What's it like to move away from your family?

[Alys the Cat]

Amy's post about NC/SC reminded me that I want to move. :) This is something DH and I have been kicking around for a while, and we are getting closer to taking some exploratory trips to Charlotte and the Raleigh area.

Here's what's holding me back: My mom and grandmother live less than 20 minutes from me now. Since my parents are divorced and my mom and I are both "onlies," they're the only close family I have (other than DH and DS, of course). I see them about once a week, and although I don't rely on them for childcare/babysitting at all (my mom is my grandmother's caregiver, so she has her hands full), I do like that DS has an opportunity to have a relationship with them. I know if I moved away I'd miss them both -- especially my mom -- and I'm way too old to have separation anxiety issues! :) Balance all that with my (and DH's) desire to relocate to a family-oriented community with a lower cost of living.

I'm sure some of you have BTDT. Any advice? How hard is it to start somewhere new without a network of family or friends?

Thanks for your words of wisdom...

[elliput]

How hard is it? It really depends on your relationships.

To give a bit of background – my Dad was an Air Force pilot so for most of my childhood we lived far from both his family and my mom’s family and we moved several times. When I went away to college it was in the same state but a 3 hour drive away over the Continental Divide. Not insurmountable, but a distance none the less. DH also grew up far from his parent’s families. He attended the Air Force Academy and was unable to go home for visits more than 3-4 times a year, if lucky.

When we got married we lived in the same town as my parents, and I thought it was wonderful. Since 1995 we have made three major inter-state moves: Montana to Arkansas, Arkansas to Kansas, and Kansas to Michigan. Every move we have made has been to someplace we have never been before and where we know no one. Each was difficult in its own way and rewarding in others. Each time has been for a change of employment for my DH, so I have had to job hunt in each new place (which is not my favorite thing to do). We meet new people and make new friends with every move. Some of these friendships I would not trade for the world. In some ways this is an exciting way to live, but in others it is very scary.

One thing that has been a help in our moves is that we belong to an organization that has chapters in almost all larger cities and towns. Knowing that we are able to have an instant network of contacts has helped incredibly.

Finances have made it so that we are not able to travel to visit either his parents or my parents more than once a year, if that. It occurred to me just yesterday that we have not been to visit my family in Montana since 2002 (although my folks have been here several times in the past couple of years), and we last visited DH’s parents in 2004.

We are at a stage where we want to be closer geographically to our families, as we both feel that our family unit needs to have the exposure to the extended family – our parents, siblings, their spouses, and children. In many ways, we believe we are missing out on a big part of life by not being involved more with our families.

How hard is it? For me, more so now than ever, very hard. Living such a great distance away has made me appreciate all of the little benefits of being closer.

[babystuffbuff]

>How hard is it? It really depends on your relationships.

Yep, what Erica said. :)

I moved away from home right after college (to New York) and we have now moved to Maryland. My family all lived within an hour or so of each other in Michigan (still do) and I was the first one to move away, ever, in the history of the family. For my parents, my mother especially, it was the greatest tragedy the world had ever seen (still is). For me....it was kind of nice. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents and extended family, and I am especially sad that I no longer live near my grandparents. But I truly love where I live now, and DH just wouldn't be able to get a good job in his field back where I am from. We would both be miserable if we still lived in Michigan, not because we would be near my family but because we wouldn't be able to have fulfilling jobs.

We are not totally cut off from our families - DH's brother and his family are about two hours away from us, and DH's parents and most of his aunts and uncles live 2 1/2 - 3 hours away. But all of DH's siblings moved away from home for college and have never moved back, so for his family it is not a big deal to be far away.

The attitudes of our families are so completely different in how they respond to people moving - DH's family was used to it and they were excited for us, my family was not, and I definitely heard about how sad it was, even though we were moving to such a better place for us. That definitely put a damper on my happiness.

Sarah

Auntie to my seven angels

[jenjenfirenjen]

It's hard, but liveable. DH and I moved to the East Coast shortly after we were married 4 years ago. I have a large extended family in Houston that I am very close to. I grew up surrounded by these people and I love them dearly. DH does not have much family to speak of and they are all in CA. I'm a proactive, outgoing person so I have not had too much trouble finding friends here (no more so than I would back home...I think it's hard to find friends as an adult period.)

In a way, it was good for our marriage, to come out here and forge this little life, just the two of us. Now that we have kids, it's different. I hate that my sons will not grow up surrounded by family as I did. There is really no chance of going back to Texas so this is something I just have to accept.

Luckily, since DS1 was born, my mom has come up here to visit every month and DS has a great relationship with her. Also, in his short little life, we've gone to visit my family in TX 4 times. So, it's working for us.

