Honoring dc's requests....how much of the time do you do it? (long, of course!)

[Judegirl]

Before becoming a mom, I thought it was very important to not give in to children all the time, even from a very young age. I still think that. But dh and I have come to the conclusion that I honor about 80-90% of Riordan's requests. Unless it's unsafe or unreasonable (she wants to play with scissors or wants me to get out of my seat so she can sit there) I generally give in.

This means that I have pretty much turned into a performing seal for my daughter, who runs around saying "Sing Bingo? Peekaboo Mommy? Hokey Pokey now?" and I normally stop what I'm doing to do whatever it is she's asking. I say no only if it's important to me that whatever it is does not happen at that moment.

This is not because I feel guilty. It's not because I haven't the heart to say no to her (well, usually, anyway.) If I really don't want to sing Bingo, I say "No, Mommy doesn't feel like singing Bingo right now." It's just that...well, I'm still in the stage where usually I feel like singing Bingo. Or hokey pokey. (It's all much more fun than the dishes or my email or whatever else I'm doing.) Also, once I do say no, I don't (yet!) back out of it, so I'm pretty stingy with my refusals.

Dh, we think, fulfills about 50% of her requests. (The dishes are much more important to him than to me, LOL!) We wonder whether I should be saying no more often just on principle. She handles it fine when I say no, but she really does ask me a lot - and more often than she asks dh - to play whatever it is she wants to play. We wonder whether this will lead to trouble accepting limits later. Should I be declining her (polite enough, for her age) requests to engage with her?

She plays well independently and finds something else to do most of the time when I say no (though she does make repeated requests sometimes, but I don't give in once I've said no, so she doesn't do it often.)

What do you guys think? How often do you accommodate your childrens' requests? Is it different from your partners' frequency? Is this a bad road?

As always, thanks for thinking about it with me...

Jude

[Saartje]

Relax and trust your instincts, Jude. What does your gut tell you about this? :)

FWIW, I honor Ishie's requests the vast majority of the time. If it's not dangerous to him or someone else, isn't likely to break something, and it doesn't interfere with something that needs to be done (for instance, when he wants to stay up and play but it's bed time, he's not going to get his way), he can do it. I've never seen much point in setting arbitrary limits on him, and he seems to be turning out okay.

[C99]

At 20 months? No. I don't think saying "yes" to singing Bingo at Rory's request means that she won't learn how to accept limits when she's older. Frankly, I think saying no just to be arbitrary is, well, arbitrary and unncessary. It's OK (IMO) if you and your husband have different ways of responding to her requests -- you are different people and it's OK if Rory favors you for playing Peek-a-boo and your husband for something else. That may very well change over time.

Also, FWIW, I don't think engaging your daughter (or saying no to her requests) now will have much of an effect on the limits-testing stage that all kids seem to go through (in spades!), if that is what you were thinking in posing the question.

I accomodate most of Nate's requests if they are possible (unlike asking me to make the sun come back out at 5 p.m. in January), reasonable, safe, and now that he is older, polite (use of "please" and not using a demanding tone). I will say that since Rose has come along, I've said no to his requests more often or had to delay the requested action quite a bit (invariably, he chooses the moment I've sat down on the couch and latched Rose on to ask me for a cup of milk or something else that requires getting up). I also do not allow his requests to distract from an order that I think makes sense (for example, asking for a snack while I am making dinner). Nate has learned that there are variations in parenting styles between Mama and Daddy and that is fine. Daddy doesn't say yes to a request to paint; Mama doesn't like to set up the Matchbox race track.

[psophia17]

I think we probably do mostly what DS wants to do, when it makes sense to do it. He wants to watch Mighty Machines over and over again, and he gets to once. He wants to open and close all the cupboard doors over and over again, and he gets to open and close one cupboard door (with plastics) as often as he wants, but not the rest. It's all a matter of judging if the request is reasonable, and deciding if it's worth a lesson. Requests for cookies and candy, which thanks to the ILs come fast and furious, usually get a "no" from me, and a "one" from DH. But both of us say "yes" when DS wants to sing or dance or be silly, or if he wants to read or whatever...so long as it isn't unreasonable.

But to make a long story short - we probably do what DS wants 50% of the time, give or take. So far he hasn't been too unreasonable, knock on wood :)

ETA: Jude, did you get my email from the other day?

[brittone2]

I've been thinking about this a lot lately a well!!!

We honor about 90% of Logan's requests (provided they aren't unsafe or unreasonable as you said). I think my parents think we are nuts LOL. But as you said, the key to me is that as long as we don't mind, we don't mind, kwim? If you were honoring those requests all of the time but seething inside, it would be different.

