"Love and logic" parents please help

[janeybwild]

I’m on my third read of the book, and although I like the general approach and philosophy, I’m having a hard time implementing it. The concept of setting limits once, using enforceable statements, and using empathy with consequences fits us well. The idea that small children should be able to learn from their small mistakes to prevent raising children who are sheltered from making errors and thus make bigger mistakes as their choices expand and parental control declines makes a lot of sense to me. Although short and easy to read, I don’t think the book is organized well. There are too many bits and pieces, and I’m confused about what works with a toddler versus an older child (e.g. the diversion/remove from temptation approach or the empathy + consequences approach). Perhaps though that’s just me? It seems to work well for small everyday things like toy snatching, playing at meal time etc., but it’s the big things were I am falling down. Although not a believer in a one approach fits all, I do think there is a way to cover most situations with this approach.

Here’s a good example of the sort of situation that I can’t figure out to handle as a “love and logic� parent.

Megan is 2 ¾ and doesn’t want to take a nap, even when she’s clearly tired. We have changed over to the concept of quiet time in her bed if she doesn’t want to sleep (which usually means she falls asleep :)). This week though, she is kicking and screaming (literally) about not wanting to be in bed. Once in bed, she screams so loud she wakes the baby. We’re not talking screaming crying, it’s the screaming “I’m so mad and if I scream loud enough you’ll come get me� type of thing. Yesterday she yelled for 5 minutes and then fell asleep for 2 hours. It won’t be long before she climbs out of bed I think, which raises a whole other set of questions about how to handle that. I can’t figure out how a love and logic approach works in this situation to address the defiant behavior. Any thoughts from others who successfully use this approach? TIA

[janeybwild]

Bump :)

[californiagirl]

I don't do Love and Logic, exactly, although some similar stuff, and DD is only 2 next week, but since nobody else has leapt in...

I would work on the schedule and transition to the nap. Is it at the same time every day?
Can you smooth the transition to it? Would music, or a book to read in bed, or a video (if you do them) help? Would a different time work better? (And maybe involve getting her screaming done before the baby falls asleep?) And as far as the screaming goes, I'd reflect feelings, and otherwise ignore it. The only real logical consequence of making horrid noises is that people don't want to be around you, and I assume you're already going away... At some other time, I'd talk about waking the baby, and why it's a problem, but honestly, I'd expect the screaming to go away in a few days as long as it keeps not working.

It doesn't help me to think of DD as being "defiant" (yeah, she doesn't want to do what I want her to do, but it's not about ME, and defying me, it's about HER -- she's just following her imperatives). And I always get in trouble if I worry about tomorrow's problems instead of today's. So if I were you I'd worry about the screaming today, and
if she starts climbing out of bed, you can deal with it when it happens. (The usual solution is just to put her back. Don't argue, don't bargain, don't plead -- you can pick a neutral statement like "It's quiet time, you need to be in bed" and make it every time if you want.)