Time -out's HELP

[TraciG]

Ok at what age did you start giving time -out's also did you go by the book ? According to the book you give time out's A LOT ! Also the book say's if the child get's out of the chair before time out is over you tell them they will get spanked, they call it a swat on the butt & they say to do it EVERY TIME the child get's out of the chair, well it seem's a young child would get out of the chair a lot , need help, I want to start discipline already, I keep putting if off. Sydney turned 2 then end of October .

THANKS

[lizamann]

You don't say what book you're reading, but it sounds like it's telling you to do something you don't want to do. So don't do it! Find something else that jives better with you. If you want to do time-outs (which I don't FWIW) then lots of mamas here recommend 123 Magic. No spanking in that one, I believe.

[brittone2]

Can I ask you if you are 100% set on doing time outs or are you open to other ideas?

[kedss]

My DS is 2, and I've never considered doing time outs, usually I can redirect him, or put him in his high chair with some food, or something.
He's not really verbal yet, so I don't think TOs would work with him.

[TraciG]

The book is Time - Out For Toddlers. My doc recommended 123 Magic BUT that book is basically giving the child 2 chances to correct their behavior with no explanation then if you make it to 3 then they get a Time-out anyway.

Open to other ways to discipline, believe me Sydney needs to be disciplined by now, she doesn't listen at all ( yeah most kids don't )

[Piglet]

Actually 123 Magic is wonderful. We used it and still use the technique. I modified it to work with my DS and he knows the actions that bring negative consequences and avoids doing them. I give him good explanations on why I am counting to 3 and he usually stops at 2. I think that whatever book you use, you need to modify the technique for your family. It sounds like the book you are reading isn't jiving with your family either. Maybe give 123 Magic another try.

Also, I don't think there is a lot you can do for young kids other than redirection. At 2, 123 Magic won't work any better than time-outs proper and I really stay away from 'swatting' at that age (or at most ages) because it send the wrong message about hitting and at that age the kid is not able to understand the consequences of their actions very well. They lack the verbal skills to understand punishments. Redirect, redirect, redirect!

[katerinasmom]

Katie is 18 months. When she turned 15 months our pediatrician told us that she would be able to comprehend time outs for a maximum of 20 seconds at her age, that we should remove her from the situation, put her in some place safe (but not her crib or playpen) and basically ignore her for 20 seconds.

What we actually do is the following: First we tell her no (firmly and without long explanations that she is not capable of understanding) and redirect her to something else. If she immediately repeats the behavior we again tell her no and redirect. If she again immediately repeats the behavior, we again tell her no and give her a time out by removing her from the situation and either placing her in a chair or on the floor. As we remove her we say "No Katie. Now you have a time out." The time out lasts no more than 30 seconds. After that she no longer associates the time out with the behavior and simply gets frustrated with being restricted to a specified space. At the end of the time out, I hug her, tell her I love her and then let her go. She usually does not immediately return to the offending behavior.

This seems to work for us but I suspect that every child will be different as is every parent. I think you just have see what you are comfortable with and what your child responds to.

[Sillygirl]

We had a problem with Jonathan biting and pinching when he got at all frustrated, and I was worried it was going to upset our wonderful nanny-share arangement when the other child got marks a few times. So we felt this was a discipline issue that couldn't wait. Our ped recommended timeouts in the playpen with all the toys cleared out, lasting no more than a minute. You have to do timeouts a LOT at first. I like them because there is no yelling or scolding, you just calmly say "No biting - into timeout" and plop the baby in the playpen and ignore them for a minute. It took us a few days with everyone doing it and it has really paid off! We started this when Jonathan was about 13 months old. He never bites any more and usually only scratches when he is really tired, so we can usually redirect him before that happens.

[Momof3Labs]

We've been pretty happy with 123 Magic, also. DS doesn't get many time-outs these days, but we do count him when necessary - he normally stops the behavior at 2. We do more of a Supernanny approach then a literal "123 Magic" approach - we first explain what behavior we want out of him ("please don't climb on mommy - that hurts me when you do that - you can sit in my lap instead") and then move to the 1-2-3-time out if necessary. And when DS comes out of the time-out, we reinforce why he went in there and he apologizes, if appropriate. Then we hug and move on. I don't think that it is fair to a toddler to just throw out "1-2-3" without first telling them exactly what behavior you want to see. They aren't teenagers who basically know better! But I like giving DS a chance to correct his behavior since that is part of how he learns what is appropriate, IMO.

