name.

Honestly, I don't think either one of them has firmed up exactly who we are talking about and what exactly happened - and they are certainly under no obligation to do so.

I think it's good to support our friends, so I don't think anyone should be embarrassed about being upset on Neve's behalf. Certainly, none of you were crying out for *Rachel's* head on a platter.

And if Neve had mentioned Rachel by name, then I think some of the responsive posts might have been a little less angry and a little more curious in tone.

But girls, I don't think you should beat yourselves up for standing up for friends - we still (or at least I don't) don't know what exactly happened in that MDC thread!

Feel free to fill me in if I am missing something, but I don't think any *responsive* posters did anything wrong!

Claire

[stella]

I think it's fine to support a friend against an unknown enemy. I must be "dense" as the other post put it, because until she resigned and referenced MDC, I still didn't catch on that it might be Rachel that Neve was talking about.

And honestly, I still don't know that. I would expect that Rachel has more than 30ish posts to MDC and I would be really surprised to hear that she complained about someone personally and by name.

Honestly, I don't think either one of them has firmed up exactly who we are talking about and what exactly happened - and they are certainly under no obligation to do so.

I think it's good to support our friends, so I don't think anyone should be embarrassed about being upset on Neve's behalf. Certainly, none of you were crying out for *Rachel's* head on a platter.

And if Neve had mentioned Rachel by name, then I think some of the responsive posts might have been a little less angry and a little more curious in tone.

But girls, I don't think you should beat yourselves up for standing up for friends - we still (or at least I don't) don't know what exactly happened in that MDC thread!

Feel free to fill me in if I am missing something, but I don't think any *responsive* posters did anything wrong!

Claire

[darby24]

Another dense head here. I'm not even good at guessing who is pregnant, let alone this.

I am extremely disappointed in myself for my reaction to the original thread (re; banning). I wish that I could edit that *part* now.

I just wanted (and still want) to support Neve in her situation, found the initial post upsetting (and head scratching) and let my feelings lead me to jumping on the bandwagon. I'm sorry I stepped over the line.

[Rachels]

I'd be sad if you all thought you had to choose whom to support, now or ever. Please don't let this divide the boards. Neve and I don't have to like each other for others here to like us both.

-Rachel
Mama to Abigail Rose
5/18/02
http://www.gynosaur.com/assets/ribbons/ribbon_amethyst_36m.gif
Nursed for three years!

and Ethan James
10/19/05
http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/bf.jpg


"When you know better, you do better."
Maya

[cmdunn1972]

I really wish everyone would stop saying, "I need more details" about what happened. While it's human to want to know, the best thing is to 1) refrain from passing judgement and 2) realize that if you weren't directly involved it's really none of your business. Otherwise we become gossip fiends.

Some rules that I like to live by:

If I have a problem with someone, I try to settle the matter privately. If I need to vent, then I seek out a friend who can keep confidence and is uninvolved and doesn't know any of the parties involved.

If someone chooses to vent to me, then I try to remember that 1) there are 2 sides to every story and 2) the person is venting to get things off his or her chest, not to start rumors, so confidence and empathy are the most effective ways of showing support. "I'm sorry this happened to you" is all that needs to be said most of the time unless they ask for advice.

Speaking for myself, I really don't want to know the details, and I think we've learned too much already. The classiest thing one can do is to simply say, "I'm sorry you're going through this stressful time, and I hope it gets resolved to your satisfaction in a timely matter."

Rachel and Neve, I wish you both all the best!

[KBecks]

I tend to think this is a misunderstanding that blew out of proportion, and I'm frustrated that it grabbed so much attention at the boards (including mine).

I think that mistakes probably happened on both sides. Neve was obviously upset about what she felt was an invasion of her privacy and being used on another board, and unfortunately, (and I believe somewhat unintentionally), brought it back to BBB which created even more gossip.

I had no idea of any of the backstory and don't need it. I'm confident that these kinds of blow-ups are VERY infrequent.

Anyway, whoever has made mistakes at this board or MDC, we're all human and it happens. I hope everyone can learn from the experience, forgive themselves and each other, and move on.