WWYD if you got a full time job offer making double your DH's salary? (poll)

[jerseygirl07067]

Would you have your DH become a SAHD? We may be faced with this decision soon. Before having our kids, we both worked full time. I was able to work from home (as a rehab team leader) full time after I had Sammy, but took 7 months off with Julia and recently returned 10 hours a week to just seeing patients in the evenings. (I'm a physical therapist)

I really want to be able to stay home with Sammy and Julia as much as possible, as I know I will never have this time back. But I may have an opportunity for a full time job making double DH's salary. I think I would hate the thought of being the one working and having DH stay home. I would be concerned that DH would become kind of lazy, since he isn't as much the self starter type that I am. On weekends, he'll watch the kids but constantly get sucked into the TV. That worries me. Also, I think my workload of seeing patients every day in the setting I'd be working in would really burn me out. It's hard to give so much to patients during the day, and then continue to give to your family when you get home. I was getting kind of burnt out a few years back, and the team leader position came along at the perfect time. In addition, DH works for a huge corporation, with amazing benefits (free medical and dental for a family of 4 with a great PPO) but because his job is pretty specific, he might have a hard time finding a good job if he must re-enter the workforce. Right now, it's easy to find a job in my field, and it should be that way for a long time.

But, we would not have to be as conservative about money as we are right now, DH would no longer have an hour commute each way, and we would increase our family income by about 30-40% if I worked and he stayed home. And we would have our evenings together. Right now, he comes home and I leave the minute he gets home, so I can go see patients.

I'm really leaning toward not doing this, as the mere thought makes me very sad. I know I can never get this time back, but at the same time I would like to have a third child, but question if we could afford it financially. And there is always the chance that I take this job, sock away lots of money and then stay home even longer after my third child. Or there is the chance I might not get pregnant so easily the third time and I have lost all this time with Sammy and Julia.

This has turned into a longer post than I anticipated, but I always appreciate the insight and wisdom of our fellow moms (and dads) :)

Marcy

[bunnisa]

My opinion? Money is just money. Your children won't be young forever.

You need to decide if you'd really, truly be okay with being away from them every day. Be honest with yourself! :)

You also can't make a decision based on what might or might not happen later down the road -- life is unpredictable -- so try to make the best decision for what you know to be true right now.

Wishing you well in your decision!

Bethany
mom to one and one on the way!
http://lilypie.com/days/060226/0/8/1/-6/.png
"And children are always a good thing, devoutly to be wished for and fiercely to be fought for."
-J. Torres

[jerseygirl07067]

You are so right, about them not being young forever!! Goes by so fast....

Marcy

[Toba]

You say it's easy to find jobs in your field and should be for a long time ... if I were in your shoes, I would continue to be a SAHM, and it sounds like that's what you want to do anyway. And for the exact reasons you mentioned ... you can't ever get this time back. :)


~Kimberly Anne~
Noah Nevan, March 12, 2004
*the light of my life*

[C99]

You've already answered this question about what you'd do for yourself: pass it up and stay at home. Me? I'd be tempted to take it, at least for a little while.

[Judegirl]

I had a similar dilemma (the post is here somewhere, LOL.) My dh is basically a SAHD - works a few hours a week - and I work part-time. They have been looking to fill my position, which would be a very lucrative FT job and would mean that dh would not have to work at all and we would not really have to struggle.

Instead, we struggle, but both of us spend much of our time with our daughter. The uncertainty isn't easy - I could lose my job any day since they're actively recruiting - but each day I'm glad I didn't take it.

Good luck,
Jude

[dr mom]

My DH has a competitive salary, but I would definitely earn more if I went back to work full-time as a physician. However, he has absolutely no desire to be a SAHD, whereas I would feel woefully deprived if I missed out on time with DS. I stayed home for most of my son's first year, and now am working three days a work (while my mother watches DS) which has been a perfect arrangement for us. Not as much income, to be sure, but we both feel we have the right home-work balance in our lives.

From your post, you already know what you want to do - if "the mere thought makes me very sad" because you "can never get this time back" you need to go where your heart leads you. As a SAHM you can keep a closer eye on the household finances and work on lowering expenses (is your DH honestly going to clip coupons or shop sales, if he's not especially proactive right now?) which will help you to put away more savings. You need to do what works best for YOUR family, and from your own words you are leaning toward staying home - and there's nothing wrong with that. You're fortunate to work in a field where you can re-enter the job market at any time, so take advantage of the flexibility that offers you and enjoy spending time with your kids!

[Jen841]

Borrowing a quote from another daycare Mom "I'm a better Mom b/c I work." I LOVE my children, but I like my job too. I have 2 sets of challenges in my life and I like it that way. We are fortunate to have WONDERFUL daycare for our children. To be frank, Jude was bored with me during leave. I guess Mommy is not as fun as a room full of 2 year olds.

