Spinoff from the No thread--a question about enforcement

[mommyj_2]

What do you do when your friends come over and allow their children to do things that you don't let your DC do, and they don't have their kids stop even when you say that your DC isn't allowed to do it?
This has happened recently. We worked hard to keep DS from jumping on the couch. He hadn't tried it for about a year, but recently 2 different couples came over and let their kids jump from our couch to our ottoman. I politely said that we don't let DS jump on the furniture, but they kept allowing their kids to jump on the couch. DH and I gave in and let DS join in, because it seemed awkward to put up a fight at the moment. In retrospect, I wish we had just taken DS to another room and said something like, "We don't jump on the couch, do we?" We repeated the fact that we don't let DS jump on the furniture, but they didn't seem to process the info or care.
Would that be a good way to handle that type of situation? WWYD?

[s7714]

If they were at my house, I would tell the other people's children they aren't allowed to jump on the furniture period, regardless of what they do in their own home. IMO that's just rude if your friends are letting their kids do that. If they aren't going to bother controlling their DCs while at your house, then lay down the law yourself. IMO your house = your rules. If they don't like it, suggest you get together at their house next time (where I'd still keep my DCs from jumping on the furniture even if their DCs are doing it). Either that or tell your friends they'll have to give a cash deposit at the door the next time they visit, to cover any furniture damage caused by their kids. (I'm joking...but slightly serious ;) )

I am a bit biased on the subject of furniture jumping however, as I myself tested the bouncing capabilities of a sleeper sofa as a child and paid for it with a broken arm when I bounced right off. (I constantly fear that my mom's "just wait till you have kids" curse is going to result in a similar incident in my house, thus my no furniture jumping rule.)

Jennifer
Mommy to
DD 3/03
DD 6/05

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[Melanie]

How awkward. I think that since you politely said it's not allowed, they should have stopped their children.

I think I would have first said something to the parents and then, nicely as you would to your child, explained it to the children when the parents didn't seem to listen. Maybe in a positive way like, "we don't jump on furniture but lets' go blah blah blah and jump there."

Edited for clarity.

[mommyj_2]

Thanks for the replies. In both instances, I was totally shocked, and I'm sure I didn't react as well as I could have, just because I was surprised that they didn't ask their DC's to stop even after I said we don't allow DS to jump on the furniture.

[linsei]

I could have written your post. DS never jumped on the furniture until my niece came over to visit and he learned it from her. My SIL did nothing, so I had to be the one to reprimand her as she jumped from chair to ottoman to couch. I give SIL (or whoever) time to intervene, and if she doesn't, then I don't feel a bit guilty explaining our rules to the child. "You can jump on the ground, but not the couch."

Linda

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[Rachels]

Wow. I can't imagine your friends not stopping their children from doing that. That's outrageous. I think in the same situation I would have told the kids that that's just not allowed at our house (which it isn't). And then if they didn't stop, I would say to the parents, "I really need your help with this. I just don't want to have our furniture jumped on."

-Rachel
Mama to Abigail Rose
5/18/02
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Nursed for three years!

and Ethan James
10/19/05
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"When you know better, you do better."
Maya

[chlobo]

Wow, I can't imagine someone letting their kids jump on your furniture. How rude, whether you allow it or not. I mean how would they know that when they started. I wouldn't invite them over again. Obviously they have no concern for your stuff.

[mudder17]

I agree with Jennifer. I've been taking Kaya to a friend's house once a week, and in their house, their kids can't stand on the couches. Kaya can in our house because she's really careful and she doesn't try to climb the back the way her friends have in the past. She also does not jump on the furniture (not that she can jump yet). Anyway, she knows that when we go to her friends' house (they're twins), she has to sit on the chairs and can not stand up in them. I try to be conscious about other people's rules because my feeling is that it's just good manners and it's their house, so their rules must be followed.

