What is a day-in-the-life of a stay-at-home parent? Mom or Dad?

[holliam]

I'm sure this sounds like a weird question, but SAHD DH told me about a thread on his local board tonight, and it got us both thinking.

Someone posted a vent about what does it feel like you do ALL day long. The answers were universally centered around household chores, cleaning, etc.

It made us realize one of two things:
- We must live in filth
- DH spends a lot of time with Mari

Granted, our house is not up to most people's standards I'm sure. But, we pick up nightly. Do the dishes. Wipe counters. Vacuum busy rooms. Do laundry. Put clothes away. I think that's the basics, right?

We did end up hiring a cleaning service 2x a month, justifying it by DH getting rid of cable 9 months ago, and some other changes. I honestly felt it was too much to ask DH to do the housecleaning and take care of Mari, and frankly, I didn't want to spend the free time I had with them both cleaning.

Otherwise, his time is spent entirely with Mari every day. He is always reading, dancing, singing, playing, drawing, talking, walking, shopping, whatever with her. I think he does enough chores throughout the day (we divide things but when he has free time or if I'm swamped, he will do laundry with her, etc.) that she has an idea that Daddy does more than just play with her.

But, honestly, I want her to be his priority. I want him to say "screw the dishes" if she hands him another book to read (she is bordering on OCD with book reading lately!).

I'd love to hear how other SAHP do it. I'm wondering if it's different for SAHDs vs. SAHMs. Do working dads have different expectations than working moms?

Holli

[ellies mom]

Well, I'm sure this will come across as very sexist but I've noticed that the wives of SAHDs are more likely to say "I want DH to be spending his time with the child instead of doing housework." Husbands of SAHM's are more likely to say "Well, why can't you do the housework, you don't have anything else to do all day.". Yes, I know there are husbands out there that do a fair share of housework and want the wife to focus on the kids rather than the house, but a lot of them don't.

So what does my day look like? Ideally, I get the house straightened up first thing (unload dishwasher from night before and sweep floors) so we can go to our play park or just whatever for the day. I like to do the bigger chores on non-play park days so I have more morning time to get them done, then we can go and do whatever.

[AngelaS]

I do 90% of the housework AND care for the kids. I am far more likely to put off scrubbing the floor yet another day to sit on the floor and wrestle or read books. I keep the house presentable 'cause that's who I am and if dh were home instead of me, I would have the same expectations.

What really gets sacrificed on the time chart would be MY hobbies. Between the girls, the house and homeschooling the time for me to scrapbook or sew is what gets cut out of the equation first. That's okay, this is a short season of life. :)

[muskiesusan]

I am responsible for most, if not all, the household chores (he will do anything I ask, but doesn't assume anything). DH travels for work and puts long hours when he is home, so if he is home, he is spending much needed time with the kids. I am okay with this as it also gives me time to get stuff done.

During the day, my goal is to keep things tidy. I unload the dishwasher every morning and load dishes as they are used. I also keep the toys pretty well picked up. Not everyday, but I tend to dust, sweep up dog hair, and do laundry as well. These are all things the kids help me with doing and honestly I think it is important for them to see/help with. Big cleaning such as vacuuming (kids are scared of noise), bathrooms (got too much help one time), and folding laundry (an uphill battle with kids' help) need to wait until DH is around.

I wouldn't say our house is clean on any given day, but it tends to be picked-up. And I dare DH to every say anything to me as he seems to be incapable of doing anything else when he is watching the kids!

Susan
Mom to Nick 10/01
& Alex 04/04

[DebbieJ]

I think Liam is an exception. He sounds like an awesome dad.

I think most SAHPs out there do get caught up in getting things done as opposed to just being with their child.

For me, it's easier to just do something myself (i.e. laundry or dishes) instead of incorporating ds into doing it with me. Honestly, I don't even think about allowing or encouraging him to help. That's where a shift in my thinking needs to occur.

