Expecting Baby #2, looking for some words of wisdom esp from SAHM

[jacksmomtobe]

I'm expecting baby #2 and my mind has been racing with questions. I was hoping others with 2 would give me some advice based on their experiences. What would you do differently in hind sight in preparing child #1 for their siblings arrival? What did you do that you felt really helped child #1 transition? I'm a stay at home Mom who in Sept finally decided to have a sitter come in a few hours a week. I felt it was important that ds get used to being with other caretakers. It's been a good experience however our sitter just returned from her month long college break and ds is taking time to adjust. Even though he loves her he has been clinging to me while she is here esp if he senses that I might leave the room. I did see some progress the last time she was here but I'm concerned about when I got into the hospital (long way off but it's on my mind). For one thing our current baby sitter won't be available in the summer so someone else will have to be helping with ds. Also dh does little in regard to ds's care ie feeding, bathing, etc (sort of takes the I work all week attitude plus does a significant amt of travel for work & sometimes works too late to participate). I plan on mandating some cross training for dh asap so that he can take care of the basics while I'm gone. DH plays with him but isn't used to dealing with him when things aren't going smoothly. Luckily DS is a very easy going child and his meltdowns are pretty limited but I'm concerned that DH will get stressed out when sometimes you just have to let the little guy get upset. DS really wants Mommy these days and is so used to spending so much time with me. A friend who had #2 in Sept didn't have child #1 come to the hospital since she figured it would upset child #1. At this point I'm planning on having another csection so delivery can be scheduled but that will mean being in the hospital 5 days so there is no way I can't see ds for that period of time but I'm concerned he will freak out when it's time to leave me and the experience will be upsetting. I plan on weaning ds before #2's arrival no matter what. I would appreciate any words of wisdom. With #1 I had two friends who had babies a few months before me and hearing their experiences really helped me mentally prepare for what I was in for.

Thanks!

[s7714]

The major issue my older DD had, was me "disappearing" overnight when I had the baby. Like you, I had a c/s with my first, so I had my repeat c/s all scheduled, my MIL coming to stay with DD and was gearing her up for me to leave that way. Well, DD2 had other plans, and she arrived a week ahead of my scheduled date (and not even by c/s, but rather a surprising VBAC). I've heard a lot of people say that if you are leaving for the hospital, you should wake up the older child so they can say goodbye, etc. Well, I literally had no time for that. Luckily it was a quick delivery, so DH was back home within two hours of us leaving and thus there when DD1 woke up in the morning. How she would have reacted if neither DH or I was there in the morning, I don't know, but I'm sure it would have been a major-major panic and meltdown. I most certainly had her come visit me in the hospital though, because I think it would have been more upsetting for her to not see me, even for only a day and a half!

I guess my main advice would be to start explaining to your DS about a month before your due date that sometimes babies are born in the middle of the night, and if that happens, a certain person (include your emergency sitter and the planned sitter if they are two different people, just in case! ;) ) will be there in the morning to take care of him while Mommy and Daddy are at the hospital. And of course that he'll get to come visit you and the new baby in the hospital as soon as the doctor says it's o.k. I wouldn't get into telling him that you may be gone for several nights as I think that's just too much for a toddler to deal with at once.

As far as the day to day dealings while I was in the hospital or right after I returned home, the best thing for us just seemed to be having lots of distraction methods on hand. New toys, new activities, etc. For instance, my MIL gave my DD a play doctor's kit (that I had bought in advance) when DD was getting worried and antsy about coming to visit me for the first time. When my MIL gave her the doctor's kit, she said DD could bring it with her to the hospital so she could "check me out" and make sure I was doing o.k. DD was so excited about getting to bring the doctor's kit to the hospital with her, that it seemed to distract her from a "I don't know where my Mommy is" to a "I get to show Mommy my new toy!" frame of mind. My DDs' ped. recommended that we have DD2 get a gift to "give" to DD1 when we brought her home, but I never had time to set that one up, so we just told DD1 that all the balloons were for her from DD2, as she loves balloons. ;)

Jennifer
Mommy to
DD 3/03
DD 6/05

Calling fellow BBB SoCal moms...we'd love to meet you!
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/babybargainssocal/

[Momof3Labs]

We're not far enough yet to give you pearls of wisdom (plus DS is very, very comfortable with both Daddy and Grandma as caregivers, too), but I wanted to say that a 2yo is VERY different than a 2.5yo, so the things that you are worrying about now are likely to change a lot between now and then.

