how do you maintain positive energy in your chaotic household?

[lizajane]

dh (and i know i do it, too) have been SO negative lately. the kids are overwhelming and the dirty house is overwhelming and our needs to do fun things for ourselves is overwhelming (because we never have time to do anything for ourselves)

how do you maintain a positive attitude? how do you stop the grown up whining??

[babymama]

Gosh - it seems this is the kind of question for which there is no easy answer. For us, we definitely have ups and downs. When DH is in a funk - it puts me in a funk (mostly bc I get all self-righteous and have lots of internal dialogue about how he has no right to be in a funk when he does 1/4 of what I do for the kids, on top of which I work fulltime, etc, etc).

I let DH have a lot of alone time, so that he can recharge and won't fall into his funkiness. That means that I let him have time off on evenings and weekends to go workout, go play golf, go to Best Buy, go to a book store, etc - while I'm at home with the kiddos. I have determined that even though it's not "fair" - I'd rather he have that time alone and stay pleasant than be with me helping with the kiddos when he's grumpy. I recognize that our relationship is one where we both really appreciate our breaks from each other.

when i'm feeling overwhelmed by the dirty house, i find it best to get out of the house for a bit. we'll go out to eat or go to the park or something. this allows me to recharge and come back home with a fresh perspective.

sometimes, when my mom is in town, DH and I get a chance to get out of the house together. we also go to lunch together a few times per month w/o the kiddos and when we're really really overwhelmed, we'll both take the day off from work to spend together (DS still goes to school) - whether it's to work on household projects together or to just spend time together reconnecting, it's really helpful.

anyway, hope this helps.


Lydia
Mama to Santiago, my 2 yr old monster
and new baby girl, Solana, born 12/26/05
I'll figure out how to update my avatar someday!

[DebbieJ]

Oh, Liza, this is a very good question!

Negativity runs rampant in our house too because of all the things you mentioned, plus two of my three sisters are going through a crisis right now, so there's lots of drams.

We are both very overwhelmed. Today DH lashed out at me mostly because of all the accumulating stress. Not good!

I can't wait to read all the answers!

~ deb
DS born at home 12/03
2 year check up: 25 lbs with clothes on and 35 inches!
BFARed for 20 months and 6 days
(Breastfeeding After Reduction is possible! www.bfar.org)

http://www.bfar.org/members/fora/style_avatars/Ribbons/18months-bfar.jpg

[aliceinwonderland]

we look around and laugh hysterically at what we got ourselves into. We dream of the day when my mom will come over to rescue us (begining of May, as it stands). ANd we look at people with more children and shake our head in horror and admiration at the same time :) :)

You either laugh or cry type thing :)

[MarisaSF]

In the words of Alanis Morissette...

I'm broke but I'm happy
I'm poor but I'm kind
I'm short but I'm healthy, yeah
I'm high but I'm grounded
I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed
I'm lost but I'm hopeful, baby
What it all comes down to
Is that everthing's gonna be fine fine fine
Cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a high five
...
**Shrugs and says "Could be worse."**

:)

PS- If you're feeling particularly down at this time of the year, you're not alone: "Monday, January 23 Gloomiest Day of the Year" http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/afplifestylebritain;_ylt=Aiu6uIRulflFlZa4wgv8yaTti BIF;_ylu=X3oDMTA5aHJvMDdwBHNlYwN5bmNhdA--

[Dcclerk]

Here was what we did today...One of us put the kids to bed for their nap, while the other scurried around trying to just pick up the chaos and put the major messy stuff away in just the living room and dining room. We both stopped at the same time. DS only naps half of the days, but he has to stay in his bed and rest for at least an hour. Then, we shut our door and their door, turned on our white noise machine and cuddled and took a nap together. It wasn't very long, but it was a special treat for ourselves that we took together.

In essence, we've come to determine that we are never going to have a perfect house. We can contain the disaster in short spurts, but we no longer have ideas of perfection. I am working on new habits little by little. Now, once we are done playing with something, we put it away before we move on to another activity. That's helped a ton in not making everything quite as overwelming to pick up later. We are spending more and more time working on connecting as a couple, and not thinking about how each of us is doing more work than the other, or has it harder or... Once we started getting pretty good at not comparing ourselves and the work we do with each other, and just appreciate what the other person is doing, we've had a lot more joy. We also spend a lot of time talking about how good we have it. We don't compare ourselves much to other people, just talk about all the great things we have (e.g. amazing kids that are perfectly healthy and have personalities galore, we're best friends, tiny house but in a fantastic neighborhood,etc.)