I don't know how far away you'd be from your family if you moved but if you can make it work where you (or they) can visit somewhat often, I think it makes it better. Good luck!

[bunnisa]

I miss having my parents nearby to babysit, that's for sure.

They do come visit us every three months.

It's nice to see them, and I'm glad they do such a great job of maintaining a relationship with DS, but honestly, I preferred the short visits when we lived nearby to the several days that they stay with us when they visit.

I love them, but I love them best in small doses! ;)

Bethany
mom to one and one on the way!
http://lilypie.com/days/060226/0/8/1/-6/.png
"And children are always a good thing, devoutly to be wished for and fiercely to be fought for."
-J. Torres

[brittone2]

I guess we're hybrids.

DH and my parents lived close together when we lived in PA. My parents are retired and have been talking about downsizing/moving for years. They strongly considered Florida, SC, and a few other places. When DS was born, he was the only grandchild that lived nearby, and they really really enjoyed spending time with him. Their downsizing plans kind of got put on hold, which was sad because they were dealing w/ a lot of maintenance at their old house and they love to travel. Another odd thing is that one of my nieces and her family (my brother's ex wife and her husband) are actually moving nearby my parents now from Minnesota!!! They wanted to be closer to family (we still have a good relationship with my ex SIL, and she considers my parents to be more family than her own), were tired of MN weather, and so her hubby actually found a job in the same town in which my parents live...bizarre. So now my parents have 2 grandkids close by :)

When DH was looking at graduate school, it made me really sad to consider moving away from my family. We basically asked my parents to relocate with us, and to our surprise, they decided to. It was sort of an ideal situation as they didn't have anything holding them in PA (my other siblings don't spend as much time with them and 3 of my 4 brothers live out of state). They were ready for a smaller, newer place, the housing market is cheaper here in NC, the taxes are lower, and the weather is nice. They moved about 30 mins from us, which is enough for us to each have our space, but they are always willing to lend a hand whenever they can with DS and we see them 2 times a week or so.

Leaving the ILs was not as hard as things had not been going well with them prior to our move. It was very hard on them to see us go. I do feel sad that DS doesn't see them like he would if we lived closer. My ILs do not like traveling, and our budget/schedule doesn't allow us to visit them more than 1, maybe 2x per year. Distance was probably a good thing to be honest, but I feel sad for them sometimes knowing my parents live close to DS now and they don't.

Leaving friends has been very hard, but in the 8 months or so since we have lived here, our old next door neighbors have visited (and may be moving to this area soon as well LOL), and very good friends of ours from PA have visited. One of my college friends was just in town, and another couple we are close friends with is coming in June (we stayed with them when we were in PA over the holidays). So you can manage to keep those friendships if you try to stay in touch. Flights from Philly to NC are only about 50 dollars each way. Not bad.

So for whatever reason, our network seems to have kind of followed us, which has been a great and unexpected surprise. It has been hard in some ways to start over making friends, but we're very happy we made the move.

[hez]

DH and I both lived away from home for college. Granted I was only 45 minutes away from home, and his mom lived in town his first year or so, however we were pretty much on our own. We live sort of in the middle now, and have since graduation-- 3 1/2 hours from my folks, 5 hours from his.

My mom and I are on the phone 4-5 times a week. My dad and I talk 3-4 times a month, max. My sister and I talk more often (on the phone) than we did when we were in HS together-- absence makes the heart grow fonder... My brother's a wild child still, so I take what I can get. DH and his family talk MUCH less often, but that's just DH. He never thinks to call them. Our immediate families aren't part of our everyday lives, but they are a part of our lives.

We see my family 4-5 times a year, and wish it were more. We see DH's family (parents at the least) 6-7 times a year. I think that's plenty ;)

The thing that has helped us the most living here was finding a church family. My best girlfriend from church was in the delivery room with my mom and DH while I was in labor. The families we're close to brought dinners for the first couple weeks after Payton was born. We always have someone can call to go out to eat, and since we worked with the youth group before Payton was born, we have a bunch of kids we can turn to when we need a babysitter. I think if you can find an activity (church if you're so inclined) that you feel a part of which involves the whole family, it will make all the difference in developing a new network of support more quickly.

We do have a separate circle of friends because our company hires a lot from the universities we attended. So we had a leg up in that there were a good 10 or 12 people we knew from school who were new to the area, too. I still think the church family has been the biggest support, though.

Lastly-- both DH and I grew up with grandparents who lived in different states. DH's favorite person in the whole world was his Grandpa W, who taught DH to golf. My favorite person was my Grandpa F, who taught me more than I can type here. Even if we didn't see our grandparents daily or weekly, we were still able to have relationships with them and appreciate them deeply.

