WWYD: Toddler Clinginess & Daycare Provider calling ds spoiled

[tina-t]

When ds turned 2, he seemed to become more attached to me. He usually goes to daycare MWF and has been fine during drop off in the mornings. However, since he turned 2, it has been harder to drop him off. He clings and whines and does not let go. He does eventually let go when he sees a favorite toy or he is offered a favorite cereal or food. When dh or I pick him up in the afternoon, he does not want to leave, and he looks like he is having so much fun. I have no problems with the daycare otherwise.

This am, there was one other kid already in the daycare and ds was acting the same as usual. The other toddler was commenting that my ds kept on saying no. I overheard the daycare provider say something to the other toddler that ds was spoiled. I let that comment pass but I did feel a little irritated. I just thought that ds was having separation anxiety issues. I did not think that ds acts like a brat. We certainly discipline him when appropriate, with time-outs. We do not tolerate hitting, pushing or biting etc., which ds rarely does anyway.

Would you say anything or would you ignore the comment?

From the books that I have read, separation anxiety in toddlers can appear between 2-3 years old. I am hoping that ds will grow out of this soon. Has anybody been through this too?

Sorry this is long. Thanks if you made it this far.

[missym]

That is pretty out of line of your provider, IMO! That kind of negative labelling has no place in a daycare... plus clinginess does not equal "spoiled." I may be overreacting, but this would cause me to question whether my dc provider's philosophy was compatible with my own. At the least, I would tell her that I don't appreciate such comments and hope to never hear such negative terms used regarding my own or another child.

Missy, mom to Gwen 03/03 and Rebecca 09/05

[elliput]

I definitely would not ignore this comment. I think that a DCP is just as responsible for the development of a child as the parent, and it really reflects poorly on a DCP if they are labeling a child as "spoiled." They definitely should not be commenting on the behavior of your child to another child or parent. This is very unprofessional IMO.

[kedss]

I would definitely say something to the daycare person who said this, and if she responds inappropriately to you, talk to her supervisor if she has one. Speaking as a former daycare worker, this is inapproppriate for a daycare worker to speak to your DC's classmate in this way about your child. It is not fair to you, your child or the child she spoke to.
As a mother, I would be pissed off.

[miscelster]

Wow, I would be extremely angry to hear that. I agree that talking to a supervisor or someone might be helpful. If this is how the DCP feels about your DS, I would wonder how he's being treated during the daycare, you know?

It seems to me that clinginess is normal at just about any young age. My DC is also pretty clingy and one daycare we were checking out "blamed" it on my parenting skills. Needless to say, we did not go with them!

Missy

[Mommy_Again]

It's one thing for the DCP to make the comment to another DCP (unacceptable, don't get me wrong). But to say it another TWO YEAR OLD - who repeats EVERYTHING - is completely out of line. I would bring it straight to a supervisor.

[murpheyblue]

I would definitely say something to someone in charge. It in completely inappropriate for a DCP to call your child spoiled, particularly since it seems that he is simply experiencing normal seperation anxiety. Regardless though, (a) calling your child spoiled and (b) telling a third party (albeit a child) that your child is spoiled is just inappropriate. You do not pay the kind of money daycare costs to have your parenting skills insulted. If your DCP has an actual concern about your child's behavior they should speak with you directly in a mature, non-confrontational manner.

[kdeunc]

I would be upset about the comment and would say something to the provider. Not only is it not appropriate to make the comment, I think she is wrong! From what I have witnessed with my own son and his classmates it is pretty common for them to have another "bout" of separation anxiety around 2. My own child had several months where he would cry when I would leave him in the morning and his teachers were all extremely compassionate in helping him deal with the separation. He was definitely not the only one in his class who did this. He did eventually get over it and now he does fine when I leave him.

[Zana]

I'm in total agreement with PPs. Your DP was totally out of line, I would mention it to both the DP involved and the supervisor. This seems to be a pretty common thing with kids that age.

DS has been in daycare since 11 mths. Since about 18 mths, he has been doing the same as your DC, howls/clings for the 2 minutes that he sees me leave and then he's fine (I've peeked through the window and he's happily playing with his toys). My DPs initally kept re-assuring me about how he was fine after I left etc and now help me distract him/calm him down to get him through it. They have never made it seem like a big deal or made any kind of issue about it.

