Married name?

[stefani]

I have been asked about what is my married name by people who already know my name. I am a little confused, so I thought I'll ask here for clarification :-)

OK, so I am married, and I did and do not change my last name to my husband's last name. So I don't consider any other name(s) besides my own name(s) as my name, KWIM?

What is the definition of married name then?

TIA.

[hez]

Are people assuming you legally took your husband's last name as yours (even if you still go by your maiden name)?

Maiden name is the one you were born with. Married is the one to which you changed (if you changed it). That's my simplistic view, anyway.

I changed my name legally to my husband's when we got married, and changed it in my professional life as well since I only had a year under my belt. I have a coworker who changed hers legally to her husband's, but professionally continues to go by her maiden name since she had 20+ years of career built with that name before she got married. With all the options open to us now outside the old traditional norms, it can get a little confusing :)

[MarisaSF]

I think it's just the traditional (old-fashioned? non-pc?) way of asking "Name Now"?

When I get alum forms from my college there are usually two spaces:

Name in College: ----
Current Name: ----

For you (and me) it would be the same.

[annasmom]

I wonder, who are these people asking you? I ask because I have several female friends from graduate school and work that have not changed their names, but do use their husband's name for family-related things.

For example, my friend Ellen Smith would call her dd's school or pediatrician and say she was Ellen Jones (her dd's last name), or she would sign holiday cards, "The Jones Family." I have some friends who even have credit cards, mortgages, cars, etc. in their "married name," which is not their legal name.


By the way, I love your son's name, I have a Kieran.

[lizajane]

that would annoy me. i would be snippy and say, "i'm sorry. i thought i had already introduced myself. i am name name, please to meet you."

i choose to change my name, but you certainly don't have to!

[tarahsolazy]

Are they passive-aggressive people?
There are some people in my life that address everything to my first name with my DH's last, which I never use in any capacity! I think its their way of showing displeasure at my not changing.
I just say that I did not change my name, so its tarah myname. If it was a nice person who just didn't get it, I'd explain that my huband's name is DH lastname, and my son's name is Forrest lastname.

[wagner36]

We have relatives like this - it drives me CRAZY. My grandma tells everyone (including every single individual at my brother's wedding) that I had to keep my last name because I'm in business - like she had to explain the differences on the program. Ummm, hello? First, I'm an attorney. Second, I started this job AFTER getting married. Third, how offensive can you be? My brother's new wife has a corporate job, and she changed her name. Her job isn't good enough?

She sent me $250 for x-mas - with the check made out to Tara DH's-Last-Name and I sent it back to her telling her that the bank wouldn't let me cash personal checks made out to a fictional individual. She's not my favorite, obviously.

[eb1]

When asked, I say I kept my "birth name." I think of "maiden name" as something one refers to after having changed her last name, but that's probably just my own association.

My guess is that people are presuming that you did legally take your husband's last name, and that you are using your birth/maiden name only for social or professional purposes (as some women do).

[StantonHyde]

People ask me "what was your maiden name"? and I reply with my last name and they say, oh you didn't change it. I have never been asked for my married name--people assume that my name is my "married name" and then I will say my husband works at so and so and they have to ask "who is he?" so I give them his name. My name is my married name. I have never changed it to my husband's name and thus never sign it as such. I was 35 when I got married--too old to do all the paper work!

My family would drive me nuts--always addresses me as my name his last name. And my grandmother sent a check to my husband and not me for Christmas!! I have just given up and have decided to accept that they come from a different generation. I thought my mom was going to keel over when she had to address one of my wedding invitations to friends of mine as follows: Dr. Mary Smith and Mr. John Doe. :-)

Besides my MIL takes the cake. She addressed one letter as Dr. "Steve Smith" and Rebecca. It's like "The Honorable Son and the dog". My DH reemed her out for that one. She just says I don't know how to address letters to the 2 of you--he said just write my name and her name. She also has this assinine need to address her son as Doctor. Yeesh. I am the only person in my family (mom, dad, brother) who does not have an MD or PhD and I can assure you, I have NEVER addressed a card to them with Dr--nor would they want me too. I mean we are talking about her writing a letter to her son, not her cardiologist.

So just keep smiling pleasantly and go forward!

[jesseandgrace]

LOL! We missed an international flight once because FIL just didn't seem to get that I didn't change my name. He bought us all tickets for a vacation, and with everything going on at the time with work and a small baby I just skimmed the itinerary, but did not go through the tickets. When we got to the airport my ticket had my dhs last name, so they wouldn't let me on.

[stefani]

The ones that I remember distinctly were that they are people I just met. I have a long and unusual last name, so that attracted conversation. So we would be discussing my name, and then I get asked: what is your married name? My thought usually goes like this: Didn't we just talk about my name? I am confused...

I am not sure what they assume...