Oh, and we do time-out in DS's bedroom. If we are out, the time-out may be in the car, my parents' spare bedroom, whatever works.

You may find that no one approach suits your needs, and your child, perfectly, but by reading various approaches you can come up with one that works best for you. The swatting/spanking approach in your current book bothers me, personally, but I guess that it works for some people!

[Piglet]

I just wanted to add a bit more now that I have a minute - ours is a hybrid as well, but I do not know from which books other than 123 Magic. We first tell DS that we would like him to do or not do something - i.e. brushing teeth. He then has a little while to get moving (he has my high inertia). If I do not see any movement towards the bathroom, I count 1 and remind him that he is to brush his teeth. He then gets about 5-10 seconds to get moving. If there is no movement, I count to 2 and remind him to brush his teeth and immediately say, "if I get to 3, you will lose X privilege... you do not want me to count to 3!" I find his 'currency' (to borrow from Dr. Phil) changes all the time, so time-outs do not work well. Taking a toy away for a week or taking away a privilege for the night or taking away dessert work on any given day. I prefer to let him make choices, so he knows before I get to 3 that he will be losing a privilege, toy, etc. if I get all the way to 3. I rarely get to 3, but I follow through with the punishment always - that is also very important.

I also make sure he know exactly why he was disciplined and I make sure he has the right words to express what he did wrong. I usually guide him to tell me why he was disciplined and give him the right words if he gets stuck. For example, he sometimes comes to me and apologises for 'being bad'. I will help him understand that he was not bad, but that he was not respectful or that he was hurting my feelings, etc.

I do find that I sometimes bypass the 123 when the offense is particularly bad. If he hits or is outright mean to someone, he goes to his room for a time-out, no counting. I usually do not set a time limit on the TO, but rather tell him that he can come out when he has calmed down. I do not like treating TOs like punishments, but rather as an opportunity to calm down and get back to being a pleasant kid. I once heard a dad's perspective on TOs in a sporting sort of way. He said that he thinks of TOs like they do in sports - a chance for the coach to have a talk with the players and get back to playing well. I like this approach - a TO is a time to rethink what had occurred and figure out a way to get back on track (for both parents and kids).

I should point out that our techniques work for us, but took at least 2 years of trail and error to get to where we are right now. I am sure we will do things differently in 2 more years. You will not see immediate results with any technique and you will have to evolve as your DD grows.

Good luck,

[wagner36]

We give Charlie a warning (like "Charlie, it hurts mommy when you kick her when we're trying to put your pants on. Please stop kicking now or it will be time to go to the quiet chair"), and if he does it again we say "time for the quiet chair" and he sits in the chair for two minutes. He's actually never tried to get out of the chair and, to be fair, he's only had a few time-outs because after the first couple of times he's always stopped the behavior after the warning.

We probably did it for the first time when he was Sidney's age.


ETA: Here's what I think about the butt-swatting/spanking. If you are putting a child in a time-out due to a physical action (kicking, hitting, biting) they did, most likely out of frustration and their inability to communicate, then if you swat/spank, they won't learn that the behavior is wrong. A toddler can't process that it is okay for you to hit, but that isn't okay for them to do so.

Have you ever watched supernanny? I bet you would get some tips from that - it's highly entertaining.

[brittone2]

Disclaimer....I'm not religious much at all really, but I really like the "5 steps" approach, the "HALT" idea, and the "comfort corner" stickies at this site:
http://www.gentlechristianmothers.com/mb/index.php?PHPSESSID=e65de1ccbfdf276362820a56695d10 92&board=19.0
There's also one about "why not time outs" that might be interesting to read even if it doesn't click with you. If you do decide to go with time outs, hopefully you'll find some other info on there that is helpful. It is one of my favorite resources, and it is free :)

I know there are several other mamas here who also like this site (I think I learned about it here many months ago). Anyway, I like that the approach is not punitive, but not permissive either. IMO not punishing doesn't have to equate with being permissive. That site really increased my awareness of that.

I hope you find something that works for you :)

[westgre]

I tried time outs with DD and found that it didn't really cut down on problems, but it did stop them at that moment. I've been reading "Easy To Love, Difficult To Discipline" by Becky Bailey. This book has been the best so far in actually helping both of us deal with behavior problems. I cannot recommend this book enough. I've read many discipline books over the last couple months (DD was hitting and kicking me) and this one has been the best.
Good luck!