But definitely get him used to someone else taking care of him - perhaps Daddy can take a week off late in the summer and "practice"? Or whoever will be with him when you are in the hospital (not DH, I assume) can come work with him?

[janeybwild]

Just to ask what sort of activities does your sitter do with DS? I found that us all hanging around the house was a bad thing regarding the clinginess....the prospect of a (short) special trip to the park with the sitter or to get an ice cream cone worked well to get DD used to being out and about without me. I would then talk about her outing with her and let her know how much I love hearing about her "day" out.
DD#1 did come to the hospital, which was a highlight of the stay. I sure missed her for one, so can only imagine how much she missed me. There were a few tears at goodbye time, but she was distracted somewhat by the cool toy DD#2 gave her. DH said she was fine by the time they reached the car. In general, independence increased for DD#1 a huge amount from age 2 to 2 1/2 as Lori said in a pp. Good luck!

[Karenn]

I didn't get a chance to carefully read all the replies, so sorry if this is repeated info. One suggestion we got here was to make sure that the baby was not in my arms when my older child came to see me at the hospital. We had MIL call ahead (or send FIL as a runner or something) when they were in the lobby so that we could put the baby in the hospital bassinet. That way he didn't some other "baby" in my arms and immediatly feel "replaced." It was probably a good five minutes before we even called DS attention to the baby. He was busy reuniting with us and seeing all his family. After he was settled, we sort of matter of factly said, "Oh, do you want to see the baby?" Then everyone else held her and DS had a chance to hold her too. She sort of eased into the picture from DS perspective.

[cvharris]

I had the same worries about my oldest and he did great while I was in the hospital. Like others have said, you will be surprised at how much your DS will mature in the next few months. I also think that having your DH take over some more of the parenting responsibilities for your DS now will help a lot. Now with two at home, I really rely on DH to help out A LOT, especially with our oldest.

As for the birth, our oldest stayed at home with my parents when our youngest was born. They had been staying with us for a week before the birth and had watched him a few times that week without us so he was used to having them around. He wasn't upset at all. In fact, the times he would act upset was just for my benefit - as soon as I would leave he would be perfectly fine. What we did with hospital visits is have DH go home to get DS, bring him to the hospital to see me, and then DH would go back home with him and spend some time with him each day. He always asked for me to come home with them too but it helped that DH was going along and that he wasn't leaving both of us behind, KWIM? My mom would stay with me at the hospital when DH was at home.

Carolee
Mama to Ben (6/03) and Nate (12/05)

[amp]

I was very concerned about leaving my toddler while I had my CS. My mom came to take care of him. I just did the best I could to prep him for the upcoming events. Just as we talked about the baby coming, we also talked about how Gramma would be there and how Mommy and Daddy would be at the hospital, and that Gramma and Papa would bring him there to see Mommy and Daddy and to meet his baby sister. We talked about it a LOT! And we took him to the hospital for the tour when we did our pre-registration stuff. We explained that it was the place where we would have baby sister and that mommy would be in a bed just like that one and that I wouldn't be able to walk around or lift him right away, but that he could come sit on the bed and read or cuddle with me. He was a little upset when it was time to leave us each day, but he was fine by the time he got to the parking lot. My parents talked to him constantly about what we did at the hospital, how great a big brother he was and when they were going to see each of us again. And they had him tell the story to anyone who would listen so he could be really proud! They also tried to keep him a little busy with playing and outings as distraction! We also made sure that baby was in the bassinet when he arrived, so he got a great big welcome from me and came right up on the bed for hugs and kisses before he even met his sister. And, his sister gave him a present, which was exciting! And when we got home from the hospital, we had a stash of distraction and reward toys for him. He's handled the transition suberbly!

FWIW, he's still processing the whole hospital scenario and talks about it sometimes, but he seems to have handled the disruption and his own fears really, really well.

