Getting them to say "I'm sorry"

[Java]

Is it possible?

Kael knows when he's done wrong. You can read it in his eyes and his body language. BTW this is in reference to hitting and throwing stuff at people.

He absolutely refuses to say "I'm sorry" to me and especially to his peers. He's only apologized to me twice for hitting me in the face and that took first an hour in time-out and today 30 minutes in time-out. I'll check in on him every 10 minutes and ask him to say I'm sorry for hitting mommy but he just looks away.

I realize that at his age he's not supposed to be in TO for more that his age in minutes but I consider hitting a capital offense - especially when it's hard and done with intent. Plus I know that HE knows he's supposed to apologize but refuses to do so out of stubborness.

With his friends I put him in an age appropriate TO and then "make" him say I'm sorry for him while signing it (I say it and sign it - he's stubbornly quiet and glaring). Then I don't allow him to play with the toy/equipment that caused the hitting.

What can I do to encourage him to say I'm sorry?

[barbarhow]

I make Jack look me in the eyes and say "Sorry Mama for (fill in the blank). " If he doesn't look me in the eye he has to say it again. Hitting and kicking get an automatic TO in our house. He has to apologize when the TO is over. He has never refused. For smaller offenses when I have asked him to apologize for something and he resists I let him know that if he doesn't say sorry he will go to his room to think about XXXX.
Barbara-mom to Jack 3/27/03, a Red Sox fan
and Anna 5/12/05, my little Yankee fan!

[Vajrastorm]

This is just my 1 cents, and I am FAR from an expert on this, but it seems to me you've set up "Sorry" as a battle of wills. He won't say sorry because it means you've won.

I don't think we should make kids say sorry. Suggest it, yes. Model it, absolutely. But force it? No.

Apologizing (ideally) is an expression of regret/empathy. I'd rather a child not lie about it.

I am lucky - my dd will say sorry easily. She'll also hit easily, LOL, but hey she's two. The two things I do, which may or may not be responsible for her actions, is model saying sorry and never get mad at her for not wanting to say sorry. I will suggest she say it, but if she doesn't want to I leave it alone.

I have to wonder - if you and he both know he's done wrong, why do you need to force him to say sorry?

[Java]

I need to hear the "I'm sorry" bc I don't want him to do it again. He's gotten more and more "aggressive" (it's in quotes bc it's not really the right word - "more physical" is probably a better choice). He's gotten better at not pushing and hitting but he's still doing it when he knows better. And I know he knows better because he will start to hit a friend then pull back and instead calls for me. I praise him when I see him controlling himself so that he knows I'm happy and proud of him.

We had a 3-4 month period where he was constantly slapping me in the face and hitting me. He wasn't mad or tired or hungry. He would want up, look at me, cock his head and slap me one. It drove me crazy. After repeatedly telling him "No hitting mama" it only got better after I started enforcing the Say I'm Sorry Rule. He doesn't say it much (only twice to date) but I guess the feeling of being made to say it was enough of a deterrent.

After he says he's sorry I give him a hug and a kiss. I also make sure I tell him that I'm proud of him for saying I'm sorry.

For me just knowing I've done wrong isn't enough. By saying I'm sorry to the person I've hurt really brings it home that I have wronged and in a way shames me into not wanting to do it again. It's hard to say sorry even when you're an adult but you still should do it when you've hurt someone. I would like for him to know that lesson.

[peasprout]

No advice but you articulated yourself very well and I totally agree with you on the last paragraph. I want my kids to take ownership of what they've done, even if it makes them uncomfortable. It sounds like it's easier for your DS to take a time out than admit he was wrong. If he has to apologize every time he hits that will make him think twice after a while.
Good luck and hang in there! You're doing great!
JP

[s_gosney]

Well, I kind of hesitate to post because I don't want to make you feel like you have to defend your choices, because clearly you have the right to parent as you choose. But, for full disclosure I want to say that I am in the camp on not making children apologizing. Similar to what Andrie said, we model it, maybe even suggest it, but I certainly don't punish her for not apologizing. IMO that can easily lead to sorry turning into a get out of "jail" free pass. But again, this is a personal issue, with plenty of people on both sides.
The thing that I would encourage you to do is think more about what it is you're really wanting to gain from him saying sorry. You said that you want him to say sorry because you don't want him to do it again. While I understand that line of thinking, I really think that an expectation like that for a 2 year old is unrealistic. We want them to begin to move toward more socially acceptable behavior, but they still don't have much impulse control and expecting them to never do something again because they've said I'm sorry is not realistic, IMHO. I tend to have this same expectation of my DH (apologize and then don't do the offense again), but even he can't hold to that all (or even the majority) of the time, so how in the world can we expect our very young children to do so?
FWIW, we seem to have an opposite problem in our house. My dd has recently started apologzing like crazy. Sometimes it's because she's crawling up on my lap and I say "oh" when she pokes me in the stomach accidentally, but sometimes I can't figure out what has prompted her to say sorry. I've just come to the conclusion that she doesn't yet have the cognitive ability to understand the complexity of our social norms yet. :)
Another thing we do in our house is encourage dd to help the hurt person feel better. We started this long ago with dolls and stuffed animals that she threw or jumped on or whatever, and it's transferred well to times she hits or shoves me or dh. She will give us a hug and a kiss and say "all better?" This can be used in a situation with another child too, although the other child may not always want to be hugged. :)
Anyway, it sounds like to me that you're in tune with your ds and that you're doing a great job. I hope that you're able to come up with a plan that suits you and your family soon!