How do I deal with her???

[Radosti]

Sorry, I need advice on how to deal with my mom. She is by far the most critical person I know. And she's good at ladling out that Jewish mother guilt on top of that as well. Except now it's no longer working (well, the guilt part).

I just don't know how to deal with her. Deep down inside, I know she means well. Even deeper, I know that her venomous comments are all because for some reason she is panicking about this pregnancy of mine. But it's at a point where I won't answer the phone more than once a day when she is calling. And I will try to just let her know I'm alive and hang up the phone.

Last Wednesday, we had the 36 week pre-natal appointment. The doctor felt the baby and said, "Well, I wouldn't invest in newborn clothing if I were you!" When my mom asked about the appointment and how big did the doctor think the baby was, I thought it was a pretty innocuous comment to relate to her. Well, she goes, "Hmmmm.... I knew you were overfeeding that baby! Now you'll need a C-section!!!" This is all said in a very accusing tone. I blew up and asked her if she honestly didn't think genetics had anything to do with it? Oh no, HER babies were 6 lbs 7 oz and 6 lbs 11 oz. Ummm... hubby was 9 lbs and his older sister was 9 something. Anyway, she saw that she was in the wrong, so she gave me a tearful "I only have your best interests in mind!" and hung up on me.

Today, she called and we were talking. I said I was heading to bed. She asked if my legs were very swollen. I said they were. She said I should elevate them more. I said that I have to be reclining on my back to do that and the acid reflux is worse than the swollen legs. She asked if I was taking anything and I replied that I am up to 12 tums a day now. "Oh, I had terrible acid reflux with you, but I just dealt with it and didn't take anything!" This is again delivered with an accusing tone. It's calcium for pete's sake!!! I actually need calcium!!! Plus, last night I was out of tums and ended up throwing up a ridiculous amount of acid. It's not like it's healthy for me to just suffer through acid reflux!!! When I said all that, she accused me of eating big meals and that's what brought on the acid reflux. Ummm... for dinner I had a single serving of mashed potatoes and 8 chestnuts for desert/protein.

I am beginning to panic here. She insists on spending a week here when the baby comes. Hubby is taking two weeks off at the end of december (whether or not Aaron makes an appearance, although he better!!!) I don't need or want my mom there to torture me in my most vulnerable state. If I can't do anything right already, what's it going to be like when he is here??? I know that the first weeks are the most trying ones and combined with hormones, it's going to be even worse. I am just really terrified that having her here is going to make it unbearable.

[kelly ann]

So sorry you have to deal with all of your mom's comments...especially when you are 8 months pregnant!

My mom and I struggled with our relationship after DS. With the second baby, it was completely different.

Looking back, I think she was struggling with her new role as grandmother and also trying to know how to advise me given that so many things have changed since I was a baby. For example, she was not completely supportive of breastfeeding with DS, but now she is behind me 100%.

In my case, it definitely got better with time (and a second baby). My mom became more familiar with how things are different these days with child rearing and I became less stressed out over how to take care of a child. It was like we both met somewhere in the middle :)

I hope things work out for you, but you both have to be willing to meet in the middle.

As for having her help you out - think twice before you commit. Tell her that you may want her to delay her visit for 1-2 weeks after the birth.

[brittone2]

I may be in the minority here on this topic, but I firmly believe it is best to set a a precedent early. Even if her advice is well-intentioned, it will only get worse in most cases when baby arrives. In the early weeks when you are tired, sore, emotional, and very vulnerable, it is all the more painful. I'm not sure if you are planning on BFing for example, but well-intentioned but inaccurate or stressful 'advice" given out during that or any other aspect of child care can really take a toll on a mama.

I think you need to talk with her about it now. I'd let her know you realize she has your best interests at heart, but rather than helping you, her advice is making you feel upset and anxious.

I saw things happen with my own mom growing up (my siblings are quite a bit older than I am) pertaining to marriage, child-rearing, etc. My mom like many others offered unsolicited advice to the annoyance of my siblings, but they also gave her TMI much of the time too. When I first got engaged, my mom got involved in something pertaining to my MIL that really ticked me off. We had an enormous argument, and then I basically made it clear I will NOT tolerate meddling in my marriage or in the raising of my child. Period. My mom has been very very careful ever since and our relationship improved dramatically. Not all moms can make that transition though and it may take you asking her to leave, or asking her to stay somewhere else like a hotel when the baby is born if her presence is adding to the stress in your life. You have to protect you and your new family first and foremost. It is just too important of a time in your life.

Similarly, we've had issues w/ my MIL/FIL and their criticisms of our parenting to others and to us in front of DS. We nicely discussed it several times and it went nowhere. We eventually had to basically say that if they insist on doing XYZ or saying XYZ in our presence, we will leave their home, or if they do it in our home, we will ask them to leave. Non negotiable. It has helped, although moving out of state was an even bigger help ;)

My mama bear is not so nice. I could always handle IL issues, etc. without much trouble until I was pg, and then once DS was born and the criticisms were happening left and right. It didn't matter if I cited research on the topic or not. THey didn't care. But I finally had enough and finally said so.