Does DH want to be a SAHD? That is my first question.

Did you consider both working for a bit? Sock away income, grow the savings for a rainy day? With today's workplace you never know what may happen, so we build things "just in case." In addition, we are improving our house now. We are doing things we can only do with 2 incomes, and when the time comes we won't have to stress as much about savings.

I'll work until Jude starts school, at least that is my thought now. I enjoyed my leave, but at the end was ready to return to work. i debated during my leave. DH says we can swing it on one income, but I am not ready. I worked so hard to be where I am, and I have a good situation now (work from home mostly, 8 or so hour days,...) I can almost come and go as needed.

Sorry, I am the one that offered up another option that may not be so popular. The bottomline, is we are a happy family. That is what is important!

[holliam]

Deciding who should be the SAHM parent is about more than just money. I say this as a working mom with a SAHD hubby.

At one point in our careers, we were both making about the same money in CA. Then the market crashed and he ended up making about half what I was making after being unemployed for a while.

We really wanted to have children and have one of us stay at home. He has wanted to be a SAHD for as long as I can remember.

We moved from CA to NC in 2003. I was able to keep my good CA salary. DH left the work force and became a SAH hubby, sans children. We lived better in NC on my salary than on 2 in CA.

We finally adopted our daughter and brought her home in May 05. DH is the best SAHP, not just Dad, but parent! It was definitely the right decision.

However, we have another unique aspect in that I am a full-time telecommuter. I eat all meals with them. I can take breaks and play, talk, read with DD.

I'm not sure I'd be as happy with the arrangement if I weren't working from home. But, I still think DH is the right one of us to be the SAHP.

Holli

[Momof3Labs]

We are currently in this position; if I work FT, I make twice as much as DH working FT. Right now, I work PT and we share child care (DH's job is not 9-5). DH does have better benefits, including an incredible retirement package, so quitting right now wouldn't make sense for him, but he can retire in 4.5 years.

It depends on how much you trust your DH to run the household. My DH couldn't handle that; he just doesn't multi-task well. So our arranagement gives us the best of all worlds, though not without trade-offs.

[proggoddess]

I currently work FT and my DH is a grad student. Before DD was born, he wanted to finish his bachelor's degree by working and taking classes PT. But with DD on the way, we decided I would work and he'd go to school full time so that he could stay at home and take care of her when she was born. When he graduated, he decided to pursue grad school so we could keep his flexible schedule and he could take care of DD (and #2 on the way).

I make double what DH did when he was working. I don't mind working and he doesn't mind staying at home. So mentally we were prepared for our non-traditional roles. I don't feel like I am missing out on my time with DD. And if your DH's commute is so long, doesn't he feel like he is missing out on his time with the kids?

I feel more comfortable that I can provide more (monetarily) for my family. I have a lot of friends with cash flow issues and I see how stressful and difficult it is for them and I thank God that I have a good job and don't have their problems.

[murpheyblue]

As PP's have said, it seems that you already know the decision that is right for you. I work FT and DH is a SAHD. I make 3 times what he did so the choice was fairly obvious and he was excited about becoming a SAHD.

If your DH is open to it having a dad stay home versus a mom is not a downgrade in your child's care. Dad's can be and are wonderful, nurturing caregivers. In our case, like Holli's, DH is the better SAH parent.

[proggoddess]

I will also agree that my DH is the better SAH parent. I'm very type A and I think I would go crazy if I were to stay at home. DH is more laid back so he can deal with toddler crises (spilled milk, crayon on the walls) much better than I could.

[lilycat88]

If I could, I would stay home. Our current situation is that I DO make nearly double what DH makes but he isn't cut out of SAHD cloth. I would love to stay home but we would need my salary to do that, not his. So, we both work.

[table4three]

I'm in the same position. I work PT and DH works FT. If I worked FT, I'd make double what DH makes and he could stay home and we could stop paying for childcare. Given the rediculous amount of money we currently spend on daycare, we'd have a lot more money that way!

However, it just isn't worth it to me. I want to be home with DS. And frankly, DH isn't cut out to be a SAHD. He too gets sucked in to the TV and at least at this point, gets kind of bored after a few hours of trying to entertain DS.

So, I continue to work PT and savor the time I do have at home with DS.

Good luck with whatever you choose! :)

http://lilypie.com/baby1/060325/3/15/5/-6/.png

[crayonblue]

I wouldn't for several reasons.

1) I love being a SAHM.
2) DH is a wonderful father but he is NOT SAHD type. He loves his work and is great at it and I think would lose his identity if home.
3) I am Type-A personality to the tee so I would still be "in charge" at home and I just cannot see myself capable of working outside of the home and still doing all the at-home stuff too.

As far as money, we try not to make big decisions based on money. I know this sounds really strange. But, if we feel that God is leading us a particular direction, then we do it. Somehow the money is always there. When DH and I were dating he told me that his goal was always to make enough that I could be home if I wanted. So, even with me working, we made sure we lived on only his salary.

