Need advice-dealing with depression...

[R2sweetboys]

I've wanted to post about this for a while but I haven't had the courage or motivation. I've seen so much good advice posted here so I decided I needed to reach out for some now. I know that I am depressed. There's no question there. Part of this is related to the fact that my marriage is not doing very well. I won't get into details, but me and DH have definitely become disconnected and it's just gotten worse. We are more like roommates/parents than a couple. Our communication needs major improvement. So, I know this over time has had a major affect on how I feel. We have an appointment for counseling on Tues. which I'm very relieved about. We both want to make this work but just don't know how.

I'm currently on Zoloft but the problem is that I forget to take it consistently. Dumb, I know, but I think it's partially a side-effect of the depression. I'm trying currently to really make sure I take it because I desperately want to feel better. I'm just not there yet. Right now, it's just so hard to do anything. I know the things I need to do but it is so hard to find the motivation. This is just compounded by the fact that I feel like I am a person with low motivation in general who procrastinates like crazy.(I've always done this) I have great parents and family and had a good upbringing. This makes it worse for me because I can't help but think "Why am I like this? I have NO excuse. I have great family, a decent lifestyle, two great boys." Plus, it's hard to see my parents who've been married for almost 40 years,my sister and BIL and best friend and her DH who have great marriages. Right now I am not the mother,wife,daughter,sister I want to be. And I just don't know how to change this. I'm so overwhelmed by everything. My house is a mess much of the time.(I've never been very neat-I hate this)

I don't even know exactly what I'm looking for here. I know I'm trying to do some things to improve our situation, but what can I do right now to get over this hump? I'm not playing with and enjoying my boys like I used to(we do things,just not nearly as much). How can I fix things when it's hard to just get off the couch? I guess that any advice at all would be appreciated. If there's someone out there who's been there/done that who can tell me how you recovered would be great. I just want to feel better. I never imagined I'd be in this position. Thanks for listening.
~Leslie

SAHM to...
Ryan 8/14/00
Matthew 2/14/03

[Tondi G]

Just wanted to offer some HUGS for you first off! It takes a lot to be able to admit what you have already! You may was to discuss with your doctor about trying a different antidepressant. There are a ton of SSRI's out there and they all work just a little differently. I am on Lexapro and LOVE it. I know people who do great on Zoloft and others who don't!

Don't kick yourself too hard.... it's tough!It's great that you are getting some marital counseling??? I am sure your Dh is feeling what you are and having someone there to help you work out issues can work wonders! I am like you in that I am a procrastinator and often messy.... my DH hates it, but accepts it and does what he can himself and also helps motivate me as well!

You'll get through this!!!! HUGS

~Tondi
Mommy to Mason 7/8/01 and Aidan 5/4/05

[firstbaby]

Is your DH aware of your feelings? Is DH open to marriage counseling? I think the counseling could help on many levels but especially if you feel like your communication styles, etc are not in sync. I also would encourage you to try to think of and do some things for yourself that you really used to enjoy before. I don't know if getting a babysitter is a logistics or financial option for you, but maybe a consistent day a week to yourself doing some thing you enjoy could help. Big hugs, mama. I know this is not an easy road to be on and I'm glad to see that you are working on working through it!

[kristine_elen]

On a totally practical note: Do you have voice mail? My voice mail system lets me set up reminders. (example: every Friday morning the phone rings and I hear my recorded voice tell me it's time to take out the recycling.)

Maybe you could set it up to remind you of your pills. I know there are services that will do this, too.

Or something like this: http://www.epill.com/medglider.html

Can you try to hire a sitter once in a while? Even a pre-teen in the neighborhood who could be a mother's helper for a couple of hours? (While you're there.) You should try to do a few things that are just for you. I wish I would follow this advice more.

Glad you're doing the marriage counseling. Communication issues can be hard.

Best of luck to you.

[tarynsmum]

Leslie-
I know, it can be so hard when it seems like nothing's the way you want it to be. I agree with PP about seeing your doc about changing meds. I'm on Lexapro too and had to go through 2 or 3 before I found one that worked for me. Every med affects people differently. hen I was on an earlier med I could barely remember what I was doing half the time; it was awful. You could try grouping taking your meds with other things you do every day (brushing your teeth in the morning, etc). I found that helps a lot, especially if you need to take it the same time every day.

Remember too, that nobody has a perfect marriage or perfect children, that's the way life is-- no one's perfect and everyone needs help sometimes; I know I have.

Going to counseling sounds like a great idea. Does your husband know/realize how you've been feeling? Talking to him, and talking to anybody really can make things less overwhelming.

You showed a lot of courage just posting about this, and your post has probably helped other moms who are reading it and maybe haven't talked to anybody.

Hope you feel better and everything turns out OK. I'll be thinking about you :)

~Heather

[sidmand]

I don't have a lot of advice--support in spades though! And lots of hugs.

