I feel like such a failure as a Mama. (this turned out to be really long)

[kep]

I am really, really struggling with Luke. He's 2 1/2 years, and just a little spit-fire (which I love, most of the time). I'm having two major issues with parenting. The first is that I seem to have turned into a "threatener". Meaning, I say things like, "Luke, if you don't stop kicking Mommy I'm going to put you in time out." (looks Mommy in the face and kicks again) "Okay, that's it! Time out!" (Luke scrambels away from me and stops kicking temporarily, however, nothings learned, and usually I have to resort to yelling to even get him to look at me. :( ) I definately lean more toward Gentle Discipline with him, but lately he doesn't seem to even listen to me anymore. I have even resorted to spanking, which doesn't seem to be working either.

My second big issue is naptime/bedtime. I seem unable to find a sleep routine that works for him (and me). We usually get up around 6:30 to 7 am. He used to take a nice, long three hour nap around 1:30, and then went to bed around 9:00-9:30 pm. Then it seemed like bedtimes were just more and more of a struggle. We were co-sleeping, and it would take anywhere from 1 to 2 1/2 hours to get him to fall asleep at night. And during all this, he would be jumping on me and dh, kicking the wall, nursing, yelling, singing, etc. Dh and I would both be exhausted and frustrated by the end of this routine every night. We really have felt a need to gradually taper off the cosleeping, so we have made him a little "nest" of pillows and blankets on a pad, next to our bed. He sleeps down there pretty much all night now, and then crawls in bed with us in the morning to nurse and snuggle.

Luke seemed to have decided awhile ago that he was ready to go from a three hour nap every day, to none at all. Which, truely, nap or no nap was fine with me, because if he didn't take a nap, he would go to bed really early. (like around 6:00 or so). But, his little body just doesn't seem to be able to make it through a day without some kind of nap. He is extremely crabby by late afternoon, and will fall immediately asleep in the car if we go anywhere. I try to stay home with him all day long, but there are times we have to go somewhere. I'm just really not able to keep him to any consistant routine.

Bedtimes just keep getting worse and worse. If I put him down for a nap, he falls asleep really quickly. And even if I try to limit the lengeth of his naps, it's enough to wreck havok upon bedtime. It'll easilly take us 2-3 hours to get him finally asleep at night. It's just too much. I've even resorted to threatening to put him in his "big boy bed" in his bedroom. (I know, I know, that's horrible! :( ) He is often up in the evenings until midnight or so. I just can't take it anymore. It's so frustrating! In fact right now, he's playing with my foot under the chair. At midnight.

I have to give you a little background so you will understand this next part. Dh is great at everything he's ever tried to do. I mean, "top of the class" great. Scuba diving, fire-fighting, master's program, aviation, housekeeping, cooking, you get the picture... I went to college, but didn't finish my degree. I was just never really motivated I guess. I really, really wanted to be a stay at home mommy and have babies. (I did work before kiddos, though.) I do a decent job around the house and preparing meals for the fam. Homemaking has never been my strong point, but I get along, yk? Dh could homemake me into the ground. He's always better at everything. I really thought that motherhood was my true calling, and what I was really good at. My dh told me last night that the reason Luke wasn't sleeping well, and a list of other things, was becasue I am "flighty". He said I am not able to ever be consistant and set clear boundaries for L. He said that everytime I read something in a book (most likely here) I have to try it right away, even if it means distrupting what I am currently trying to teach L.

I was majorly wounded. I just felt like crying all night. Is this all the Dh thinks of me? That I'm just an airhead? I really, really try to be a good mom. I try to always be a fair and loving mom, and one full of compassion. I try to teach my son manners, and religion. We read and sing and color together. L does watch a bit too much TV, but I'm working on that. Everytime I think that I'm finally doing okay, a comment like this will come up, and I feel like I just completly get knocked down again. I addmit I have a hard time sticking a new routine for months. I start second guessing myself, and wondering if it's really working for L after all, maybe I should be doing something different instead... I worry about being too strict, and I worry about being too permissive. Blah, blah, blah. I could go on all night.