[s7714]

I forgot, but we did that as well. DH called my room from his cell to let me know they were in the lobby. I think it's a good idea to do this as well!

Jennifer
Mommy to
DD 3/03
DD 6/05

Calling fellow BBB SoCal moms...we'd love to meet you!
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/babybargainssocal/

[Sarah1]

This was my plan too, but DH FORGOT to call me when they were on their way up. when Audrey came in, I was holding Oscar in my arms, nursing him. Thank goodness, when she saw us she just asked, 'Is that my baby brother?" and was really excited. I was soooooo worried she was going to freak out.

I just wanted to add that I don't think there is anything that can truly prepare a child for the arrival of a new sibling. The most important thing is just to find opportunities to give your DS as much attention as possible. It isn't easy, but just take things one day at a time and you'll muddle through.

[kristy]

Act like it is no big deal. Seriously. The better Mom and Dad take it, the better ds will take it. If you act like his world is "changing" he'll be worried. IMO, its better to act pretty matter of factly - Mommy's having another baby. I'll be in the hospital and you'll come visit me with daddy. Then we'll bring the baby home.

If your dh is like my dh, he is much more competant with young children than he likes to appear. He will get by. Really.

Can your mom or mil come to help dh?

[C99]

>This was my plan too, but DH FORGOT to call me when they were
>on their way up. when Audrey came in, I was holding Oscar in
>my arms, nursing him. Thank goodness, when she saw us she just
>asked, 'Is that my baby brother?" and was really excited. I
>was soooooo worried she was going to freak out.

This is what happened with us, too. Only I didn't ever have the "call me before you come up" plan in place and Rose happened to be nursing when Nathaniel walked in. He climbed up on the bed and gave me a big hug anyway. I gave him lots of attention, but he was really interested and excited by the baby too.

>I just wanted to add that I don't think there is anything that
>can truly prepare a child for the arrival of a new sibling.
>The most important thing is just to find opportunities to give
>your DS as much attention as possible. It isn't easy, but just
>take things one day at a time and you'll muddle through.

I agree with this wholeheartedly. I remember reading threads like this one w/ great interest when I was pregnant, and the responses were much the same as the responses here. Everyone who is expecting #2 has these fears and everyone gets through them. You do it and your child adjusts because there just isn't another choice. Nathaniel was 27 months when Rose was born and while he does occasionally remember things that happened before she was born, they are not generally in the context of, "Remember when we did this when it was just you, me and Daddy?" If he remembers that Rose wasn't around then, Nate doesn't bring it up. We told Nate that he was going to have a baby sibling and was going to be a big brother (which were concepts that were lost on him), and read Joanna Cole's I'm a Big Brother book to him a lot while I was pregnant, but otherwise, there was not a lot we did to prepare him for the new baby.

As far as being left overnight goes...the choice was taken away from me anyway when I was on bedrest, had a scare and was in the hospital overnight. So Nate spent the night with his grandparents. Although he was excited to see me the next morning, he really was fine. I think my being on bedrest was actually a good thing for Nathaniel's relationship with his grandmother especially. She came in once/week for 6-7 weeks to take Nate on outings, etc. and their r/ship flourished.

[jacksmomtobe]

Thanks for everyone's feedback. It's good to know that gifts from the baby to child #1 seem to be a good distraction and may make him leaving the hospital after visiting me easier. I am hopeful that since he will be a bit older then that will also make things go more smoothly. I'm very eager to figure out a plan for ds's care asap so that if he needs to get used to someone new he will have more than enough time to do that. Unfortunately my mil is deceased. My Mom is in her 70's (an active 70 but not a fan of driving esp at night) though she is willing to help. My brother however has been using her a lot for his kids lately and I know even though she loves all the little guys it is very tiring for her to watch them. I unlike my brother try to use her in limited situations. Also though dh and her get along they aren't overly comfortable with each other so I don't think he would be too keen on having her here a lot. My SIL is a labor & delivery nurse but she has her own 2 kids and will be remarrying a month after I give birth so I'm sure she will be very busy and distracted. I'll keep brainstorming though and appreciate the tips!

Thanks!