WWYD...

[yomama]

Hi there! DH, DD (1), and I will be going on a cruise with his side of the family in a few weeks. DH's sister has two children (ages 4 and 5), both of whom are (IMHO) a bit rough in their play, and not always supervised very closely. Recently, our niece (5) has both asked permission to carry DD, and has picked her up and carried her around without asking permisison. On Thanksgiving, I told her that she can only hold DD if she sits on the couch and a grown-up helps her (in addiiton to DD actually wanting to be held, as she recently started walking). After I said this, she was no longer interested in holding her. Later that evening, I see her pick up DD, who had been walking around, and she brings her to me, "innocently" telling me, "I'm just bringing her to you" (as DD fusses). This is typical behavior- she often tests limits and talks/argues her way around rules or instructions given (she's bright and very verbal). I don't know if I'm being paranoid, but I'm quite concerned about DD's safety. I don't think our niece would intentionally hurt her, but the fact that she does not "mind" what I say (especially when she is NOT with DD) makes me wonder if I can trust her WITH DD. Your thoughts?

[kedss]

have you talked to your SIL? Have you told your SIL what your request is as far as your niece holding her? I definitely would not let her hold your daughter on the cruise unless she is supervised.

and no, you dont sound paranoid to me.

HTH

[tarabenet]

I think you sound wise, not paranoid. But I also think it is niece's "job" as a kid to test the limits -- all part of figuring ou how the world works, right? But it means that just as with your own child, you have to keep holding the line on her. Keep telling her what is and is not allowed, and don't allow her to carry DD unless/until you think it is safe, if ever. Definitely enlist the aid of DH and the ILs.

This is not really about setting limits on her behavior, but on your own your own child's treatment. Go mama! You are always right about your child's safety, and don't let anyone try to talk you out of it.

[Mommy_Again]

Just an alternate way to look at this: How exactly is your daughter being held?

At your DD's age, she is physically pretty tough and resilient. No one wants their baby dropped, of course, but it's not like she is a fragile newborn (in which case I'd be freaking out!). Plus, if your niece is 5, she can't be picking your DD THAT far off the ground - most likely she'd land right back on her feet or her bottom at worse.

I am envisioning your niece grabbing your DD from behind, under her arms, and lifting her a few inches off the ground. But if she's cradling her in her arms, well- that is a different story. I'm not trying to be insensitive, this was just the first thought that popped into my head.

ETA: oh no, I feel horrible now after reading some of the first hand experiences with kids tripping and all. I was just going off of what our neighbors do with DS, and his feet barely leave the ground. I am very sorry and hope my post didn't come off the wrong way.

[o_mom]

Just to be devil's advocate here - I know a 1yo who recently ended up with a broken arm and leg from a 6yo dropping her. No malice on the 6yo part, but just dropped her on an air mattress from standing.

I supervise the older cousins closely when they are here because 1. I don't want my child injured and 2. I don't want any of my DNs to have to live with the guilt of seriously injuring their cousin.

[JBaxter]

My friend just had her oldest DS (6) trip while carring the 1 yr old dropped him face down on a garden stone. The baby was knocked out w/ a concusion and had a seizure. His mom ended up giving him mouth to mouth. Put a stop to it now. Your not paranoid

[KBecks]

I think that it's normal for a child to test limits, and you need to be consistent and firm with your niece. So....

You'll obviously need to watch your niece with your daughter to monitor the behavior.

You'll need your niece's parents to know that it is NOT OK for your niece to pick up your daughter, and she can only hold your daughter if she is sitting down with an adult helping.

When your niece attempts to or succeeds at picking up your daughter, you will need to immediately intervene and correct the behavior, to reinforce your rule.

It may take several times before this sinks in with your niece. Kids learn through making mistakes and learning what is acceptable and what is not.

I think it is OK for you to use an authoritative voice when correcting your niece -- you are your daughter's mother and you make the rules. Don't sugar coat or give her a gentle pass. You need to communicate your message very clearly and directly.

I don't think that your niece has any ill will or intent to harm your daughter at all. I also think it's totally normal for kids not to mind right away. It will take her some time before she gets it. It's your job to establish and enforce boundaries regarding your daughter.

Have a wonderful cruise!

[jesseandgrace]

You definitely need to be comfortable, so just reinforce the rules. I have a five year old, and your niece sounds like a typical five year old. If you talk to your sil, definitely go in there with patience, because when you have more than one kid sometimes seeing them pick eachother up becomes so routine that it is nothing(i'm sure this isn't the case with everyone).


I hope this makes sense, I think now with 2 about the things I worried about with just one, and I am just so different now, for better or for worse. It is hard to get my 5 year old not to act like evil kinevil (sp?) with his sister as a human jump, so if he picks her up and carries her I just make sure it is on the floor, lol. But, I would definitely put my foot down with him about other people's kids.

[yomama]

Thanks everyone, for your replies. I agree that it's important to talk with SIL about my concerns, but I'm also a little nervous because our ideas about appropriate/acceptable behavior are pretty different. For example, she's often comfortable with her children doing things which I would not permit DD to do. I wouldn't want her to take it the wrong way and end up with tension on a family cruise, KWIM?

[g-mama]

It's very hard - I know, I'm in the same situation. My niece is 7 and she has been trying to pick up my two sons since she was 3. It drives me crazy. She would try to do it when they were infants and still tries it with Ben now at age 2. She does not listen to me and I have to watch her like a hawk all the time. I discuss it with my niece right in front of my brother and sister-in-law but they just dismiss it and say, "she loves her baby cousins" or something to that effect. It's difficult because they see it totally differently than I do so they don't back me up at all. My dh is more forceful in his reprimands because he's more outspoken. Maybe get your dh to talk to her if he is willing. Good luck.


Kristen
Paolo 11-00
Benjamin 8-03
and a *THIRD BOY* coming in December '05