Update on us

[Rachels]

I am still getting the hang of this two-children thing, but everybody was so supportive in those hormonal first two weeks that I thought I'd post back to let you know we're all doing just fine. :) Ethan is six weeks old and has gained three and a half pounds, zoiks. He is smiling those big, overjoyed-to-see-you smiles that make my knees go week. I am really treasuring his newborn stage since I know how fast it goes now. I'm also finding that the baby stuff is vastly easier this time. My DH and I are also doing much better the second time around. Adjusting to parenting when Abigail was born threw us for a loop for a while, but this time we're coparenting much more effectively and I think maintaining a stronger connection.

By far the hardest part of having a second child for me has been dealing with my first. Abigail is doing a lot better, but she is still considerably more prone to defiance and tears than is her norm. I'm still struggling with feeling like I scold her more than I want to, but it's no longer at the level where it makes me cry at night. She has more good days than bad. Also, she ADORES Ethan and is so protective and sweet with him. All the tough stuff comes out aimed at us, not at him, so that makes it easier to bear. She's also getting better at remembering to verbalize her needs. She'll predictably say now that she needs some mama time or that she needs some time alone or that she feels sad, etc. She also often has ideas of what to do to help resolve her bad moods, and will tell me she needs her blanket or a story to read or whatever. These are skills she was using pretty regularly before he was born, so I'm delighted to see her being able to access them again. I miss her, though. I miss how she was in her entirety before he was born, and I miss how we were together. I'm optimistic about how we're forging our way but also grieving the loss of our original relationship with one another.

But I'm also so so so enjoying getting to know Ethan. I'm head over heels in love, of course. He is a very sweet, contemplative, funny baby. He's very tuned in and seems very interested in the proceedings around here. I love holding him and feeling like on one hand I am so used to him that I simply can't imagine not having known him, and on the other hand feeling like he's entirely a surprise in the making-- that I really don't know much about the person he is at all except that his soul is so sweet.

Anyway, just thought I'd let you know that we're doing okay and slowly figuring things out and that I'm feeling so blessed by my children.

-Rachel
Mama to Abigail Rose
5/18/02
http://www.gynosaur.com/assets/ribbons/ribbon_amethyst_36m.gif
Nursed for three years!

and Ethan James
10/19/05
http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/bf.jpg


"When you know better, you do better."
Maya

[almostamom]

Glad to know that all is going well for you and your family. You sound really happy! :)

~Linda~
DS 11/9/04

[Mommy_Again]

That was such a thoughtful and beautiful post! I am really touched by your sentiments on Abby. The one thing I think most about when I think about having another baby is that I will be betraying Will, and that I would be so sad to lose what we have, just the two of us. I appreciate your honesty in acknowledging those feelings.

Please post more pics when you get a chance, now that he is coming into his own!

[Piglet]

Your post reminded me of whenever I was asked if DS1 liked DS2 in the early days. I always (very truthfully) answered - oh he LOVES DS2, it his parents he doesn't like so much these days. FWIW, DS1 has been a DOLL this past little while. I adore him more than ever and he is behaving wonderfully now. In fact, I have a hard time without him when he goes to school - I am so used to him making faces to entertain DS2 and helping me carry things to the car or fetching me diapers! I am so glad you are enjoying both Ethan and Abby!

[mommyj_2]

I'm so glad to hear you're doing fine. Your post was so beautifully written. I have often thought that the only thing that would make me hesitate to have another child is that it would change my relationship with DS. I'm so used to it being the two of us (when DH isn't around), and I know it would be a hue adjustment for everyone. But, as you described, the flip side is you have another amazing little being to love and nurture, and Abigail's world will be enriched in so many ways by being an older sister. Her ability to exress her needs really shows the love and care you have put into your relationship with her, and with enabling her to develop the important skills of understanding her emotions and being able to communiate them.
I also wanted to say it's nice to see you posting here more :) Hugs to you.

[darby24]

Happy to hear things are going well.

It's really been 6 weeks? wow!

[starrynight]

What a beautiful post! You sound so happy, the kids are lucky to have you.

Sounds like all is going well for the most part. It's good that Abigail loves Ethan and like you said, it's much easier she is directing things towards you not him. I remember when my 2nd was born and ds directed it all at her, that was rough for a bit!