Another helpful approach can be the "bean dip" strategy if your mom can handle subtle hints. When she brings up something you don't like, noticeably change the topic to something else and refuse to engage. Getting into a pattern of defending your decisions on a regular basis is too frustrating of a road to go down IMO. It is tempting for me to do so sometimes, and then I realize it doesn't matter to them...

I know you mentioned being Jewish, so I hope I won't offend by posting this link, but this site explains the "bean dip" approach http://www.gentlechristianmothers.com/mb/index.php?topic=1988.0 (FWIW I love the advice on the discipline board there...I don't go to that site for the relgious content...I've just found it a great resource as i'm not very "religious" at all.)

So my post totally makes me sound like a meanie but I think that newborn period is so wonderful, but stressful, and it can create a lot of internal doubt for new moms without having someone breathing down your neck adding to it. It is just too important IMO to allow someone to do that to you and your new family. Talk with her now and if she persists, ask her to leave for a while or go to another room at the very least.

ETA: Ack...typos everywhere. That's what I get for NAK.

[Sillygirl]

I think Beth has given you some lovely, well thought-out advice, beautifully worded. So she's taken care of that end, and I will chime in with a different tune, but same basic idea.

Are you MAD, woman? Tell your mom she can't descend on you during your postpartum convalesence. You know it's going to be unbearable so tell her no. It won't kill her. You are going to be a mom so now it's time to set some boundaries for what's right for you and your family. Those first few weeks are for you and your husband to learn to be parents in the way that feels right for you. Do not let her ruin that.

[tarahsolazy]

I'm with Katie! Although my mom is pretty careful about giving me parenting advice, since I'm a pediatrician, for God's sake, I still didn't want ANY unsolicited advice in the first weeks. I have a good relationship with my mom and my MIL, but I know myself enough to know that just DH and I was far better.

Neither my folks or my IL's came for over a month after DS was born. We lived across the country, which helped.

At the very least, I'd tell your mom you want her to come AFTER your DH goes back to work. That makes sense, you can tell her you'll "need" her more after DH goes back.

However, you should have a tough conversation with her, I think. Tell her you know she loves you but that her advice makes you scared and worried. I would hope that would at least put a dent in it!

[buddyleebaby]

I think the pps have given some excellent advice.

I just wanted to add that your post reminds me so much of how I was feeling as I neared the end of my pregnancy (I only made it to 37 weeks, btw).
I think that you are stressed and excited about the impending arrival and maybe taking things a little too much to heart when you otherwise would not.
I think that your mom is excited and worried about HER baby and overstepping her boundaries with some insensitive comments.

When I was in the hospital waiting to deliver dd, my mom got on my nerves SO much that I finally told my husband not to call her again until the baby was born. She insisted on coming to visit at the hospital and calling ALL the time, and as much as I love my mom I was just not in the mood.
She only recently let us in on the fact that when we called to share the news of dd's birth, she was actually on her way out the door to go to the hospital. She had "a plan" to ask the nursing staff what was going on w/o letting us know she was there, since I hadn't called her all day. (Sorry, mom. I was only in labor.)
Sometimes it is hard for them to switch over to the "grandma" role.
It will take a little time and lots of work, and there will undoubtably be many more disagreemants to come, but try to be understanding. You are her baby!
THat being said, your primary focus right now needs to be you and your baby, so if you are not up to playing hostess right after giving birth, that is completely understandable and your prerogative. I would just be honest with your mom and say as much as you love her, it is important to you to have that time alone with your dh and your dc. It is not your job to defend your decision. She should be willing to put your needs first, especially at such a sensitive time.
((Hugs)) to you, and take a deep breath! You're almost there, and everything will be OK!

[marit]

Wow, that's a toughie... I agree with pp's that you should try your best to avoid her presence after birth. She might try to control and manipulate you into guilt about it, you just have to be strong.

But there is something else. When I read your post I noticed that for every claim she made, you felt the need to justify your self and "apologize". Like, I only had one serving of mashed potatoes or I need the calcium or my DH was 9lbs at birth etc. I think this is the heart of the matter. You do NOT have to justify your self, or explain or apologize to anyone. Not to your mom, not to us, not to DH, anyone. If you had the inner conviction and self esteem that you are doing the best YOU KNOW HOW for you and your child, her comments would not hurt so much.

Unlike pp, I don't think you can "change" your mom, you can only change yourself. Realize that this is "her stuff", her problems and fears, that really, have nothing to do with you. She, like you, is doing the best she knows how. This, of course, is much harder to do then say :). This is why I suggested that in the very near future, and after birth, you try to keep your environment as supportive as possible.

GOOD LUCK,

[kedss]

I would definitely have a talk with her now, before the baby arrives. Let her know that you need time to be with your newborn by yourself and your DH. This is your time, and you need to be able to tell her that.

