If your kids are far apart in age, or will be...

[Judegirl]

Did you plan it that way? Are you glad, do you regret it, or have you never really thought about it?

I thought I wanted a lot of kids. I thought I wanted them close in age. But Rory's pushing 2, and dh and I are loving things as they are, and not about to have another one anytime soon. So dd's obviously not going to have a sibling within a couple of years of her own age, which is not how we envisioned it, but that's where we are now.

Experiences regarding age differences with your own kids? Thoughts? Reflections? Strong opinions? Just curious - not looking for advice per se - LOL - I can make up my own mind about this one. ;)

Best,
Jude

[Melanie]

Yes and I did plan it that way. I just did not think I could handle more than one baby at a time. My standard response when asked was "We're young, when he goes to college we'll have another." Ds was really an easy baby when awake, but he didn't sleep well at night.

So far I am glad. Ds is an amazing big brother, kind, gentle (for the most part - or at least he tries), caring, doting, etc. etc. I just can't imagine if I had two in diapers, two which needed lots of assistance, two which woke all night long, two which you didn't know if they'd run into traffic...

I would imagine there will be times when it would be nice for them to be closer together, as they get older, but I felt that it wouldn't make a difference if their mother was checked into a mental institution. LOL.

[tny915]

Well, we're pretty much where you are. As a perpetual planner in my childless days, I always imagined my children 2 years apart. Obviously 2 years have come and gone. DH and I have had a talk about having more each year, and he's just nowhere near feeling ready to handle another. So at this point, I've learned to let go of plans, go with the flow, and really enjoy the time that we have for DD. She's only this little for such a short time, and we're enjoying every minute of it.

[aliceinwonderland]

We're not starting our adoption process for another 5 yrs, 3 if all the stars fall into the right places... I really have not thought about the repercussions of age differences, it's just the way it will be for us.

Edited to add that we'd try for siblings ages as young as possible, which means that from the country we're adopting from, it will not be any younger than 18 months for our youngest.. . So I guess the differences will not be as huge as they seem now, as we won't be having infants. FWIW, I cannot possibly imagine adding a baby to the mix right this moment; I bow in reverence to the women that are doing this, truly. My son has broken 3 espresso cups in the past weekin various cafes, with at least three adults watching him. I cannot eat one meal uninterrupted. Etc. etc.

[bluej]

Yes, we planned it that way and no, we have no regrets. For a few years Alex was actually going to be an only child, but before her birth our plan was at least 4 years b/w kids. Turns out that's about how long it took me to decide that I could indeed go through L&R again :)

For me, I like that the older child/ren were old enough to be somewhat self-sufficient. I also like that I had most of the day alone with the new baby while the older child/ren were at school. Then when they got home I could focus on them. Now with a toddler, I still like having the day with just him and the absolute best moment of my day is when the kids walk in the door when they get home from school and they are yelling for Ryden and he is yelling for them and running to greet them. I love that they are so eager to see one another. The age difference doesn't seem to get in the way of them playing with one another. Of course, my number one reason for the age difference is sleep. I love sleep. I needed a couple of years of sleep before introducing another baby and a schedule of several nighttime wakings/feedings.

I have 5+ years b/w each of my sisters so I knew what it was like to be a child with that kind of spacing. As a kid, I thought it was nice to have my siblings far apart. As an adult the age difference doesn't seem to matter. We are all close and consider one another to be the dearest of friends.

[mudder17]

Yes, we planned it that way. And now that Kaya's in the "terrible two" stage, we're even more glad! I just wanted time to enjoy Kaya as a baby and toddler before becoming pregnant. But I also wanted her to gain a little more independence before throwing in a new baby in the mix. And although this may be selfish on my part, I sort of wanted to have a break from nursing and washing dirty dipes before the next one. Not sure how well that will work, but we'll see.

Oh and I also read in one of Burton White's books that sibling rivalry is usually most intense (or at least more likely to occur) when they're less than 3 years apart.

Eileen

http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/candle.gif for Leah
http://www.gynosaur.com/assets/ribbons/ribbon_emerald_18m.gif

http://tickers.baby-gaga.com/t/catcatcvi20040222_4_Kaya+is.png
Kaya's a cousin! 10/1/05, 5lb13oz

[holliam]

We don't plan to start another adoption until Mari is 2-5 years old. We do hope to adopt a young toddler next time so the age range might not actually be that great but we definitely are waiting for Mari to be older. We waited too long to have her in our lives to want to rush away the time just with her!

I'm the youngest of 5, and there are 8 years between me and the next one. My two sisters who are 10 and 13 years older than me have been 2 of my best friends my entire life. I have loved the age difference!

Holli

[hez]

2 years was the closest I wanted kids together (and would have been the closest I could get-- I didn't get AF 'til Payton was 15 months old!).

I thought I wanted them no further than 3 years apart in school based on DH's and my experiences growing up (see below). That pipe dream has now come and gone I think, but not for lack of trying.

DH and his siblings did really well being 3 years apart. My sister and I were too close (probably 'cause we're girls) at 2 years apart. I feel like I don't know my brother that well 'cause we're 5 years apart. I left for college when he was 13-- still a baby. I didn't get to see him (or help him) develop into his adulthood very much.

