Bad baby behavior?? What can I do?

[SpaceGal]

I'm kind of confused as to what I should do now. DH and I are terrified about raising a spoiled brat. Our nieces and nephews are all very bratty and have their parents wrapped around their fingers that we hope and really don't want DS to grow up that way.

DS is now one and for now our only child. And we are noticing that our former happy go lucky baby is now quite whiny and needy. Sometimes I thinks it's just separation anxiety but I can't be sure. So this weekend DH tells me he thinks DS is being whiny and spoiled. DS cries (and he really good at crying like he's in pain even when he's not) and once you pick him up he's fine. At his 1 year bday party he was especially needy and whiny and cried a lot. Maybe it was all the people who knows. But now with DH raising the "I think we have a spoiled brat" thing I'm kind of conflicted.

I'm a SAHM so maybe that's why DS is how he is the way he is. Not to sound like a bad mom, but I don't pick him up the instant he freaks out for whatever reason he does unless it's something important like he hurt himself or something like that. We let him have free range of the house, I let him roam around the living room and I just keep an eye on him and he can do whatever he wants in terms of exploring and learning about things. Today, he was cranky, tired and hungry, so I tried to feed him and he didn't want the bottle so I put him in the playpen to sleep...he cried for at least 30 minutes straight. I know he's used to me holding him until he falls asleep and I know it's not something that will just change overnight but what should I do. DH would like him to be more independent and I'm not sure how you teach a child a year old that. Maybe I should put him in day care and go back to work, I feel like I'm doing something wrong.

What do I do?

[C99]

What do you do? Stop listening to your husband.

Babies of 1-year or more can be "spoiled," to some extent. But you are NOT going to raise a spoiled brat by attending to his needs or comforting him when he cries. If he cries because he is lonely or in pain (could he be teething? have an ear infection? be overtired? these are the most common reasons that babies this age turn from happy-go-lucky kids to grumps, IME), you're not going to spoil him by responding to that. In the same vein, just how independent does your DH think a 1-year-old should be?!? Children and babies aren't mini adults. They develop at their own pace, and part of that development is learning independence. But an emotionally independent 1-y/o is more a cause for worry than something to celebrate, IMO. The best way to foster independence, IMO, is to create a strong attachment. My 10-m/o knows that I will comfort/feed/change her when she needs it, and that makes her more likely to explore/play on her own.

[Melanie]

Just what Caroline said.

My son was just like you describe at his first birthday, too. Moral of the story? Big First Birthday Parties really are ONLY for the parents. He was miserable. I felt awful.

[jenjenfirenjen]

Hmmm...Well, I personally don't think spoiling your child has anything to do with picking them up when they cry or letting them cry themselves to sleep (mind you, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with either.) Rather, I think raising a child that is not spoiled has more to do with them realizing that the world does not revolve around them and that the parents are in control.

I think you do this by involving your child in your life. Your child needs to see that you have things to do that have nothing to do with them (be it cooking dinner, taking a shower, whatever...I just try to let my DS learn by observing me doing things that don't necessarily involve him and learning that sometimes he has to wait while I do them, etc.) This doesn't mean you neglect your child and the extent to which you can do this varies by age. At one year, I don't think I could expect my DS to occupy himself for very long, maybe 5-10 minutes.

As far as establishing control, I don't mean that you rule with an iron fist or anything. I think that you have to set boundaries and enforce them consistently. I think children thrive knowing that their parents are in control and will act consistently. I try not to tell my DS "no" every second of the day but there are things which are definite no-no's and I never, ever back down on these issues. I have a very spirited child and he tests me constantly but I will not give in on these things and he is learning this.

Anyway, that's my two cents. I understand you and your DH's concern about raising a spoiled child. I just think you need to differentiate between making your child feel loved and secure (meaning, it's ok to pick him up when he cries) and making sure he has boundaries and perspective on his place in your family.