Hope my long winded post helps a bit!

[new_mommy25]

It's really, really hard. :(

[starrynight]

Being a military wife I've done this a ton of times. The big move away from family and then the moves away from a friend network.

The first time was easy, it was a great break from the family drama and I felt "like a big girl" moving away from my home state and finally seeing something new.

It gets old, going into 5 years later all I want is to be home again. Granted my best friend had her first baby a few months ago, my sis is having her first this year and I've never met my soon to be 3 year old nephew (bil's kid) because we can't afford to fly home/dh can't get time off. So that is playing into it I'm sure.

Starting over is getting tiring too, you won't be moving as often though so it won't be as bad. The initial start over is hard, after you get settled in you learn to find new friends quick. It depends on your personality I suppose to a point.

If you will be able to go home at least once a year it or on a regular basis it probably won't be too bad.

I wish you the best of luck!

[Andrea S]

I think it sucks. My parents and sisters are 12 hours away. Andrew and I have been fortunate to be able to fly home often, but I know that will change with new baby and Andrew starting school next year.

With that said I am not unhappy and we make the best out of the situation, but given the choice I would not be further than 3 hours from my family.

Andrea
mom to Andrew 8/14/02
& #2 EDD 3/28/06

[janeybwild]

>and I'm way too old to have separation anxiety issues!

Not so! You can gauge my mood in any season of the year by how long it has been since I saw my parents. I moved to the states post-college. We have found a way to make it work, but it became so much harder when we had kids. You have to get creative to find ways to keep family involved in your lives, and that takes effort (and sometimes $$$). Our only vacation is a trip to England every other year, and that's not always a good thing for our mental health (i.e. no R & R). I love living here, and don't see a move to England, but it is hard. The good thing about moving with kids versus by yourself is that you will get a social group going a lot earlier IMO if you put out feelers (easier or harder depending on your kids ages). Moving away made me grow into the person I am today, and gosh darn it, I like me :) , so it must have been the right decision. Good luck!

[janettadine]

We moved away from our family when we first got married-- the job market was such that we had to. It's definitely a mixed blessing-- we get to spend alot of time with just us, which is nice, but we don't have that support system that we would if we lived closer. We've made friends here (mostly through work) who help out alot; the ironic thing is, most of them are also a long way from family, so we help each other out. It took us a little while to meet people, but DH started playing softball, and we met people through there. Also, just meeting your neighbors, you can find a good support system. Many of the people in my neighborhood have small children, and we've become friends with several because we have that in common.

We miss our family tons, so I understand your separation anxiety. ;) We would get calls from MIL whining about how far away we live. We also burn up all our vacation visiting family, so we have to plan time and finances to accomodate that each year.

I feel bad that DD doesn't get to see her cousins that often, but she does have friends here she gets to play with all the time, so that helps, I think. It's tough at first, but it's doable.

[Alys the Cat]

Thanks for all of your thoughful responses. We currently live in South Florida, so my mom and grandmother would likely be a plane ride - rather than a drive - away.

For the record, I have broached this subject with my mom and asked if she would consider moving with us. We are at least a year from relocating, and my mom is about a year from retirement. I know she could not go anywhere with my grandmother (who's 92 and not in the best of health), but I thought it might be something she would consider eventually. Sadly, she said she is not willing to move at any point.

I feel guilty about even considering this move, but at the same time I need to do what's best for me, DH and DS. I'd love to be a SAHM, but it's almost impossible with the cost of living here. Sorry if this is TMI. I'm just really torn. :(

[MelissaTC]

It isn't the easiest thing to do. We relocated to NC from NY in 1998. We were married, working, going to school and had very little free time. It was very difficult to meet new people and we did not have many friends or social outlets.

Once we bought our house in 2000, we started to really lay down some roots. We eventually found a church we liked (well, me-sort of; DH loves it) and got to know our neighbors.

Then we had Matthew. I have never met so many people before! Preschool, YMCA, MOMS Club, park outings, etc..- the possibilities are endless when you have a child! We met our closest friends through our Lamaze classes.

I do miss my sisters and parents. But I don't miss the family drama. It is nice for us to be on our own, doing our thing the way we want to do it. No one is poking their nose in or influencing us. My Mom likes to visit so she tries to come down a few times a year. My parents and sisters come together for holidays or we go up there. My inlaws visit 2x a year although it looks like only once this year. My SIL and her DH have not come at all since having their two children.

