Holiday meals--how far do you go to accomodate?

[DebbieJ]

I hosted the turkey day yesterday and accomodated my BIL by making plain frozen corn as a side dish. I was going to make a creamed corn casserole. We also had mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, and brocoli with cheese sauce, so nothing too fancy! But plain corn is all he'll eat in the veggie department.

I am also hosting Christmas at my house. We are actually doing it on Friday the 23rd. Since people will be coming from work, I want to keep it simple. (Plus, after making a big sit down dinner yesterday, I'm in no mood to do it again anytime soon!)

I decided I'm going to make a great chicken taco crock pot recipe. I think it was posted here not too long ago, but I actually got it from a friend. I sent out an email today with a list of what others can bring; chips, salsa, guacamole, taco shells, taco toppings, rice, dessert, and beer were all on my list.

My sister wrote back asking if that was all we were making because BIL does not like Mexican food, especially if it's too spicy. He is a meat and potatoes kind of guy and I'm really sick of hearing "He won't eat that."

DH and I used to be vegetarian and you know what? We ate what was served when invited for dinner at someone's house! Sometimes that included eating meat. So why can't my BIL just eat what is served??? In this case I would have to cook something entirely different for him and I'm really not in the mood to do that. Shouldn't the burden of making a different plate be on him?

I haven't responded to my sister's email yet and thought I should get some feedback (and calm down a bit) before I do.

Your thoughts? Would you change the menu or cook a separate plate to accomodate one person?

Edited for spelling and to add that there will be five kids 8 yo and under as well, so I will probably get some chix nuggets for them. BIL can just eat those I suppose.

~ deb
DS born at home 12/03
BFARed for 20 months and 6 days
(Breastfeeding After Reduction is possible! www.bfar.org)

http://www.bfar.org/members/fora/style_avatars/Ribbons/18months-bfar.jpg

[Marisa6826]

Nope. There are plenty of options available to your BIL. If nothing else, he can have some rice and lettuce/tomatoes. Would he pull this crap if his boss invited him to a dinner at his house?

It would be one thing if he was strongly allergic to something, or if it was a once in a while thing, but it just sounds as if he's a colossal PITA.

Tell your Sister that he's not 4yo. He can stop and get his Happy Meal on the way home if he's still hungry. She can always bring him his own Snack Trap of Cheerios. :P

-m

[octmom]

ITA. I am a semi-plain eater, but even if I don't really like what is served, I eat some of it and thank my host for the wonderful meal, without ever letting on that it is not my favorite. Is your BIL the PITA or would he be embarassed if he knew that your sister was telling you about his strange eating habits? Maybe she is the one making it a big deal and he would be embarassed if he knew what she was doing? I got really annoyed with my DH when he said something at a family dinner (his side) about me not liking something.

BTW, Marisa, I am so glad to see your humor here again. I have missed reading your posts lately. :)

Jerilyn
DS, Sean 10/03
expecting #2! EDD April 1, 2006, but anticipating a C/S in March

"Baby makes days shorter, nights longer, home happier, and love stronger."

[pb&j]

I think it's pretty presumptuous for your sis/BIL to expect you to change your menu to accomodate him. Tell her they're welcome to bring something of their own to eat. Otherwise, he can just have a meatless taco w/o salsa. The only time it's acceptable for a guest in someone's home to ask for the menu to be changed is in case of allergy, religious objections, or medically necessary dietary restriction. And even if he doesn't like what's served, he should thank the hostess for putting so much effort into the preparation of a fantastic meal.


-Ry,
mom to Emma, stillborn 11/04/04
and Max, edd 01/15/06 - it's a HEALTHY BOY!

http://lilypie.com/days/060115/3/25/1/-5/.png[/img] ([img)

[elliput]

BIL should make the best of what is offered or bring his own food. I can see making a reasonable accomodation, but changing an entire menu, no.