But as far as the medicine, I don't know if this would help, but I was supposed to be taking some medication in the morning and night. I would constantly forget if I had taken it and I didn't want to take too much, so I wouldn't take any, just in case.

Then I remembered (after someone suggested it) that I had one of those pill boxes with days of the week on it. If I fill it up at the beginning of the week with a pill (in my case 2 pills) for each day, then I can just look at it and see if I remembered to take the pill or not. I still do forget sometimes (they had to be taken with meals which is why I didn't just leave it in the bathroom to take at night or first thing), but I think I remember more times than I forget. I don't know how specific Zoloft is about taking it at the exact same time, but maybe that would help a bit? I know it doesn't go to the cause, but that would help remember to take any medication?

Hugs again!

Debbie

Mom to Sawyer!
http://lilypie.com/baby1/060607/0/3/1/-5/.png[/img] ([img)

[saschalicks]

Leslie,
First off yay for going to couples counseling.

I want you to know that you are so not alone. I also suffer from depression and everything you described is a side affect. I also come from a good family and have gone through bouts of feeling not good enough. I think you should consider also getting into therapy by yourself. Having someone to talk to is so key.

The forgetting to take your meds could also be a side affect of Zoloft. Talk to the person who prescribed it to you. I recently read that some medicines (namely Zoloft) make you more forgetful. Maybe, you could get a different medicine.

I am the queen of procrastination. I only do things in spurts of energy. I mean I go back to work tomorrow and now at 4 PM I decide I should do laundry.

{{{Hugs}}}} to you and remember we're here for you.

[betsydenny]

Hey Leslie, Noone has mentioned this but I found out, the hard way, that my birth control was also causing part of my depression.

Before kids I had been taking the pill for years and then when things in life got hard- new city, lousy job, mom sick with cancer- it all fell apart and I needed Zoloft for about 2 years with good results (tho it isnt right for everyone). After DC #2 I went back on the pill (hadnt bothered between kids bc we wanted them close) and within days of going on Ortho Tricyclin Lo, I was miserable. Hating being with my kids (all I wanted to be when I was growing up was a mom- so this was weird) and desperate to get out but nothing was satisfying me and I felt so out of control and weepy. I discontinued it after about 3 weeks and immediately felt better. It was amazing. I felt so much more control once the hormones were out of my system.

Next I tried the NuvaRing which was much better but by the second month again I was feeling out of control and out of sorts. So for the moment we are back to good old fashioned Trojans. But at least I am feeling more normal.

I do have a family history of depression, despite growing up in a happy, normal family and I know there are times when I need help but these hormones in the birth control were definitely negatively effecting me.

So it might be worth talking to your doc if you are also taking hormonal birth control pills because they definitely can have a negative effect on stability!

hang in there. There are lots of us out there with similar experiences and hopefully we can lend a hand or shoulder to help you feel better.
Betsy

[hez]

Baby steps, my dear. You've started a few of them already.

Meds helped me, but I also went to see a therapist. The counseling with your DH will be aa great step-- but don't forget that you might need some 1:1 time with a counselor for yourself, too. When I'd kicked D's butt, I went off the meds for good because I had new skills to deal with things.

Journaling also helped. I kept a journal of how I felt during the day-- tried to pinpoint activities that helped my mood improve and figure out why. I got a LOT of good ideas for those kinds of activities from my therapist. A lot of it seems like it would have just been common sense, but when I was at my low I wasn't making much sense.

Set small goals-- spending an hour each day on something special with the boys, or whatever it is that brings you joy could be one goal. For me, it was making sure I made it to choir every Wednesday, and out to eat with our friends regularly... I would pick one room to clean on a weekend, clean it ridiculously well over two days and then look at that thing I'd accomplished. This was pre-Payton, so I imagine it'd be harder to lose myself in something like that without a little pre-planning for someone to watch him. But you hopefully get the point-- baby steps.

It took some major work to beat the big D, but I was at a point where I did NOT want to be where I was and a lot of faith and prayer kicked my butt into gear to go get help. It sounds like that's about where you are, since you're reaching out. I can tell you from experience that you CAN kick the depression out of your life-- it's not going to happen overnight but you CAN do it!!!

(((hugs)))

[BeachBaby]

Leslie, I could have written so much of your post just a few months ago ... the communication problems, the low motivation, the stable background, etc. What really helped me the most was a combination of individual and couples therapy. I did probably 6 weeks of individual therapy and then my husband started coming with me. We still have rough patches, but things are SO much better now. A lot of what the therapist told us is stuff that we already *knew* we needed to do, but we just needed an objective 3rd party to kick us into gear, KWIM?

As for what to do right now, just do the best you can each day. Don't beat yourself up with guilt if you have a bad day. It's just one day and you get another chance tomorrow. For me, everything was very "chicken or the egg" ... I couldn't pinpoint if it was trouble in my marriage that was causing the depression or the other way around. But neither made the other any better, you know?