As some PPs said, I think abitrarily saying "no" just to say no isn't going to accomplish much. There will be many instances in Rory's life where she'll learn that she can't always have what she wants, but those opportunities are bound to present themselves naturally without having to be orchestrated by arbitrary "nos."

Or at least this is what I tell myself when dealing with DS ;)

I've been pondering this quite a bit lately. Thanks for posting this.

edited to fix a typo

[ribbit1019]

I would say honestly that we honor about 75% of DD's requests. Often she wants to be picked up when we are doing something else, or says Up! while we are in a moving vehicle. If it comes to food, I will give it to her if it is at least semi-healthy. She gets enough junk at MIL's. (Point proven by her saying "Cookie?" everytime she's been taken out of the car to go to MIL's this week.)

I don't think it is necessary for me to tell her "No" right now, however there are times that I truly have to. For instance, asking to be picked up while I am using the restroom is not likely to be honored. :)

Christy
Maddy born 6/09/04
http://lilypie.com/baby2/040609/3/4/0/-5/.png

Little Man due 3/02/06
http://bd.lilypie.com/cKLom4/.png
Co-Owner Ribbit Baby

"I did then what I knew how to do. When you know better, you do better." ~ Maya Angelou

[tarahsolazy]

I've been thinking about similar issues a lot recently. I have started to think about family life in a different way than I had, regarding everyone's wishes for activities, etc. So, why should my desire to organize the diapers or fold clothes trump Fory's desire to play with me? Some would say that I'm the grown-up, so I win, whenever I want to. That seems unfair to me, since I'd hate it if every moment of my life was subject to someone else's whim. But, on the other hand, I also don't subscribe completely to non-coercive parenting, non-coercive parents say that their child NEVER has to do anything they don't want to, and that they get to do everything they want to, unless dangerous. I figure our relationship is a give and take. Sometimes, I really need to fold those clothes, or don't have the energy left for a wrestling match. But, other times, we do play. So I try to make it fair, and think "why am I saying no? Is this important?", when conflicts come up. I think my DH and I are pretty much on the same page with these things.

[wagner36]

>Daddy doesn't say yes
>to a request to paint; Mama doesn't like to set up the
>Matchbox race track.

HeeHee. Charlie told me last night that Mama plays with the kid's house (his Ryan's Room house he got for x-mas that he loves) and that Daddy plays with the polar bears who eat orca whales. When I play polar bears, they kiss the orca whales and everyone dances together.

I agree with Caroline. As long as Charlie asks for things nicely and they aren't safety hazards, I usually give/perform for him. I am trying to teach him the concept of waiting 1 or 2 minutes, but that's because when I AM doing something (like switching laundry or peeing), he has started to use the word "NOW" in a tone I don't care for too much. Ahhhh, toddlerhood.

[JacksMommy]

I don't think that the percentage of requests that get fulfilled really matters in terms of limit-setting. This is where the phrase "pick your battles" comes into play - it makes sense to me to agree to reasonable requests and then be firm when the answer is no. It sounds as though you have been doing a good job of setting limits since Rory is responsive to being told no and isn't getting demanding. Believe me, as she gets older there will be PLENTY of opportunties to say no (like when she wants to change her shoes SIX times as has happened with my DS). If you want to do whatever she is requesting, then by all means, go ahead. It is my belief that it is harder to "spoil" children than many people believe. Children are in danger of being spoiled (not a word I particularly believe in, but it gets the point across) when parents don't set limits EVER and give in to child's request even at considerable expense (emotional, time or otherwise) to themselves or others. My sense is that this won't be a problem for you (I mean this in a good way).

Laurel
WOHM to Jack, 6/4/02
Baby Madeline 12/14/04

[holliam]

I'd say that unless it's dangerous or unreasonable, we probably are about at your percentage for both of us. The thing is, she is pretty good about going along with our requests too, and she loves to help out with everythign. So, I think it's working for us right now.

I have a weird situation because I work at home and she will wander into my office with a book in hand. Sometimes I am under a deadline and truly cannot read right that second. We are working on getting her to understand that but it kind of breaks MY heart. We are also reorganizing my office so I can shut the doors. :)

Holli

[californiagirl]

Honestly, I think enough of DD's requests are impractical that honoring the ones where it doesn't matter to me isn't going to spoil her. And I threw my back out recently so she often gets told she needs to go up with somebody else. Probably 90% of the time she gets what she wants or a variation on it -- somebody else to read to her, or she can bring the book with her and we'll read it later, or she can read me the book (no, she can't read, but she can turn the pages and talk about them). And sometimes we end up with interesting compromises. DH, for instance, told her she couldn't switch bibs again, but decided it didn't matter to him if she wanted the other one on top, so she ended up wearing two bibs at once.

