another guardianship question--still can't decide

[mommyj_2]

I posted a while back, and got a lot of thoughtful replies on how many of you chose the primary guardians for your DCs if something happens to you.
I cannot think about this without feeling sick to my stomach, because I don't know what would be best for my DS. I'm hoping some of you might have thoughts about my options. My extended family is definitely not an option. My siblings are probably not an option either. I love them dearly, but cannot picture my DS feeling safe and confident with them. Neither of them have stability in their lives, and my DS is used to a very nurturing, calm environment. I think this is really hard for me to admit to myself.
DH's family isn't an option, since they are all out of the country, and DS would have major culture shock if he went to live there.
My only option in the family is my parents. They love DS, and my mom and I are a lot alike. She visits us at least once/month, so DS is extremely comfortable with her. I know he would be loved and well cared for with them. My reservations are as follows: DS would have to move to a city where his race would make him an outsider (he's biracial). My siblings are both high-maintenance, and my parents still devote a lot of time/energy to them as well as my niece. I know I often feel as if my parents are always managing the chaos/crisis of the day with my siblings, and I worry that my DS would have to deal with a lot of that chaos. My other issue is that my dad yells. He yelled when I grew up, and I absolutely hated it. My DS is extremely sensitive, like I was, and I know this would be really hard on him. The flip side is my dad is hilarious, fun, and he provided me with a lot of really fun experiences I wouldn't have had otherwise. He was very involved (coaching our teams, taking us on trips, etc), and he thinks my DS is the coolest kid ever.
I've thought about choosing some of our friends. This would let DS stay in his current school (he's in a Montessori school), and he would be able to grow up in a diverse place where he wouldn't be an outsider because of his race. We have one set of friends we've known for 8 years. They have 3 older girls who adore my DS, and my friend and her DH also adore him. The mom and her girls speak Mandarin, and they would be able to take DS to visit my DH's family. Our other possible option is a couple we haven't known as long. They're also a biracial couple, and my DS and their DD are best friends. The mom is a lot like me (similar in looks, personality, and overall way of being in the world). The dad is similar to my DH. They adore my DS, and he also adores them. I think his daily routine would be most similar to his current routine (in terms of his interaction with us, the type of things/activities we do, and our values) if he lived with them.
I have no idea if either of these friends would be willing to care for DS, but I know if they agreed, my DS would be well loved and would have a lot of fun growing up. My main concerns are how complicated it would be for my DS to spend a lot of time with my family, and how he would visit my DH's family. Also, if we had the second couple raise him, he wouldn't be able to speak his 2nd language at home (he spoke mostly Mandarin until he started preschool). I also worry that he would be treated as an outsider in our friends' extended families.
If you've read this far, thank you. I would greatly appreciate any thoughts/ideas you have.

[brittone2]

We're very very much in the same situation w/ our decision-making. For now my preference is to make my parents his guardians should something happen, as he is well-bonded to them and I know they would do their best to raise DS as they know we would want him raised. However, I do worry about the "burden" on them as they age.
I've got the same situation regarding siblings. I love my siblings dearly but several of them are in less-than-great marriages, one brother travels non-stop for work, and as you know, one has all sorts of issues. I just can't see it happening with any of my siblings. Dh's sister is not in a position where I think she'd feel comfortable with DS (just isn't a kid person as of yet at 35), and DH's brother has a lot of financial problems and isn't the most responsible guy, although he's a sweetheart.
I think we may put my parents down, and then as they get older/DS gets older, ask our friends. Oddly enough, the couple we'd likely ask is currently childless, but I know they are people DS would grow up happy and healthy with, and that is important to me. DS doesn't even know them all that well though as they are back in PA and we've only seen them 1-2x since our move to NC.

It is a very very difficult decision.

[Mommy_Again]

I can't remember if I posted to your earlier thread- I know I started it, but might have gotten interupted.

When we evaluated this, I initially wanted my parents b/c I trust them to raise DS the way I would raise him - my mom and I are very similar and I feel 100% confident they would be the closest thing to me if I were gone.

