Would you let a 3 year old sleep over at a friend's house?

[cmo]

This has come up recently in our house, and is causing some debate. I seem to hold the minority opinion amongst the adults involved, so I wanted to see what others thought about this. There is some backstory and additional facts I can provide later, but wanted to keep the info to a minimum so I don't give away my bias. :-) The situation is this: my DD turned 3 this fall, and there is another 3yo who lives a few doors down. We are friendly with her parents as well. There is another family with a (slightly older) 3yo on the street as well. These other 2 families have gotten together socially in the evening, and let the two 3 year olds sleep upstairs while the parents hung out downstairs. The visiting parents went home, leaving their 3yo to sleep over. They've done this a few times, and now our neighbors have asked if we want to do the same. Would you let your 3yo sleep over at her friend's house, or have someone else's 3yo at yours?

WWYD?

Thanks for your input,
Chris

[lizamann]

I would if we were truly good friends, especially if they were in the neighborhood and I could run right over in case dd needed me. Sounds like fun to me! DD has slept at her grandparents' house a few times with great success, so I think I would do this. But only with good friends!

[Jenn98]

I guess I would trust your Mommy (or Daddy) Feelings. If either parent thinks it's unsafe or not a good idea I bet there is a reason why they feel that way. Even if you can't put your finger on it. And not every three year old is the same. Just because these two can do it dosn't mean your little one is ready to do it. The very fact that you are asking this question leads me to believe that there is some reason why this would not be okay, so I say no. In my profession we do a lot of things based on our gut feelings - there just isn't an exact science. So, I've really become aware of how I feel about things/people/situations and I try to really trust myself. That's just where I'm coming from.

hth
Jenn

[barbarhow]

If I felt completely comfortable with the parents and my child was comfortable with it-yes I would. If it was just a friend of my child whose parents I didn't know well, I probably would not.
Barbara-mom to Jack 3/27/03, a Red Sox fan
and Anna 5/12/05, my little Yankee fan!

[muskiesusan]

In the situation you described where we were hanging out prior with close friends, yes, especially if my child is already asleep and just a few doors down. Would I send my child to anothers house for a sleepover by himself, no, not at this age.

Susan
Mom to Nick 10/01
& Alex 04/04

[trumansmom]

It depends on both the child and the situation.

With DS, no. Under no circumstances. Not even with family. He's just not ready, and it may be a while.

DD, on the other hand, is very flexible and adapts easily to different situations. I could easily imagine her spending the night at someone else's house by three.

Part of my adamant feeling about DS is that *I* wasn't ready at that age. I was 7 before I was able to make it through the night at a friend's house. It just freaked me out too much. Mom and Dad had to pick me up everytime I tried before that.

Jeanne
Mom to Truman 11/01 and Eleanor 4/04
Independent Consultant, Do-Re-Me & You!

[Andrea S]

I would not because Andrew is not ready. Could you put her to bed and then pick her and bring her home when you go? I know when we have extended Andrew to do something special I will bring his PJ's and get him ready for be before we leave to come home so when he falls asleep in the car we can scoop him up and put him in his bed.

Andrea
mom to Andrew 8/14/02
& #2 EDD 3/28/06

[brittone2]

Maybe it is a cop-out but I also say it would depend on the family involved and the child. I can't imagine L. being ready at age 3 to do a sleep over, but that's also partially his personality, I'm sure. I would think the first time it could be scary to wake up in a different place and not have mom or dad right there unless your child is really equipped to handle it (DS might be able to handle that with his grandparents but he sees them several times a week). I'm sure there are kids out there that could handle it at 3, and if I had one of those kids I'd consider it. I don't suspect my little man would make it through an entire night at 3.

I think I was 7ish before I could manage my first real sleep over and I remember it still being a little scary ;)

My DS isn't even 2 yet but I can't imagine him being ready to do a sleep over in a year. I'd probably opt for letting them have a mini sleep over together upstairs and transport him to the car for the ride home when we were ready to leave. Hopefully he'd stay asleep or at least go back to sleep on the way home.

Edited to fix lots of typos and for clarity. Sheesh, that was an awful post LOL.

[daisyandacorn]

Nope. Not at a neighbors house. I'd be okay if it was my best friend's place or close family but that's about it.
Maybe I'm totally paranoid but I wouldn't do it at 3 or 4....maybe at 5?
I'd have to be comfortable knowing that my babe was able to communicate her wants/needs to the host and also make sure that she would communicate any discomfort/weird situations with me.

It's a tough call. I try to just trust my instincts in those situations and take them as they come-hasn't come up for me yet....I'm not sure how I'd respond to the request but I know that the answer would be no.