[stefani]

Ah, yes, I get those forms, too. I guess I can understand why the forms ask for both, but with people asking me verbally I think my confusion comes from the fact that the question comes after the discussion about my last name.

[stefani]

The times that I remember distinctly were new people I met.

I see, so some people use two last names interchangeably.

I am only using the one name, which is my maiden name, and legal name, and not using any others. After all, it is hard enough to keep up with this one, LOL!

Chinese, Indonesians, and Arabs, do not change names for marriage. Those are the ones I know of anyway.

[stefani]

LOL! I guess I usually have a confused look on my face, and say: Hm... I am married, and that is not my husband's last name.

It has been great to read about different people's responses to my question. It helps clarify to me what married name means and I think I will be more prepared the next time someone asks me that question.

I think my answer will be: I only use that last name. If I am so inclined to explain then I will add: Yes, I am married and that is my maiden name.

[mommy_someday]

How *do* you prefer to be addressed? My SIL is hyphenated and has two DC. I want so much to respect her decision to do this, but I don't know exactly how to address cards to them as a family. Honestly! And to make matters even more complicated, my niece and nephew have both last names, but they aren't hyphenated, so I'm not sure if they have two last names or two middle names, iykwim. So how would you like it written if this were you? Do I write "John Anderson, Jane Benson-Anderson, Jack and Jennifer Benson Anderson"? I'm so confused about this! And it's not like I can call them the Benson-Anderson Family or the Benson Anderson Family since the DH only shares one of the names. I seriously agonize over this every time I have to mail them something, to the point that I generally hand-deliver it! (they only live ten minutes away, thankfully)

I really don't mean any offense or disrespect by this question. I just don't want to do it wrong and offend her, kwim? Thanks!

(btw, those are not even close to their real names, if anyone wondered!)

[stefani]

Ugh, I think relatives are especially hard. This is your own grandma (not DH's grandma)?

DH's grandma was asked by her brother about why I did not change my name, and she (grandma) said that I am engineer... O well... I let that slide.

[stefani]

That is a good point. Maybe I'll use "birth name" then, although in my case it was not really a birth name.

OK, I can see what they might be presuming then. Thanks.

[stefani]

Wow, I am glad to see all the responses to this posting :-)

I was of ASA (Advanced Spousal Age) as well as AMA (Advanced Maternal Age), too - married at the age of 36 and gave birth at 38 :-)

See my reply to my previous posts about family :-) Of course with Christmas, we get a few cards addressed to Mr. & Mrs. DH's first name DH's last name, orMe and DH's first name DH's last name. Well, our Christmas letter and return address has "The DH's last name my last name family".

I love my MIL, and she has always address me with my own name, but the other day there were some discussions about initials, and she said something about not knowing what to put for me. I did not respond, but I was thinking why? Just take the first letter of first name, middle name, and last name, after all that's how it is for hers, FIL's, and her sons's initials, and mine is no different. I wonder if she is still waiting for me to change my last name.

[stefani]

Hi Erica,

For us, it is the DH's last name my last name family. So like for the names you used as an example, I would say the Benson Anderson family. The best thing though, is probably to ask your SIL & her husband themselves. I would love to be asked rather than just assumed a certain way but that is not what I prefer.

To me, the X Y family doesn't mean that everyone in the family has to have both X & Y names.

[aliceinwonderland]

"She sent me $250 for x-mas - with the check made out to Tara DH's-Last-Name and I sent it back to her telling her that the bank wouldn't let me cash personal checks made out to a fictional individual. She's not my favorite, obviously."

absolutely love it!! I threatened to do this with my DH's family, unless he sat down (perhaps some visual aids would be handy??) and explained to them what my name is, and, MOST IMPORTANTLY, that our son is Erik Mylastname Hislastname!!

I contributed the same number of chromosomes, so i think I get equal naming rights for the offspring!! I'm already the ungrateful bitch, might as well keep up with the reputation (too much work otherwise, you know??) :)

[stefani]

I had wanted to somehow include my last name in DS's name, but mine is so very long so I opted not to do it.

Since you & your DH did, how did you use it? I mean like in filling out forms, is your lastname is Erik's middle name or do you put YourLastName DHLastName as Erik's lastname? I am curious.

Thanks.

[mommy_someday]

Thanks for your feedback! I will think about asking SIL about it. I'm a little wary as it's a hot-button topic for her, but it might be worth the risk to save me all those deliveries, LOL!

[JElaineB]

If I'm feeling smarmy, I have been known to reply when someone asks me for my maiden name to just respond Jennifer MyLastName (i.e., it is the same for me married as it was before I got married). I had one friend who couldn't handle it for a while and didn't know how to address cards etc. to us as a couple. She finally figured it out and just writes "The DHLastName-MyLastName Family". My DS Jacob has DH's last name. We are visiting my parents this week though and yesterday he announced "I'm Jacob Bxxxxxx" (Bxxxxxx being MyLastName), knowing full well that isn't really his last name. My parents thought that was kind of cute though!