I think it's important not to give in if it does matter to you. I think if you say "no" and then change your mind, it needs to be fast and it needs to be clear -- you need to say "I didn't know it mattered to you that much, so I'm going to change my mind." And you shouldn't change your mind often. I think you should aim to say "Yes", even if it's a yes-that-means-no, as in "Yes! I will read you that book just as soon as I am done here."

[kijip]

Saying no arbitarily to requests just to say no would seem to me to dilute the times when no is needed. I want Toby to understand that me saying no is serious and absolute, not frustrated that I am saying no just to say no. So if he asks for something that I can do or that is within the rules I say yes. If I can't do it, I say no. As he gets older the nos become more frequent (no, you can play playdoh in bed!, Nope, no video- you just watched one!) but because I use it when it needs to be used, I think I get a pretty good response from him overall. All kids will test us and I need to save my strength for those battles!

[C99]

Tara,

Nate's version of this is "RIGHT NOW!" I could not figure out where he got it from, but then I overheard J. lose his temper with him and say, "Stop that right now!" and now I know.

[kath68]

I am kind of caught on what you mean by "honoring". Do you mean always saying yes, or being respectful when you say no?

DS asks for juice probably 100 times a day. I can't say yes to that all the time. He gets juice as a treat (or as a bribe -- LOL). But I try to alway be respectful when he asks for it. There are so many times the DS and I disagree -- he wants to walk to the car without holding my hand, and that's a big "no" for me. He wants to run around naked *all the time* (a little bit is fine, but it is cold outside and he isn't housebroken!). He wants to watch flippin' Thomas way more than I can tolerate. I technically say "no" to him all day long, but it doesn't feel like it, really, since he is redirected so easily to something that is mutually acceptable. Not always, but frequently.

I do give easily on things like what shoes he wants to wear. I don't care, and he does, so he can wear whatever shoes he wants. He wants to sing a particular song 50 times, that's fine with me, so long as I don't have to sing -- I only sing for as long as I want to.

I don't even know how to quantify how often I "honor" his requests because the back and forth is more fluid than discrete requests for things -- he demands things as a form of communication and learning about the world, if that makes sense. Much of the time it isn't like he cares that much if he gets precisely what he is asking for.

I just try to be respectful and explain myself when I decide things contrary to what DS wants. And I am always looking for alternatives so we aren't in a someone wins/loses kind of situation. But then, DS isn't two yet, so the battle has yet to begin in force!

[Raidra]

I think that kids have the ability to tell the difference between you saying No to something unsafe/impractical/etc and saying No to a game because you don't feel like it.

The way I look at it, I would be upset if someone told me I couldn't play a game that I wanted to, just because it was inconvenient to them. I wouldn't like it if I really wanted to wear something that didn't match, but someone refused to let me. You know? The things that don't matter in the long run, I think it's fine (and even healthy) to say okay to. Now, I'm not saying that Colwyn gets to grind Play Dough into the carpet or wear a bathing suit outside in winter. But if he wants to play with a game that has a zillion pieces, and I don't feel like picking it up.. I still let him. And if he decides he wants to wear something that doesn't match, I let him do that, too.

I think that believing you have to say No to kids randomly or else they'll get spoiled assumes that children are just out to take advantage of you. I believe my kids are good at heart and simply want to play a game, not make my life difficult. I'm not saying that very well.. I read about it in Unconditional Parenting (which I don't fully subscribe to, but he does have some good points). The point is to assume the best of your children, not the worst.

I do think it's important for kids to know that sometimes things are more important than what they want. If I'm feeding Lachlann and he's just about to drift off to sleep, and Colwyn wants a juice, he has to wait. If Colwyn fell and cut his lip, I'd put Lachlann down and tend to Colwyn first. It's all about priorities. I don't think that doing laundry is more important than playing with Colwyn, but sometimes I need to make dinner and can't drop everything to play with him. Know what I mean? It's all about balance.

I also believe that when I say no, that's it, no negotiating. But because I only say no when it's important, I think that's fair.

[Judegirl]

"I think that believing you have to say No to kids randomly or else they'll get spoiled assumes that children are just out to take advantage of you. I believe my kids are good at heart and simply want to play a game, not make my life difficult. I'm not saying that very well.."

Rachel, I disagree...I think you said it perfectly. :)

Jude