Mother's Day Out--pros and cons (long)

[crl]

Please help me think this through. DS is 2 1/2 and was adopted from China at 14 months of age. He is a bit behind in speech, fine motor skills and adaptive skills. We've had several evals done (including one dr that we disagree with who said autism in case anyone remembers. . . . we've had other professionals agree with us and no one else has said autism).

One suggestion, from a doctor we really trust, is to have him do some sort of mother's day out/preschool a couple of mornings a week. (DS is already getting speech and occupational therapy.) I am a stay at home mom. We already do some classes, have standing playdates and visit friends in the neighborhood.

DS is very active, usually happy, and rather social with both adults and other children of various ages (although a bit slow to warm up). He is also VERY clingy to me. For example, a couple of times lately I've left him with his dad (so I could grocery shop) and DS has cried for me until he threw up. . . . On the other hand, DS has stayed quite happily with his best friend and friend's mom without me.

I can see that the social aspect and being exposed to developmentally appropriate peers would be really good for DS, but I am very worried about how well he would adjust to being away from me. I do not want his first experience with "school" to be unpleasant nor do I want him to be unhappy. I would be able to deal with him crying a bit when I leave for the first few times, but I don't want him to be more upset than that.

I suppose we could just try it out and see, but I would rather not start the whole thing if it will just leave a bad memory for him (and give him the impression that if he cries he doesn't have to go to school).

Sorry this is so long and I appreciate any thoughts.

[kedss]

Hopefully next Sunday I'm going to take DS to the Sunday School where I used to teach, its now a 2-3 year old class, but I will sit with him the first time and see how things go, then if it works out, maybe leave him there and try to go to a service with the grownups, LOL.

I volunteer on Saturdays and leave ds with his dad for about 3 hours, and then we usually meet up for lunch. some days this goes well, other days it doesn't. The rest of the week I'm at home with him.

We just had an evaluation with a speech pathologist and he's high in comprehenion but low in expression, so I'm hoping that trying out Sunday School will help him with his talking.

hth!

[dogmom]

I think the key is to find the right program. If he is getting spech and occupational therapy I would suggest you ask the therapists or the early intervention program that first evaluated him on some school suggestions. How close is the adoption agency you used? The one I know near me has contacts with differnt programs in the area. There is also a program that has supervised play programs that are run by professional therapists. I think if you spend your time finding the right venue this will be a positive experience for your son.

Jeanne
Mom to Harvey
1/16/03

[ethansmom]

Do you have any mom-and-me type preschools in your area?

We go to a Toddler playgroup offered through our Lamaze Office that is very structured. We call it school, I just get to stay!

[crl]

Thank you both for your thoughts!

I think the Sunday school idea is a good one, unfortunately our church is quite small and DS' age group is just in the nursery. We've taken him there during services, but never left him. It doesn't appear to us that the nursery workers are equipped to deal with a child who is very upset at being left--the other kids are 3 1/2 and up and all fine with being without their parents.

I have talked with DS' therapists and our adoption agency and haven't gotten any suggestions yet. His therapists do not think he is all that far behind (i.e. his OT says he's probably really at age now on fine motor skills) so I don't think they would recommend something run by therapists. . . . And the doctor we trust said he thought DS should be around appropriately developing peers, not other kids with developmental delays. I think the idea is for him to have good models--he imitates a lot. I suppose taking DS with me to visit programs might help a lot in trying to find a good fit, which I agree could make all the difference.

My main concern is how stuck he is on having Mama around. I suppose there isn't any way to know for sure how that will play out. Anyone have a checklist of readiness for preschool or some such thing?

Thanks!

[crl]

Hmmm, I don't know. I haven't heard of that around here, but it certainly could exist. And it's a very interesting option.

Thanks!

[Java]

We take a Practice Preschool class through our City's Community Education program. Actually, it's the community next to ours so I have to pay an extra $3. It's a really good program for 1.5 - 2.5 year olds and there's another for 2.5 - 3.5 year olds. Parents stay and participate with the child while exposing them to arts and crafts, storytime, music and the (dreaded) carpet square which Kael has never really understood. It took him several weeks to warm up to the class and participate but now with our second session he's doing really well.

Perhaps that's something you can look into.

Good luck! I'd type more but Kael is tugging me away.

