How does one acquire self-discipline?

[s_gosney]

LOL...another philosophical question from yours truly. :)

I think about this a lot, and I'm really interested in hearing your perspectives. On a personal level, I have always been a good student, someone who didn't have to work very hard at school. You know, the kid everyone hated. (I suspect there are a lot of us like that around here though) :) The thing is, with schooling, I always aimed to make an A, as opposed to learning all that I could about the subject or just doing my absolute best. This issue was exacerbated by my attending a boarding school for nerds ;) where we had 2 hours of mandantory study time per night. Well, there I couldn't always shoot for the A, but with so much legislated structure, there wasn't much room for self-discipline. I struggled with this issue throughout college, and even now. Note: I should be writing part of my thesis proposal right now to submit tomorrow to my major professor, but instead I'm here philosophizing. And beyond that, I just can't make myself work ahead. I've got to have that deadline hanging over me before I can really get down to work. So how in the world does one fix this?
I also think about this with regards to parenting and early childhood eduction. The way I was parented resulted in a lot of doing or not doing something because I was scared of getting caught. This type of thing really doesn't lead to self-discipline later, kwim? I think of it kind of like a speeding ticket. Well, you slow down for a couple of days, weeks, or months, but pretty soon, you're right back speeding again. So, I'm on a mission to raise my dd in a manner free of speeding-ticket parenting. I still don't know how exactly one goes about instilling self-discipline, but I'm working to understand it. Also, as a child development major and with my job, I'm around a lot of early childhood people, and one of the major concerns with them is that as schools are forced to try to reach benchmarks as measured by standardized tests, we are killing children's natural desire to learn and forcing them into this mold or legislated, one-dimensional intelligence/aptitude. The stories I hear are of increasing behavior problems in the classroomm due to developmentally inappropriate methods being used to push these children to "achieve".
I don't know what I'm looking for here. This whole mess just bugs me, and I'm surrounded by it all the time. I don't want dd to grow up in a world where she's know by her letter grades or where grades are the motivating factor. I want her to want to learn. All in all, I guess my natural curiousity hasn't been killed. I'm still here asking questions like this and I still research issues like crazy. I do still love to learn. I just have no discipline to make myself do the tasks required, I suppose. Anyway, enough rambling. If you read this far, kudos to you. :) Any thoughts you have after reading this mess are welcome!

[tarabenet]

I don't know how one aquires self-discipline, but if ya have to work at it very hard, count me out.

[kath68]

You are so dang funny!

Another one searching for self-discipline here. The only thing I can suggest is that you find people with it and hang out with them. When I was studying for the bar, I glommed onto my friend whose dad was a Marine. Man oh man, does she have self-discipline! Because of her, I stuck to a daily regimine and chipped away at the monstrous task of studying in a methodical way. It was great.

I think it really is a question of figuring out what self-discipline actually is, and then building it up bit by bit. Pick out certain small habits that you can incorporate into your world -- a la Fly Lady. You can do anything for 15 minutes, for example, so you learn the habit of self-discipline in cleaning your sink every night, whether you want to or not. That grows into other habits. You work out every day, whether you want to or not. Then, you naturally model those habits for your children.

Like I said, I don't have self-discipline, and am the worst kind of procrastinator. But I can see that if you decide to acquire discipline, you can -- with a little patience, and yes, a little discipline. Yikes! That's why I don't have any!

[Moneypenny]

I work better under pressure. I've just embraced that and moved on (which oh-so-coincidentally allows me to avoid the whole self-discipline thing). It works for me! ;)

Really, I was thinking the other day about different personalities and how wonderful and strange it all is. Those great pictures AngelaS posted of her little cutie climbing all over creation prompted me to look at my DD, who at almost 16 months has never even attempted or even thought about climbing anything, ever, made me think about how absolutely marvelous it is that we are all so clearly who we are right from the start. Sure, we can make changes and try to lead our kiddos in certain directions, but the basic pattern for our personalities is just there right from the start.

Obviously, if you think your current level of self-discipline is not working for you, then you should work to change it (and I can offer absolutely no advice on how to do that), but if it's just something you *think* you should change just because, then maybe you don't really need to change it, KWIM? I spent the first few years of college thinking, "I should work ahead, I should plan better, I should be more proactive" but ya know what? I ended up doing just fine and the little hiccups that my procrastination occassionally throw at me actually make my life more interesting and don't stress me out, so I've decided to just stay this way. Of course, if things stop working for me in the future, I'll re-evaluate this perspective, but for now, I say "bah!" to self-discipline, LOL!
Susan
mama to my cutie pie, Avery
http://www.gynosaur.com/assets/ribbons/ribbon_gold_12m.gif[/img][/url]
We made it to a year!