However, DH made me look at it in a different way. He pointed out that the most important thing we could do for DS was allow him to grow up in the most "normal" environment possible, given that his parents would be dead (morbid to write and think about, but we have to be direct and realistic when thinking of these things). DH thought that, no matter how wonderful a grandparent can raise a child, that child will always be considered somewhat of an outsider b/c instead of having young parents and other kids in the house, he will be raised by older seniors. And my parents are young- only 55 - but still a far cry from most families in their 20s/30s/40s. It would be a lonely house, too, without other kids- and even though some kids are only children, there is just a different energy when birth parents are there.

So with that into consideration, we chose one of DH's brothers who has a wonderful wife and 4 kids. They live halfway across the country- which I was reluctant to do because of the distance, I didnt want him taken away from where he grew up to thatpoint and where my family was. But I know that if God forbid anything happens to us and he lives with my BIL/SIL, he will have the most active, fun upbringing that he willnot even have time to dwell on the bad stuff.

So that's my two cents. Everyone has a different philosophy and you just need to decide what aspects of your child's life are most important to you. It sounds like you couldnt go wrong with either of your friends, if they are willing to do it. But this is all a moot point, because none of us mamas and papas are going ANYWHERE, right?!

[mommyj_2]

Thanks so much for the thoughtful replies. It's good to know I'm not the only one for whom this decision is so difficult. I hadn't thought of doing one now, just so I have someone to care for DS if something happens, and then changing it if/when I find someone who seems to be the perfect fit.
DH thought of another family who adore DS.
I think I mostly needed reassurance that I wasn't nuts to consider friends, and also to hear that my reasons for thinking of the particular friends weren't totally crazy.
Of course, I don't plan on going anywhere, so I'm sure it won't matter who I choose anyway.

[denna]

You are not nuts for thinking of friends. I think that of your choices you laid out the 2 friends would be a battle for me to choose between.
My husband and I are also facing the same situation and as of now I don't see any option to be quite honest. My mother is too old and not in good health to raise another child, my father past away when I was just 15. My husband's parents both work ALOT and I just don't think that it is something they would want (not to sound mean). Then there is my siblings none of which I feel are responsible enough (minus 1 who doesn't want/have kids). My husband only has 1 little sister who is a sophomore in college so thats out. Then my husband has several (11) aunts and uncles but I really dont know any of them very well, and I dont know what to do. I just dont know. So just to let you know you are not alone.
I hope this encouragement on what your doing helps.

Take Care

Denna

[ribbit1019]

We struggled with this as well. Due to my sister's location and the fact that DH's parents hate to travel anywhere.
My sis has a very nice loft in downtown Columbus, but not the kind of environment for two little kids plus IL's won't get in the car to visit us and we are 20 minutes away, chances of them traveling 2 plus hours to visit them are slim. However my sister has a very good job and understands my parenting philosophies a lot better than just about anyone else in our family.

DH's sis is out, she has DN whom she can barely manage to raise on her own. Plus with her it is likely that they both would not be raised the way we would like. DH is not fond of the idea of his parents and I don't want to burden mine. We breifly discussed their god parents but quickly decided that was not the way to go. We just don't have friends that we feel we could trust to raise our DC's the way we would prefer.

So since my sis is the most responsible we have chosen her to be the guardian. Over Christmas I discussed the logistics and she promised if anything ever did happen she would make sure that the kids would still see IL's three or four times a year plus holidays. I am settled with this, as is DH. I know IL's will be super pissed when they find out (DH is supposed to tell them) but honestly I just don't want the after life burden of having to haunt anyone. }(

Sorry, it is hard decision and I totally understand. I think I would ask the first couple whom you have known longer and see what they say. They may say no since they have 3 children that are older and you can ask the other couple then. At least you have a back up!
GL! It is really hard to make such an important decision.

Christy
Maddy born 6/09/04
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[KBecks]

I guess I'd lean towards you parents or your friends that you know well.

If you choose friends, make sure you know them very well before asking. I think it's important to have a strong relationship with the people who you name as guardians.

We're putting down DH's parents as the primary, and some friends as the secondary/alternate.

I do think that overall, the child's daily life is most important. Values are also of high importance. I wouldn't worry about the more minor things, such as language or location, if it would compromise the larger picture of values and a stable, loving day to day life.

The yelling really depends on how you feel about its severity. Does your dad yell frequently, or has he mellowed out with age? I'd weigh the pros and cons of your parents as an overall choice and factor in the yelling, I wouldn't dismiss them as an option immediately because of that concern, but if the yelling is predominant in your evaluation of his behavior, then you have it figured out.