[nfowife]

Hey Christine, What part of SoFL do you live in? DH and I grew up in Coral Springs :) . That's where pretty much all of our family is.
My DH is in the military, so we've lived all over. In the past 5 1/2 years, we've lived in 5 different places! It does get hard, and it is even harder now that we have DD because everyone is always dying to see her. My in laws visit just about every 2-3 months, we see them the most. Most of our other relatives we see when we go home (we went to FL last at Thanksgiving) or we'll wait for them to visit.
I do miss the support system of relatives, I wonder what it would be like to have DD's grandparents around all the time. I bet we would get to go out a lot more often! We've had to make new friends every time we move, which is easier for my DH since he has the built in system of the military. It's been a little more difficult for me, and I still don't feel like I have any close friends who I can call and meet for lunch or come over, etc. I am in 2 playgroups which are fun, but we don't socialize outside of the groups and I don't know that we will. So I do miss having a best friend close by. Hopefully I will meet someone I click with around here soon so I can have that again, I think that would make life more fun and easy. We are still adjusting to life in the middle of the country and it's very different than being on the coast. I don't have much advice but you have to know it is hard at first, and I think it takes a few years to really get settled in a place. It's too bad for our lifestyle that right around the time that usually happens, we have to move again!

[MommyAllison]

I am a generation removed from your situation - my parents moved away from the family (pretty much everyone was in WI - they moved to WA state) when I was 4, my little sisters were 2 years, and 9 months. My parents were brave! They knew nobody in WA, just wanted to live near the mountains. We visited my grandparents 2x/year when we were little (summer & Christmas), but as we grew up we just visited on summer vacation for 1-2 weeks. My parents never regretted moving, as far as I know, and as a kid I was not too upset about it, though I hated never seeing my cousins. As an adult (and mom) I am sad that I missed out on the extended family time, but I also have realized that I now prefer having holidays with just immediate family, since that's how I grew up. I am really looking forward to visiting WI with DD this summer! But, I will confess, I have at times really wanted to move away (especially after not fun visits with the ILs) - both DH's and my family live within 15 minutes of us. I kind of want to get away and be our own family. Not sure if these ramblings help at all - just wanted to offer another perspective!

Edited to correct typo and for clarity
Allison
http://b1.lilypie.com/XvRAm8/.png (http://lilypie.com)

[amp]

It's hard, but doable.

I moved away from my family almost 7 yrs ago. Before that I had lived as many as 4 hrs away, but that's the furthest. Seven yrs ago I moved 13 hrs away to another state several states away. I miss my family terribly.

On a day to day basis I don't miss them so much, but I do wish they lived closer. Not necessarily in the same town, but closer. I wish it so that I could see them. I wish it so that DS and DD would know them and they would see my kids more often. I wish it so that I'd have babysitters. I wish it so that as they grow older I will be able to help them out more easily. I wish it for a lot of reasons.

But in the end, my place is with my husband and children and I would follow my husband anywhere. I told him that the day we decided to move out of state and I told him when we just moved even further away to yet another state. He is my support now and although I miss my parents, I know that my place is wherever my husband can best support our family job-wise, etc.

There are always phones, email and airplanes.

[aliceinwonderland]

I think it's super hard when there's kids involved. I moved to a different continent at 19, and never did I miss my parents as much as when my son was born. As it is, I have my mom fly in at least twice a year for extended periods, it helps us a lot, plus I want him to be raised with a little village of people around!

[Alys the Cat]

Hi, Margaret. I live in Boca Raton now, but I grew up in Ft. Lauderdale. I've been in this area so long, I can't even imagine what it would be like to move as often as you do! You (and your DH, of course) are very brave! :)

[denna]

I must say that I agree w/ Erica. My situation is a little different I am close w/ my family (not extremely), but I have lived away from home since I was 17. I joined the Air Force was away from home for a year and then got stationed 3 hours a way. I saw my family most of the time and it was good just to be in the same state. Then last year I was married and my husband is also in the Air Force, he got stationed in Italy and now I am out. We are living in Italy and I found out I was pregnant in the summer. I am the youngest and this is my first child. I really wish that I had the family support that I do not have here. True there is a network here that you always have and it is good to still have Americans around however it is not the same as your own family. I haven't seem my family in almost a year now, and it is very difficult for me. I think it will only get harder w/ the baby coming and it will just be me and DH and of course my DS. But I hope you understand it is completely different to not have that support.
I am in no way saying that this should impede your move, however you may want to consider how far away your support will be. Beleive it or not no matter how old we are (granted Im still fairly young) we still need that support. Whether it be familiarity of our home town/state or our family. So I HTH but just consider how far away they will all be from you and make sure you have some sort of support system.

Ciao!!