Thank you to anyone brave enough to read my disjointed post. My fingers just started flying once I got going.

Kelli
Mommy to my beautiful little boy, Luke (April 2003)

Before you were conceived I wanted you.
Before you were born I loved you.
Before you were here an hour I would die for you.
This is the miracle of life.
Maureen Hawkins

[mommyj_2]

First, hugs to you. We have all had moments where we feel like we're not living up to our potential (as parents, as students, as employees, etc.). It's actually a good thing, because that's what gives us a chance to step back and take a look at what is and isn't working for us.
In terms of discipline, have you read the book Positive Discipline? They use it as my DS' preschool, and the teachers are amazing with the children. I got it, and haven't had time to read it, but I think I tend to do a lot of what it says anyway. I do find, though, that it is really easy to slip into habits of interaction that aren't what I want, just because the day to day is so tiring. I'm always reminded of how I want to be communicating when I pick DS up from school. One thing that is huge is to talk to children at their level. So, you physically get down (kneel or sit) so you are at their eye level when you talk to them. If nothing else, this helps me remember that he is a little being who sees the world so much differently than an adult does. I also never yell. I grew up with one parent who yelled (and one who didn't), and I absolutely hated it. No one likes to be yelled at, and I think it really doesn't do anything positive in the end, since it makes people defensive or angry. When I feel frustrated, I take some deep breaths. This not only helps me calm down, it also gives me a few seconds to think before I speak and deal with the situation. I've had great luck with turning potentially confrontational situations into games (for example, when DS refuses to get in his car seat, which he does most of the time, I have a bunch of things I try. The latest one that works is I lift him in, and when his head hits the seat, I say "Bonk." Then, to get him to sit down, we either say "Press" or "Squish," so we turn it into a little game. I also have some goofy songs I sing when that doesn't work.)
I always try to remember that my little guy already has all kinds of complex emotions, and that like adults, toddlers get fussy when they are tired or hungry, or when they want to assert their independence. I approach our interaction in terms of a team, where his needs and feelings are as important as mine. So, just because I have a bunch of errands to run, it doesn't mean he should automatically want to come along, and to act like a little adult the whole time we do them. If he kicks me, I acknowledge his feelings. So, instead of saying "Don't kick mommy," or "Stop it," I say something like "Are you feeling angry? When we feel angry, we don't kick people. We can kick pillows, or we can kick the bed." Or, sometimes I say something like, "Did you just kick mommy? How does it make mommy feel when we kick her?" He usually says, "Sad." Then, I say something like, "What can we do to make mommy feel better?" It takes him out of the moment of feeling frustrated and angry and gives him something more positive to focus on.
In terms of the bedtime routine, have you read the No Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers? My DS (whose the same age as yours) used to stay up until 1am almost every night, and he only slept a total of 10 hours/day including naps. After I read the book, I've been getting him to bed between 9:30 and 10:30 most nights, and he's been sleeping around 12 hours/day total. The book has a lot of great ideas for establishing a routine, and for figuring out what times of the day are good for napping. Of course, toddlers are like adults, so they won't go to bed at the same time every day, and the routine will probably need some readjusting, but I found this book to be life changing for me within a week of reading it. It made me realize that while my DS thrived with my go with the flow attitude when he was a baby, he could really benefit from a more structured sleep routine. He used to nurse to sleep all the time, but in the past month, nursing no longer makes him sleepy, so I'm really glad we have some other things to help him relax now.
Also, I know how hurtful it is when our spouses say things like your DH said. I really hope you don't let it make you doubt yourself. We all have flakey moments, or flakey parts of ourselves, but that doesn't define who we are. You are obviously a loving and devoted mom who is doing her best. We all have moments where we do things we wish we hadn't. They are just opportunities to grow and become better parents.
I'm also wondering if you have any break during the day? Are you with your DS all the time? I've found that even 2 hours a few times/week can work wonders for feeling mentally and emotionally refreshed. My DS is in preschool 5 mornings/week for 3 hours each day. He used to do two hours, three days/week. He has absolutely thrived at his school, and it has been good for both of us. I'm wondering if something like this (or even hiring someone in a few hours/day or a few times/week) might leave you feeling more rested and less frustrated with your DS. Toddlers are amazing little beings, but they are also exhausting. One thing about our society is it isolates moms and leaves us to do the work of several people. My DH grew up in a village, and there are always people to hold other mom's babies or watch their toddlers while they are cooking, etc. Most moms I know in the US have to take their children shopping, watch them while they cook, play with them, and somehow manage to find time to spend with their spouses. Society makes our lives pretty crazy, so it's important to find ways to make sure your needs are being met. I also think it's good to remember that even in a lot of societies which AP parenting uses as examples of how one should parent, toddlers aren't with their moms 24/7, because they have grandmas, aunts, or friends who interact with and help out with their children. I don't know if you already have some breaks, but if not, I would definitely suggest trying to find a way that you can have some time to yourself.
Sorry this turned into a novel. Hang in there, mama!