In our house, we don't have too many rules, although none of us wear shoes in our house. But I haven't stopped other kids or guests from wearing their shoes because DH grew up with shoes and I just decided it wasn't that big a deal. However, for something like climbing things that are unsafe (which I would not allow for Kaya), I would just tell the parent, "We don't allow kids to climb that because of the danger." If the parent either didn't notice their kid doing it later or failed to stop him/her, then I would just gently go the child and say, "Oh, that's dangerous, why don't you come over here." Fortunately, our playgroup is small (5-6 kids) and we all help each other with each other's kids and that sometimes means stopping each other's kids from doing something that shouldn't be done.


Eileen

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[bcky2]

we have had this happen and i do take my child out of the room and tell them again this is something we dont do. i have also been known to tell him that in life we dont always need to do what we see others doing. i do then tell the parents that we dont allow it and could you please get so and so to stop. we had one set of friends that didnt have their child stop ever so now we dont have them over. that may sound kinda harsh but it was to the point that she was doing things where she could get hurt and i didnt want to see that happen.

[overcome]

Forget about telling the parents...I speak directly to the children. This usually works.

I'm a 1st grade teacher so my teacher side instantly comes out. If it seems a little awkward after I say something to the kids I usually make a little joke about the teacher in me.

[JBaxter]

Im w/ Jennifer and Eileen when children come to our house they go boy our rules. I host a playgroup quite often w/ anywhere from 4 to 10 2yr olds and I simply say We dont jump on the sofas here.

[boogiemom]

I'm the same way. I do find it works better and the parents seem to take it better too.

I also have always told my son that his mommy might have different rules than other mommies. They get to decide the rules for their children and I get to decide the rules for mine. This has come up alot for us as my son's best friend is allowed to do things I would NEVER let my son do. She doesn't do them at my house because I won't allow it. When we are at her house, I just tell my son that he still follows my rules and she can follow her moms rules. He really doesn't even question it anymore. If you are consistent, it becomes a non-issue.

[bunnisa]

I wouldn't hesitate to say something to the children, and I hope that other parents would do the same if roles were reversed.

I'd probably say, "Please don't jump on the furniture -- we don't want anyone to get hurt." Imagine if they fell! When it comes to safety issues, there's no grey area for me.

I have corrected children in other situations. For example: a boy (no younger than 7) at a mall play area was kicking his 3 or 4 y.o. brother in the face. Or the little boy at the playground shouting cuss words while his grandparent ignored it.

Bethany
mom to one and one on the way!
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"And children are always a good thing, devoutly to be wished for and fiercely to be fought for."
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[SeekerMage]

I agree to talk to the children directly. Firmly but nicely say we do not jump on the furniture...gee I dont want you to get hurt honey why dont you go do XYZ. If it continues get nasty then pull them off if the parents dont. You dont want something happening and have to pay the akward price if someone gets hurt.

[JacksMommy]

It's bizarre that the parents didn't take your twice-repeated hint, but I agree about talking directly to the kids. You didn't say what your reasons for not jumping on the furniture are (safety, cleanliness, preserving your furniture) but I might shy away from making statements that you don't want the kids to get hurt as the parents might assume you are just thinking of the child's welfare and say, "Oh, I think kids need to learn those lessons for themselves" or "Oh, Jack is very coordinated and really quite safe in his couch-jumping." If you need to address the parents, I just think it's better to say something nonnegotiable, such as "We have a house rule about no jumping on the furniture and I don't want DS to see me permitting other kids to do so when he isn't allowed to" or "The kids jumping on the couch is making me nervous, it needs to stop." Probably there are more graceful ways (I'm known for my bluntness).

Laurel
WOHM to Jack, 6/4/02
Baby Madeline 12/14/04

[cmdunn1972]

The statement you made was directed towards your own child. However, it wasn't your DS who started the jumping on the furniture game, was it? If the issue was eating too many sweets I might bend the rules a bit, but allowing kids to jump on furniture has more serious repercussions. I would direct the comments more towards your guests' kids. Say to the kids, "While you might be allowed to jump on furniture at home, we don't jump on furniture in this house." Then tell them to stop. If the parents protest, state your reasons (safety, wear and tear, etc.) for the "no jumping" rule.

ET Clarify