Is it unfair to get mad at DS for this?

[Mommy_Again]

Lately, anytime I need to get him dressed, put him in the car, whatever- he runs away, squiggles away, falls down on the ground, etc. Not in a tantrum mode- but he is laughing and thinking it is a big game. I KNOW he is just 2 and having fun, but at the same time, it is extremely frustrating to be in a hurry to get out the door and have him run halfway across the yard and flop down in the wet grass. I have tried getting down on his level and explaining that when Mommy asks him to do something, he needs to cooperate and be a good boy, etc. I feel so bad getting angry with him but this is one area in which my patience is almost non-existant.

Anyone else struggle here? I just realized I have 123 Magic sitting, unopened, on my nightstand. Might have to pull that one up to the top of the book pile.

[lisams]

Yep, time to pull out 123 Magic! These are the kind of situations where I am most thankful we have a modified 123 system. It's hard because when you're in a hurry you really don't want to spend 2 more minutes putting your DS in time-out, but they learn quickly that you mean business and the need for time-outs goes down pretty quickly!

[Judegirl]

I think it depends on what you mean by "mad at DS" and "fair." Is it understandable to be frustrated and irritated? Yes. In that case, I don't think "fair" is an issue. But if what you are feeling is personal, which is what I think of when I hear "mad at DS," then yes, I think it is unreasonable to be angry with your toddler for being a toddler.

That does not mean that you shouldn't feel it, or should deny it. I feel unreasonable things all the time. I just try to recognize thatthe feelings are irrational, and therefore try not to act out of them. If you are behaving as if you are angry with your toddler when he is simply being a toddler, then I would say that you are treating him unfairly.

I'm sure this isn't helping...I'm sorry. I'm just not clear about hte meaning behind your language. My dd is only 20 months, but she is an active, spirited, determined kid, and very much a stinker. But I honestly have never once felt angry with her, only frustrated or irritated about the situation.

Good luck...
Jude

[psophia17]

DS does this all the time - it drives me up the wall, especially because I have not felt up to chasing after him lately.

This will probably earn me an honobable mention at the bad mama awards this year, but it works when I say "okay, Mummy will have to leave you home since you're not ready." DS gets very worried that I will actually leave, and comes running in two seconds. I always say then "you thought Mummy would leave you here alone?" or something similar, get his shoes and coat on, and haul him out the door.

As far as outside goes - the rule, which he usually seems to pay attention to - is that if he goes outside before me, he can run to the car and he has to put his hand on it. His 3yo buddy follows this rule, so it works that DS wants to follow it, too. So far...knock on wood.

HTH!

[ellies mom]

You know, I have a couple of mantras I use with my two year old. Basically, I remind myself, very frequently on some days, that "she is a two year old, and that is what two year olds do" and "Don't take it personal, she is just being two". Of course all the mantras in the world don't help get the child to the car when you are in a hurry. So basically, I give her the chance to do it herself and then I "do it for her". If she can't walk to the car by herself, then I carry her. If I'm in a hurry and I know that it will be an issue, I just carry her. She gets plenty of other opportunities to learn to comply and cooperate. She gets plenty of opportunities to meander and explore. If you know there is a sticking point then try to eliminate it. My "no patience" area is her messing with the computer when I'm trying to get things done. I'm not always very successful, but ideally, I just walk away from the computer and come back while she is sleeping or otherwise occupied. I just find myself getting so angry that it is better to just walk away. I don't get as mad, and we are both happier for it.

Anyhow, I hope that helps a little. Hang in there.

[DebbieJ]

So my ds isn't the only one?

We attemtped to go grocery shopping yesterday but after three carts and an ongoing refusal to sit in them, we had to leave. But I had to order his birthday cake at the bakery. So we went to the car to get the stroller, came back in, and then he wiggled out of that!

UGH!

Okay, I'm getting 1-2-3 Magic today!

(sorry to hijack, but now you know you're not alone)

~ deb
DS born at home 12/03
2 year check up: 25 lbs with clothes on and 35 inches!
BFARed for 20 months and 6 days
(Breastfeeding After Reduction is possible! www.bfar.org)

http://www.bfar.org/members/fora/style_avatars/Ribbons/18months-bfar.jpg

[g-mama]

Aaaah, yes, I know this situation well. It's super annoying, isn't it? In our house, my 2yo runs into the car, sits in big brother's booster seat and refuses to get out of it (smiling and laughing all the while). So I've got my 5yo yelling at his little brother and the new baby crying - all at the same time!

It's very frustrating and I do get angry but I try not to show it as anger to him because it's normal. Oh, and Petra, I've pulled the "I'm leaving" thing more than once. Is that bad? One time my oldest ds would not get off his bicycle and into the car so I pulled down the driveway and into the street. I guess I win first prize! It can be so frustrating and it did seem to help for awhile!


~Kristen

Paolo 11-00
Benjamin 8-03
Marco 12-05

[Mommy_Again]

Petra and Kristen, I do it to! "Bye bye! Mommy is leaving now. see you later!" It USED to work...now he is jut like "whatever mom!"

I knew I wasnt alone, but it is still nice to hear others are struggling with the same thing. I feel so bad whenever I get frustrated because I know he is just exploring and playing. Gonna wipe the dust of 123 Magic tonight!