[emilyf]

my dh is a picky eater which drives me crazy, but neither he nor I ever make special requests for him-even if it's close family.
Emily mom of Charlie born 11/02 and Zoe born 9/05

[nd93]

I would just plainly answer her question and say yes that is all we are having and say no more. If he wants to eat before/after or bring his own, so be it.

[lisams]

I think I would innocently say something like "Oh, please don't think I'll be offended if he brings his own meal if he doesn't like what we are having, he's free to use the grill/oven/microwave"

He is being rude and childish, and you do not need to make a seperate meal for him!!

Golly, and I thought toddlers were picky eaters!

[alexsmommy]

Unless it's a allergy issue, I think that it is just plain rude not to "put up and shut up" when someone invites you into their home. I would say, "Yep, that's all that I'm planning. If you'd like to bring something else though, feel free." I don't particularly like red meat. Yet, if someone told me they were inviting us over for Christmas dinner and serving steak, I would just fill up on the other items. I would not go out of my way at all - and I like to think I try to accommodate people where I can... but to expect a whole different entree is just crazy. JMHO.
Alaina
Alex 2-4-03

[kristine_elen]

As a vegetarian, I am often in a position of not being able to eat the main course, and often side dishes. I will admit that there have been a few rare instances where I've gotten my feelings a bit hurt when the cook (say, my MIL) knew I was a vegetarian but made a meal that had meat in almost everything. (Most vegetarians don't eat meat just to be polite; I think my body would go into convulsions, as it's been about 20 years since I had any.) I never make a fuss, though, and just smile and say I'll be fine, don't worry about it.

I don't know the family dynamics, but I think it would be nice if for the sake of peace and tranquility, you maybe bought a frozen single-serve lasagna or something that he could eat. You definitely shouldn't have to cook a separate meal. Also, if it's a small gathering I'd be more likely to accommodate. I wouldn't dream of serving my SIL or her husband a meal I knew they wouldn't like. Then again, if you're having a large number of people over and this guy is just being picky, I'd say he'll just have to deal with it.

[saschalicks]

This is so tough for me to answer, but I will say that if you are making a big dinner for a bunch of people you should definitely answer simply. "Yes, this is all that we're making, if you'd like to make something for him feel free to." I know I don't eat fish esp Salmon and MIL (not b/c either of us said anything, only b/c she knows I don't eat it) has made me chicken, but yet again that's been when it's like 6 people. There's always something I don't eat (whether side dish or main course) that doesn't mean I walk out pissed b/c they didn't make something "speacial" for me. I think your Sister/BIL need to figure it out on their own. BTW, FWIW I think your sister has a lot of nerve asking knowing what kind of trouble you are going to for this event.

[Momof3Labs]

I'd reply with one of the following things:

1. He can always eat chicken nuggets with the kids - as long as he leaves enough for the kids!

2. The nearest McDonald's is ... and they are welcome to stop either before or after the get-together at your house.

3. She is welcome to bring another dish that would suit his tastes, but that is all that YOU are serving.

I'd get sick and tired of that too. My SIL is a super picky eater, and we got REALLY sick of trying to find a restaurant that she would eat at when we went on a family vacation a few years back.

[mom_hanna]

Sorry, he needs to find something to eat from what is offered - if what he likes doesn't fill him up, he can eat more when he gets home!

[calebsmama03]

I really like that suggestion! Put's the responsibility on them in a benign way.

FWIW, I don't eat pork or beef but when I go to someone's house for a meal I just eat the side dishes or deal with it and eat later :)
Lynne
Mommy to C 3/03
http://www.gynosaur.com/assets/ribbons/ribbon_emerald_18m.gif[/img][/url]
And Miss Purple, 5/05

[JBaxter]

First -- Are you going to share the recipe?

Second -- Patty him a hamburger stick it on the forman grill and microwave him a can of corn. :) Then have the good stuff!