~ deb
DS born at home 12/03
2 year check up: 25 lbs with clothes on and 35 inches!
BFARed for 20 months and 6 days
(Breastfeeding After Reduction is possible! www.bfar.org)

http://www.bfar.org/members/fora/style_avatars/Ribbons/18months-bfar.jpg

[lizamann]

I don't expect to do chores all day long, and dh doesn't expect it, either. On rare occasions, like once a month, he'll ask me to do an out-of-the-house errand for him, but usually he's pretty self-sufficient in that regard. We just hired a housekeeper for the regular cleaning stuff; before that, we just lived with the dirt and frankly, it didn't bother either of us too much, though I have to say that I'm really enjoying having a clean house now.

I do manage to keep up with the other things you mentioned: laundry, dishes, counters, pick-up, regular crumb-sweeping. DH will clean up the kitchen if I've cooked - love that! He did get a little annoyed when I used to wait to do the laundry until he was around because it was 16 floors and a long hallway away and so much easier if I didn't have to take dd. He did get irritated a couple times and ask how come I can't manage to do that when "everyone else does." But now that we have laundry in our unit, I feel like laundry is so easy it almost does itself.

My brother is a SAHD, and I think he does a lot of errands out of the house. And I think he cooks a lot. I have no idea how their house gets clean, but it's always really clean when I'm there (only 2x/year.)

[tarahsolazy]

My DH is a SAHD, and they do a variety of stuff during the day. My DH does clean and does almost all the cooking, and usually has dinner started before I get home. He cooks alot with Forrest around, the boy just stands at the counter and watches or "helps" or plays in the family room off the kitchen. They also drive around the countryside geocaching or pursuing errands for my DH's hobbies (woodworking, leatherwork, sculpture).

Our house is usually strewn with toys, and we're a little messy. It wouldn't be any different than if I were at home and he worked. Neither of us have expectations of spotlessness or great decor or anything, though, that's not us.

I do think its OK for parents to continue their lives with their children present, though. Like the Continuum Concept sort of stuff. Kids learn not just from direct play and teaching, but by watching adults and participating in adult lives. That includes chores. Not that one parent should dictate the other's daily activities, but you're not a bad parent if you want to do a non-child-centered activity when you are a SAHP.

[lmintzer]

Honestly? I don't do much housework when home. It just doesn't happen. The kids always seem to need to eat, want to play, are needing mediation, lol. I manage to do the dishes, wipe off the counters, pick up toys (sometimes--often only once/day and then at night), and do the laundry. Jack will help me fold laundry, too, which is cute. I barely cook. I use naptime to shower or as a break to read the boards, write e-mails, make phone calls, or do things like upload pictures to Shutterfly. I sometimes will unload the dishwasher during nap or take out the garbage. Usually, I haven't eaten, so I eat. The time goes fast.

I really feel I have very little free time for myself, and I also have no extra time for cooking or cleaning. We have cleaning help once/week. DH does a lot of the grocery shopping, mostly on line.

I have a babysitter 2 times/week for a few hours. This is a combination of "me-time" and errand time (drycleaner, drug store, clothes for the boys or me, gifts, post-office, a quick grocery run, a doctor's appointment for 1 boy that I don't want to drag the other to).

I don't really think I'm a lazy person, but I'm not super high energy either. I don't like dragging the boys on multiple errands. We can do one or two quick things, but after that, I'd rather be having fun with them out or home. To me, the tradeoff of using my babysitting time to get things done is worth it. They are active, on the demanding/high needs side. So errands or a lot of housework with them around do not happenl.

[papal]

>Do working dads have different expectations than working moms?

