Parenting dilemma, WWYD?

[trumansmom]

Apparently, I suck as a mom. Here's the background:

Truman was in daycare full time until about a year and half ago. After that, he and his sister have been home with me, except one day a week, and for preschoold two mornings a week. He is truly a spirited child, and has been a challenge for us at home as well as in daycare. He's smart, funny, sensitive and loving, but when he loses it, he has virtually no ability to self soothe, and it takes him a long, long time, and a LOT of one on one attention to calm down.

At the beginning of December, I was offered a 2 month consulting contract. Both kids were put back in daycare. Truman thrived. His moods leveled out. He slept better. We enjoyed our evenings so, so much with him. And his learning went through the roof! I had literally told my SIL at Thanksgiving that I thought he might be a little slow. Now he's waaaaay more advanced than any of the other kids in his preschool. It's like the little guy just blossomed.

Anyway, this was the first week having the kids back home full time. It's been a nightmare with Truman. He's not sleeping very well, he had an hour and a half screaming tantrum (first one in weeks and weeks), and was very, very disruptive in preschool this morning. I've been trying so hard to keep him busy. We've had activities every morning, we've done worksheets and worked on letters in the afternoon, we've made cookies, etc. However, if I leave him alone for more than a few minutes, say, to do laundry or pee, he gets very, very belligerent, and I have to spend forever getting him back on an even keel.

So now I'm wondering what to do. Do I put him back in daycare full time? We really can't afford it, unless I find some way to make the extra money. I don't want to go back to work because DD clearly needs to be home. Even though she loved the social part of daycare, since she's been home, she's sleeping better and has been much, much happier.

I guess I'm leaning toward finding some way to work out daycare. But I haven't had this conversation with DH yet, and I know he will say absolutely not. He's kind of cheap by nature, and is always worried about money. Without a clearcut answer as to how we're going to pay for it, I don't know how to approach him.

The weird thing is that I went to the daycare director's office today before his preschool class was over to talk to her about this. (The preschool and the daycare are owned by the same person.) She actually ended up bringing it up before I got a chance.

Sorry this is so rambling. But I guess what my actual question is how should I approach my DH with this? And any great ideas where I could make the extra money?

And feel free to tell me I'm not a crappy mommy. Of, if you think I am, feel free to tell me that, too. :(

Jeanne
Mom to Truman 11/01 and Eleanor 4/04
Independent Consultant, Do-Re-Me & You!

[sidmand]

I don't have any good advice, but I saw your first line and had to write because even though I don't know you except on the boards I KNOW you don't suck as a mom! And I know it must hurt so much when you see your DS thriving in a situation you can't seem to replicate.

DS is no where near that age, but he loves being around people and though I didn't intend for him to be in daycare, I've been thinking at some point, he might just enjoy it more than just interacting with me.

Any chance of getting more of the consulting work you were doing? Could you go after it more aggressively? And then you could afford to have Truman in daycare?

It could also just be the transition back and forth. He's probably grown up quite a bit in that year and a half, so it might be hard to know how much of what happened could be attributed to just growing into himself vs. daycare. But going from fulltime daycare to fulltime mommy-care could just be a tough transition and he would level back out on his own?

Like I said, not much advice I'm afraid, but lots and lots of hugs!

Debbie

Mom to Sawyer!
http://lilypie.com/baby1/060607/0/3/1/-5/.png[/img] ([img)

[Vajrastorm]

I don't know what I would do, but you are so NOT a crappy mom. Some children need extra stimulation, and frankly one person, no matter how fantastic he/she is, will not do. I may or may not *cough cough* know a child like this. [Ok, I admit it, she's downstairs in the living room and she's mine. :D]

One person cannot be as complex a social world as a preschool. My dd goes nuts if she has to spend all day with me and just me. She absolutely needs more stimulation and social interaction than one person can provide.

Ah, she calls need to run.