[alleyoop]

I might say something like:

"Yes, that is all that I am preparing, but I was hoping that you would be the perfect people to help me by providing the additional kid-friendly items. I am sure that the kids and *Pete* would be happy with chicken nuggets, plain corn and grapes. Make sure that you bring enough for him and *8* children... blah, blah"

RUDE! If he is going to gripe, he can provide for himself and all the other non-mainstream eaters!

[brittone2]

I do try to find out before any event I'm hosting if there are any special dietary issues/restrictions (is anyone a vegetarian? allergic to something?), but the way your sister and BIL are handling this seems ridiculous. He needs to grow up and either show up with something he WILL eat (without making any fanfare about it) or figure out how to make himself a taco sans anything spicy.

I was a vegetarian for almost 10 years and during that time I usually felt really awkward if people felt they had to accomodate me. I mean, I'd have much preferred to make my own PB&J vs. having them go to any trouble. If a friend's family (in high school and college) served meat, I'd just eat the meatless side dishes. I wouldn't make a big to-do about it. I personally wouldn't have eaten the meat as a courtesy but I wouldn't have asked them to make anything special. Whenever possible before gatherings like that I'd eat at home beforehand so it wasn't much of an issue if I couldn't find much to eat.

I definitely think you should tell your sister the menu is set, but they are welcome to bring something along for your BIL that is acceptable to him. This day in age, everyone has such diverse dietary restrictions (Atkins, vegatarian/vegan, wheat/gluten free, etc. etc.) that it can be almost impossible to accomodate everyone. It isn't as if you are serving something terribly exotic...he can get over it. Asking everyone else to eat plain, bland food if that isn't what *they* prefer is just rude IMO.

Serve what you were planning on serving before this unwanted input was offered ;)

[squimp]

I have a bunch of vegetarian friends and also one good friend who has both a dairy and a wheat allergy. So I'm happy to provide some alternatives for those folks. I kinda like being sensitive to their requests.

However, for someone who just doesn't like Mexican or whatever, I'd say "well, may be this will make him change his mind. And if not, there will be chicken nuggets for the kids, I'll make sure to have enough for 'BIL' too".

[DebbieJ]

Here it is!

Chicken Tacos:
20 6 oz. chicken breasts, cut into 3/4� strips
3 pkgs. Taco seasoning
4 c. salsa

In large crockpot, layer 1 c. salsa, 1/3 chicken breasts, 1 pkg. taco seasoning, 1 c. salsa. Repeat layers until ingredients are used up. Use additional salsa if more moisture is needed. Cook on low for 10 hours. As you stir the mixture, the tender chicken will shred.

To make less, use 1 lbs chicken, 1 envelope taco seasoning and 1-1/2 c. salsa.

Hmmm...now that I look at it, those proportions seem really off. You'll have to play with the amount of chicken. 20 6 oz breasts means 7 pounds of meat, right? Then the making less directions don't make sense. I'll have to go look up the other recipe that was posted here.

Edited to add that I found this one on a slow cooker website:
Chicken Tacos


1 lb boneless skinless chicken breasts
1 packet taco seasoning
1 c. chicken broth

Combine in crock; cook 6-8 hours on low. Removed breasts from crock and fork-shred. Spoon a bit of the juice over it if desired. Serve on warmed tortillas with cheese, salsa, sour cream, black olives...anything your taco heart desires! I've also been known to spoon some leftover brown rice into the meat after cooking.


~ deb
DS born at home 12/03
BFARed for 20 months and 6 days
(Breastfeeding After Reduction is possible! www.bfar.org)

http://www.bfar.org/members/fora/style_avatars/Ribbons/18months-bfar.jpg

[samiam]

I'd tell them chicken nuggets will also be available, and that they can feel free to bring along an entree your BIL will eat. I agree with the others - it's different if it's a food allergy or something, but you're supposed to accomodate him just because he's picky? Gimme a break!