[pritchettzoo]

IMO there is a huge difference between a "spoiled brat" and a child who likes to be held. A one year old has few means to communicate his needs other than crying. Even my 2 1/2 year old who is extremely verbal sometimes just needs to be held.

To me a "spoiled brat" is more about material things than affection. The kid pitches a fit because you don't buy every toy in the store--that's a spoiled brat. Your kid wants some hugs and kisses from his parents, that's healthy.

Snuggle your baby now. He'll be independent and off to college soon enough. Babies are going to need lots of attention. They will cry when they don't get it. There is a problem when they *stop* crying because they know you don't give a crap.

Anna
Mama to Gracie (Sept '03) and Eli (July '05)

[papal]

Hear Hear. (or is it Here Here).

[SpaceGal]

Everyone THANK YOU so much!! I needed reassurance that I wasn't going crazy. I mean yes there are times when he's whining and crying when I just can't handle it because I'm in the thick of things. But you also reminded me that he is just 1. And the fact that he let's me make dinner, wash dishes, and other chores without screaming through the whole thing is a blessing. It's been hard to know what's normal and what isn't since both DH and I were not around children a whole lot until we had our own. We only saw our nieces and nephews on vacation and we always would come home scared and shocked at these kids...so cute but insane at the same time. I also think that DH hasn't seen other kids pitch a crying fit in front of him, and I haven't seen too much of a crying episode either that sometimes I feel that DS is a bigger crier than other babies but it doesn't bother me that he is.

I do begin to think that my DH really wants discipline and kind of feels DS should be that way now. Granted DH and I both we raised in very "iron-fisted" households and I agree that I don't want our children out of control. This whole weekend I kept telling myself that DS couldn't possibly be manipulating us already. I did tell DH last night that if he expects DS to be independent now, he won't give a crap about us when he's our age because DH is that way towards his parents. He just didn't say anything. He does agree that DS might be young for discplining but he does get easily annoyed at DS when he throws a fit or something. I get the feeling DH will be the stricter one in this family which is fine but I hope he also shows he cares too. I guess we shall see as we go along.

I do really cherish the times that he just wants to be near me when DS will bury his head in my lap just for some love and hugs. *sigh* I do know it's hard to raise kids now and I so try to be a good mom. My SILs all have these monsters that are so out of control that when they come to visit and leave people are talking non-stop about how nuts their kids were. And just as DS turned 1, I know time flies so fast and soon he won't want me even touching or hugging him.

Oh well now I'm rambling but really thank you all for reminding me of how children are and letting me just vent it all out.

[pritchettzoo]

If your husband is a reader, you may want to get some books for him to help him figure out exactly what kind of parent he wants to be. That sounds odd, but Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn really opened my eyes about "discipline" and expectations of children.

Anna
Mama to Gracie (Sept '03) and Eli (July '05)

[SpaceGal]

Thank you Anna I'm off to the library to find that book.

[C99]

>front of him, and I haven't seen too much of a crying episode
>either that sometimes I feel that DS is a bigger crier than
>other babies but it doesn't bother me that he is.

I think it's REALLY hard to tell what other babies are like, because you aren't around other babies 24/7 as you are with your own. He may cry more than other kids his age, he may cry less than other kids, but it doesn't really matter what other kids do because he is what he is and it's not going to change. You have to accept what you've got in this regard. Babies don't read child development books!

>I do begin to think that my DH really wants discipline and
>kind of feels DS should be that way now. Granted DH and I
>both we raised in very "iron-fisted" households and I agree
>that I don't want our children out of control. This whole
>weekend I kept telling myself that DS couldn't possibly be
>manipulating us already.

Well, he can be, but it's not willful manipulation. It's more social manipulation. I recommend that you read Burton White's Raising a Happy, Unspoiled Child. In the book, he covers the stages of child development in the first 3 years. He does say that babies start manipulating their parents in a social way at 7 months, but it's really more of a "hmmm, can I get mom to smile if I try to play peekaboo with her?" kind of way at that age.