Sounds like you have a big decision to make! I'm sure you will make the right one for your family!

[tarahsolazy]

I work FT as a physician, and my DH is a SAHD. Our situation is a little different in that DH is also a surgeon, and could make twice my salary if he worked FT.

He has no interest in that, he really wants to be at home. Although being a SAHM appeals to me as well, somebody's got to work! Since I am more interested in my career and such, I'm cool with that person being me.

Why should the person who can make more work, just because they'd make more. If my DH was FT and I was at home, we'd probably have a less happy family life, since he'd be grumpy all the time.

So stay home, if that's what your heart wants.

[dogmom]

We did a similar switch recently, me working full time, DH working part time. Several things went into this decision. What it came down to is it felt selfish to be the one that gets the most time with the kids and make my DH work M-F, 9-5+ will little flexibliy at a job he didn't like that much. It's time as a FAMILY, not just you/and the kids. So if it makes your family life easier, I would do it.

As far as lazy DH. My DH runs the house much different than I, but it runs well. He actually is much better at discipline than I am. And it's great that my son asks for daddy as much as mommy. And I love that he is happier.

But I don't know what you exact situation is, so you have to decide on your family. Remember, you can always change if you don't like the situation.


Jeanne
Mom to Harvey
1/16/03

[wagner36]

>In our case, like Holli's,
>DH is the better SAH parent.

This is our case too. DH is wonderful SAHD, and because of him, Charlie's days are full of magic.

I made about 5 times more than DH, so it was sort of a no-brainer. He'll go to grad school when our kids are a little bigger.

Sure, it is hard to go to work sometimes when they are planning their day together. And it sucks to know that occasionally DH is the one he asks for in the middle of the night, but the most important thing for our family is that one of us is home w/ him during this time in his life. I feel fortunate that we're able to provide that for him and not worry constantly about money.

[holliam]

Yep, I agree with Tarah! That's kind of what I was getting at... that it really should be about more than money. Otherwise, there is the potential for resentment and guilt from both you and DH since neither of you would be doing the job that you want, just the one you think you need to do.

I think the underlying message that you're hearing from most of us with successful SAHD situations is that we (the working moms) truly believe that DH is the best one for the position!

Holli

[wolverine2]

My DH is a SAHD, and it works well for us although it was not our first choice ideal situation. I would prefer to be a SAHM, but DH is self-employed and can't get benefits and doesn't have that much freelance work. I feel like I have to work to provide the financial stability. DH does love being at home, although there are days both of us struggle with wanting to be somewhere else. He does not "keep house" much, and I've decided that for both of our sanity I need to hire a housecleaner rather than expect him to do it or spend my quality time with DS cleaning. We just make choices to let some things (house, laundry, etc) NOT be priorities. I agree that it can't be only about money, although it did feel like our choices were limited due to finances. But whenever I think about the special relationship that DS and DH have due to our arrangement, I think it's great!
Good luck with the decision!
Carrie

[kboyle]

I'm in ultrasound and DH is in a family commercial landscaping business and he said that he would take less responsibility at work to stay at home with the kids if my income was able to support the family.

I personally would want to stay home more than work, but from a husband's standpoint he says go for it.

[hobey]

In our case, like Holli's,
>DH is the better SAH parent.

What they said. I also agree with the other posters that this boils down to more than money. First and foremost to consider is if DH will be happy and fulfilled as a SAHD as it can get pretty isolating especially for a father. My DH has a wonderful network of on-line SAHD buddies but sometimes tends to get looked at with a little mistrust by other moms in the area.

When we made the decision for DH to leave the work force, we discussed at length DH's feelings about it. Once we were on the same plane, we ran the numbers and it turned out it made more sense for me to work vs. DH.

Edited: Spelling

Raquel
Nathan's Mom 12/19/03

[jesseandgrace]

After reading your post I would say absolutely do not take the job. It sounds like this isn't a job you would like, you don't want to be away from your kids, you are making it work on your dhs salary already, and it sounds like maybe he isn't jumping up and down for this switch either. If I read your post right, the only reason is $, and it sounds like you can live on what you have. It is hard to be at work when you want to be at home, and even harder when you are not at a job you really like. I worked when ds was little, and i really wanted to be at home with him, not so much because I wanted to be a stay at home mom, I'm just not that good at it, but because I just couldn't stand missing the time with him. I've been home now since dd was born, so for two and a half years. I am so happy I was there for them both during that time, but now I am going to go back to work and I will probably make much, much more than dh. For me, now is the right time, and any sacrifices money wise over the past few years have been well worth it. I don't miss the $ I would have made, instead I'm just glad I can make it now, and I am really excited about working. My dh will be at home, and working from home, he is an artist. Good luck, I know these decisions are never easy!