[jbowman]

For me, the key to acquiring self-discipline began with my parents (LOL, with my mother--who has none, and my father, who has a ton!). From a very early age, they allowed me to make my own choices and decisions (or to give me the impression that I was making my own decisions ;)). Something as simple as, "what would you like to eat for lunch?" "What cereal would you like for breakfast?" went a long way in making me feel in control of my world at a young age. I also think their laid-back approach to parenting (it felt as if they trusted me and my judgment) contributed to me being autonomous and self-motivated. I knew that my parents wanted me to get good grades and to go to college, but my motivation came solely from me--they never forced me to do anything (study, sports, etc). In fact I chose a career (path) completely foreign to them--and when I decided to do that (based purely on my passion for that area of study), they supported me.

As an adult, I think it has been that passion for my field of study that has kept me self-motivated (b/c it certainly isn't the salary, LOL). It also doesn't hurt that I have a type-A personality ;)!

When I was in grad school, a professor (sensing the pressure I was feeling), asked me, "where does the pressure come from? Your parents?" I started laughing hysterically and said, "No way, I'm not sure they even know what I'm studying!" I realized at that moment, that despite the stress I was feeling, my parents had given me a gift and I really credit them with my success.

[aliceinwonderland]

Well, my problem is that I was so disciplied by my parents as a child, always did what I was supposed to (or else!) that I never internalized (that's not even a word, I know) discipline. So I am very undisciplined adult. It's horrible, I keep thinking how great I would be if I stopped wasting time (like, right now!).

But what discipline doesn't do, guilt picks up. I remind myself that each moment I spend at school on the internet(for example) is a moment away from my son and husband, where my ultimate happiness is...

As for school, well, recently I have realised I am perfectly content with being mediocre. I told DH, I am never going to be the best student, the very best mother, or whatever, but you know what? "good enough" does it for me :) This is a huge relevation for me, and it is very liberating. I revel in my mediocrity!!

[lizamann]

This is such an interesting question to me, both as a former teacher and as a parent searching for a good pre-school.

I have no freakin' idea! I'm such a procrastinator myself, who thrives with external motivators,and I'm not sure where I got that proclivity. Nature? Nurture? Who knows!

From 3-6th grade I was in a progressive gifted program that was totally self-guided. No grades, no tests, not even any real direct instruction from the teachers. It was all about setting goals, and reflecting on how you met them, doing self-evals etc. I hated it because I had no external benchmarks (grades or even tests) to see how I was doing. I saw all these creative, gifted, outspoken kids around me, and my shy reserved self felt totally inferior. Then I got to 7th grade, where we had normal tests and grades, and all those 100%'s started rolling in and I ate it up and never looked back. Then in grad school, it was just like my elementary school and I really disliked it, dropping out of my PhD program. If you could get a PhD just by taking classes, I would happily get 3 or 4 LOL. But throw in that self-guided research component, and I'm sunk!

Anyway, Alfie Kohn has some really interesting things to say on the topic. "Unconditional Parenting" and "Punished By Rewards" have similar themes; mainly, that rewards and punishments kill intrinsic motivation, making the kid just strive for the grade or parental approval etc. Montessori schools,and other "progressive" schools seem very interesting in this regard - no grades, self-guided learning choices, etc. But I don't know if my dd would thrive or flounder, you know?

Love to hear other's opinions on this!

[Piglet]

What a great question, that sadly I wish I could answer. I also lack self-discipline, which becomes so much more evident when I stay home with DS. I love fast paced, deadline driven work. Parenting is not that. In my less than ideal job before DS2, I had so much trouble staying focused because my deadline was years away. It was so hard to work on the same task every day and not get distracted. Parenting is the same. I am grateful that I have to pick up DS1 from school every morning, or I wouldn't even get out of the house or get dressed some days. That is utter lack of self-discipline! I am always amazed at moms that bake, go on field trips, have dinner on the table right at 6:00, have organized crafts with their kids, etc. I am happy letting my kids play around the house and revel in their lack of demands/scheduled activity. I don't know if that is a good thing or not, but it works for us.

Eri's post also reminded me of many conversations I had with my dad about school. I as a B+/A- student - not an A student. I was smart enough for the A, but never strived for it. My dad would ask, why can't I put a little effort more and get an A and I responded that with 10% effort, I get 90% results, so why put in more effort than needed. I would have to put in much more effort for the last 10%, which is diminishing returns! He was not impressed with my logic, needless to say. The problem is that DH is much the same as me, so what hope do our kids have unless they actively rebel, LOL.