Will the jealousy ever end?

[luvmypeanut]

We're still having issues with DD being jealous of DS - they are 22 months apart. First I thought it was just an adjustment period because in a 2 month period, we had DS, took her out of school, moved back to the US and had to leave her nanny behind. She did the usual stuff like refusing to give up her bottle and diapers, but she's quite rough with him and does not share at all. All day I hear "no Jack, mine!" and it's driving me crazy. We've really tried to spend one on one time with her but it's not always possible. My mom says we have to watch her carefully with they play together because if she knows no one is watching, she'll put him in a headlock but if someone walks in the room it will turn into a hug. If Jack is on my lap, she'll climb all over me to claim the spot, and if he's playing with something she'll push him out of the way or take it. She's really a sweet kid but since her brother has come along she's been bratty and in "time out" all the time. My friends with two children don't have this problem to this degree and their older children are somewhat protective of the younger one. She is not protective of him at all. Is anyone going through this and is there something I should be doing to foster their relationship?

[wilelm]

Our kids are almost exactly the same ages, and that's exactly what's going on here. Lately she's taken to pushing him over whenever she passes him, to get attention. When other kids her age come over for play dates, she has no trouble sharing, but if Gabriel wants to play with something, she throws a fit.

I think it's all completely normal. I'm just keeping an eye on her when they're together, and trying to give her as much attention as I can without making it "special attention," if that makes any sense. I try to give them the same amount of attention, when I can. So if she wants me to read a book, I'll get Gabriel and put him on my lap so he can listen too. But if he's happily playing alone, I'll read to just her.

I'm just finding hope in thinking it will pass--hopefully soon!


Sheila
Mama to Miriam, 03/03 and
Gabriel, 12/04

[sallysmith]

I have a very similar situation as well. DC#1 plays nicely with other kids her age. But at home with dc#2, it's a totally different story. She's pretty rough with him. And if I say "be gentle" or "don't hit", she opens her eyes wide and says "i'm not hitting. i'm making nice". (And i'm never sure if she really was trying to be nice or if she just quickly convinced herself that she was being nice).
I think part of what makes it hard is that kids her age are expected to follow the rules...no grabbing toys, taking turns, etc. But dc#2 is really too little to know the "rules", let alone follow them. So there is a little bit of a double standard.
I try to foster a certain protectiveness. I'll tell dc#1 that dc#2 doesn't understand and we have to show him how to take turns. Another thing I try to do is make a point of encouraging sharing and generosity (e.g. every time dc#1 gets a cookie, she can give one to dc#2), while also pointing out the differences (you can have a whatever, but dc#2 can't because he's too little). I am trying hard to emphasize that they are different people with different capabilities. I think that helps when it comes time to explaining why dc#2 took her toy and why she should let him play with it this time.
I also find that time-outs ended up becoming too much of an issue. I'd first have to calm down dc#2, then tell dc#1 why she was going to a time out, then go put her in the corner, then make sure she stayed there. It also didn't help that dc#2 (who usually wasn't really hurt in the first place) didn't understand that being in the corner is a punishment and he would go join dc#1 in the corner. DC#2 also didn't understand which one of them should be saying "sorry", so he would come running to dc#1 in the corner and say "sorry". It was pretty funny. So anyway, I gave up on official time-outs. Now, if i see that it's out of hand, i just pick up dc#1 and go put her in my room and shut the door. (It's the only room whose door she can't open herself). Sometimes she's upset and cries and other times she just plays with something in there. It works either way. If it was a question of just too much togetherness, this gives her some time to herself and she'll find something in there to play with. If she was actually misbehaving, she knows it and will scream that she wants to come out. Either way, she's gettign the message that hitting or grabbing toys means that she can't play with other people.
I also find that it works better if i don't try to hammer home the message. Obviously, she's upset and that's why she didn't play nicely. She wants it to be fixed, not to be lectured. (I think it's different on a playdate. B/c that's a short term thing. But when it's your sibling and the kid never goes away, it doesn't pay to lecture. Just my opinion).
The only other thing i'd ask you is if they (especially the older one) are getting enough stimulation. Does your dc go to daycare or classes or play with other kids on a regular basis? Because when my dcs are bored or haven't had enough activities for the day, there's nothing i can do to make them play nicely.

[Dcclerk]

I have kids the same age apart, and I'm trying to figure out what works and doesn't for us. Here are a few things that I think may work for us:

-- I'm forever telling DS (the older child) how much DD loves him, how excited she is to see him, etc. Most of her smiles, giggles, laughs, I attribute to him (frankly, whether or not is actually the case). It keeps fresh in his mind, that she is part of his team.

-- I tell them that they have shared toys, rather than his toys or her toys. Obviously, most of his are not age appropriate for her, but she does like to play with them, so we consider all of the toys, the family toys. He is allowed to pick a few that are just his and he doesn't have to share, and I tell her that she is, too. I make just as big a deal over the ones that she "doesn't have to share" as I do over the ones he doesn't. That way, they both have something that is special for them, if they need that. For the rest, they have to take turns. If he wants something that she is playing with, he has to give her an alternative. He doesn't get a time out for taking things, but he doesn't get to keep them, unless he has given an alternative, and DD is ok with that alternative. (E.g., taking Thomas the Train and subbing in a train track, won't cut it, but subbing a different train, probably will.) If he has something that she wants, I make a big deal about her having to wait her turn, and that DS will give her a turn soon.

-- If they are having a rough go of it, I give them both separate spaces, e.g. DS plays in the playroom while DD plays in the living room. A little alone time, usually makes them miss each other.

-- We read a lot of books, and they are usually read together, with both on my lap. The books are much more his age, than hers, so she gets tired of them after a while and wants to get down. She crawls around us, and gets her own book to "read." That's fine for both. He feels special for getting to read with mom, but also sees that we just do things together.

-- When she naps, I truly dedicate at least 15 minutes, uninterrupted with him. I lay on the floor and totally immerse myself with his stuff, whether that be trains, animals, puzzles, whatever. For him, if I engage in a certain amount of imaginary play (rather than reading books or playing with playdough or playing games or running outside, etc.), then he can "share" me better. The other types of activities don't seem to recharge him and make him feel as special, even though he really enjoys them and we do do them.

-- When she wakes up, I make a big deal of the fun that we will have together, and then we do. DD and I will chase DS around the house, blow bubbles, etc. Basically, if there is something fun to be done, I try to make it so that DD is providing that fun to DS. DD gets a lot of credit around our house for being a really fun person (which, she is ;) ).

-- I enlist DS to "teach" DD things. He shows her how to use sippies, put things in a container, stir things, etc. I make a big deal about how good he is at doing these things, but that baby doesn't know how, yet. Then, I point out how good he is at teaching her, and how she will learn soon. He seems to like to be invested in her progress.

-- DD is "his baby." He talks a lot about his own baby, and we encourage it. We also talk about his and our own baby. I like that he has ownership in her well-being.

-- If DD messes up something of his, like knocking over his train tracks, a building of blocks, etc., we acknowledge how he feels and immediately talk about how to fix it. "Wow, you had built such a huge tower and baby just knocked it over. You sound really frustrated. What do you think we can do to fix it? Do you want to build it yourself? Would you like my help?" Periodically, I now even hear, "dat no pwoblem, I fix it, baby."

Your poor DD (and whole family, really) has gone through so many changes right now, it must be really tough on everyone. Good luck and keep up the good work, mama.

[Wife_and_mommy]

What great advice. Thanks for sharing! :)




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