>I do really cherish the times that he just wants to be near me
>when DS will bury his head in my lap just for some love and
>hugs. *sigh* I do know it's hard to raise kids now and I so
>try to be a good mom.

I honestly think that 99.9% of the parents who read and post to these boards are good parents. The fact that you are asking questions and thinking about these things puts you ahead of the parent who doesn't care how her child or her parenting compares with other children/parental behaviors.

> My SILs all have these monsters that
>are so out of control that when they come to visit and leave
>people are talking non-stop about how nuts their kids were.

In defense of your nieces and nephews...most children act up/out after traveling or in an unfamiliar environments and/or with unfamiliar people. They may not really be monsters, but that is all you see because you don't see them all the time.

[mommy111]

Your post (and what you said about being a SAHM) completely cracked me up because here I am at the end of an exhausting weekend thinking my just-over-1 DD is that way because I work and so she's extra clingy over the weekends. I think that just around 11 months or so, kids go through this character change...maybe its because they understand more and can't really communicate. So I draw the line at other things (no following mommy into the bathroom, no food pitched on floor!!!) but I don't ever refuse to hold her when she puts her arms up. And (don't mention this to DH ;)) I cuddled her to sleep tonight because today was extra hard on her (very cold so couldn't take her out so she was in a bad mood). I've asked my cousin repeatedly (she has the most well-balanced and behaved kids I've ever met) and she keeps telling me how all her kids went through a phase like this.
FWIW about DHs, my DH doesn't really have a sense of where she is understanding-wise at this stage, so he said, very suggestively, to DD one day when she threw a minor tantrum 'If I had acted like that at your age, I would have been spanked.' Not that I think he'd actually spank DD, but I couldn't bring myself to talk to him for a good 30 mins after.
OK, just rambling at this point....
good luck with DS, he'll grow up to be a well behaved little boy, don't worry. Just the fact that you're thinking about it means you'll do fine, IMHO.

[randomkid]

Hey there:

Where do I start? He is only a year old and still needs his Mommy. If you attend to his needs now, he is probably less likely to act out when he is older. A lot of behavior problems stem from attention seeking behavior. We went through this with my stepdaughters at a young age. The youngest had terrible temper tantrums until she was left in her room with no attention until the screaming/crying stopped. 2-3 times of totally taking attention away from her during the tantrums and they stopped! The girls used to fight with each other to get attention until we called them on it. DH would say, "You can get our attention in other ways." Guess what? The fighting would stop.

Don't think of it as spoiling him. He needs the love and affection right now. Besides, I think it's just this age. DD has started becoming very whiny at times and we just tell her to stop. That doesn't mean that she stops, but I'm trying to establish a foundation. Hopefully, it will carry over to when she does understand - worked with my stepdaughters. They would whine and DH would tell them that he would listen to them when they could talk without whining. It really worked!

A good friend told me that her DD became very whiny around 14 months. I agree with a PP that they understand more, and I think they know what they want, but can't communicate. For this reason, I have been teaching DD sign language. She is just starting to understand that different signs mean different things, but it's already helping. Just tonight, she started to sign "more", but changed to "milk", so I got her milk and that's what she really wanted. I truly believe that communication frustration is a big issue at this age. The best you can do for him is reassure and comfort him.

That being said, there is a difference between nurturing and discipline, which I do think is needed to a degree at this age. The best way I know to explain what I mean is with examples.

- DD always gets picked up and held when she wants it. If she is upset and crying, I comfort her. The only time I don't is when she is obviously screaming because she is mad (i.e. I took something away that she wants). In that case, I just continue what I'm doing (changing diaper, dressing her, etc.) and ignore the crying, but tell her something like, " oh honey, you're ok" or "stop that, it's ok" in a reassuring tone without bringing too much attention to it. Distraction still works sometimes, but not always.