[icunurse]

We have had DS in a MDO program since this past Sept and it has made such a big difference in him (so much that he's going to start two days/week this month). He has really improved his social and verbal skills (not that they were bad, just not a lot of socialization independent of me or DH, always a Gymboree class or something similar). He started off a little hesitant,though he never cried, but now runs to the toys and doesn't even look back for me. There was one day where he didn't feel well and just kept crying - the teachers there knew he "wasn't himself" and called me to pick him up. I know at the one we attend that they expect the children to be a little upset the first few times, but are very reassuring that the children will calm down after a few minutes.

I am honestly surprised at how much I like the program and it makes me feel better that DS really seems to love it. The instructors are great with the kids and I trust them. It also helped to see him the first couple of weeks having so much fun (put my mind at ease that he wasn't just sitting there crying the whole time). I've been really happy with the program and feel that it only benefits DS. I'm not sure it will help a ton with any delays, but it can't hurt (and you can always pull him out if it just doesn't work out for him).


Traci
~Connor's Mom 02/2004~
Agency paperwork completed - waiting (and waiting) for another baby!

[wendmatt]

I think if you are doing lots of interaction with other kids through playdates and classes you are doing a great job. If DS is not ready to be left I'd say don't push him yet. Although I'm prob not the best to ask as DD is just 3 and I haven't left her yet! DD was speech delayed and is coming along really well now, we do playgroups and library times. 2.5 is still very young, so there's no rush. Do what you feel is best, I think your intuition is best.

[C99]

I would suggest that you just try it. My SIL has her daughter in a MDO where they do a graduated immersion for the first week or two of the program, so that both parents and kids can adjust to the idea.

Nathaniel started a MDO program in September. I had to put him on a waiting list to get him into the program and when the director called to tell me that he got a spot, I was a bit anxious about how he would fare, etc. I dropped him off on the first day and he took to it like a duck to water. *I* cried; he was fine. Now, I drop him off and he gives me a kiss and tells me to leave (although he is excited to see me when I pick him up). I think he's about the only kid in his class who behaves this way, which just makes me think that I did something right in terms of keeping him close for the first 2.5 years of his life (although at other times I wonder what is wrong w/ my parenting that he's so comfortable at school). We've done a lot of classes and out-and-about type things, and have been in a playgroup since he was about 6 months, which I think has been helpful in making the transition. He also was briefly in a home-based daycare for 15 hours/week for about 4 weeks when I had to go on bedrest last February and March. Our MDO program is 4 hours/day for 2 days/week. Nate only went 1 day/week during the fall, but I think he'd have been just as happy to go more often. He will go 2 days/week when the session starts back up again.

[ethansmom]

The mom-and-me preschool was new to me too. One of the moms from our lamaze group mentioned it existed in another town. Sorry, I didn't follow-up and have no idea how to really go about finding such a beast. I just thought it would be great for kiddos w/separation issues to still get the benefits of preschool.

Actually, now that I think of it, I would start your search w/your local lamaze office. I know ours has a lot of info on other programs available in the community.

[holliam]

Catherine, do you think he is exeperience any attachment issues? Have you read "Toddler Adoption: Weaver's Craft" I only mention this because of his reaction to being left alone with Daddy.

Mari and I had some bonding issues in the beginning because Liam was SAHD but we worked through it, and now she is happy with either of us. We still have not left her alone with anyone besides one of us yet.

I only mention this because I do think that this may affect your decision.

Holli

[lizajane]

i don't have experience with adoption, so my thoughts may be off. but i do have a lot of experience with MDO/preschool! both of my sons attend "school" two mornings/week. they are there now! (um, liza, get off the computer, get downstairs and get to work...)

schuyler started MDO last year at 18 months. the first several times i dropped him off, he cried. the teachers were incredible- the scooped him up and got him involved in activities. he did the same thing at church nursery. even now, at close to 3 years, he requires a "hug n' kiss" before you leave or he will LOSE it. BUT as soon as he gets the hug and kiss, he is SO happy to be there. schuyler LOVES school. he loves his friends there. he loves his teachers. he plays SO well with ANY kid and is almost not shy enough! (in other words, he talks to strangers!) i think preschool is fantastic for him. he is very active and outgoing and really needs that time with his buddies.