I don't think it is working dads who have different expectations.. it is the stay-at-home-moms who do. Maybe it is sexist to say, but I think women are more likely to get caught up in straightening and cleaning and doing chores. It is easier for men to get caught up in playing with their children. I know on days that my dh is home all day with Leela, they seem to have a more fun time than when she is at home with me. He does not see the pile of laundry (or he sees it but it does not click that it needs to go in the washer.. or he is unsure of what my wash-routine is.. LOL.. I am anal about laundry so don't blame him). He does not see the Christmas tree and decorations need to be put away, the closet needs to be reorganized etc. I think, in general a SAHM _sees_ that more than a SAHD. At least that is true in our case!
But if dh was a SAHD, I don't think I could adopt the 'screw the dishes' philosophy. Sorry buddy, you have to do your share around the house. And no, I don't believe that being a SAHM means just being a mom, it also means taking care of the house to some degree!!
And also, I don't like to encourage dh or anyone else to play WITH Leela all day... no way. I would much rather she play independently or even parallel-y with someone. If she asks for someone to play with her, we do...but not for hours and hours. When my mom or sister are here, they do that.. but I certainly don't want Leela to expect that from us.

[holliam]

Interesting comments!

Honestly, DH is much more bothered by things like dishes stacking, etc. than I am. We are much more stereotypically like the opposite gender I think.

Also, he honestly does a lot of stuff FOR the house with her. But, it's not all about cleaning. He does all the cooking (we eat all meals together), and she helps at her Learning Tower. He does all the grocery shopping, BJs, Target, household shopping, etc. He does any errands we need done.

So, it's not that he is just sitting around playing with her. It's just that he is involving her in the household activities, which are not necessarily about cleaning, which seemed to dominate this other discussion he was telling me about. I don't think I was clear about that!

I also will admit that we have the easiest, laid-back girlie. She is fabulous about independent play, but we all just really enjoy each other too.

Thanks for sharing your stories!
Holli

[lizamann]

I just had to comment on your dh having hobbies! Is that because you take over when you get home, freeing him up for hobbies? It's hard to imagine him woodworking and doing leatherwork with a little around, or does he manage that somehow?

I think this is a very real difference between SAHM's and SAHD's - at least in our case, DH is very rarely willing to occupy dd evenings and weekends so I can pursue my interests. But he cleans the kitchen, so that's a big plus LOL. I try to do things with dd around (a la continuum concept) - baking is easy, but something like sewing or scrapbooking is tricky with her underfoot!

[daniele_ut]

>>Do working dads have different expectations than working
>moms?
>
>I don't think it is working dads who have different
>expectations.. it is the stay-at-home-moms who do. Maybe it is
>sexist to say, but I think women are more likely to get
>caught up in straightening and cleaning and doing chores. It
>is easier for men to get caught up in playing with their
>children. I know on days that my dh is home all day with
>Leela, they seem to have a more fun time than when she is at
>home with me. He does not see the pile of laundry (or he sees
>it but it does not click that it needs to go in the washer..
>or he is unsure of what my wash-routine is.. LOL.. I am anal
>about laundry so don't blame him). He does not see the
>Christmas tree and decorations need to be put away, the closet
>needs to be reorganized etc. I think, in general a SAHM _sees_
>that more than a SAHD. At least that is true in our case!
>But if dh was a SAHD, I don't think I could adopt the 'screw
>the dishes' philosophy. Sorry buddy, you have to do your share
>around the house. And no, I don't believe that being a SAHM
>means just being a mom, it also means taking care of the house
>to some degree!!
>And also, I don't like to encourage dh or anyone else to play
>WITH Leela all day... no way. I would much rather she play
>independently or even parallel-y with someone. If she asks for
>someone to play with her, we do...but not for hours and hours.
>When my mom or sister are here, they do that.. but I certainly
>don't want Leela to expect that from us.
>
>
>
>
Once again, I find that I totally agree with Rashmi on this one! DH is a part time SAHD (summers and school vacations) and this has been our experience for the most part!

[wagner36]

My DH is a SAHD, an he mainly just plays and hangs out with DS. He works out when Charlie is in preschool at the Y (2 morning a week), and they do run some errands - Trader Joe's, paint store, drycleaners. The only errand he does for me is the drycleaners, because I have a hard time getting there by the time they close. We're doing a fair amount of work on our 100-year old house right now, so he has been busier w/ contractors and errands related to that. He often drives me to work, which is really nice too - but definitely going to end when we have baby #2. He ran many more errands around the holidays, but that should settle down now.