[missym]

Kelli, you are a concerned, involved, loving mom - in other words, a GREAT one! Gwen is a just slightly older than Luke, and it is SUCH a challenging age. I feel inadequate sometimes, and toward the end of my pregnancy with Becca, I often wondered how in the world I deserved to have another child when I couldn't even handle one. I think these feelings are totally normal when faced with this new, difficult stage of parenting.

I hope your DH didn't mean to be hurtful; I think not, because I know how stressful sleep issues can be. It was probably just the stress talking. Could you talk to him about how much it hurts when he says things like that? It sounds like he's used to having things come easy for him, and I imagine parenting a 2-year-old is quite a shock to him because they don't follow the 'rules.' Not excusing the comments, but hopefully he doesn't realize how it hurts you.

As for the willfulness, I wish I knew the answer. I yell and threaten a lot more than I want to. It doesn't work anyway, so I'm trying to stop that behavior. It is so hard though! Gwen really knows how to push our buttons, and it sounds like Luke is the same. I love having an independent, assertive, intelligent child, but sometimes I just want to be listened to, kwim? I can't give advice other than to BREATHE. I'm happy to commiserate though!

We went through a really rough patch with sleeping a few months ago. Gwen was managing to stay up until 10 or later, and even then one of us had to lay on the floor beside her bed for hours until she fell asleep. She was also waking multiple times, and it would start all over again when she realized we weren't still there.

Our solution was a strict bedtime routine and CIO. Bath, pajamas, brush teeth, a couple of stories in bed, and goodnight. I honestly don't know why she stayed in bed when we told her to, since she was in a big girl bed by then, but she did. She would cry for 10-30 minutes before falling asleep, then sleep all night. It only took a few nights for her to "get" that we weren't going to give in. She still tries various delay tactics every night, but we stay firm and there are no tears now.

As for naps, during the week she's at the sitter and takes a nap without fuss because everyone else is doing it. At home, I freely admit to using bribery. I tell her that afterwards, we'll do XYZ thing that she loves. If I'm busy or nursing, I just tell her to go crawl in bed and take a nap. Usually there is at least some period of quiet playing with toys, which I'm fine with. Once she falls asleep, she usually naps for 2 hours. (This is all a big change in the last few months; we used to lay down with her and jump through all sorts of hoops, and only get a real nap about 1 out of 3 times.)

Hang in there, Kelli. You're a terrific mom, and Luke is lucky to have you.

Missy, mom to Gwen 03/03 and Rebecca 09/05

[lizamann]

Oy, can't help you on the sleep because we certainly have our issues here LOL! When she's tired, it's easy, but when she's not, UGGH! The trick is engineering things just right so that she's tired at a reasonable hour.

