Friendship and religion - WWYD?

[psophia17]

To make a long story short, I have a very close friend from HS. We are both Catholic and went to Catholic high school together. Her reading of Catholicism and its rules differs from mine, probably because her elemetary school was very conservative while mine was comparatively liberal, but this has never gotten in the way of a very good friendship. For the most part, we don't discuss religion, because we agree on the fundamental teachings. It's just the practice that we have agreed to disagree on - this has worked for us for going on 15 years. When we do get into it and argue, it doesn't take us long to stop, forgive, and move on, maintaining our friendship because it is important to both of us to do so.

She has been on the pill for AF issues since HS, and considers it an added bonus that it's birth control, because a) she doesn't plan to ever have kids and b) she couldn't just use it just for birth control - she takes it only for medical reasons. Which is fine by me, although I don't see how she can square that with her faith, given that she has such a conservative view of Church doctrine, but whatever. In any case, when I told her I was pg, and how the pill failed, she made some comments on how I shouldn't have been on the pill in the first place, although she knew I had somehow managed to square it with God. Isn't that completely hypocritical, coming from someone who doesn't plan to ever go off the pill and have kids? Interestingly, she has been told that her AF issues would likely resolve if she got pregnant and had a baby. What might her thought process be, here?

I'm hormonal and overtired, if it was pretty clear she thinks I'm a bad Catholic. I don't think it's up to me to think anything about her faith - it's between her and God, but it upsets me that she obviously feels this way about me. I don't know how to take it - or how to respond. WWYD?

[mommy_someday]

Geez, don't you just hate conversations like that? I'm so undecided right now about all the things I grew up believing in terms of religion, so I really try to avoid conversations about it with others (except DH). FWIW, I agree that it seems very hypocritical of her to have said that to you. I think it would depend on your relationship with her as to whether or not you should say something. Maybe she didn't realize how it came across? Or maybe she just didn't think about it, period. Sorry you're feeling down about this. I hope it gets resolved for you.

[julieakc]

Wow! I think her comment was very hypocritical. As the pp suggested I suppose your response depends on your relationship, but for my close friends whom I've known that long I wouldn't hesitate to call them on their comment, maybe with some question about what she would do if her "medicine" didn't have the side effect of preventing pregnancy?

[mommd]

I agree. Most of the time I would just let a comment like this go. We are the only ones who have to make peace with ourselves and God over the personal choices we make, so who cares what she thinks? If she were a very close friend, I would ask her what she would do if she wasn't taking the pill for another reason. If she doesn't want to have kids and is such a great Catholic, she should only use natural family planning or not have sex! See what she thinks about that. :)

[annasmom]

I agree that her remark was hypocritical, but I would probably let it go. I have a similar relationship with a really great friend. Our differences don't deal with religion though, but rather her lifestyle in general(she is a bit of a partier). Also, I could be wrong, because I am pretty much a lapsed Catholic despite having gone to Catholic school my entire life and being brought up in a conservative household, but if I remember correctly as part of the Catholic wedding ceremony don't you have to state that you would welcome children into your life??

[elliput]

Sounds hypocritical to me also, however, my first thought is that your friend has not truly reconciled her use of a birth control pill with her beliefs and she is digging for some added justification.

Blow it off, she just wasn't thinking.

[dogmom]

I agree with the PP that this is mostly due to HER unresolved issues. If you are active in the church talking to your priest might be helpful.

Jeanne
Mom to Harvey
1/16/03

[ribbit1019]

DH and I have had this discussion. :)
It would let it go this time, if she brings it up again, then I would explain the hypocritical angle to her. I agree with PP that is sounds like she is still having issues reconciling her use of the pill with her beliefs. I think that religion is a personal thing and should be left as such. She shouldn't be making you feel bad for your choices.

Christy
Maddy born 6/09/04
http://lilypie.com/baby2/040609/3/4/0/-5/.png
Little Man due 3/02/06
http://bd.lilypie.com/cKLom4/.png
Co-Owner Ribbit Baby

[ribbit1019]

Mouse Trigger happy lately.

Christy
Maddy born 6/09/04
http://lilypie.com/baby2/040609/3/4/0/-5/.png
Little Man due 3/02/06
http://bd.lilypie.com/cKLom4/.png
Co-Owner Ribbit Baby

[redhookmom]

Nothing gets me heated like someone else disrespecting my religious beliefs. I think about this all of the time as I have some friends that are quite self-righteous when it comes the there religions.

I believe in my heart and soul that there are many paths to God and we each have to be respectful of our friends' religious truths.

The tricky part is when it seems to be a part of some people's religions to truly believe that there’s in the only "true" path to God. It is hard for me to respect that view. Especially when I am on the receiving end of a condescending look and head tilt.

I have not figured out how to respectfully deal with this. If you figure anything out let me know!

[cmdunn1972]

I might ask your friend to clarify her current views regarding birth control. It's possible that she may have moderated her views (even just a little) or be in the process of moderating her views regarding birth control because of her current situation. Sometimes when people start to change their opinions about something, things are expressed a little strangely.

For myself anyway (and I don't think this is unusual), I tend to see my friends as the way they were when I first met them. For that reason, when they change, I can be a little slow to pick up on that. Since your friend may be reevaluating her views about (artificial) birth control, I might sit down with her. Something like, "Surely you didn't mean this the way it sounded. What did you really mean when you said this?" might do. It might also help her become more aware of her own viewpoints and how she sounds when she expresses them to others.