[annasmom]

Oh Jeanne, You do NOT suck as a mom! Some kids just seem to thrive in different environments, and I guess Truman must be one of them! Please do not blame yourself or think that you are not a good mom. I know this is easier said than done, and I am SURE I would feel the exact same way as you. But please don't be too hard on yourself!

Unfortunately I do not have much advice to give. It's a tough call, especially b/c of the financial aspect. Maybe you can find a part-time day care situation and that would be good enough for him, and not as expensive for you?

Best of luck to you!

[Momof3Labs]

Jeanne, you do not suck as a mom!

What did the daycare director have to say about it? I'd suggest talking with the daycare and preschool people and seeing if you can pinpoint what it was about daycare that really worked for Truman. Maybe he'd do better in a 5 day a week preschool?? Maybe he really misses the social interaction with his peers (I've noticed such a shift in DS regarding this over the last 6-9 months).

Of course, this was his first week back into the old routine. I wouldn't make huge decisions about everyone's future based on the first few days back into things. Maybe he needs more time to transition back into the old schedule, but in a couple of weeks will be thriving again? Would some good, long playdates help smooth out the day for him?

Hang in there, and try to sneak in some mommy time this weekend!!

[brittone2]

No advice at all, but you SOOOOO do NOT suck as a mom. Just had to say that :)

[mommyj_2]

Hugs.
You totally don't suck as a mom! We all know that's not true. Is there a way you could put Truman in daycare part-time? I'm sure it's hard for him to be at home all the time, since he's used to being around kids and playing all day. My DS only goes to preschool in the mornings (for less than 3 hours/day), but I find that he really loves it. I think by 3 or 4, a lot of children really love the interaction they get in preschool and/or daycare (and I totally wouldn't have said this before DS had been going to preschool for a while). I think that US society is so isolated, it makes life hard for moms, and hard for children. Kids love being around other kids, and socializing, playing, and doing kid stuff. Of course, they love being with their mommy's too, but my DS has a look of pure joy around his friends because they have so much fun playing together. I've actually started inviting more friends over on the weekends, because it's so much fun to watch him play with his friends. Of course, he gets plenty of time with me as well. We're only apart 3 hours/day, but I do notice that he's really gotten into being with his friends now that he's two and a half.
That was my long and rambling way of saying that maybe a part-time preschool or day care would be great. Or, if he really loves full-time, you can try to figure out a way to make it work for you. Good luck! And, please don't beat yourself up. The fact that you've seen the changes in him means you're in tune with him.

[muskiesusan]

Well, if you suck, so do I, as I have many of the same issues with Nick!! Since I don't think I am a crappy mom, I don't think you are, either, lol.

Nick has never been in fulltime daycare, but our days sound like yours when you have Truman at home. Do you have an option for a 5 day a week preschool? My world became so much better once Nick started his Montessori preschool, 5 days for 3 hours each day. While he loves preschool, he would not do well if it wasn't everyday. He thrives on routine and needs the consistency of going everyday. After I pick him up, we have lunch and then he gets one on one time with me while Alex naps. This has all helped his behavior tenfold.

Days off school have been rough, but much more manageable since I know he will be returning soon. Oh, and I just pee in the morning while he is at school.....


Susan
Mom to Nick 10/01
& Alex 04/04

[BeachBaby]

Jeanne, you are so not a crappy mommy! I only have a second but wanted to see if working at the daycare with Eleanor is an option to pay for Truman's preschool? So, she could be with you and Truman could be in school? I have no idea if this is feasible, but it was the first thing I thought of and wanted to offer it up.

Hope things get better soon!

[Roleysmom]

Jeanne, you absolutely positively do not suck as a mom. Oh, how do I know? I just do. And I'm always right. Just ask my DH. :P

I really like Lori's advice about asking the director if she can pinpoint what worked particularly well for Truman at daycare to get a better sense of what he needs. I also second Lori's and Susan's idea about full-week preschool. My only thought is that the transitions may be hard for him and maybe he thrived in day care because he knew that he was going to the same place each day and developed a sense of what to expect. When we first started Roley in preschool three days a week, she had a hard time in the beginning with the two off days, so that's why that's jumping out at me. She loves going five mornings a week now. Five-mornings-a-week preschool could provide that same routine and should be just as academically enriching as the day care.