[dr mom]

That would really bother me on several levels:

1. The daycare provider has no clue that separation anxiety is both normal and developmentally appropriate in the age group she is working with. I would wonder whether she is ignorant about other important child-development issues as well. Is she making fun of or criticizing children who aren't toilet trained, who don't share toys, who are shy with others?

2. The daycare provider is criticizing children within their earshot. Shouldn't she be teaching them that name-calling is wrong, not modeling it for them? Is she equally critical when you aren't there to hear it? What is that doing to the self-esteem of the children in her care?

3. The daycare provider feels that it is appropriate to confide her frustrations in a TWO YEAR OLD CHILD. Honestly this is what bothers me most of all - it's one thing to step out of the room and grumble quietly with a co-worker, but it's totally unacceptable to use children as confidantes. It suggests that she has boundary issues.

I would say something to the DP and her supervisor.
I know it will probably feel awkward to do it (and I don't like confrontations either) but you are your child's voice, and he needs you to stand up for him.

[nicoleandjackson]

ITA with the PPs that the daycare provider was extremely inappropriate--if you don't feel comfortable confronting her directly, speak with the supervisor/director and make sure that they give you follow up information on how the situation was handled (or if this is not the first thing you are unhappy about, request a conference with the supervisor/director).

I work at a daycare, and FWIW, your DS's behavior is totally normal! There are a few tips that we give parents whose DCs are having separation issues:

- Try to establish a drop-off routine: pick a favorite book, toy, puzzle, etc. that you can do with DS at drop-off everyday; this will also help with the transition out the door ("When we finish this, Mommy is going to go to work")
- Establish a ritual: one of my favorite families sends their DC off with three kisses in DCs hand ("If you need a kiss from Mommy/Daddy; there are some in your hand that you can find whenever you need one")
- Don't linger too long: this is the #1 problem with tough drop-offs; you should stay long enough to get DC settled, but don't stay for a lengthy time; I know it's counter-intuitive, but the longer you stay, the harder it is for the child to get settled
- Be positive and upbeat: smile, wave and wish your child a good day; don't sneak out--make sure your DC can see you leave (it would freak us out if DH or DC suddenly disappeared, and we are grown-ups!)
- Let your child know that you will be back and when (if feasible): if you pick up DS at the same time everyday, you can remind him ("I'll see you after naptime/snack/recess")
- Save guilt and tears for the lobby/car where DC won't see you; trust me when I say that it won't be more than a few minutes that DS may be upset after you leave, but I swear some parents don't even round the corner from the classroom when their DCs are smiling, laughing and playing

I'm sure you know all of this, but it helps to see it all spelled out. I know this stage is hard, but it will pass.

ETA: I forgot to mention that it is a REALLY good sign that at pick-up your DS is happy and engaged in activity. :)

Good luck! :)

[mommy_someday]

Please say something! I worked in a daycare briefly during a summer in college and that kind of behavior is *so* normal out of a 2-year-old! She was absolutely out of line to negatively label your child to another child. Even if the other child didn't know the meaning of the word 'spoiled', he or she could certainly understand the connotation. That's unacceptable, IMO. If you speak to the offender or a supervisor, please update and let us know what happens! Good luck!

Edited to correct a spelling error - oops!

[hez]

I think the PP's covered what you might want to say to the DCP.

We went through this last fall with Payton. It literally took us 20+ minutes to drop him off in the morning some mornings. It probably lasted a good 2-3 weeks, if not longer (trying to erase the memory!).

We've always had a routine with him there-- remind him where we're going in the morning, take off his coat when we get there, talk to our sitter for a minute then give kisses and hugs and say goodbye. Sometime this fall (thinking the 25-26 month range) a switch turned and he would scream and cry and not want us to leave-- well, not want DH to leave-- he was in the DH-only phase then, too. It was pretty horrible to be honest.

Our sitter has gone through this with multiple children through the years, and it was so nice to have her support. What got us through was distraction-- getting him to go play with his favorite toy there, or pick up a book to read with her, or start breakfast with her, or go let the dog out the back door, or go wake her college-age daughter up off the couch ;) Once or twice we left while he was still crying, and he apparently cheered right up a couple minutes after we'd told him goodbye and left.

The phase passed! Those weeks were SO hard, but life is good right now on that front, and we're in and out and < 5 minutes in the mornings now (longer in the afternoon so we can get the lowdown on his day!).

Good luck!

[tina-t]

Thank you for all your comments and suggestions. Just wanted to add that this is a home daycare and she owns the place. There is no supervisor to talk to. I will talk to her tomorrow about her comment though.