[DebbieJ]

Thanks for checking in, Rachel.

Sounds like that mama's milk is agreeing with Ethan just fine. ;)

Hang in there with Abby. I have no advice, but only (((HUGS)))

~ deb
DS born at home 12/03
BFARed for 20 months and 6 days
(Breastfeeding After Reduction is possible! www.bfar.org)

http://www.bfar.org/members/fora/style_avatars/Ribbons/18months-bfar.jpg

[karolyp]

Thanks for the update. I'm glad to hear things are getting better for you and your family. I also wanted to sincerely thank you for your upfront and honest posts about your changing relationships with Abigail and Ethan. It gives me things to think about when planning for a second DC (if I am so blessed).

[ismommy]

Rachel,

I agree the hardest part of having the sceond is dealing with the first. It is so importrant to get that alone ime with your oldest. I haven;t been the greatest but since DH left yesterday for Iraq I need to make it a priority. So a friend insisted on watching Gunner while Bell and I have a mommy daughter spa day:)
Is there someone who can do that for you?
Helene
mommy to Isabella
and Gunner
http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/candle.gif

[Karenn]

Rachel,
I'm so glad it's gotten better for you. I know how hard it can be.

[Rachels]

Helene, I need to get better at that. We have little snippets of time, but haven't been able to get out for a whole morning or anything. I'll be able to do that over the holidays when I'll have lots of family backup, and we are actively forging relationships with babysitters. I know she needs it. Ethan naps well so far, knock wood, so I do try to be sure I really focus on her while he's sleeping.

How is it that having twice the children leaves you with only an eighth of the time? And how in the WORLD do you get two children out of the car and through a crowded parking lot and into a store in the driving rain? My experiment with that yesterday had us all soaked. There were enough hands for each child but none left over for an umbrella. You should get more arms as you get more children, or at least an instruction manual of some kind.

-Rachel
Mama to Abigail Rose
5/18/02
http://www.gynosaur.com/assets/ribbons/ribbon_amethyst_36m.gif
Nursed for three years!

and Ethan James
10/19/05
http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/bf.jpg


"When you know better, you do better."
Maya

[cilantromapuche]

I am glad it is going well! Abe has hit a horrible stage at 2 1/2 and can't even imagine. I am sure you are doing a great job.

Christine

mama to A (7/03)

[muskiesusan]

I'm impressed you even went out with two kids with Ethan just 6 weeks! I found it so hard getting us all dressed and fed, let alone going out!

Wonderful post. I agree that the hardest part of having a second child is fulfilling the needs of the first. Sounds like you are doing a great job.

Susan
Mom to Nick 10/01
& Alex 04/04

[mudder17]

Rachel, your thoughtful posts always inspire and encourage me! When I read your posts, it just makes me even more cognizant of how much our children and our relationships with them should be nurtured and treasured. Even when things aren't going well for you, I can still see how much you love your children and want to help them grow and thrive. I'm so glad things are getting better for all of you, and while you miss the relationship you used to have with Abigail, you also know that you have a different relationship to look forward to. :)

Thanks for the update and for the inspiring words!

With love,

Eileen

http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/candle.gif for Leah
http://www.gynosaur.com/assets/ribbons/ribbon_emerald_18m.gif

http://tickers.baby-gaga.com/t/catcatcvi20040222_4_Kaya+is.png
Kaya's a cousin! 10/1/05, 5lb13oz

[mommy_someday]

What a wonderful update! I'm so glad to hear you all are doing well. I'm sorry that Abigail is having such a rough transition, but with you as her mama, I am sure she will come out just fine in the end. Motherhood is full of so many bittersweet feelings, isn't it? Anyway, thanks for letting us know how you are. Please give your sweet kiddos and extra hug from Luke and me. :)

[SweetTooth]

Rachel,
Your post was so thoughtful & a joy to read. You made me think of things to cherish now while it's just me & DS. :)

[jesseandgrace]

It sounds like things are going really well for you, thanks for the update! I'm still trying to figure out the best way to get my two anywhere, rain or shine, lol!

[shishamo]

Rachel, I am glad to hear your update, thank you for keeping us posted!

[jec2]

I am always wowed by how you handle DH's absense with two kids. You are alwasys so fun & funny and just know how to keep surfin' that wave. Hugs for R's safety and quick return.