TV, Discipline and Tantrums (xposted from Toddler Bargains)

[Fairy]

I've always been a very strict NO TV parent, and we've been fairly consistent with this. However, a few weeks ago, my 17-month-old son had pneumonia and had breathing treatments. We had to actively monitor his activity level so that his breathing didn't become labored through heightened activity. I tried crayons and realized just in time that he was too young for play doh, and we tried books and books and books. He loves books, but there are only so many of those he can stand in an entire day. Couldn't take him out of the house for about 4 or 5 days, we could play but he couldn't get too excited, and the cabin fever was more than he could stand. So, I relented and upped his 30-minutes a day (on a very liberal day) of Sesame Street to a few hours. I'd do it again, thank god it kept him calm and his wheezing was under control.

Well, he's better now, but he a) figured out how to turn the TV on without the remote, b) wants that TV ALL THE TIME, c) throws a non-stop crying jag if he doesn't get it, and d) has a tantrum if he sees that his crying jag is not having an effect. This happens a few times a day now for the last week that he's been recovered and we no longer let him watch all the Ernie & Bert that he wants. We've set the TV on the XM music stations that DirecTV offers so that when he turns it on, he gets music and no picture -- which is boring for him, so that works. But we don't want him to turn it on at all, and he's being completely defiant and does it even tho we say no TV. Am I shocked? No. Time for discipline to curb this, but I've realized that I have no idea where to begin in disciplining a tot that's not yet a true toddler but no longer a baby.

He's 17 months old, I don't believe in spanking, and I don't know how to enforce a time out at 17-months-old. Does anyone have any recommendations on discipline that will address this?

Thanks so much.

[brittone2]

They just don't have the impulse control to stop themselves at that age, even if they seem to get the concept of "no." Sometimes just reframing what you are seeing helps...try not to look at it as defiance. (yeah, I know, tough to do sometimes!!) He's just curious about the TV, he doesn't get why the rules have suddenly changed, and he's letting you know he's upset in the only way he can right now...he doesn't have access to the verbal abilities of an adult to talk with you about it, so it comes out as a tantrum. He can't understand that his mom doesn't think it is healthy for him to watch a lot of TV...he probably just really likes the flashing lights and noises. He also may not be feeling 100% yet?

Some things I've read and learned that have stuck with me are that a tantrum is just an immature expression of emotion. In and of itself, it is IMO not a bad thing. I don't let DS have whatever he wants, but I don't try to stop the tantrum. (in a public place we'll leave until he calms down, but I don't "punish" the tantrum). I try to give him a script for labeling what he's feeling so that as he gets older he'll hopefully express himself more verbally and less physically. I try to show empathy and reflect his feelings so he can identify what is going on inside himself (You *really* would like TV, but we're not watching right now. You are disappointed.). I try to minimize Nos for my own sanity and his by moving things out of reach/access as much as possible.

As long as you aren't compromising a non-negotiable for you, in time I think you'll see the tantrums stop. If he knows TV isn't going to happen, I'd say before long he'll probably give up on having regular, full-blown meltdowns.

IMO, in the meantime for my own sanity, I'd unplug the TV completely when it isn't in use or remove it and put it in another room. Out of sight, out of mind. Along those lines, if he's having such trouble with it, a little bit might be a bad thing right now until this passes. It might be better to not let him watch at all for a few weeks so that he isn't so fixated (the transition to turning it off right now might just be too much for him to handle, kwim??). Can you get outside more or get out of the house more? Some extra distractions in the meantime might be a big help. Try doing some things that are new for him...finger painting, cooking, take a walk outside, paint the windows or deck door with dishsoap and a paint brush. Anything to show him there are lots of fun things he likes besides TV.

If he turns it on and you turn it off, I'd just try to redirect and let him have his tantrum. Let him know that you see he's disappointed. It doesn't mean you are being permissive, because you aren't letting him do something you feel strongly opposed to. Try not to ride the wave of his upset/big feelings...he can have them, but don't let yourself get sucked into going there with him, kwim? I find myself doing that somtimes and then I remind myself that his mood does NOT have to be my mood, if that makes sense. If at all possible, I'd move the TV temporarily out of sight or to a place where he can't access it so you don't have to deal with this so often right now.

I highly recommend the website www.gentlechristianmothers.com if you haven't ever been there. I'm not very religious at all, but their gentle discipline board is really great IMO. Quite a few moms here have found it really helpful and I think that may be how I learned about it. Far, far, far more helpful than most things I've read elsewhere, and it is free :)

I'm so glad he's feeling better!!!! That must feel great. I hope you can find a way to work through the TV fascination.