We also do everything in short spurts. We have people over for drinks a lot, because it is great for rejuvenating but isn't work like having people over for dinner. I walk a 1/2 mile for coffee on the weekends; it's a half hour to an hour little pick me up where I can enjoy talking to my kids in the stroller.

We also take turns going out by ourselves. Right this very minute, DH is sitting by our firepit outside with a few guys having cigars. I'm really happy for him when he has a chance to hang out with the guys. I will be going out for a slumber party this Friday. I don't feel guilty telling/asking DH if I can go out with the girls anymore, and he does the same.

I guess, in sum, we do take the time we need for ourselves. We just need less time and now have figured out ways that are easier for us to do that.

I hope it gets less stressful for you soon..

[JFC]

This is an awesome question! Definitely something we struggle with...overwhelming is such the right word.
I like reading the PPs advice - some great stuff! DH and I did have a great weekend - I think because we left all our house projects on Saturday and went out for a few fun family hours. Then when we came home we took turns playing with DS and working on the house and more generally just really worked as a team this weekend instead of "competing" with each other. I think that is my personal issue, that I need to better appreciate what DH does rather than get bitter over what he doesn't do.

As for the overwhelming house, this is a big issue for us, so I've been really trying to do a little bit each day - and trying to keep our downstairs (the "public" areas of the house) presentable. I guess I figure I'll feel better about the diaster zone upstairs if downstairs is presentable. Not sure if that helps...I guess we just need to remind each other that the dust or pile of papers aren't the big thing - having fun with our partners and children is!

Smile! ;-)

[lynettefrancois]

You poor thing! I feel your pain. I finally read (ok skimmed) a book about procrastination (thinking maybe this was my problem) and it suggested scheduling the FUN things on your calendar first. Then you actually realize the time you've spent doing things you enjoy, and the stuff you don't particularly want to do seems to pass by more quickly. I think it helps, since you focus on how much fun stuff you did. I think this would help for non-procrastinators too. Also, why not try making clean up time more fun? Blast the stereo and dance while you vacuum (assuming unlike my house, you can get to the floor to vacuum...) :) AND you have to decide to let some things go. I'm still struggling with this. However, I've decided to let a lot of my STUFF go (one of the best books I've EVER read about organization is NOT about organization and so worth the time: Making Peace With the Things in Your Life: Why your Papers, Books, Clothes and Other Possesions Keep Overwhelming You and What to Do About It, by Cindy Glovinsky). I could never have decluttered without it. It helps you understand WHY you keep all your stuff, which ultimately allows you to let some of it go. I am slowly getting my home back in order... try not to beat yourself up! HTH some! :)
ETA: Forgot to add that I am ROTATING toys now, which makes for much less mess when she can only play with 1/3 of them at a time!!! I switch them when she's asleep, keeping the favorites as a constant. :)

[Momof3Labs]

We went away for a few days together back in December for the first time since DS was born. I didn't think it would help much, but it made a HUGE difference for both of us. I know that it isn't easy to find the time (or sometimes even the money) but it was more fun to spend the money on the trip than a marriage counselor!

Little breaks are important. I seem to need them more than DH (probably because he gets some break time at work that I don't get when I'm working), so will head out for an hour or two at times that are mutually agreeable to us.

When DH works (he does a 24hr shift, which turns into 28 hours with drive time and such) and I feel completely in over my head, I try to ditch the to-do list and do something fun with Colin. It can be as simple as an afternoon at Grandma's house or a trip to the park, or a trip downtown or to a zoo or museum. The bigger trips wear me out a lot right now, but they also wear out DS, so he goes to bed more easily and earlier.

Picking up things as we're done with them helps a lot around the house. DS is learning (with plenty of prompting) to pick up a toy when he's done with it so at least the house isn't a complete disaster at the end of the day. Laundry comes out of the dryer and straight into a basket; I can usually fold while DS is playing, or it goes up to our room so I can fold while watching TV in bed at night. Keep up with the laundry - throw in a load when you have enough, rather than trying to do it all on one day.

And if it works for you, make a list and prioritize. You'll feel good when you can cross things off of your list, and it will help you focus on the bigger things rather than the little stuff that can wait.