If I were your DH, full time daycare would be a hard sell with me, but I'd have a much easier time agreeing with more time in preschool.

You are a great mom trying to do what's best for her family!

Paula
Mom to Roley Julia, January '02

[Zana]

Wow, this topic really struck a chord with me. I work full time, but my salary basically covers DS's dayacre+ a little extra. Now that we are thinking of #2, a big option is becoming a SAHM. But the thing is DS absolutely loves and blossoms in daycare. Like you mentioned, we have a wonderful time when gets home and its great. But I can see full time looking after him being a real challenge..I dont know if its because he mentally identifies daycare as an atmosphere where he learns/plays with his little friends and therefore follows rules and is better stimulated and similarly he distinguishes home as a place where mama and dada are there to entertain him and that he can get away with so much more!

I have no real advice, unless you can find a part-time job/or just bugdet so that it would cover a few days a week of daycare? Certainly from your post you do so much at home with him - I can only aspire to being that kind of SAHM!! So please do not feel that you are a crappy mommy!! I hope it all works out.

[kijip]

I would look into 5 day preschool as a compromise.

You are not a terrible mom!

[jesseandgrace]

Some kids need this type of thing, my ds certainly does. When we moved to California 2 years ago (ds was 3), we found a preschool/daycare within 3 days of our arrival! We are lucky in that it turned out to be tyhe best school ever, absolutely wonderful, but he needed the outlet and the playtime, and by the time we had driven across the country with our 2 kids we needed the break too, lol. What has worked for us is to send him everyday, for a half day. He is now in Kindergarten, and it is only 3 hours and 20 minutes a day, so we have added ice skating on Tuesdays, and Gymnastics on Fridays. He also likes frequent play dates here or at his friends house. If he were home with us he would never say he didn't like it, but he would start getting very loud, wild, and fresh. He LOVES school. If you think about it, adults are like this too. Some people love being out and about, going out to parties, etc., and some like to stay home most of the time. You are being a good mom by taking his needs into considerstion.

[daisyandacorn]

You don't sound like a bad mom at all, quite the opposite. :)
It sounds as if you're doing a lot with him during the day, I'd bet that he just misses the big group of kids and everything that goes along with that. Apples and oranges y'know? I wouldn't take it personally (I know it's hard not to).
As for speaking to your husband, I'd just really stress how much you think he blossomed during his time there, and how much better you feel it is for his development. That's something that's pretty hard for him to argue(no matter how cheap).
Good luck!
Susan

[tarabenet]

You are most definitely not a crappy mom!

Sounds like maybe Truman is showing early extrovert tendencies (to say the least). Seriously, going back to the old Myers-Briggs stuff, extroverts get refueled and fed by being around other people. They need that contact to feel whole. Truman may truly need to be with lots of kids to be able to be himself. And to make things fun for you, sounds like Eleanor is turning out to be more of an introvert (my kinda girl!).

I'm with Katie, maybe 5-day preschool would help him have the balance he requires, so you can all have peaceful and fun family time at the end of the day and on the weekends.

Big hugs! I hope you get this worked out for him and for you very quickly.

[Marisa6826]

You are SOOOO not a crappy Mommy. You are aware that Truman needs more stimulation and you're looking for a way to do that. A crappy Mommy would put her head in the sand and ignore the obvious.

