Do your children see the ILs, but you do not?

[kelly ann]

I have not seen the ILs since Christmas when they arrived late for the dinner and then proceded to barely eat anything (they filled up on food at their church Christmas meal). They tore through their presents and scooted out a little after one hour. It was the last straw for me and I told DH that I didn't want them back in the house unless they apologized. Of course, this has been brewing for a long time and this is just one in a whole string of annoyances. Well, DH has informed me that his mother will never apologize since she is stubborn (meaning immature) and truly believes she is always right. She has alienated so many other folks in the family, but still believes it has nothing to do with her (since she is always right).

My problem is that DS really misses her. The other day the doorbell rang and DS ran to the door thinking it was my MIL. On top of it, DH stopped by their place with DS last week and he got so excited knowing he was going to see her.

This Sunday, I am going to see a theater show with a friend and DH is having them come over to the house to see the children while I am out. It seems that they are upset about the situation and miss the kids terribly.

Is this the future...I leave so MIL can come into the house to see the kids? Or DH takes them over to their place without me? Does anyone else have this situation? I just think the children will wonder why mommy does not ever see the grandparents. Or, do I go back to seeing them again and just learn to bite my tongue or stifle my frustration so she can spend time with the children?

By the way, my SIL does not get along with the MIL and it got to the point that the BIL always took the kids over to see them with his wife. DH and I swore we would never get in that situation, but that is where we are at :(

[Mommy_Again]

She sounds delightful. I see no problem with DH supervising visits without you. I mean...I really don't see a downside to that- think of all the free time you will get! I am sure you more than deserve a few hours each week for some peaceful relaxation. Your children seems to geniunely love seeing her, so there's no way you can or should take that away from them. If you don't make a big deal out of it, and force yourself to be present a few times a year (holidays and birthdays, maybe), then I don't think they will think anything of it. And if they ever ask, just say it is mommy's time to do things for herself and grandma's time to visit with her grandchildren. I say go for it!

[m448]

I see our family as a package deal. Your DH and you need to be on the same page and resolve or at least make an effort to bring resolution to this mess with MIL. I'm not talking about biting your tongue or letting them walk all over you. I'm saying that if she hasn't apologized or recognized she comitted a mistake then you guys don't see her for a while until she does. It's not blackmail just that by taking your son over of her coming over when you're gone reeks of her getting away with treating you guys like crap and then being able to see the grandchild despite all this.

I'm having trouble really getting the right words out today so this may seem confusing but with our family it's an all or nothing deal. You can't not want to see one member and then want to see another (in our small nuclear family).

[brittone2]

I have a rather...shall we say....strained relationship w/ the ILs presently. However, I would not ever cut them off from seeing DS unless it was an extraordinarily serious matter (as in a matter of safety or something like that). I would not entrust him to their care without DH or I around (because I don't trust that they wouldn't spank and/or "discipline" DS in a way that I'm uncomfortable with), but with one of us there, they could see DS.

We are 9 hours away from my MIL right now and we're not getting along too well after our charming holiday visit either. However, she's still welcome to call or talk to DS and I would never tell her she couldn't see him.

My parents are on the other end of this. They had an argument with my brother/SIL 2 years ago over some very serious things my brother was doing and my brother/SIL cut my entire side of the family out of things (my siblings, DH and I, and my parents) for two entire years. In fact, they wouldn't even allow *any* of us to send cards to their DC and would instead return them marked "return to sender" unopened. The emotional stress on my parents and the rest of my family as a result has been unbelievable. I think it was very damaging to my nieces. They truly love my parents a great deal (brother/SIL have since decided to allow phone calls and letters). They can never recoop that time, and neither can we, with my nieces. Very sad. In fact, my SIL mentioned recently that the 6 year old asked if her grandparents (my parents) had died. Sad. But it is a very personal decision and only you know what is right for your family...situations vary so much.

As long as they weren't doing anything to directly and very very negatively impact my child, I would still allow my ILs "access" to DS. Not sure I could stomach them right now, and like you I would hate the idea of DH taking DC over to their house by himself because that makes it look like you don't have a united front. In that case, I'd want DH to be clear with his parents that he is not thrilled with them either and is doing this to maintain contact between the kids and grandparents, not because he's excusing their behavior and you are not, iykwim?

Ahhhh. ILs. Fun.

Hope the situation improves soon.