And about dh's comments: my dh gets that way too when we're really stressed, especially about sleep issues. I think it was only last week, when Nora was sick and in our bed a lot (with dh not "getting much" KWIM) that he threw a laundry list of everything I'm doing wrong at me, and that if I just stopped nursing, everything would be magically solved LOL. But this week, when things have calmed down and dd is sleeping well, he's much nicer and more appreciative. I have learned that, while his comments hurt when they happen, I have to realize that HE'S the flaky one to say those things to me one day, and be totally happy and appreciative the next. On the good days I sometimes, if I have the energy and guts, bring up what he said, and he is generally contrite. It's a learning process, and he's still learning to keep that stuff to himself!

So no advice, just sympathies.

[californiagirl]

It sounds like you're having a hard time right now. And so is your DH, so he's saying stupid things. Sleep-deprived people are like that, I'm afraid; it doesn't mean anything about your parenting.

At the moment, DD sleeps great -- it takes about 20 minutes to do our night-time thing, and then if she's still awake she goes to sleep by herself, and wakes up at night maybe once a week, and 9 times out of ten I can say "It's still sleepy-time, sweet pea, go back to sleep" without actually moving in my nice warm bed. Why do I tell you this? Because we went through months where I was in tears almost every night. Honestly, I'm not sure exactly what worked, and some of it undoubtedly is all about her. I don't think I suddenly turned into a great parent and I was a loser parent when putting her to sleep took an hour and 2 adults, one of them in tears. I think the most recent point where things got better was when I developed the rule that she had to be in her bed, lying down, and I would not lie down with her (although I would sit next to the bed and stroke or pat her or put my hand on her foot or whatever). We don't leave her to cry by herself except for brief periods when she's hurt one of us, but we are willing to enforce limits that make her cry, and I think enforcing limits really did help her, even though it's hard to be with her when she's unhappy. But you know, what worked when she was 10 months didn't work when she was 12 months, and what worked when she was 12 months didn't work when she was 15 months, and so on; I had to change around a lot because she changed around a lot. So every few months I think I know something, but it wears off when she hits a new stage.

If she kicks me, I don't offer her any second chances; I say "You may not kick me. Kicking hurts." and I get out of range, and then I offer her another way to do whatever she was trying to do. If she's mad, she can jump up and down, or hit a pillow. If she's just playing, she knows how to do that without kicking people; she can kick a ball, or she can touch me in acceptable ways.

There's a difference between being flighty and having difficult figuring out what works for you and your child and your family. It's genuinely hard. I like "Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline" partly because it emphasizes dealing with your own behavior -- and one of the ways you do that is to cut yourself slack!

[kep]

I can't tell all of you how much it meant to me to read your posts. I was really down in the dumps last night, and seriously doubting myself as a parent. I read every word of all of your posts, and it was really helpful to realize that all of good parents go through challenging times. Of course, by the next morning, things looked slightly better, so I decided to take action.

Luke and I visited Border's today, and picked up:

* The no-cry sleep solution for toddlers and preschoolers (Pantley) Thanks, MommyJ! :)
* The 7 o'clock Bedtime (Inda Schaenen)
* 1-2-3 Magic Effective Discipline for Children 2-12 (Phelan)

I'm going to brush up on my toddler parenting skills, and see what new techniques I can learn. I am definately in need of a few new tricks. ;) And californiagirl, something you said really hit home. You said what worked at 12 months, doesn't work at 13 months, etc. (I'm obviously paraphrasing here...) I think that's been one of the things that's been really frustrating me. I am constantly having to rethink my strategey with ds. What previously worked, works no more. And that is probably why dh was applying the 'flighty' label to me. He tends to think that if you just stay consistent long enough, kids eventually catch on. It just isn't quite as simple as that in real life.

And, in dh's defense, he is under a great deal of pressure. He is trying to finish writing his MS thesis, and as soon as he finishes that, we'll be moving cross-country. (see my other, very long post about Maryland...) I know that he is tired and stressed. I know I am. I'll try to cut him some slack. Thanks for putting things in perspective, ladies!

Kelli
Mommy to my beautiful little boy, Luke (April 2003)

Before you were conceived I wanted you.
Before you were born I loved you.
Before you were here an hour I would die for you.
This is the miracle of life.
Maureen Hawkins