Help!!!!

[rasputinkitty]

I have a problem and wanted some constructive advice.

I've been married for nearly six years(together for almost 9 years total) and have two great kids. However, I'm confident in admitting that I'm no longer in love with my husband. At least I don't think I am.

I no longer feel that spark, and I don't know if that's normal after all this time or what. What I do know is that, for a number of reasons, divorce or separation or anything like that is impossible.

Anyway, here is my dilemna. DH is pushing for another baby, and I don't know what to do. I love my children and I would love a baby.I mean, who knows-maybe this child will be the miracle our marriage needs.Then again, I don't like holding a child to that sort of "pressure".

I would love to hear from any of you ladies who might have been/are in a similiar situation. PM me if you don't wish to post your thoughts.

[Marisa6826]

Does he not even have a clue about how you feel? Marriage is a partnership - not an affair. It's not always going to be hot and heavy. Think long and hard about the pros and cons of your relationship.

I think that you need to get yourself to counselling to really explore what's going on. You at least owe your DH that.

-m

[ShayleighCarsensMom]

I agree with the pp, but I also wanted to add this:
A child will not make you love your husband. Children put a great deal of strain on many marriages, and I highly doubt this is the solution you need!
I am not saying that its not all worth it, but if your marriage is not rock solid, dont bring any more children into it!
Best of luck to you,

[bostonsmama]

What's the old saying? "Children may not break a marriage, but they will NEVER save a marriage."

And as Marisa so beautifully pointed out....it's not about that oogly-googly feeling of butterflies and passion-it's a partnership (you're not alone, this is something almost every couple has to work out or come to grips with). We recently had a couple at our church celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary with cake & punch after the service. I asked, "So how was 50 years of marital bliss?" To which the DH responded, "There were lots of ups and downs...more bad times than good....which I didn't predict when I said my vows. But I love her, and we're a family." (or similar to that)...and it really stuck with me. Good marriages go through bad times, and not just bad things that happen to you, but bad feelings you have for one another (mine has). But it's exactly those people who spend their whole lives chasing that passionate feeling that are setting themselves up for failure b/c they're going to be #1-compulsively unhappy until they change and #2-have married 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 times searching for something externally that's actually missing on the inside.

Counseling will really help. Hopefully s/he will give you the tools to develop what it is you're lacking in your marriage or the courage to leave and cause the least pain.

Larissa

Making the decision to have a child - it's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking outside your body.
~Elizabeth Stone

[jhrabosk]

My DH and I have been together for about the same amount of time and I know how you feel. I love him very much, but I frequently feel that I'm no longer "in love." At the same time, I'm confident that not being with him is not the right answer. I can't imagine myself with anyone else.

I'm with the PPs...be sure he knows how you feel. Consider talking to someone professional...by yourself and/or with DH. We spent our entire summer in therapy together before DD came to work out some of our issues and help the transition. And I'm no expert, but I can't imagine that another baby would create a spark...perhaps just the opposite, especially if you feel pressured into it.

I know that a big issue in my marriage is feeling as though I don't get a lot of what I need. What I've learned is that while I can't change DH, helping him to understand what's REALLY important to me makes a difference. I've also learned that I need to prioritize and let go of things that are less important.

Good luck...you're not alone!

[hautemama15]

I have been with my DH for almost 12 yrs and married for almost 11 and I can honestly say I DO NOT always feel that spark either!!! BUT, I do still "want" him and I am still attracted to him in every way. Kids and family obligations can wreak havoc on a marriage. Adding a new baby may be fun and exciting at first, but your problems will still be there and there will be another little one that will be affected if it doesn't work out in a couple of years. Think things through, don't make hasty decisions right now. See a counselor if you think its really needed. Personally, marriages all have their ups and downs, mine sure does, but I know at the end of the day that I am with the right person and wouldn't trade him for the world, or even Brad Pitt!

[kozachka]

Don't do it. Adding another child to the mix won't make things any better. You need to have a conversation with your husband about this and having somebody help you talk through it (such a therapist) would be a def. plus. We are having a 'spark crisis' of our own, we both admit to not feeling in love with each other any more. It's a relatively new admission for both of us and our relationship is a work in progress so I can't give you much advice, just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. It will be 10 years that we've been together at end of March and almost 7.5 years that we are married. DH pressured me into having a child, and while I by no means regret having DS, it was not good for our relationship with DH, mostly because I feel that he did not deliver as a parent and as a husband. Please feel free to PM me if you want to 'talk' more.

[SpaceGal]

My DH and I have been together for 12 years and married for 5 years. We don't always have that spark especially. But I do care and love my husband, I may not act it or show it all the time but I know I wouldn't be too happy without him. But that doesn't help your situation...nonetheless a relationship will have it's ups, downs, and it's plateaus.

Here's the thing...I'm a "save the marriage baby". "I" didn't work. Mind you my parents were doomed to split and having me just made it harder for everyone. My mom may not tell me that I "failed" her but I know I have because I have heard her say awful things about me...like "I didn't want to have her, it's only because someone said it might be a good idea" or even better "someone told me to". I don't resent her for it...I just don't really respect her decisions and as a mom she's not a great one. But I really don't think you should have a child to rescue a marriage...because even as good as you think you might be about keeping your feelings hidden your "rescue" child can still find out.

Have a baby because you want to...not to save the marriage. You should talk to your DH about it. Maybe you two need a getaway to just talk and maybe rekindle and reconnect. It's hard to focus on one another in the slew of raising a family but maybe this is a sign for you two to focus on each other. Spend some time to talk and think and just discover one another. Take a weekend to just be together and leave the kids with your parents. And you have to tell your DH is too talk about you two not about the next baby because you aren't sure if that's they next thing for the both of you.

[Radosti]

DH and I have been together for 6 years. I've never been googly-eyed about him. What I have for him is a deep love/caring. I've had relationships full of spark and fireworks. I eventually came to a conclusion that if I want a lifetime marriage, I had to look for someone I enjoy spending time with. Even when that time is not controlled by hormones. So, while I am not IN LOVE (hormonally) with my husband, I love him very very much and would never trade him for one of my previous "sparkling" relationships.

I know that we will stand together through thick and thin and not abandon each other if someone flashier shows interest. I have always trusted my husband and that is worth its weight in gold to me.

[denna]

I agree w/ the concensus here. Having another child is defintely not the answer, and you SHOULD tell your husband how your feeling. I was just wondering if you guys have talked about or considered trying to start 'dating' again. Just have some alone time so you could get that 'spark' back. Its just a suggestion, when my DH and are feeling overwhelmed (just w/ work for now we are expecting our first) we take some time to just be together and go out and it really makes a world of difference. I hope you are able to have the chance to try and rekindle the 'spark'. Good luck! And I know you've had other offers but if you want to chat just PM anytime.

Take Care

~Denna~