I know that my first few weeks home were hormonal to say the least and if my mom had been there trying to be helpful, I would have gone even crazier. So, please, for your sake and your relationship with your mom, you need to let her know how you are feeling. Be proactive, don't wait until she shows up the day you come home.

big hugs, I know this is tough! Esp with reflux, I lived on tums the last few weeks!

[R2sweetboys]

I agree with the PPs on this. As hard and uncomfortable as it might be, you really should try to talk with her soon as you realistically could go into labor soon.(I had DS #1 at 36 wks. and DD#2 at 38 wks.) After the birth of our first son my ILs wanted to come and stay. I did NOT want that. I wanted time with just DH,me, and our son. My parents live close and are fortunately not at all overbearing. My ILs ended up coming for 2 days just to see DS and stayed in a hotel.(they didn't call or come back for months after that but that's another story! :P ) After DS #2 MIL came and stayed a week, and though I was a little uncomfortable with it, it was helpful as we had two children to care for.

From the sounds of it, your mom would just stress you out. If she's being critical now, I can just imagine what she will do when the baby is here. I agree with a PP who said(if you want)you could invite her to come once DH goes back to work. You will likely be feeling a bit better and more comfortable with DS by then. You could let her know that you would love her help but you don't want advice unless YOU ask for it. Good luck! I'm sorry you have to deal with this crap at such a vulnerable time in your life. Wishing you fast and easy labor vibes!
~Leslie

SAHM to...
Ryan 8/14/00
Matthew 2/14/03

[Radosti]

Thanks for the advice everyone. I guess I have forgotten that I have a strong personality as well. I am tired and not as willing to stand up for myself as I was just a few months ago. Even my dogs can tell the difference as the Shiba is now pushing the boundaries and she'd have never done that before. I am amazed that she's actually trying it.

So, you're right, I do need to have a conversation with my mom. If I remember correctly, she told my SIL that she was a horrible mother for choosing to formula feed my nephew. Whether or not that is something that was on her mind, you just do not tell a new mom that she is being a horrible mother. If I let my mom come so soon after birth, I am going to pay for it dearly and the stress might make it impossible for me to BF little Aaron.

Thank you all so much for giving me the extra push to have the conversation with her. I think I will draw up a plan of what I want to discuss and how I want to approach it as she tends to make me so mad that I forget to make the main point.

Thanks!

[marit]

Good luck with that, I know how hard it is to do that with your own mom...
Just a few tips before you approach it (if I may). Don't turn this conversation into a shouting match, by going into specific examples like you said this and you said that. If she feels attacked, she will attack back (and only if she doesn't feel attacked will she be receptive to change, which is true for children too BTW). Your goal is not to prove to her how bad she is, it is to change your type of interaction in the future. Try as much as possible to make "I" statements instead of "You" statements. Something like: DH and I want to spend the first weeks with the baby as a new family, or, I am trying to create a supportive, non judgmental environment FOR MYSELF, and figure out my own mothering style, etc.

Please keep us updates!

[kensjen]

The PPs all had great advice. I completely agree that you need to get her to postpone her visit a bit. My mother is not like your mom exactly, and is actually helpful for the most part, but I still don't want her around too soon after the baby is born. Last time she came when my son was about 2 weeks old, which I felt was soon for a first baby. DH and I needed some time to adjust and get to know our new baby, and it was sort of hard to have visitors in the house. I plan to wait until the baby is here to even make any plans, and just let her know that we want her to come but after we have settled in, etc.

I agree that it is easier with a second child, as boundaries have been established, you have more confidence in yourself as a mother, and your mother will realize that you know what you are doing. But with a first child, many moms feel it is their duty to tell you what to do and how to do it...and my how things have changed since they were mothers!! ;) I think you will have a better transition into motherhood without your mom...have her come once you feel like you have a groove going with BF, sleeping, etc...If she comes too early when you are frustrated and very tired, you may say things you wouldn't normally say, and that will only make things worse.

My MIL is good at the Jewish guilt thing, she always says, "since I am just the MIL, I guess I won't get to visit for awhile....". LOL Funny, but I don't feel too guilty, mother or MIL...no one is coming too early.

Set the boundaries early. It is so easy to just let it go instead of rocking the boat, but you will feel better. If you are reasonable about it, and let her know how important it is to you, hopefully she will take you seriously and step back a bit. And in a few months when you have a handle on things and are a great mommy, she will be so proud of you. :)

((((HUGS)))) I know this is hard.

[kedss]

I agree--make the discussion more about what you need than what she has said in the past. If you make it about her, then you aren't really telling her what YOU need. Be calm, and patient and explain your needs.

HTH!

[saschalicks]

You are so lucky to get the advice you got. I was dumb and let people come right after DS was born. I told DH that this time NO ONE is to come until I'm in my room and I've spent some time with the baby. PERIOD! Set your boundaries now, this is your time not your mom's. She had her children and raised them the best she could. Now you will have yours and raise them the best you can. Good luck. I know about Jewish pushy moms. ;)