[kijip]

I do nothing to accomodate special requests. Especially for picky people. Picky people need to realize a few basic facts of life:

-Adults eat or don't eat what they are served but they never complain about it to hosts.
-some spouses that are less picky can quietly eat the things that you can't stand.
-Long sips of water are well known to wash down anything.
-Food can be eaten tcoming or going from dinners that don't work for you.
-Most hosts let guests take what they want from a larger serving dish. Take normal portions of stuff you like, small portions of stuff you can force down and none of things that make you wretch.

I am a fairly picky eater at home and I tend to not eat certain things- low on dairy including NO cottage cheese, yogurt, limited number of cheeses, hate certain vegetables (brussel sprouts, cauliflower, beets) and ground meats, soy. I follow the above rules and have eaten everything from creamy, dairy laden things (YUCK) to cheese covered cauliflower (Double YUCK!) to hamburger helper casserole (Triple YUCK!). I am still alive to tell the tale even if I did get Taco Del Mar on the way home to prevent myself from eating my own arm due to the small portions I ate! I eat so many things that most people have no idea I am picky. Helps that I love a lot of foods that many picky people hate----I am not a meat and potatos picky I guess since I eat seafood, most veggies including things a lot of people hate like greens and I have no hesitation to try anything once!

Your BIL should eat the chicken nuggets and keep his mouth shut!

ETA- I have a lot of vegetarian friends so I have veggie options (most or all of the dinner meatless) for dinner parties as a matter of course. I tend to assume someone is a vegetarian unless I know they eat meat.

[ellies mom]

About since it seems to be a make your own taco kind of thing, I would consider making some meat a little less spicy. I only say that because that really can be a health issue similar to allergies. My DH can't handle spicy food without being up all night. As long as there is a non-spicy option, then he should suck it up and eat what is offered. Like PP's have mentioned, he can always grab something on the way there or back. Or as other PP's have mentioned, you could assign them a dish to bring such as lasanga. So he would have something he will eat and you don't have to worry about it.

[chiqanita]

I truly care about my BIL and would want him to feel comfortable in my home so I would make a separate dish for him. Sounds like your BIL likes it simple so why not do the corn and bake or grill a chicken breast for him.

Sounds like you're very peeved so I would have to ask you is it your sister or BIL who 'demands' this special attention?

[icunurse]

Unless it is an allergy issue, I wouldn't alter my menu (heck, my brother is allergic to nuts and I still have served green bean almondine and pecan pie in the past - he just didn't eat them). I would be a bit peeved by the request, but probably do as the others have suggested - point out the nearest McD's or offer use of your microwave. Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I feel like you are not supposed to impose upon the hostess (even if it is a relative).
Traci
~Connor's Mom 02/2004~
Agency paperwork completed - waiting for #2!

[alexsmommy]

I guess I don't consider being a vegetarian the same thing as being a picky eater who expects accomodations. To me, being a vegetarian is a lifestyle choice and I am totally ok with that. When I know someone is a vegetarian, I just find out which kind - and if they eat dairy/eggs, I make a huge salad that can be both side dish or a meal with fresh mozarella and boiled eggs. If they don't do dairy/eggs, I just let them know I haven't the slightest how to make something that isn't just boring lettuce leaves, but tell them we'd love to spend time with them and that they are welcome to bring their own entree or something for everyone to share.
Alaina
Alex 2-4-03

[leanng]

Maybe it's because i'm a 'reforming' picky eater, but I think everyone is being a little harsh here. It's a Christmas family gathering and it wouldn't be that hard to have some sandwich meat or something in the fridge? I definately am not advocating a separate meal or extra work for you but it IS this guy's Christmas right?