Since the daycare Director is totally onboard about Truman NEEDING this, can she negotiate a sliding scale for the tuition of preschool? I'm wondering if he goes part time if it would be sufficient (he was going FT to day care, right?). Tell S that this is just the way it's going to be and enroll Truman if she can get the price down for you. Preschool is definitely more appropriate for his age at this point. And besides, it would help him make the transition to K next year. Tell S to put that in his hat and smoke it. :P

I hate to suggest it, but maybe trade one of your weekends away for part of the tuition? It may make your need to disappear a little less if everybody's happy. 'Cause if Truman's not happy, nobody's happy!

Ooooh. I just had an idea. What about offering the director a trade - Truman's partial tuition in exchange for either being a classroom or nursery Mommy? It might be a happy medium for everybody. Eleanor would still have your attention, Truman would get the stimulation he needs, and she'd be getting free labour.

Hugs Girlie. You're figure it out. I have faith in you. ;)

-m

[writermama]

You sound like a fantastic mom, frankly. You planned all those worksheets and all of that stimulation? And you're noticing these cues and trying to find a solution. Sounds like first class mommy skills!

The other thing it sounds like is that your DS is an extrovert. Maybe he would respond well to playgroups?

Maybe there are other free/low cost places that you can take him where he can interact with other kids, too? We just got a membership to an indoor play place. Maybe music classes, art classes or gymnastics would help give your DS the kind of group activity he seems to crave.

In talking to your DH about the daycare/preschool possibility, I'd say the way you brought it up here is the best way to go -- it's a question of wanting to do the best thing for your child.

One last piece of homework for you: walk over to a mirror, look in it, and say, "I love my kids, I'm doing what's best for them, and I'm a good mommy." ;)

Good luck with whatever you decide,

[nov04]

I don't have any advice, just wanted to say that its wonderful you're so intune to what your kids need, however different those needs are.

I'm sure you'll find the money.

[american_mama]

Is this an option in your area: a free preschool that is run through the school district as a blended classroom between developmentally delayed and typically developing children? You might call the school district and ask. A friend locally is sending her 3 year old to a preschool of this sort, in part because her daughter has a friend with Down's Syndrome. And also because she likes saving money and isn't in love with her daughter's current preschool. If you find such a program, talk to the director about how Truman might do in that environment.

[Bethann31]

Jeanne, you are a great mom!! I agree with PPs that 5 day a week preschool sounds like it may be a good idea for him. I know that Katherine does much better when she has somewhere to be, for at least part of every day.


Beth
mom to:

Josh 3/90
Mollie 4/92
Jeffrey 12/94
Katherine 6/03


http://tickers.baby-gaga.com/t/lamlamsvi20030604_4_Katherine+Grace+is.png

[trumansmom]

Thanks for all your kind words and ideas. Today ended up being a much better day than yesterday. In fact, mid-afternoon Truman randomly stopped me and said, "Hey mommy? I'm sorry about yesterday. I said some really, really mean things and I didn't mean them. It wasn't nice." Just about melted my heart.

Unfortunately, many of the suggestions just won't work in our situation. I live in tiny town of approximately 2,000 people. Our preschool is THE preschool, and 5 days a week isn't an option. There is only one slot open at the daycare and it's full time, and it's only open because she's held it open for us just in case. This daycare is really wonderful. The director "gets" Truman and does a wonderful job of intuitively knowing how to get him to respond and calm down. It's a place where I don't just feel like my kids are being taken care of, but know that they are actually being loved. However, they just had to raise their rates (only the second time in the 6 years they have been open. The director/owner has cut her own salary twice to avoid doing this.), and a reduced rate wouldn't be possible. Also, since it's such a small town, they have virtually zero turnover, and there are no jobs available there. (Besides the fact that I would be a ROTTEN daycare provider!)

I think we're going to give it another week or two and see how the transition goes. The spot will be open through the end of the month, so I do have a little time to decide. And if we have many more nights like last night, I'm guessing DH will be begging me to put him back in!

Thank you again everyone. I posted at a really rough time in my day, and your support meant a lot to me.

Jeanne
Mom to Truman 11/01 and Eleanor 4/04
Independent Consultant, Do-Re-Me & You!