[ett]

Sounds like you're describing my DS. I'm glad I'm not the only one with this problem. And I've also tried the "I'm leaving now" approach, but DS gives me the whatever look and continues with what he's doing.

[KBecks]

I don't know if it's unfair, but you certainly need to allow more prep time, since you know this is an issue.

I'd average in an extra 5 or 10 minutes for the "negotiations." : )
At least having a little extra time planned will help take off some of the pressure and allow you to deal with the situation more calmly.

It can take time for these things to be learned, so don't expect immediate compliance. Also, how about creating an incentive for DS to get ready quickly? Something like a star, or a toy to play with in the car, or something along those lines?

Don't forget to give lots of praise when he works with you.

[lizamann]

Oh yeah, all the time. It sometimes gets me REALLY frustrated if I'm not careful. One day recently as dd was running naked and hiding in her curtains as usual, I was starting to get really stressed because we were late and felt my blood start to boil.

Then I totally switched gears into "Playful Parenting" mode (which I haven't read, BTW) and suddenly all her clothes turned into monsters and started eating her various body parts. The pants monster ate her legs (as I put them on), the sock monster ate her feet, etc. She loved it and has brought up the monsters since. I felt way better, too, since it was getting the job done in a positive way. OF course I'm not recommending the pants monster for you, but trying something playful, when you least want to (I understand!) may help some.

Edited to add that I don't do 123 Magic, but I do routinely count to 3 when getting her into the carseat. But getting to 3 doesn't result in a punishment for her, it means that I am the one putting her in the seat instead of her doing it herself. She let me get to 3 a couple of times (maybe only once) and screamed bloody murder as I strapped her in. Now she always gets in herself before 3.

[kozachka]

>how about creating an
>incentive for DS to get ready quickly? Something like a star,
>or a toy to play with in the car, or something along those
>lines?
>
>Don't forget to give lots of praise when he works with you.
>
>
Maybe it's just me, but I don't think it is right to reward normal behavior. It just sounds too much like bribery to me.

In our house, we give a short explanation of why we need to do X (brush DS teeth, have him hold Mom's hand), clearly state consequences and follow up. In the situation that OP described, I'll just pick DS up and carry him to the car. Sometimes, OK oftentimes, I, not the most organized person in the world that I am, don't have the extra 5 mins to negotiate.

ETA missed words

[brittone2]

What Veronica said :) If it is a repeated thing, I'd try to be proactive and not give him the option to run away. I'd give him the choice of walking and holding my hand (or whatever you want to do) or being carried. No option to run. If you set him up so noncompliance isn't an option, there's no sticking point to have to deal with, kwim? It is a PITB but eventually he'll realize if he doesn't do it, you will do it for him, so he might as well do it himself.

[1ceng1]

We went through the same thing when DD was around 2. I just found ways to distract her (TV, a snack) and quickly threw some clothes on her. After the bath I would make sure the door to the bathroom was closed so she was trapped and had to get dressed.

[Rachels]

*But I honestly have never once felt angry with her*

Enjoy that while it lasts! ;) Seriously, I never felt angry at that age, either, but there are times now when I'm surprised that actual steam doesn't come flying out of my ears. Older toddlers can be tough, and half the time they mean to be. Anger is a basic human emotion, and while it's no fun, neither is it abnormal or unreasonable to feel it in relation to your child. Clearly there are healthy and unhealthy ways to deal with it, but expect to feel it at some stage.

Ashley, that sounds totally frustrating. Some of the suggestions here are good ones. I also know that in our world, where the same kind of stuff happens, Abby has to cope with wet clothes or shoes or whatever on occasion when it's important to her to test out the feeling of wet grass on our way out the door. :)

-Rachel
Mama to Abigail Rose
5/18/02
http://www.gynosaur.com/assets/ribbons/ribbon_amethyst_36m.gif
Nursed for three years!

and Ethan James
10/19/05
http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/bf.jpg


"When you know better, you do better."
Maya

[Judegirl]

Oh, absolutely!!! Don't think I don't think each and every day that this is *that* day...LOL. I've got a quick fuse...I didn't mean to sound like I think I'm a saint. It's just so far she's been super agreeable so I haven't felt angry with her, leaving me able to hope that I'll feel angry about the situation and it won't feel personal...but we all have our triggers!

Ashley, I didn't mean to sound preachy! I was just answering the question I thought you were asking, which was about the relationship between fairness and anger, etc...probably I overthought it!!

Rachel, thanks for the subtle heads-up at the way I sounded. ;)

Best,
Jude

[Mommy_Again]

No problem. When I read your post, my initial thought was "uh oh, here we go again with the vocabulary police" - but I try not to react to the tone of people's posts because I think, for the most part, people don't put as much thought into writing them as others do in reading them. Way too much unnecessary over-sensitivity here sometimes, YKWIM?

But I do appreciate your thoughtful response. Hope your DD continues to be agreeable as long as possible!!!

[Judegirl]

LOL - I'll cop to playing the vocabulary police sometimes, but most of the time I just honestly think that the person meant something other than what they meant. :) And yes, I usually just dash off my posts; I'm sure if I did a text analysis I'd find they vary vastly by everything from the time of day, the day of the week and the time of the month!

Hope things get easier for you guys soon...123 Magic often does work wonders, I've heard.

Jude