I also think i'm extra sympathetic b/c the food is spicy. My husband and I can have really bad/painful stomach reactions to even mildly spicy food. Think of your bathrooms! :)

I guess my 'advice' is-
- Make dinner more of a potluck situation, at least then your BIL will have something he'll eat. (And, the work will be spread out so it's not all on you)
- Try not to harbor resentment towards your BIL or Sister. Your BIL may be oblivious (and mortified) that you were involved. I know i'm picky but eat things I hate (even meat while still a vegetarian- talk about sick).
- Enjoy the family gathering!! I hosted Christmas Eve at my house last year and we ended up ordering in Chinese because noone could agree on what to eat.:)

LeAnn
Mom to Alex 11/12/02

[kijip]

I would just like to point out that that does not sound very spicy to me at all. Especially if you use hot salsa as a garnish and not in the meat (using mild/medium for thew chicken). So a plain chicken taco with lots of sour cream and veggies is not going to be too spicy so IMO this all comes gown to him only liking a limited number of foods, not him not being able to eat spicy food. As I said before, the burden should be on the picky eaters like me and not on you the hostess!

And I am going to use your recipe! Thanks!

[Globetrotter]

I like the idea of heating a frozen lasagna for him, or something like that. No extra work for you, and he will be fed. Let your sister know the plan so there are no surprises.

I wouldn't go out of my way to accomodate picky eaters in a large group. If they are the only guests, then it's different..

Funny, but we are vegetarians, as are many of our friends, and we have a similar issue when one of our friends comes over. He is a meat and potatoes kind of guy, even hates tomato sauce! I usually ask his wife for ideas, and I tend to make things with fake meat when he visits, or keep it simple (something like cheese pizza for him).

Once one of my friends was visiting from France. We were friends back in college, but since then she had been diagnosed with a gluten intolerance. I read up on it during her visit and tried to accomodate it, but she was too nice to tell me that tomatoes were also a no-no. I didn't realize it until she avoided them.. I wish she had been more forthright with it, considering it's a health issue, but I guess she didn't want to impose on me! (not that I would have minded, at all)

Many people are vegetarians for religious, cultural or philosophical reasons.. you can't expect them to eat meat.
Kris

[tiikeri2]

I agree with the majority of the PPs. Don't go out of your way for BIL if this is a picky thing. If it was allergies, etc. I'd be more forgiving, but BIL sounds like my 2 yr. old when I accidentally put the syrup too close to the pancake. I'd tell them Mexican is the menu, but they are free to bring what they would like to accomodate his tastes.

Kay

[jillc]

Deb~

You're obviously working your butt off to host the holiday dinners. Sorry to hear that your sis isn't being very appreciative. You already got some great ideas, like inviting them to bring something else for him to eat, or inviting him to have the chicken nuggets w/the kiddos.

I'd tell my sis that if her hubby doesn't like those options, then there's always PB&J. ;) He could make his own sandwich at your house assuming you have the stuff.

Best,
Jill

[KBecks]

There you go on the chicken nuggets. I think you are right to do the plain corn for him, because that is easy enough.

We have a cousin who is allergic to all dairy and whey -- and so there are always separate dishes for her -- dairy-free mashed potatoes and pumpkin pie.

But that's because the allergy is really severe, and I consider those exceptional circumstances. I do things like avoid a mocha dessert for friends who don't like coffee, but I'd only make changes that are easy and not a huge hassle.

You could reserve some of the chicken from the recipe and give him some bread for a sandwich. Don't worry about any side dishes, if he's a meat and potatoes guy any type of meat or meat and cheese sandwich should suffice.

[hez]

My DH is a meat & potatoes guy. And he eats whatever whoever's cooking cooks. Especially if we didn't have to do the cooking ;)

If I was in BIL's place, I'd take a Zantac before the meal and deal with it. And at certain friends' homes, that's exactly what I do since I know their cooking style and my tummy don't always agree.

Nuggets sound like an acceptable alternative if he can't bring himself to eat what the adults are eating!