One other thing that did help me was trying not to do too much at once. I used to make these lists of all the things I wanted to change and expected myself to just start doing it all overnight. I was totally setting myself up for failure (because I had totally unreasonable expectations!), and then I would beat myself up for being such a loser and then just get more depressed. An example of this is that I had set a goal of getting up every morning before work to exercise for 30 minutes. This is going from not exercising at all, ever. Well, of course, I might do it one day, but then not again for the rest of the week which is no surprise for someone with motivataion issues! I basically laughed at my therapist when she suggested I try for ONE day a week, two at the most. I was like, that's not even worth it! But she said, isn't it better to say and do the 1-2 days a week than nothing at all? I saw her point. :)


I think it's great that you and your husband have an appointment for therapy. I think that really is the first step. I hope you find it helpful and that you are feeling better soon! Hang in there.

[BeachBaby]

Leslie, I could have written so much of your post just a few months ago ... the communication problems, the low motivation, the stable background, etc. What really helped me the most was a combination of individual and couples therapy. I did probably 6 weeks of individual therapy and then my husband started coming with me. We still have rough patches, but things are SO much better now. A lot of what the therapist told us is stuff that we already *knew* we needed to do, but we just needed an objective 3rd party to kick us into gear, KWIM?

As for what to do right now, just do the best you can each day. Don't beat yourself up with guilt if you have a bad day. It's just one day and you get another chance tomorrow. For me, everything was very "chicken or the egg" ... I couldn't pinpoint if it was trouble in my marriage that was causing the depression or the other way around. But neither made the other any better, you know?

One other thing that did help me was trying not to do too much at once. I used to make these lists of all the things I wanted to change and expected myself to just start doing it all overnight. I was totally setting myself up for failure (because I had totally unreasonable expectations!), and then I would beat myself up for being such a loser and then just get more depressed. An example of this is that I had set a goal of getting up every morning before work to exercise for 30 minutes. This is going from not exercising at all, ever. Well, of course, I might do it one day, but then not again for the rest of the week which is no surprise for someone with motivataion issues! I basically laughed at my therapist when she suggested I try for ONE day a week, two at the most. I was like, that's not even worth it! But she said, isn't it better to say and do the 1-2 days a week than nothing at all? I saw her point. :)


I think it's great that you and your husband have an appointment for therapy. I think that really is the first step. I hope you find it helpful and that you are feeling better soon! Hang in there.

[Saartje]

The number one thing to do is stop beating yourself up. You feel what you feel; you don't need excuses or an unstable background to be depressed.

The number two thing to do is get yourself some individual counseling along with your marital counseling.

The number three thing is to get some exercise. I know what it's like to have trouble even getting off the couch (believe me, I'm not just saying, "Oh, I know how you feel!"). Exercise will help ease the depression; energy builds more energy. Especially if you can get outside, since sunshine and fresh air will also help; but don't insist conditions be perfect (if going to a mall and walking up and down the aisles is all you can manage, due to weather or your own lack of motivation, do that) and don't beat yourself up if you can't manage it (remember rule one).

[JacksMommy]

You've received great advice. Being able to take your medication as prescribed should be your first priority, whether you stay on Zoloft or switch to another. The pill boxes and reminders calls/e-mails are a great idea - if you institute some reminder system (you could also enlist a family member for assistance in this) be sure to take the meds AS SOON as you get the reminder.

As PPs have noted, the best treatment is a combination of individual therapy and medications. This is because depressive thinking (beating yourself up, feeling bad about your performance, etc) does not necessarily change even when the meds kick in. So get thee to a counselor as soon as possible.

Depression comes about as a result of a chemical imbalance and is largely genetic although it can be triggered by stressful life events (such as marital problems). 1 in 5 women go through a major depression in their lifetimes and they didn't all come from unstable homes! There is nothing that you did to bring this on - it JUST HAPPENS sometimes. Please believe this. You wouldn't blame yourself for getting diabetes, don't blame yourself for getting Depression!

Hugs to you mama. I will be thinking about you - please let us know how you are doing!

Laurel
WOHM to Jack, 6/4/02
Baby Madeline 12/14/04

[alkagift]

Leslie,
You are not alone in this, so many women have been or are in your shoes. Everyone finds a unique path out of this wilderness, so to speak, so I don't have any concrete advice for you. I've been there, though, so all I can say is to keep your appointment and put your Zoloft on your bedside table with a glass of water so that you never have to go hunt for it. It's definitely something that has to build in your system, so you have to take it consistently!

FWIW, I read this article today and it made me realize that NONE of us are exempt--no matter how well off or how powerful you are:
http://www.runnersworld.com/article/0,5033,s6-187-0-0-9379,00.html


Allison
Mommy to Matthew, who is TWO!

Are you TTC and want to share with BBB friends? Join us! http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/BBB_TTC/