[JElaineB]

Huh? It definitely sounds hypocritical of her to say that! I too would probably just blow it off unless it came up again. But it does sound like "intent" matters to her, i.e., her intent in using bcp is different from yours so she isn't doing anything "wrong" but you were. Though since her intent is not to have children I don't see how she reconciles it for herself so easily. Also, does she not realize that some huge percentage of Catholics use birth control, at least at some point in their lives? If you do want to probe further, I agree with the pp who said to ask her what she would do if she did not have to be on bcp for medical reasons. That would be an interesting answer, I think.

Jennifer
mom to Jacob 9/27/02

[Jenn98]

I'm a recovering Catholic here, too. (Hee hee. I mean no offense at all - I just spent 13 years in Catholic schools!) You're right. Part of the wedding vows state that you will accept children as a gift from God and raise them in the Catholic Church.

To the OP, you're right. Your friend is being very hypocritical. But it won't get you anywhere to attack her about it. I say you just calmly ask her to clarify what she said unless ignorance is bliss and you don't want to know what she really thinks/believes on this one. If she ever brings it up again I'd just say sometihng along the lines of how you recognize that your views are a bit different and you'd appreciate it if she could respect that and agree to disagree without discussion.

[Vajrastorm]

I agree with the PP's that her comment had nothing to do with you and everything to do with HER unresolved guilt. Its almost as though she were talking to herself.

I'm sorry that you had to be standing in the direction of her guilt projectile. (hug)

[kijip]

Ah, so many of us have a belief that we apply selectively to ourselves it seems! The vegan the sneeks cheetos when no one is looking, the woman who says never to abortion until it is her pregnancy, the person against the death penalty who wants revenge after their child is killed, the healthfood nut who lectures for eating white flour and sugar but loves nothing for breakfast more than fluffy white pancakes and maple syrup and jam :). I know I am guilty of some hypocrasy for sure. Obviously what your friend is doing makes no sense. Is she married? But I agree with the pp that there is not much to do here other than know that she is wrong. Since you are so close to her you could mention that it hurt you and see what she says. You could even ask her what exactly she thinks the difference is between your use of the pill and hers.

No friend has the right to admonish you or look down on you about your faith.

[KBecks]

Honestly, blow it off... it doesn't matter what she thinks of your faith. And it's fine to tell her that your decisions are between you and God.

But, hopefully she won't dwell on it, and neither should you.

If she does start to harp, just let her know that she's a great friend and the topic needs to be put to rest.

[lisaE]

Yes I think is it hypocritical. Also very judgemental. Yuck.

A lot of folks think that they have the answer for everyone else, but that they are somehow a special case scenario. Like what applies to everyone else shouldn't apply to them for whatever reason. I feel for ya, that's a hard thing to deal with between friends.

[JacksMommy]

I have to disagree with a the PPs who encouraged you to blow this off. It sounds as though she really hurt your feelings by judging your actions regarding the bcp (BTW, I believe I read that 94% of American Catholics use some form of contraceptive in their lifetime, and I don't mean natural family planning, either). Since she is a close friend and since you feel so hurt, I think it would be very reasonable to sit down and address it with her. Something like, "I wanted you to know that it really hurt my feelings when you said that." Usually a statement like that followed by a silence will solicit some response but if not, you can prompt along the lines of "I'm not sure whether that was just an offhand comment, or what, but can you tell me what you were thinking when you said that?" You expressed yourself quite well in your post so more than likely you can make her understand why that was a hurtful thing for you, even though you've agreed to disagree on practical matters in the past.

Obviously there is nothing wrong with blowing it off if you decide to do that, but sometimes these things can linger and fester and get much worse over time if not addressed.

Sorry you are going through this, it's even harder when you are hormonal and sensitive to begin with.

BTW, I think this comment was rude and insensitive not just on the religion front but also in general, no one wants to hear a judgemental comment like that when they are dealing with a surprise pregnancy that they had taken precautions to avoid.

HTH, and feel better.

Laurel
WOHM to Jack, 6/4/02
Baby Madeline 12/14/04

[psophia17]

Thank you, everyone, for your responses.

I had been trying to blow it off, but the whole vibe of "you deserved this upheaval" that I was getting was too much...I feel crappy and stressed out enough without having to worry that a vent to a friend is going to earn me a lecture, you know?

Anyhow, this morning we discussed it. She feels strongly that since she is on the pill for medical reasons, and was on it well before she got married and started having sex, that she can continue to use it, especially since there is no guarantee that getting pregnant and having a baby would resolve the same AF issues that the pill has masked for more than a decade, without being a hypocrite. I asked what she would do in my place, and she said she'd wear a chastity belt if she had to. I also asked how she would want to be treated if she became one of the % of women who gets pregnant while on the pill. That is the case in which she'd welcome children, per her vows. She didn't take back her comments (I didn't expect her to), but she did agree that she should've kept her mouth shut, which is something.

So, while I still think she considers me a bad Catholic, at the very least she got a lesson in the Golden Rule, right?

Again - thanks to everyone for responding.

[kimbe]

I am glad that you got to talk it out with your friend again. As a fellow Catholic, I would chalk this one up as "offer it up as penance!" Just say a prayer for her!

OT -- I have been saying some prayers for you, how's the "all day" sickness going?

[psophia17]

Thanks Kim :)

As far as the all day sickness is going, it's still going.

So long as I'm eating, I feel fine, but as soon as a meal or snack is over I feel ill again. Yesterday night I had a bowl of ice cream and a ton of cookies, and then went right to bed - and finally got some sleep. I'm sure I'll survive...that's something, right?

[psophia17]

Yup, she's married...for 3 years to a guy who she was with for 6 years before that.

As far as the rest goes, I know that I do things that are officially against the "rules," but I don't try to myself or others that I am. Or, for that matter, that I'm right in my choices. But that's life.