- If DD is holding her cup upside down and letting milk drip out or throwing it off her highchair onto the floor, I take it away from her and put it in the fridge. When she cries for it, I tell her she can have it back if she stops doing that. When I give it back, if she starts again, I take it away again. She gets about 3 chances and usually she will stop or lose it for good. I know they don't understand all the words, but they understand a lot more than we think they do.
ETA: Just to clarify - I don't withhold food/milk as discipline. I just know that if she keeps playing with/throwing her cup, she is pretty much done with it. I've found that if she still wants it, she will stop after the first time.

- Tonight, DD didn't want to go to bed as her routine has been messed up since being sick and she has been up later than usual. Now that she is better, I'm trying to get her back on schedule. She still takes a bottle at bedtime, but wouldn't tonight (she knows that means bedtime) and just started screaming. I put her in her crib and left the room with the bottle. I knew she would need it before bed, so I just let her cry/fuss for about 15 minutes. I went back in and tried again. She still wouldn't take it and cried. I gave her a paci, sat down with her and did not allow her to get off my lap. Once she started to settle down, I showed her the bottle. I just held it in front of her until she decided to take it (about 2 or 3 minutes). Once she took it from me, I took out the paci and she finally drank her milk. After that, she was fine and I put her to bed with no problems. She wanted to stay up, but I had to let her know that she couldn't. However, by letting her take the bottle when she was ready, I gave her a little control and she settled down.

It's those little nuances that you have to work on. There is a big difference between spoiling and loving your child. Just remember that almost all DCs have temper tantrums at some point and to some degree. It's to be expected and is not a result of spoiling. It is part of their development and struggle for independence. Your DH need not worry, your DC will be independent soon enough. Take care of him now while he needs you.

HTH,

[KBecks]

It sounds like you're doing fine. If DS is able to play by himself a little bit and lets you get things done around the house, that's great.

I wouldn't worry about the behavior of your nieces and nephews yet. I'd say that you need to figure out your house rules, but they'll come into play more around age 2 or 3, when your DS will start to test boundaries a lot more.

I also think it's common for DH's to worry about discipline. My DH has criticized me for being more lenient (I will let DS run around w/o pants if he struggles to get his pants on too much, for example, and he wants me to give in to DS less, that's ok.) I also think I'm not ruining him by being a bit flexible now.

It's important for your son to feel loved and secure, and it's important that your DH establish and nurture a close relationship with his son. I'd be more concerned about DH and DS having good time together, like playing together and reading together and cuddling, rather than worrying about spoiling. Of course you need limits, but at this age, I think the limits are more basic (nothing unsafe), plus a few others that may be important in your household.

So, stay patient with the crying, and just use your common sense about what is acceptable and what is not. You'll have plenty of time to establish and enforce house rules and to teach your chlild how to have good manners, follow house rules and get along with people.

[cmdunn1972]

Hmmm... You may have touched on something there when you mentioned separation anxiety. It's common in children just learning how to walk since for the first time they start to realize that they are separate entities from Mom and Dad. They can walk away from you. (GASP!)

DS is now 10 months and went through that briefly when he first started walking. (He started walking at 9 months and toddles all over the place now.) When it started interfering with his sleep, everything I read suggested that kids going through separation anxiety need more comforting, not less. They need the reassurance that even as they learn mobility and independence, that Mommy and Daddy are still always there for them. (Think of it this way. Even as adults, we are still better equipped to conquer the world when we have the support of our parents. If adults need it, then so do our babies.) Our solution, as suggested by the books, was to offer more physical comfort and cuddling. DS is a happy little boy, but when he comes over to me and climbs in my lap, I'm happy to spend a little extra time with him. (I have noticed that he's more needy and cranky when it's close to bedtime/naptime/feeding time. He's also a touch crankier when he's teething.)

Even if it isn't separation anxiety, giving him the comfort he craves might help. Elizabeth Pantley's book, "The No Cry Seep Solution" contains a method of gently weaning your child to sleeping more independently without CIO. It also touches on special situations such as separation anxiety.

