Need Help - what do you do with a 3 year old that hits, pushes etc...

[KarenNYC]

I am honestly at the end of my rope here and do not know what to do. Any help is greatly apprecated. Ryan is mostly a good kid - very active and not always the best listener but since the end of my pregnancy and the birth of Avery - plus the fact that he is at the perfect age for oppositional behavior - he has started hitting, pushing and biting. First it was jsut DH and I and then he likes to push or hit his friends. Time outs are useless, putting him in his room for a time out does not work, taking away TV and computer privledges seem to do nothing and getting up and leaving if we are out with friends hasn't helped. i am very consistent with punishment and always follow thru but I've run out of ideas.

What the heck should I do. I am afraid to take him places where I now have to watch him like a hawk. I hate feeling like no one wants to be around Ryan (even tho I am sure it is just the way I feel).

Any advice would be greatly appreciated - what has and has not worked for you guys???

Karen

[kdeunc]

No advice really just some symapthy! My Ryan just turned 3 and he too is a pusher and hitter at times. Thank the Lord he seems to have outgrown the biting after a year of biting everyone in sight! We are just trying to be very consistent with the timeouts and hope that helps. My sister is a preschool teacher with a 4 year old who says that the terrible twos were nothing but the terrible threes almost killed her! Hopefully she is wrong! Good luck. Keep us posted if you find the solution!

[SewSarahSew]

My son went through a phase like this too, I feel your pain. Even though it doesn't seem like anything is working, you still need to be consistent about time outs or whatever punishment that you want to use, just do the same thing every time. It sounds like you don't have a punishment that is working right now, but I would still encourage you to choose one and use it every time.

When Daniel was in this phase, I tried to be right there at playgroup and other situations when he would hit. He needed to apologize right away and have a time out. Of course it wasn't sincere most of the time, but it would at least make the other parent feel better (knowing I was trying to do something about it), if not the child who was hit. I also tried to prevent the hitting by helping him negotiate or figure out what the problem was before it came to a head. Easier said then done, I know.

And we got a board book that I think was very helpful: "Hands Are Not For Hitting"

http://www.freespirit.com/catalog/item_detail.cfm?ITEM_ID=239

Good luck! I'm sure more people will chime in here with their experience.

[Karenn]

Three is so hard! DS hit a real rough patch a few months ago right after he turned 3. One thing that really helped was identifying his "triggers" and trying to catch him before he acted out. I watched him like a hawk for several weeks.

DS often acted out when he was angry or frustrated so another thing that really helped was teaching him appropriate ways to express those feelings. (Stomp you're feet when your mad. Say, "I'm very mad right now!" etc. ) That way he had something he *could* do when he was frustrated, angry, etc. instead of hit. When I could tell that he was about to lash out I would say, "You're really mad. What can you do to show how mad you are?"

The only way that time outs were helpful for us were that they gave *me* a chance to cool down and collect myself. ;) They really weren't helpful on their own. What really seemed to help was trying to get to the bottom of *why* DS was doing what he was doing and then trying to help him find a more appropriate way to get his needs met.

ETA: I still always remove DS from the situation when he hits someone, but that alone wasn't helping. It wasn't until I started looking at the reasons behind his behavior and giving him other ways to channel his emotions that we started making any progress.

I know how hard it is. Hang in there!

[Momof3Labs]

I know that not everyone likes Dr. Phil (I don't always like him, either) but I like his philosophy that you have to figure out what your child's "currency" is. What matters to him? Time-outs and removal of computer/tv privelages apparently don't. How about taking away favorite toys? Or other treats (dessert, etc.)? Or cancelling a trip to the library (or somewhere else special)? We recently had to "shop around" and find DS's currency, since it had changed. Time-outs didn't matter any more either, but taking away a favorite toy for a day sure did.

That said, I'm sure that he's reacting to a new sibling. Does he get plenty of time alone with you and with DH? And he may need a better way to vent his frustrations, as mentioned by some other posters.

Good luck; I'm sure that we'll have similar questions in a couple of months!!

[C99]

I didn't see this post before I posted my very long post about an almost 3-y/o acting out. Anyway, while some of this could be because he's 3, I would guess that a lot of it is due to the intro of the new sibling. When Rose was born, Nate was sweet to her, but horrible with us and then horrible with his playgroup friends for awhile. In the past year, 4 out of the 6 women in my playgroup have had 2nd children and they ALL went through it. It is at its worst at about 6 weeks post-partum and seems to resolve within 3 months. Hang in there!

[alleyoop]

I hear you on the "terrible threes" thing! Twos were so easy!

DS has been doing a lot of hitting/pushing/grabbing, especially towards his sister, for a couple months now with no real end in sight. I am hoping that it is a phase and that he will grow out of it soon. He acts up quite a bit more when DD wants something of his or he is feeling jealous. His Dad and I have upped the individual time and separated bath time to try to curb the worst-offending incidents.

Another mom gave me some good advice when this first started (and it was truly out of control). She said that a behavioral therapist once told her that some boys have a HUGE need for logic around correction. She said that I should try the three-part warning for behaviors that I see coming: identification, reason and consequence. I.E. Nate, please don't hit your sister because it hurts her and you will have to play by yourself in your room. Nate, please be careful not to grab toys from others because it is not good manners and we will leave the park immediately. Nate, we don't bite because it is unacceptable behavior that hurts others and you will get a time-out. You get it. You get pretty good at whipping these 3-part warnings out of your butt quickly!

The 3p warnings have been very successful for us. We shared it with his pre-school teacher and it has been successful for her, too. I sometimes get lax and start the yelling again, but when I remember (and can catch him pre-behavior) it is very affective. Might be something to try.

Hang in there Mama...you can always repeat my mantra "this too shall pass, this too shall pass" ;)