I'm hoping our kids don't end up more than 4 years apart now, but I might not get a say in it, you know? I need to stop thinking about it too much ;)

[JElaineB]

Honestly I wish I was younger and had more time to mull this over, as I'm 36 and not getting any younger. We too like things the way they are. In fact I regret a little not trying to have another one earlier because once DS hit 3 he got so much easier to deal with it seems (except for bedtime, grrr...) that I really don't know if I can handle a newborn again. I think I want another kid, I just am not psyched about pregnancy, birth and the newborn stage. I think I would actually love to adopt, but I financially I just don't think we could. At the earliest if we do TTC another one I think we would aim for having another when DS is about 4.5 or so. I guess I feel around 3 - 3.5 years apart would have been ideal for us though, but for a few reasons we'll need to wait a bit longer to try again.

Jennifer
mom to Jacob 9/27/02

[ChunkyNicksChunkyMom]

As mother of a 13 month old with another due in May I can honestly say that if my age had allowed me to wait and space these children further apart I gladly would have. You finally get into your routine,catch up on some sleep and can actually enjoy your child then BAM the whirlwind starts again. Taking more time to enjoy the moment would have been really nice here.

Susan

#1 Nick 11-18-04
#2 ETA 05-22-06

[ribbit1019]

Not that I am *really* in the position to answer, but originally we planned four to five years between kids. That of course is now not the case, I am not complaining life has just taken a different turn for us.
Financially and emotionally, I knew we would not be prepared for another child until four or five years had passed. I still feel that way, but we have to play with the hand we are dealt. As it stands they will be around 21 months apart. Am I ready? No. Is my family? Likely not. But we will figure things out.
I do have my days that I doubt this, but I truly believe there is a reason they are going to be so close. And not just that DH and I were lazy, lol!!

Christy
Maddy born 6/09/04
http://lilypie.com/baby2/040609/3/4/0/-5/.png

Little Man due 3/02/06
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Co-Owner Ribbit Baby

"I did then what I knew how to do. When you know better, you do better." ~ Maya Angelou

[Judegirl]

Holy MOLY Susan!!!! I can't even imagine the stamina and patience that's going to take - and taking, I'm sure, halfway through your pregnancy!

Jude

[lisams]

Yes! We are now just starting TTC #2 hoping that we can get them about 4 years apart.

Mainly it's because I don't handle stress very well, and I really didn't want to have a young toddler and an infant if we could help it. It also just felt right to have them spaced at least 3 years apart (and I wanted DD to be weaned by the time I got pregnant and it all worked out just perfect!!)

[smallestangel]

Count me in as one of those people that always said I'd have my children exactly two years apart. All four of them (!). Then I actually had one,lol. Now we're down to just having one more and I'm not even sure when that'll be. Jacob is still nursing a lot, and only sleeping about four hours at a time at night. I've actually been thinking about having another one quite a bit lately; baby fever I guess you could say. DH has been feeling it too. But, we both know that it's just not the right time. Jacob still needs me 110%, and I'd like to have my body back for a while before we try again.


So, we're probably atleast a year away from trying for another and Jacob will be two in March. I'm 28 right now, DH just turned 30 so we're still very young.


Amanda

[cmdunn1972]

Sean is 8 months old, and DH and I aren't in a hurry for a sibling. We didn't plan it that way. Before DH and I were married, we talked about having 2 or 3 kids. We even had a shorter engagement period so that we could try having kids sooner rather than later. Two years later, we found out that we had fertility issues and decided to adopt rather than pursue treatment. (We didn't want to go through the stress and expense if there were no guarantees.) As it turned out, the agency we dealt with and the travel expenses due to our unique situation made our adoption rather pricey.

Our hesitation to adopt again is for two reasons, all of it monetary. The first is that we're still paying off debt (credit cards and loans) incurred during the first adoption. The second is we feel we have to choose between sending Sean to a nice, though expensive, private school or adopting another child. As much as we'd both like Sean to have a sibling, we're not sure if we could afford to give two children the same high standards of living that we could with one child. Plus, I absolutely do not want to go back to a career. (I like the one I have!)

[tarahsolazy]

We're hoping for another when Fory is 2.5 to 3. It makes the most sense in my career to have another sooner, if I want another. And, we feel like we're ready to do it all again. The boy weaned, he sleeps 12 hrs at night, let's go for it again!

I did have a sister 6.5 years younger and we weren't close as kids, BUT we are good friends now. She had more of an only child experience with my folks, since my twin and I left for college when she was 11, but that's not a bad thing.

[firstbaby]

My two will be about 2.5 years apart and I think it will work out well. We originially thought we would go closer to 3 years apart but - this is going to sound crazy - it took awhile for DC to sleep through the night, etc and we didn't think it would get any easier for us. We're in our mid-30's. Without a crystal ball, I don't think that we'll have more than 2.

I am one of 4 and we are 1-2 years apart and I don't know how my mom did it. Although we are all close now, I think my mom (dad worked all of the time) was so overwhelmed she never had the energy to play with us or develop our own interests. I am not complaining at all but rather making an observation. I think if my dad could have been home more it would have her keep some sanity :)

[dotgirl]

I'm not sure what the difference in ages are for the children of the previous posters, because I didn't see anything called out.