(ETC typo)

[cmdunn1972]

Hmmm... You may have touched on something there when you mentioned separation anxiety. It's common in children just learning how to walk since for the first time they start to realize that they are separate entities from Mom and Dad. They can walk away from you. (GASP!)

DS is now 10 months and went through that briefly when he first started walking. (He started walking at 9 months and toddles all over the place now.) When it started interfering with his sleep, everything I read suggested that kids going through separation anxiety need more comforting, not less. They need the reassurance that even as they learn mobility and independence, that Mommy and Daddy are still always there for them. (Think of it this way. Even as adults, we are still better equipped to conquer the world when we have the support of our parents. If adults need it, then so do our babies.) Our solution, as suggested by the books, was to offer more physical comfort and cuddling. DS is a happy little boy, but when he comes over to me and climbs in my lap, I'm happy to spend a little extra time with him. (I have noticed that he's more needy and cranky when it's close to bedtime/naptime/feeding time. He's also a touch crankier when he's teething.)

Even if it isn't separation anxiety, giving him the comfort he craves might help. Elizabeth Pantley's book, "The No Cry Seep Solution" contains a method of gently weaning your child to sleeping more independently without CIO. It also touches on special situations such as separation anxiety.

(ETC typo)

[SpaceGal]

Reading all your posts really has helped me understand or well see the situation better. I guess DHs all have a different point of view of things than mommies do. I did talk to DH about the brattiness/neediness issue and he said well he might not be bratty but he is needy. And I explained to him that maybe it's just how it is now and that he might just grow out of it. I know there's a lot for me to learn since this is my first time with a child...and hopefully when and if we have other kids, I hope I can better understand my baby's needs. I guess I have a lot of trouble learning to trust myself...don't get me wrong I'm not a total basket case I just sometimes second guess myself when others raise points and all. I admit that it's hard to know how much a one year old understands because I know he's fairly smart and intuitive but at the same time he's still a baby.

As for my nieces and nephews striking horror in my mind, please don't think I judge children on the encounters I have with them since I know how things can be different when having visitors and kids acting different. I suppose "they" scare me because it's not just other family members that find the children scary, but even th parents admit they children are out of control. They are seriously one step from nanny 911/supernanny cases. I do really love and care for my nieces but seeing the wear and exhaustion of their parents is what terrifies me about the whole "spoiling" thing.

Man, this parenting business is quite tiring but at the same time I look at and think about DS and he's all worth it.

[SpaceGal]

Reading all your posts really has helped me understand or well see the situation better. I guess DHs all have a different point of view of things than mommies do. I did talk to DH about the brattiness/neediness issue and he said well he might not be bratty but he is needy. And I explained to him that maybe it's just how it is now and that he might just grow out of it. I know there's a lot for me to learn since this is my first time with a child...and hopefully when and if we have other kids, I hope I can better understand my baby's needs. I guess I have a lot of trouble learning to trust myself...don't get me wrong I'm not a total basket case I just sometimes second guess myself when others raise points and all. I admit that it's hard to know how much a one year old understands because I know he's fairly smart and intuitive but at the same time he's still a baby.

As for my nieces and nephews striking horror in my mind, please don't think I judge children on the encounters I have with them since I know how things can be different when having visitors and kids acting different. I suppose "they" scare me because it's not just other family members that find the children scary, but even th parents admit they children are out of control. They are seriously one step from nanny 911/supernanny cases. I do really love and care for my nieces but seeing the wear and exhaustion of their parents is what terrifies me about the whole "spoiling" thing.

Man, this parenting business is quite tiring but at the same time I look at and think about DS and he's all worth it.

[BeachBaby]

But the thing with Nanny 911/Supernanny cases is that almost always it is the *parents* that the Nanny is correcting. So, don't fault the kids, fault the parents.

As for a needy one year-old, I can all but guarantee that you will end up making him more needy and clingy if you take away or limit his source of comfort ... you and your husband. I believe that "tough love" may have its place and time, but it's really not right for a toddler. Your son has limited verbal comprehension; he can't understand if you tell him "please don't whine" or whatever. What he does understand, though, are your actions.