Susan

[lisams]

No. If I want to get together with other mom friends we either get a babysitter or have the Dads take over and have a girls' night out.

We're too loud and would wake the kids up ;-)

[crayonblue]

No. I am not even sure I will ever let Lauren spend the night with friends.

DH was never allowed to as a child. His parents allowed his friends to spend the night at their house but not vice versa.

My brother was molested at a friend's house. A very good friend who my parents never in a million years would have questioned. I think my brother was about 6 or 7. I am paranoid and I will admit that.

I would have no problem having a 3 year old spend the night with us.

[wendmatt]

I think it would depend on the child. I would never leave my DD as she still wakes in the nights sometimes and she'd want me. 3 is still very young. If you were staying as well and your child was in the room with a friend that would be OK, or if she was asleep, I'd scoop her up and take her home to her own bed. Go with your Mommy instincts, don't listen to anyone else, you know your DD best.

[Melanie]

Not in that case. Perhaps if it was a relative or life long friend.

[bunnisa]

I would not allow my 3 yr old to spend the night with anyone except (certain) friends and relatives. DS has only spent 2 nights away from us, and he was with my parents both times.

I just don't think you can be too careful when it comes to your child. It's really not worth taking any chances, IMHO.


Bethany
mom to one and one on the way!
http://lilypie.com/days/060226/0/8/1/-6/.png
"And children are always a good thing, devoutly to be wished for and fiercely to be fought for."
-J. Torres

[HannaAddict]

No way, no how. Since you asked! :) I guess I am in the minority, but I would not leave my child overnight, no matter how much I liked the family or how close I was to them and especially wouldn't do so in the situation with neighbors you've described. A three year old is just too little to defend themselves if need be, or to get themselves out in case of an emergency (fire), and might not even be verbal enough or able to tell you if anything happened, etc. (There is a VERY dark "comedy" called Happiness that is the worst case scenario for sleep overs.) I don't think I would let me child do a sleep over until early pre-teen years and that would be grudgingly and with major talk beforehand. With a background as a criminal defense lawyer, I would never leave a child that young. I would be happy to let the kiddos sleep upstairs while the adults hung out I guess, but I would pack up my sleeping bundle of joy and take them home with me. I also have all sorts of alarm bells going off with the parents asking if you want to leave your child over at their house. That really bothers me, even though it may be nothing. (Though when I re-read your post maybe what you mean is they want to swap a night off?) Why not just have people over, let the kids go to bed and have the parents take them home at the end of the evening? I can actually remember my parents doing that, and half waking up to be carried back home or even packed up in the car in my pj's. (Just read the scenario to my husband and after the first part of your question my husband blurted out "no way.")

Kimberly

[cilantromapuche]

count in me in the no way, never group. We have discussed this and we are not doing sleepovers unless they are in our house (grandparents are OK). I have heard too many stories and it just isn't worth it. I used to think (pre-kid) that only parents of daughters had to worry about things like this, but haven't a son is just as much worry.

Christine

mama to A (7/03)

[AngelaS]

If we were hanging out for the evening and put my child to bed there and they fell asleep that would be wonderful. Considering you only live a few doors down tho, I see nothing wrong with scooping up your sleeping one and carrying them home with you.

My almost 8 year old has never been on a sleep over without me. I see no reason for her to and definitely didn't at 3.

[tarahsolazy]

I'd do it with my sisters and their kids, or grandparents, but no one else. I just don't see the need.

[KBecks]

My immediate response is no.

I'd only do it if I knew the other family very well and trusted them. There are only a few people I'm close enough to do that with. And, I'd only do it for a special circumstance, like maybe once or twice a year for much needed couple-time.

I don't think this is for the benefit of the 3 year olds. They can play during the day.

I would be wary of any invitation like that. Not to say these people are bad people, but there's no real reason for 3 year olds to have a sleepover.

[KBecks]

Very very good point about having a child who can communicate clearly.

[dr mom]

I wouldn't, 3 just seems awfully young to me. I freely admit that some of my friends consider me over-protective, but hey, everyone is entitled to parent in their own way. Maybe I'm a little paranoid, but ya know, it works for me. ;)

It wasn't clear from your description, but was the sleepover planned ahead of time or did it just happen - i.e. had the neighbors planned to leave their child there, or did the 3-year-old fall asleep and they just decided to leave her there for the night since she was already asleep? I would think a child waking up away from home with Mom and Dad unexpectedly gone would be disoriented and terrified.

[cbm]

> There is some backstory and additional facts I can
>provide later, but wanted to keep the info to a minimum so I
>don't give away my bias. :-)

I think that's all the answer you need.

