How normal is competitiveness in 4-year old boys?

[momto2boys]

My neighbor/friend has mentioned to me, on several occasions, that my DS is much more 'competitive' than her DS. He'll say things like he's smarter than her son or "I win" when they're running to a door, etc. He's occasionally made these comments to me and I tell him they are both winners/equally smart, etc. My DH says this is normal behavior among boys but she disagrees. I'm starting to get annoyed with her because she is always making comments about my DS. Granted, he's no angel but I'm proud that he's not a tattle-tale or whiner and has terrific manners.

DH says if she continues with her comments we should not let the boys play together. I disagree because I think it is just a stage he is going through. I make it a point to no longer 'race' with DS or say that I know the answer to something he disagrees with because "I'm older and smarter". Now I just have to get DH to re-phrase his responses to DS.

Have any other mamas on the board encountered this behavior with your DS or DD? If so, how did you handle it?

Any suggestions and/or advice is appreciated,
Kathy

DS #1 - 12/01
DS #2 - 11/03
DS #3 - edd 7/06

[mainepotato]

I think it's typical for 4-year-olds. My 4-yr-old DD is the same way with us.. she wants to be the first one buckled into her carseat, the first one to go potty, the first one to take a bite at dinner, the first one to get dressed. The other day in the dentist's waiting room, she told a nonverbal toddler, "I'm four years old. That means I'm way bigger than you are." I said, "Ava!" and then apologized to the parents, and she came and asked me why I apologized, "But I AM way bigger."

I address it when it hurts other kids' feelings, like you do when you say that they're both winners/equally smart. I would say, this one can be first this time, the other one can be first next time, or I'd suggest a way for them to work together. In private I would explain how it feels to be last all the time and what we can do to make sure her friends have fun too.

When we play games at home, we make sure that she has experiences with both winning and losing, and when we "lose" at something we try to model being a good sport, emphasizing that it was still fun to play the game and maybe it will turn out differently next time.

I think most competition is good and healthy, so I don't want her to lose that drive; I mainly just want to teach her to have good sportsmanship and be mindful of others' feelings.

I wish I had some suggestions on how to handle your friend. I'd be annoyed too!

[JacksMommy]

My friend's DS went through this when he was 4, he and all his little friends (same age) were fixated on testing who was stronger, faster, etc and tended towards fits of unhappiness when they were not as strong, fast as someone else. This is more than likely just a phase and will die out if it doesn't get too much attention, IMO. But you could do some education about manners with regards to bragging and PPs suggestion of downplaying the statements seem useful too. I probably wouldn't necessarily say things like "you're both equally smart" but you could say things like "you are both very smart."

I'm hearing that the main issue is with the mom, not necessarily the child, yes? If you are thinking about no longer letting them play together because of her comments, it might be time to say something to her. I would find it very difficult to socialize with someone who was constantly making judgmental comments about my child.

Laurel
WOHM to Jack, 6/4/02
Baby Madeline 12/14/04