They go a lot of places - the aquarium, two zoos, children's museum, field museum, art institute, etc. We have memberships to all of those places, so they will go for a couple of hours a few days a week. They also spend a lot of time outside - the park, forest preserves, dog beach, etc.

He also manages to do an awful lot of stuff on the computer - downloading music, etc., so I'm pretty sure that he just uses his free time when Charlie is napping or playing independently to do stuff for himself.

He most definitely cleans up after himself and Charlie (and me too, LOL), but he doesn't really do any hardcore cleaning - we have a cleaning lady for that.

I think baby #2 is going to be really hard for them - DH is so used to being able to pick and go with DS without much planning. I think we're going to try and find someone to come in a few days a week. I'll be home for 16 weeks, but will have to go back to work after that.

[Moneypenny]

DH is the SAHP in our family. Because I know I wouldn't want to have to do all the childcare and househould care, I don't expect him to do it all either. They spend their day basically playing and eating. During her naptime he will swiffer the floors and do some cleaning, but I don't expect him to get it done while she's awake. This may change when she's not 17 months old and needing to be watched every minute, but for now, this is how it works. I love every bit of household "stuff" he does, but I don't expect him to do it. Evenings we tag team cook (DD goes to bed at 6:30 so we just cook/eat/cleanup after she's in bed). DH does the dishes while I lay on the couch. On weekends we tag team watching her/running errands/getting other stuff done. It works really well for us, and I wouldn't change it!

ETA: After reading the other responses (I know, I know - I should do that FIRST), I just have to add the DH doesn't entertain DD all day. They will often both be sitting reading their own books and I characterized that as "playing". DD is very independt, and once she's out of this "I must constantly move and touch things and stick them into my mouth or the toilet or the dog's food bowl" phase, I'm sure DH will be able to scrub the floors or whatever while she is awake. She just needs a lot of monitoring right now. ;)
Susan
mama to my cutie pie, Avery
http://www.gynosaur.com/assets/ribbons/ribbon_gold_12m.gif[/img][/url]
16 months and counting!

[mom2aidan]

I'm a SAHM and here's how our day looks like: my DS wakes up at 8:30 or 9am, breakfast until 9:30 , he plays while I clean up the kitchen and we spend about an hour playing together and then we ran out the house to do errands(groceries, dry cleaning, post office), come home for lunch, clean up the kitchen right after we eat(he plays while I do this), then he takes a nap in the afternoon for 2 to 3 hours and this is my most productive time. I use one hour of his nap time to do chores, one hour for myself(like being online right now, taking a nice relaxing long shower) and some time to cook dinner as well. So when my DS wakes up he has my full attention until he goes to bed at 8pm. We read books, color, dance and sing together etc.
During the warmer months, we go to the playground every day(morning or after his nap). We also go for long walks in our neighborhood and my DS absolutely loves it!
My DH works long hours and I really can't expect him to clean up when he gets home at 9pm or 11pm. However he does all the outside work(landscaping, taking the garbage/recycling etc). During the days he's home at a decent time, I'd rather have him spend time with my DS since they hardly get to spend time together.
Honestly, I think I'm pretty lucky in a way bec my DS sleeps very well so his nap and early bed time has been a lifesaver for us.
I also have the luxury of having my father in law come twice a week for a couple of hours and he watches my DS so I can go to the gym. And we also have a babysitter one day a week watch him and that's my "me" day and time do all the other errands/chores that I have for the week. Our weekends are our family day where my DH, DS and I get to do fun stuff together or just relax together. That's why I'd rather get all the household cleaning out of the way before the weekend comes.
It's been really manageable for us to balance everything together but then again, who knows what will happen when we have a 2nd one.