Jennifer
mom to Jacob 9/27/02

[StantonHyde]

For my brother and his wife I put: John Doe on line, Jane Smith on the next line, and then Claire and Ellie on the third, then street address. When I put our return address on xmas cards I put Baker/Doe and then address etc. I used to be better about that but then I started doing all of the work for holiday cards so I now I put the return address as My Last and leave DH off-I am sure that gives some people pause. But I am used to just signing my last and if he cared about it, he would address cards--but he couldn't care less. The only thing that bothers him is when the doctor's office or school would mix up and put child's name my last name. He wanted it made clear that their last name was his. Our daycare serves lots of professional people and many of them have different last names (it's that advanced marriage age thing:-)) so it's no big deal there.

[aliceinwonderland]

No, DS has an actual middle name, so yes, the little guy has FOUR names (maddness, I know). My last name is short, 4 letters, DH's is long, and when they ask, I just give the whole spiel and the way it's spelled, patiently. Every time. It is not hyphenated (don't know how to spell that) either. It's how it's in his passport, everything. Eventually I'll get the same lastname proffesionally, so DS and I will have the same last name :)

We do get some questions, but not very many. You'll be surprised how common this is now...In my class tere's a couple of people with 2 last names, and I assumed (wrongly) that they were married, but in fact they had both their parents last name. :)

[annasmom]

If you use only one name, that is just odd (and kind of nosey!).

By they way, I am Irish, my DH is Indian, so the name Kieran is perfect for us! I remember a Kieransmom too, I haven't seen her around lately either.

[stefani]

Thanks for your explanation. I know of a couple children who has 4 names, but 1 last name. In fact my sister actually has 5 names, although still 1 last name, LOL!

There is another friend whose son has 4 names, and it is 2 last names, but I am not sure about how she uses it (2 last names or 2 middle names).

Interesting!

[stefani]

O, sorry, I meant that I only use 1 last name :-) But yes, there are many Indonesians who really have just 1 name.

Wow, yes, Kieran is definitely a great name for your little one given your & your DH's origins.

[goodnightmoon]

I could have typed your replies, Aliceinwonderland! I did not change my name when I married and my daughter has both of our last names. We did not hyphenate them, or use one as a middle. She has a first name, middle name and two last names.

We've not had any problems at all with legal forms either. :)

Laura
mommy to Eva Marie 2/16/05

[Piglet]

My DH is in the 2 last name camp and I will say that it got sticky when we got married. I was fine taking on his last name, but not both of them!? If I was going to do that, I would just as easily take my mom's maiden name as well as my own and his two and have 4 lastames, LOL. We ran into a LOT of trouble when we had to get passports for all of us last year, though. When we got married, DH took his mom's lastname as his middle name (#2), but never changed his name officially. As a result, our kids technically have MY lastname (even though it is my married name). We discovered that if DH were travelling without me with the kids and had a different lastname than the kids, he would need a note from me saying that he was allowed to take them abroad... UGGGHHHHHH! Long story short, I basically used my 8 month pregnant self as an excuse to get nice treatment at the passport office and they accepted our application with DH having his first lastname as a middle name, thereby making all of our lastnames the same.

[stefani]

Hi Marina,

That is interesting about travelling with children with different last name. Who told you that and did your DH run into problem?

My last name is not the same as my son's, and I have not had any trouble so far travelling with him without DH (domestic and abroad).

Thanks.

[stefani]

Hm, I think if it is a hot-button topic for your SIL then it is even more important that you ask, IMHO. Just make sure you do it as she wishes though, :-) I like being asked, but then after I answer, if the other person doesn't follow through then I am more annoyed, LOL!

[stefani]

Ugh, sorry to hear about that. I hope you all did end up going?

I guess I should be thankful that my MIL checked with me again when we traveled recently (she is a travel consultant, so she does all of our tickets).

[aliceinwonderland]

Yes, I agree that if Erik marries someone with two last names it can get tricky...I realise you cannot just keep addig last name ad infinitum :) So I am fully prepared (DH is too) that ds may drop one as an adult...
I am eventually adding my DH's name to mine, precisely for the travel issue...

[annasmom]

No, no, I misspoke! I meant to say if you use only one last name it is odd and nosey for people to question you! Sorry!

[stefani]

He.. he... that's OK, I get it now :-)

[Piglet]

Yeah, it gets tough when you start dealing with double last names marrying double last names!

I have a friend whose DH had trouble when he went abroad with the kids. The immigration people were worried about child abductions. I have a feeling it is more of an issue for dads than for moms (dumb, I know).

[bensmom]

I haven't had any problems (haven't travelled internationally though), but I keep an official copy of my marriage license in my wallet and a copy of DS's birth certificate in the diaper bag since DS has DH's last name and mine is different. I figure that covers me for medical issues too (since the insurance is in DH's name).