Anyway, we have a 12 year old daughter and a 2 year old son. No point getting into the whys and hows of the age difference, but the only negative thing is that we've got puberty and the terrible twos at the same time. ;)

Although "watch Riley while we make dinner" is one of her chorese three nights per week, one thing we're trying to be very careful of is to not use DD as a "default babysitter". (I'm 13 years older than my youngest brother and I resented being treated as the "slave nanny".)

She does babysit him a couple of times a month (for 1-2 hours), and I have to admit it's very handy. She also really enjoys playing with him, and likes to take him for walks in his stroller (weather permitting).

The age difference is probably more extreme than most people are thinking of, but it works out pretty well around our house.

[pittsburghgirl]

James will be two next week and I have only recently felt as if I was "ready" to consider another child. I always thought 3 years apart would be a good age difference, my brother and I were 18 mos apart and that meant a lot of conflict for us.

However, we have fertility issues and don't plan on going back for more IVFs to conceive again (it took 3 for DS) so we are working on accepting ourselves as parents of an only child at this point (I'm not getting any younger, and neither is DH!) We decided a few months ago that if we don't miraculously conceive by the time DS is 3, we will donate/sell all of the baby stuff and move on. If we do, it will be nice to have a more independent child around while I cope with a newborn (it was not easy for me with DS), instead of what we have now, Mr. No-No-No :)

Marilee
mommy to James
http://lilypie.com/baby2/040120/1/1/1/-5/.png

[newbelly2002]

I always had imagined 2 kids, 2 years apart. And, truth be told, around the time Dante turned 2 I started getting the itch. Then nature stepped in and said "it's not ALL up to you, lady" and kept us guessing for the better part of a year while we tried in vain. Then she *really* had fun and threw us a very unexpected curveball: twins. End result is, Ghod willing, three kids spaced 3.5 years apart.

Sometimes, it's good to be reminded that as much as we *think* we're in control, well, we're not. :)


Paula
Mama to Dante, 8/02
And 2 sweet peas in an April pod

[kozachka]

I keep going back and forth on whether I want two kids or just one. DS was not an easy kid, mostly during his wake hours, and DH was not a particularly helpful parent. And I had very little to no outside help with DS before he was 18 months old. I would not want to raise another child on my own. DH and I keep talking about having another one and there was a moment, around the time DS was 20 months, that we were almost ready to try have another one but life threw us a curve ball and we had to leave US for at least 1.5, possibly 2 years. So we decided to wait with another child until we get back. Right now our relations with DH are so bad I am kind of glad we did not TTC. Who knows if we stay together for much longer...

On a separate note, my brother is 11 years and 4 months younger and I still resent my mom for having me babysit him all the time. Now I realize that her life was not easy and she did not have much of a choice with my dad travelling on business for months at a time, and my grandma (dad's mom) bedridden, but it does not make me feel any better about all the things that I did not get to do as a teenager. My brother and I still don't have an equal relationship, maybe in a few years. In other words, I would not want to have my children that far apart if I can help it.

[MelissaTC]

DS will be at least 4.5 when we go to China. She will be between 6-12 months, as far as we know. I am glad for the age difference. I know myself and there is no way I would have been able to handle 2 being 2 years apart or less. I would have gone insane. I know myself too well. I have a friend whose DDs are 2.5 years apart and she handles it well.

My sister and I are 3 years apart and we are very close. My other sister is 8 years younger and we are close as well although we don't have alot in common right now with me being married and having a child. We haven't decided on a third child although we are heavily leaning towards it. In that case, if we adopt, he or she will be close in age to DD.

[heidiann]

I have 4 children that are very, very close in age. I was 19 when I had my first daughter then 16 months after that I had my son, 16 months after that I had my daughter then 16 months after that I had another daughter. I thought I would go totally insane. plus I was in college. One thing for sure they always had someone to play with. My last two are really close to each other. My kids now are 15, 14, 13 and 12. Then I got remarried and had another baby ( if you would have asked me 12 years ago if i was going to have another baby I would have taken the bridge)> Jillian is now almost 3 months old,and now that I'm older and have a baby (I'll be 35 next month YIKES) I have alot more patients thats for sure.
I guess I really didn't answer your question, I think I really didn't enjoy my children being "babies" because I was so busy and my children had to grow up too fast. which is kind of a good thing now because they are really independent and responsible.

Heidi
Mom to Jillian 10/20/05

[kijip]

Well the plan was 2-3 years apart and now that ship has sailed (4 mc). I reckon that the very soonest I would have another baby, Toby would be at least 5 or 6 years old and that is IF I reconcile with J in 1-2 years. If not, I think I am done for now. I am going to just have to love whatever comes to pass and stop worrying about theoretical reasons to space children in a particular way. I do know that I personally could have never, ever had a child before Toby was nearly 2 years old. I would have lost my ever loving mind. As it was we did not start trying until Toby was about 1, with the hope that we would have a baby by about age 2 or 2 and 1/2.