dylan started MDO at 7 months, so i could do work from home. he never cried. he dives into his caregivers arms and snuggles her. he LOVES it there. he crawls around like he owns the place! he will go to anyone and play happily on his own anywhere. he laughs with his buddies and gets to be with friends his own age, instead of all 2-3 years olds who run him down.

clearly, my kids are very different from your kid. BUT i just wanted to share something positive about preschool. i think it is great. i can see a difference in my kids versus kids who do not attend a similar program. in my totally uneducated opinion, i think it would be a great idea, as soon as you go slowly. see if you can stay the first day. then maybe stay an hour the next time, etc. try a few days where you drop off and go. you need to give it some time, because they will often cry the first few times and then magically stop. obviously, if he screams until he pukes 5 times in a row, it isn't the time. but maybe he will cry the first few times and then look forward to it like schuyler did?

rambling. sorry. good luck!

[crl]

Thank you all so much for helping me think this through.

As Holli points out, the adoption does add another aspect to all of this. While I think DS has attached quite well to me and reasonably well to DH, I am concerned about jeopardizing that and also recognize that DS may still be a bit insecure. (Social workers and other evaluators see no attachment issues at this point.) DS definitely prefers having me around and he knows that at least some of the time if he makes a big scene, he gets me back (I come home or DH brings DS to me). Since DH has to work, that does not work to get DH back. So I think some of the extreme crying is because it works. . . . On the other hand, if he "needs" me so much that he's willing to do that. . . .

We are moving cross-country in August and part of me just thinks we should wait until we've moved. That would give DS another 9 months or so to be more ready to separate and would mean one less adjustment for him. On the other hand, it would be 9 months of exposure to peers if we went forward and things worked out.

Thanks again!

[holliam]

Catherine, I think you should trust your instincts. I think there is a huge wide range of attachment "issues". I really think Mari and I had one early on even though she attached well to DH. It didn't mean that we had a full-blown attachment disorder or anything.

Honestly, I would first start by having DH spend more time with him alone before you send him to a playgroup. I honestly was afraid to be alone with Mari by myself because I thought I made her miserable. We totally didn't get each other. I was NOT her foster mama, and that was clear! I was embarrassed to admit this because I loved her so much, and I felt like such a failure. But, our turning point was something that I did not expect.

We got new washer/dryer delivered right around her 1st birthday and for some reason she was TERRIFIED by the delivery guys. We have people here all the time so it was very weird. Well, DH had to help them get the old ones out, etc. so I HAD to be the one to calm her down. She was absolutely hysterical too. But, this incident sealed our relationship. She realized that she could count on me to protect her and calm her. Apparently, my magic is with singing and humming. :)

I guess if I were in your position, I'd wait and try to build his comfort level with DH more first before doing a MDO. Maybe just try doing even more activities with other kids with you there too.

Good luck! Please PM me if you ever want to brainstorm/chat about this. Life is sure more complicated than just diaper shopping, huh? ;)

Holli

[kransden]

Can't you just go to MDO with him? You could gradually decrease your interaction with him there. I would ask the people that run it if it would be a problem. I am sure it wouldn't. Typically as your son becomes more comfortable he will get involved with whatever the project of the day is and need you less. I could see if you dropped him off and left he would be terrified, but if you went with him a few times, I bet he would be fine after that if he likes the program.

Karin and Katie 10/24/02

[JacksMommy]

Karin said exactly what I was thinking - most preschools would be fine with you hanging out there as needed to ensure that DS feels comfortable. Since DS has successfully stayed with others, this isn't necessarily a doomed experiment. Since he is a social child, it seems and your doctor recommended school, I don't really see any reasons to delay it - 9 months is a long time in the life of a 2 and a half year old!

Of course you need to follow your instincts but our kids can surprise us sometimes. I think some factors that make school different from leaving him at home with DH are that there are other kids there and a lot is going on, as well as the fact that it is not the home environment (where he expects you to be).

You might think about looking at some of the schools where DS already has friends, if there are any - that can help, too.

Good luck!

Laurel
WOHM to Jack, 6/4/02
Baby Madeline 12/14/04

[KBecks]

How about seeing if a teacher will let you sit in on the first two classes or so. You sit in a corner and observe and DS will hopefully go get involved with the playtime. Then once he's familiar with the school and knows what to expect, you might be able to leave easier.

I think it's worth trying, for a short time and if it doesn't work for you then drop it.