Claudia
DS 12/18/04

[kijip]

Nope, I would not. Unless it was Toby's godfather or my younger brother or my parents and it was so I could sleep in or something. I would take Toby over in pjs and blankets and then take my sleeping kid home at the end of the night. I won't let Toby have a sleepover until he is begging me to let him AND I totally trust the family!

[marinkitty]

Add me to the no camp. Mia is a few months shy of three but still wakes very often at night and would be totally freaked if we were not there. We have left her with her grandparents are our house but so far that's it and I don't see it changing for awhile. There are good friends I would trust but seriously I don't think they would even want me to leave my sleeping toddler at their house - I agree why not just take them home and put them back to bed?

Holly
Mom to Mia (3.17.03) and baby brother Jack (3.23.05)

[cmo]

Thank you everyone for your responses! It really helps to hear others' points of view. If it wasn't too obvious from my original post, I am in the 'no sleeping over' camp, while DH and the neighbors don't think it's such a big deal. I know that I did not do sleepovers until 2nd or 3rd grade as a child.

What I didn't mention in the OP is that we both also have 1+ year old boys. The neighbor parents would bring his Pack & Play, put him to sleep there, and take him home when they go. So, it wouldn't be that big a deal to also take the 3 year old. Her mother has also mentioned in passing that if she needs to go potty in the middle of the night, she will come and wake up a parent to 'help' her, even though she goes by herself during the day. I fully admit that I just don't want to deal with that. (Did I mention that I'm also 7 months' pregnant?!) This little girl is very different from my own; she is very energetic and aggressive, and can be quite mean to DD on occasion (DD worships her anyways!). Her style of play is to take every item out of a cabinet/shelf and not stop until every piece has been played with/thrown/spread all over the floor. Not my idea of a Happy New Year! (Her parents proposed we try this on New Year's Eve, basically inviting themselves over in the process, but that's for the B!tching Post...)

I know that I am more strict/uptight than some, but hey, at least I can joke about it! I think that I will find a polite way to play the 'I'm just not ready yet' card and wait until it seems right. :-)

Chris
DD 10/02
DS 4/04
DD#2 due 2/06

[jesseandgrace]

I'm also a big fat NO. I would let my kids spend the night at some of my closest friends or family, but not a neighbor that I'm friendly with unless it was a pretty close friendship, and only if it felt 100% right. As a matter of fact I'm just not even sure why someone would want someone elses 3 year old to sleep over, I would take my nieces or nephew or good friends three year olds if they were going to a special event, or out of town, but not just on a regular weekend as we are drained dealing with our two :). My kids wake up when moved, but I would still move them. We also knew someone pretty well, turns out her husband was molesting boys in an organization he was part of. I never would have guessed it, I didn't know him well, just her, but I would have trusted her and through that trust expected him to be ok - and he definitely wasn't/isn't.

[lizajane]

edited to be more clear-

i would let my 3 year old spend the night out with very close friends because he is very independent and VERY good at communicating. he is way ahead in his verbal skills and he can talk to us and answer questions with ease. i wouldn't let him spend the night with anyone who made me uncomfortable, but honestly, i can't imagine anyone who made me uncomfortable offering to watch my child all night.

i am thinking of 3 friends in particular. two of them had to come over here to sleep while i went to the hospital with dylan (one scare and the time when dylan was born- the friend stayed the whole night and got up with schuyler in the am. he was delighted to see her! and he stayed at her house when we went out of town for fewer than 24 hours one time, too.) i would easily leave either of my children with these friends during the day and i don't think darkness would make me trust them less. (and i was molested as a child, so don't even begin to think that i am a slack parent who doesn't think.)

[lmintzer]

It's funny you should mention this--our new friends' little girl (age 4) keeps asking me if Jack can sleep over. Frankly, I thought the whole thing was a bit strange (not the girl/boy part, but why a 4 year-old was even thinking of sleepovers anyway). This had to come from an adult--I don't think it's something kids this age think of (unless they have older sibs).

I trust these parents, even though we've only known them about 5 months, but I wouldn't let Jack sleep over there. He's 4 1/2, and I just don't think he's ready. He is also very used to his bedtime routine, and I think it would really throw him to have it completely altered. Also, this little girl stays up much later than he does--and probably sleeps in in the a.m. whereas Jack is up by 6:30 a.m. no matter when he goes to sleep. I would have a crabby, overtired boy on my hands the next day, if he even made it through the night here.

So no sleepovers for us--at least not yet.

Only exception may be when dh's brother and family come, Jack's little cousin might sleep in his room with him. We have an aerobed we could set up for her. But I'm not even sure about that.