[brittone2]

They just don't have the impulse control to stop themselves at that age, even if they seem to get the concept of "no." Sometimes just reframing what you are seeing helps...try not to look at it as defiance. (yeah, I know, tough to do sometimes!!) He's just curious about the TV, he doesn't get why the rules have suddenly changed, and he's letting you know he's upset in the only way he can right now...he doesn't have access to the verbal abilities of an adult to talk with you about it, so it comes out as a tantrum. He can't understand that his mom doesn't think it is healthy for him to watch a lot of TV...he probably just really likes the flashing lights and noises. He also may not be feeling 100% yet?

Some things I've read and learned that have stuck with me are that a tantrum is just an immature expression of emotion. In and of itself, it is IMO not a bad thing. I don't let DS have whatever he wants, but I don't try to stop the tantrum. (in a public place we'll leave until he calms down, but I don't "punish" the tantrum). I try to give him a script for labeling what he's feeling so that as he gets older he'll hopefully express himself more verbally and less physically. I try to show empathy and reflect his feelings so he can identify what is going on inside himself (You *really* would like TV, but we're not watching right now. You are disappointed.). I try to minimize Nos for my own sanity and his by moving things out of reach/access as much as possible.

As long as you aren't compromising a non-negotiable for you, in time I think you'll see the tantrums stop. If he knows TV isn't going to happen, I'd say before long he'll probably give up on having regular, full-blown meltdowns.

IMO, in the meantime for my own sanity, I'd unplug the TV completely when it isn't in use or remove it and put it in another room. Out of sight, out of mind. Along those lines, if he's having such trouble with it, a little bit might be a bad thing right now until this passes. It might be better to not let him watch at all for a few weeks so that he isn't so fixated (the transition to turning it off right now might just be too much for him to handle, kwim??). Can you get outside more or get out of the house more? Some extra distractions in the meantime might be a big help. Try doing some things that are new for him...finger painting, cooking, take a walk outside, paint the windows or deck door with dishsoap and a paint brush. Anything to show him there are lots of fun things he likes besides TV.

If he turns it on and you turn it off, I'd just try to redirect and let him have his tantrum. Let him know that you see he's disappointed. It doesn't mean you are being permissive, because you aren't letting him do something you feel strongly opposed to. Try not to ride the wave of his upset/big feelings...he can have them, but don't let yourself get sucked into going there with him, kwim? I find myself doing that somtimes and then I remind myself that his mood does NOT have to be my mood, if that makes sense. If at all possible, I'd move the TV temporarily out of sight or to a place where he can't access it so you don't have to deal with this so often right now.

I highly recommend the website www.gentlechristianmothers.com if you haven't ever been there. I'm not very religious at all, but their gentle discipline board is really great IMO. Quite a few moms here have found it really helpful and I think that may be how I learned about it. Far, far, far more helpful than most things I've read elsewhere, and it is free :)

I'm so glad he's feeling better!!!! That must feel great. I hope you can find a way to work through the TV fascination.

[marit]

Just wanted to say that I think Beth's advice is excellent. I agree with every word. I would also like to add that rule #1 of parenting is always consistency. Since you had to change the rules temporarily it makes it harder for him to cope right now, but if you are consistent with the new (old) rules, he will get it. For children this small you sometimes have to say something 50 times before they get it. I also think 17 months is way too young for timeout.

You are doing a great job!

[marit]

Just wanted to say that I think Beth's advice is excellent. I agree with every word. I would also like to add that rule #1 of parenting is always consistency. Since you had to change the rules temporarily it makes it harder for him to cope right now, but if you are consistent with the new (old) rules, he will get it. For children this small you sometimes have to say something 50 times before they get it. I also think 17 months is way too young for timeout.

You are doing a great job!

[Fairy]

This is why I really love this board. Script for labeling his emotions. That is something I had not thought of. I'm already trying to stop saying "no," but rather to say "right now we're doing X" or "Food is for eating," etc. But when it comes to emotions and talking them thru them like that, I feel like a dope, but I hadn't actually thought of that. I will definitely do that, and now that DS is better, we can definitely go out more. I work Mon thru Wed, so he's in daycare most of those days, but Thurs and Fri I'm home with him, so this week I already have plans to visit a children's museum near our home, as well as trying to find a new craft. Crayons are just starting to do well, play doh is a big no just yet, but finger painting I think we'll do really well with.

We can't move the TV unfortunately, cuz it's really big and heavy. But the other one we just cover and he can't reach it, so out of sight is working there. Covering the main one, however, is not a bad idea, I think I'm gonna give that a try.

Thank you very much (to both of you) for the advice and also for the website, which I will check out, as well.

:-)