Good Luck,

Denna

[chiqanita]

Sad. Lonely sometimes. My sisters and cousins were my best-friends...the people I hung out with in my youth and on into adulthood. I'm also very close to my parents and hate not being able to see them regularly.

We moved away from my family in '98. I love where I live but I miss my family always.
We don't live near DH's family either. Now that I have children I miss my family even more. I would've liked for my little guys to have grown up with family around. I have a large family...extended family, too. My family gets together every month and some get together every weekend...we're a close family. I'm included on all the emails so I know what's going on back there every weekend. Our family calendar is already full with birthday parties for all the little ones...I'm hoping we'll make it back there for my DSs 2nd bday.

On a positive note, we live in a nice open suburb with lots of children and young families. We were able to afford a nice home within a year of moving here. DH has a good job and I'm able to be a SAHM, for now. We registered at our local church right away and met others like us. I also made friends when I started working who stay in touch now.

Good luck with your decision.

[NatalieM]

Hi Christine,

I can relate to your situation. Both DH and I grew up in SoFL (Pembroke Pines) and all of our family is there. We moved to Savannah after we were married b/c DH was in the military and got stationed there. It was hard at first, but it wasn't THAT bad since we were a driving distance away. DH is no longer in the military, but we decided that we would stay in Georgia for the very reasons you described. We love it so much here and we feel really good about raising DD here. My parents visit once a month to see DD (driving or flying) and my in-laws about every other month. We spend the holidays together, whether we go down there or they come up to us. My best friend is in SoFl. They are actually thinking about doing the same thing as you and your DH b/c of the same reasons. Just like PP's said, it's hard at first but you get through it. Our visits are very special to us since we no longer see our family on a daily basis. And just as Margaret said, we don't get out as much as we would if our family lived close but we're fine with that!! :-)

Just my .02 cents. I hope everything works out for you and your family!!

[MegND95]

I think so much of it depends on your attitude and committment toward making it work in a new town. When I married dh, he was in the Navy. In our 9 years of marriage, we have had 6 addresses, and lived in 5 different states. Not one of those moves was any closer than 6 hours to our families. Before we had kids, it was no problem. We have always enjoyed exploring new towns and meeting new people. Plus, we are committed to finding things to love about each area in which we live.

Once we had our first baby, and with each subsequent child, my longing for family grows stronger. Although our families visit us several times a year, and we travel to them, I miss seeing them, and watching my kids interact with them. I know my kids can still have good bonds with grandparents, aunts and uncles from a distance, but I know we all would love to be together more often. Plus, it takes alot of work in the early years to build and maintain the connection with small children. Not to mention, traveling with little kids is no treat. And on a purely selfish note, I miss the child watching duty I know family would provide!

Our most recent move brought us within six hours of my hometown, and three hours from my parent's vacation home. It's been pretty terrific, because we can meet up with them for long weekends, and work on building those relationships.

So, while I do think it is hard to be apart from family, it is not impossible and not without its own benefits! I think you need to feel strongly about what you are doing, and be prepared to work at finding the perks of your new town and new friends.

Good luck!

[shannonG]

We moved north of Philly from Western NY less than a year ago...about a 5 hour drive and it WAS and IS really hard for me. It's nice to have some distance from the family but I think 5 hours is too much. Depending on how close you are to your family and how you do holidays, it can be really hard if you have to travel back and forth. Vacation time is spend on trips to NY...not to really exciting places. When we are home visiting family we are basically stranded there as guests at their house. It's not the same as being in your own home. So, visiting is not as comfortable and as happy as I'd like it. It's hard to have a toddler and not be in your own surroundings for any length of time. When we're home we never have the opportunity to visit friends because our parents are constantly demanding that we divide our time up with them evenly...so the friends get left out. Also, not having family around for an occasional night out also really sucks. We didn't use our parents much before we moved, but now that Nathan is 20 months old...I could really use the break.

On a more positive note, I joined a MOMS club and met some really nice people that I never would have met otherwise. So, if you do move and are a SAHM I would really recommend joining a club of some sort. Luckily this is a place that is seeing a huge influx of newcomers, so many of the moms that I've met through the club are also new to the area and have some of the same struggles. DH needs to get on a league of some sort though, because he needs to find some buddies. He meets people through work, but he doesn't really hang out with them outside of work. So, depending on where you move to and how assertive you are about meeting people, finding a new set of friends can be done.

Basically if I had a choice I'd only like to be an hour or two away from my family...not any further. Short enough distance to visit in one day (drive there and back) and far enough away to have our own thing and privacy. Hope that helps. I'm really close to my mother, so the distance between us has me pretty depressed, but I'm trying to stay positive. :)