Honestly, I think your husband needs to be more compassionate and realistic. He is expecting a level of emotional maturity that your son is just not capable of. Looking at it objectively, why shouldn't a 1 y.o. be needy? He can do almost nothing for himself. And when your husband is cranky or has had a bad day, wouldn't he like for his family to be kind to him instead of dismissive and rejecting?

We all want to raise our kids right, but the way you parent changes as the child ages. You don't parent a one y.o. the same way you would a 4, 10, or 17 y.o.

[randomkid]

I agree that they may not understand "please don't whine", but I still talk to DD as if she does. We do talk to them about other things so they learn language, so why limit what we teach them? Sometimes when I ask DD to stop whining, she does stop. Maybe she only understands "stop", but it works and she is learning. I also believe in respecting your child. I really learned this with my stepdaughters. Since they aren't my own, I think I was a little more polite with them. I found that they really responded to it, so I do the same with DD. I use a lot of "please" and "thank you" with her unless she is really not listening, then I use a more firm tone.

Don't get me wrong. I comfort and hold and carry DD alot! She is a very happy and confident toddler and I'd like to think that the way DH and I respond to her has a lot to do with that. I just think that at this age you have to start to set boundaries in a gentle way. We never did CIO and DD just started getting herself to sleep around 12 months. Maybe it took her longer than some other babies, but now she will fuss for a minute or two, then she settles down. If she really needs me, she will get really upset, then I go check on her. Trust me, ITA with comforting and giving your DC what they need. I hope that I wasn't misunderstood in my first post. It was so late when I wrote it that I probably didn't make sense (I have to learn that I can't post when I'm tired! :-)).

Your right OP, parenting is a tough and tiring job, but so worth it. Just trust yourself and know that if you don't want a "bratty" child, you won't have one. It's all about your expectations and consistency with him...not about withholding love and comfort.

[proggoddess]

Maybe try teaching your DS sign language. I found that helped immensely with DD. She has had very few tantrums and communication frustrations. Then it might be easier for you to figure out what he really wants instead of always carrying him. (Like maybe he isn't really all that sleepy, so you rock him until he falls asleep eventually anyway.)

Signs we used the most often were: more/again, help, up, eat/drink, done/don't/enough.

DD never really signed to us when she was sleepy, but she would try to go to the gate at the stairs, then try to climb into her crib when we got to her room.

I agree, you can't spoil a 1 yr. old except maybe in the toy department. :)

[JacksMommy]

I think the fact that you and DH are terrified of raising a spoiled brat means that this is probably the thing you need to worry least about. Meaning that if anything you will be more likely to set too many limits as opposed to too few (which leads to "spoiling"). I know because DH and I are this way also. I think it is more or less impossible to spoil a child at your DS's age - he is still at the age where he needs to learn trust - that his needs can and will be met. Trust your mommy instincts and give him what deep inside you know he needs. For me that is basically whatever my 14 month old wants as long as it feels within reason for me.

As DS gets older (past two), you will notice that behavior is more clearly "willful" and designed to get something that may or may not be okay with you. That is ok, and you can set limit whereever you feel comfortable. Try not to set limits just for the sake of saying no, there will be plenty of NOs in our children's lives without us having to put extra ones in!

As for raising spoiled brats - should you at some point feel that this has somehow happened, it is in fact possible to stop it and regain control of your house. It's not as though you can fail to say no once or twice now and your child will be lost to you for life! "Spoiling" IMO is a result of a lifetime of not having proper limit-setting.

Really, it sounds as though you're doijng just fine. I like that you are giving him freedom to roam and do his own thing. Sounds as though a book about child development (the Burton White book sounds spot on) would be a good thing for both of you to get some awareness about what to expect at each age.

Don't be too hard on yourself, girlie! Most of us just wing it most of the time!

Laurel
WOHM to Jack, 6/4/02
Baby Madeline 12/14/04