What do you do when your DC tells you, "Go away!"

[tny915]

This is a new thing DD's been doing when she gets a little peeved at us. I know this is just a normal part of toddler-dom, but she's actually saying it quite a bit to DH. DH feels genuinely hurt when DD says this and it shows in his tone of voice. I've been telling him this is a power thing with DD and to not make a big deal out of it, to not actually leave the room but just move maybe a foot or so away.

I want to tell DD that this is not a nice thing to say, but I also want her to learn to stand up for herself if someone is doing something she doesn't like.

Suggestions? How do you handle this in your house?

[TraciG]

Gee I hope we don't go through that, right now when I kiss Sydney she wipes it off & doesn't want to give me kisses .

Sorry no suggestions what Sydney does reminded me a little of what you were saying in a way. Sydney is the same age too .

[TraciG]

Gee I hope we don't go through that, right now when I kiss Sydney she wipes it off & doesn't want to give me kisses .

Sorry no suggestions what Sydney does reminded me a little of what you were saying in a way. Sydney is the same age too .

[Momof3Labs]

We struggled with this a bit, because like you said, you want your child to be nice and show respect to others, but everyone should have a right to ask for a little space when they need it.

We varied how we tackled this. First of all, whenever Colin says something bossy to us like "go away", we don't budge but ask him to "ask nicely". Then, once he's asked nicely, we may ask him why he wants us to go away (or where he wants us to go, or something similar to defuse the situation a bit). Or we may move back a little and give him his space.

It definitely isn't something that should hurt your DH's feelings - she's just being a toddler and proving to herself that she has a little control over her world, not trying to kick daddy out of her life! Though his dramatic reaction may be the reason that she continues to say it to him!!

[Sarah1]

Audrey used to do this a lot. We told Audrey that saying "go away" hurts the feelings of family and friends and how could she say it more nicely...now she usually says "Please, I would like to be by myself right now" or "I would like some privacy" or something similar. But I know what you mean, sometimes "go away" would be the right thing to say if she was ever confronted by a stranger. I think kids figure out the difference eventually.

[marit]

Actually I don't think it's a power thing. I think she is developing her independence and going through a natural process of separation from you (as an infant they see themselves and you as one piece).

If I were you I would go away. It is OK for her to want to be alone. Maybe this is how she chooses to deal with anger, or maybe she just wants to see how being alone in a room feels like. She can't say all that because her vocabulary is not that rich yet, so she says "go away". Try not to go away making her feel guilty that she sent you away. You can tell her to call you when she doesn't want to be alone anymore and reassure her that you'll come back when she calls you. You or DH can also tell her how you feel, but make it your issue not hers (meaning make "I" statements instead of "you" statements"). Something like, I feel sad when you don't want to play with me.

My DD doesn't like me to watch her play pretend, so she asks me to go away. If I peak I see her take her dolls and do to them all the things she doesn't like doing very well her self. Like she'll be brushing their teeth and tell them that if they don't do it their teeth will hurt, and not to try etc. Funny!

[lisams]

DD went through this. We just told her something like "It sounds like you need some alone time" and after a few weeks she started saying "I need some alone time" instead of "Go away". We never made a big deal of it - just told her she needed alone time and walked away and ignored her until she was in a nicer mood. For us just ignoring her until she was nicer was enough to curb it, but it took a few weeks of being consistant. Now her big thing is "privacy"! She'll run to the bathroom to go potty and remind us that she wants us to stay away by saying "Privacy please!" I think she got that from me repeating it so many times!

[JacksMommy]

At your DD's age, I would focus more on the rspecting her privacy/power thing than on trying to teach her that this isn't a nice thing to say - that can definitely be learned later. I agree with PPs that respecting her request and leaving her alone is probably a good idea, although not of course when it is unreasonable, such as when you are all at the dinner table. At that point, you could suggest that she can go spend some time on her own if that is what she wants.

Sorry your DH is feeling hurt by this, over time he will hopefully see that this is just a thing kids go through. It can be hurtful at times (and more than likely will be many, many more times!) but it's good to see it as a healthy developmental phase. After all, you wouldn't want a child who doesn't know how to ask for space when she needs it!

Laurel
WOHM to Jack, 6/4/02
Baby Madeline 12/14/04

[kristy]

Our DS still does this off and on. Most of the time we make light of it and leave him alone when its reasonable to do so. At the times we can't "go away" (brushing teeth, giving a bath etc.) we explain to him that its time for him to do what Mommy and Daddy are saying. With DS I think a lot of this is a personality issue. He simply is the type of person who needs time to himself. He can also be very well mannered and sociable - especially if he has had enough down time at home.

Oddly enough, DS also says this much more frequently to DH!

[Melanie]

I think I would say, if not in her room, "I am not going anywhere but if you would like to be alone, you may go to your room/wherever." Or if it was in her room I would say, "If you would like to be alone, you may ask Mommy to leave please."