Why is my child the only one who pushes and hits?

[deenass]

We are in a playgroup of 9 kids, 8 girls and DS (don't ask me how this happened, it just did and I LOVE the moms so I;m happy to be with them). The kids have been getting together in a big group or smaller offshoots for almost 2 years, so they are very familiar with each other. The are all ages 2 3/4 - 3 years old.

It never fails that my kid is the one to go up and push someone, of hit someone (usually out of the blue!) I'm embarassed and keep waiting to be asked to leave the group. I don't always catch him in the act and I always remove him from the group and make him sit with me for a little while after he's done it, then make him apologize. He's not reacting to them, he seems to be instigating. He's in preschool 2 days a week and his teacher has told me that she's had to remove him from class sometimes b/c he has behaved inappropriately. His new favorite move is a chokehold.

What am I doing wrong? How would you handle this situation? My husband says it b/c he's the only boy in the group and that girls are less likely to push/hit, but he's not the only boy at school. His teacher thinks he's looking for other kid's attention and this is how he gets it.

[aliceinwonderland]

Ok, just so you know you're not the only one. We do not deal with this as my kid simply does not see other kids his age (this is why I am so clueless all the time!), but, listen to this:
My DS is pretty mild-natured. Over Thanksgiving break, we were at the ILs, we went to the mall play area, and DS and other kids was going up and down this little slide...We let him do this indipendently as it was a very low one, he could do w/out getting hurt. This little girl (older than my kid) sits at the top of the slide and blocks the (until then) harmonious flow and taking turns of kids. DS waits there patentily for a second, looks at her to see why she is not going down, and then methodically starts hitting her (softly, he is smaller than her!) over the head over and over!! I was mortified, but it was also kind of funny (I know, BAD BAD mama!) I sent DH there to stop the carnage...But we do NOT hit DS, he's never seen people hit people, so I was rather puzzled by the whole thing...

Edited to add that we do NOT hit DS (LOL )

[KBecks]

I don't know what you can do, but suggest you stay very attentive to your DS' behavior and try to anticipate if he is going to be aggressive. Then be firm with him.

Maybe you can try teaching your child alternative behaviors to hitting?? I think it's good for kids to work things out among themselves, but hitting, pushing and chokeholds don't fall into that category.

I'd just be sensitve to how the other moms are reacting also. I have a good friend who left a playgroup because some of the girls were not supervised / controlled well enough and she didn't want her daughter playing with a rough crowd.

[Sarah1]

You're not the only one. Audrey can be aggressive, although she's learned not to push and hit. It takes a while. You just have to constantly be on him about it. My advice is to ask the teacher how she handles his behavior and what you can do to reinforce it at home.

[mommyj_2]

I think there some children are more naturally aggressive than others. One of our friend's daughters went through a really aggressive period where she hit a lot, but she's stopped it now. I don't think it's a gender thing, and I would be careful not to let your DS think it is, because then it somehow makes it okay (since that's what boys do). My DS has been hit by aggressive girls as often as he has boys.
Here are some ideas that might be helpful. You might have tried them already. Instead of having your DS apologize (since that lets him off the hook easily, and also many toddlers don't really get the whole concept of apologies yet), when he hits someone, you could kneel down at his level and say, "Oh, look. XX (child who was hit) looks sad. Why do you think she is sad?" Or you can start by asking how he thinks it made the other child hurt when he hit her/him, and then saying "What can we do to make her/him feel better?" Or you can ask why he hit the child, and listen to his response. Then, you can suggest other ideas he could use if the same thing happens again. For example, if he hit someone because she took his toy, you could say, "Next time that happens, you can tell her to give it back. If she doesn't, you can play with something else." Or, that he could tell one of the adults and see if they could help him.
A lot of toddlers hit because they can't articulate their feelings, and it's a quick way to express that they are feeling tired, angry, hungry, or even excited. Giving them the language to articulate this, or to understand what is happening in these situations sometimes helps with hitting.
I think if you know your child hits, it probably means you have to be extra attentive until the behavior has stopped. So, this might mean not chatting as much during play group for the time being and watching your DS the entire time. That way, if he hits someone, you can intervene right away. I know my niece went through a period where she beat up my DS when we visited. It happened more often when my sister wasn't watching her that closely (I'm not saying this is the case with you, but it shows the need to be extra attentive until the behavior is stopped, or improved most of the time). Sometimes it can be a way to make sure mommy is still watching. If he gets away with it sometimes, he's more likely to keep trying it.
My DS sometimes hits and kicks me if he's really tired or mad. I always tell him, "We don't hit people. If you feel angry, you can hit (or kick) the bed or a pillow. That way, I'm acknowledging his feelings and trying to teach him that there are more positive ways to deal with them. He's cut back a lot since I've worked with him, and now if he does kick me, he usually offers to kiss it better, and says, "We don't kick people."

[squimp]

It's definitely not a gender thing. My DD hits and pushes as well, and we're really working on it with her. We have never hit her or each other, so we're also mystified where it comes from. It's a struggle. She's very physical and huggy and kissy, and it kind of extends to other areas. She's finding her boundaries, for sure. So it's important for her to know it's not OK to hit people. That she should use her words. I give her one warning, then if she does it again, she sits in her "thinking chair", where I put her in a chair in her room, then walk away for a minute. She sits there quietly, and is supposed to think about her actions. We then talk about how it's not OK to hit or push, and I ask her to say it too. I don't force her to apologize, but sometimes, she does anyway. It's definitely improved in the last month. You might also consider making his actions have other consequences, such as taking a toy away when he gets home, or some other disincentive.

Good luck, and don't feel too bad. It's pretty normal toddler behavior - but I know, it is embarassing when you're around your friends.

[jesseandgrace]

Also, don't blame yourself! My ds wouldn't have ever hit when he was younger, he was always the one who would rush over to help other kids at the park (although he would hit his cousin.....) but I have to watch dd like a hawk or she will basically just shove anyone aside to get what she wants. I have basically parented them the same way, they don't see hitting or watch tv shows with violence, and ds was very nice with his sister until she got old enough to tackle (or so he has decided) so I really do think for some kids it is just a personality trait. It makes me nervous too because dd is very social, but if there is something she wants she will go after it, but if someone else shoves her she will freak out. We were at a bday party and a five year old shoved her (she is 2), and a few minutes later I found her over by the five year old who had gone to her mom, shouting at her. I was shocked - a two year old shouting at someone after having been pushed. She was saying "don't you ever push me again, you are bad...". I'm still shocked by it, even though on some level it was funny because she was so furious ;).

I agree with previos posters, just keep on him and things will get better as he gets older. We have friends who have a daughter and she was ALWAYS pushing or hitting, it was constant. If my ds walked by her she would reach out and shove him. She is fine that she has more skills to communicate, and I do mean totally fine. It can be hard because I think other people wonder WHY your child is doing this, and why you can't stop it, but I am here to say it just isn't always that easy. I have one very gentle soul and one very determined soul, I love them both with all my heart. I am also finding that my little hurricane as we call her is incredibly funny, so some of it might just be showing an early spunky side. The other day they were at a friends house being baby sat and got into a fight. My friend told them to stop or she would have to call us. My 5 yo ds said "no please, I promise to be good," and 2 year old dd said "call them" with a little raised eyebrow. Night and day :).