[kransden]

What I would do is since you have small children who might want a taco is make some unseasoned meat the day before and reheat it. BIL and the kids can eat that with chips and cheese. My dd loves doing what the big people do, but she can't eat spicy yet. If you don't think it would be worth it, just tell your sister that is what you are having, and she is welcome to bring whatever she wants.

Karin and Katie 10/24/02

[DebbieJ]

Thank you everyone for your suggestions. Unfortunately, I have two other sisters clouding the issue.

Apparently my older sister (OS) told my younger sister (YS2--the one in question) that we would just do lasagna instead. Um, hello? The party is at my house! I did not change the menu. OS told YS2 that we were doing it together, so she would take care of it. I had no idea that it was a joint venture. I'm still feeling a big indignant (along with YS1) about having to change everything for one person to begin with, so I'm not feeling particularly flexible at the moment.

So I talked to YS2 today and basically told her I was serving what I was serving and she was welcome to bring something else. She got mad at me and said "Fine, we'll eat before we come" and hung up on me. I have not called her back.

Now this is becoming a huge family drama. Grrr...

~ deb
DS born at home 12/03
BFARed for 20 months and 6 days
(Breastfeeding After Reduction is possible! www.bfar.org)

http://www.bfar.org/members/fora/style_avatars/Ribbons/18months-bfar.jpg

[icunurse]

I don't see why OS can't "take care of it" like she said she would, while you continue with your plans. Why does it have to be one or the other or even a joint venture? Ugh....tis the season for family discord fa-la-la-la-la....we have our own battle going on here, too :)
Traci
~Connor's Mom 02/2004~
Agency paperwork completed - waiting for #2!

[wagner36]

OMG, I would be so mad at OS. My MIL does that to me a lot. I'll say that we're having homemade bread and chicken wild rice soup for Christmas Eve (a tradition in my family), and she'll show up with a crown roast for everyone. Ummmm, no - not cooking a crown roast with no warning. I finally just told her it was hurting my feelings and that we weren't planning on having formal dinners until kids were older and our dining room was not a playroom.

I wouldn't call her back. Then again, my parents made a full Thanksgiving meal for my brother, when the rest of us HATE Thanksgiving food and would rather have had Chinese.

My sister, who thinks PEPPER is spicy and too hot to eat, is the worst. I can't even tell you how many times she's been in tears because I've put pepper on food without remembering her craziness.

[wagner36]

OMG, I would be so mad at OS. My MIL does that to me a lot. I'll say that we're having homemade bread and chicken wild rice soup for Christmas Eve (a tradition in my family), and she'll show up with a crown roast for everyone. Ummmm, no - not cooking a crown roast with no warning. I finally just told her it was hurting my feelings and that we weren't planning on having formal dinners until kids were older and our dining room was not a playroom.

I wouldn't call her back. Then again, my parents made a full Thanksgiving meal for my brother, when the rest of us HATE Thanksgiving food and would rather have had Chinese.

My sister, who thinks PEPPER is spicy and too hot to eat, is the worst. I can't even tell you how many times she's been in tears because I've put pepper on food without remembering her craziness.

[KBecks]

Blow it off! Let them eat before they come if they're the picky eaters.

[mskitty]

I have chosen to deal with these situations in many ways. Close friends and families know of my food sensitivies and allergies. They tend to let me know what they are serving and ask if it is something I can eat or modify since they prefer not to see me violently ill.

I also preplan for events where I do not know what will be served. For most banquets I plan on eating bread and salad as everything else can and usually is suspect for me to eat. I usually grab a granola bar or something before hand and plan on eating something afterwards. I also tend not to burden those whom I'll never meet again with my dietary restrictions and just eat what I can. Ultimately what goes into my body is my resposibility...I try to make the best choices of what is available.

If your BIL "CHOOSES" not to eat something, that is his problem. He can politely decline and eat something else later. Likewise, he can bring something that is complimentary to the main menu that he will eat. A taco bar is one of the best group buffet ideas as everyone can make their own tacos or salads to their own specifications.


MsKitty