DH totally unsupportive of birth plan

[jenjenfirenjen]

I don't know why I'm surprised since he wasn't supportive of my plan to have a non-medicated birth with our first baby. For that birth, we just took the basic hospital birthing class (during which he fell asleep.) I read several books on natural birth and I planned to use various labor positions and time in the jacuzzi to cope with the pain. Unfortunately, I had to be induced which meant no jacuzzi and after 12 hours of labor, I finally consented to an epidural. My mom flew in and was there with me and DH through most of the labor and delivery. As soon as she got there, DH went to sleep and until I started pushing, he was not involved.

So, this time, I'm really committed to having a non-medicated birth. So much so that I'm delivering at a birthing center where pain medication is not an option (unless I want to transfer to the hospital across the street.) Chances are my mom will not be able to make it for the labor so I'm pretty much stuck with my husband.

I've really not given any attention to preparing for this birth and I'm starting to get a little scared that I can do it. I thought about taking a Bradley course but couldn't even bring myself to ask my husband to take a 9 (or 12!) week course. Plus, I never found any that would fit our schedule. So I've decided I'd like to take a HypnoBirthing course. It's only four weeks and it's near home and fits our schedule. I mentioned it to DH this morning and he just said in an exasperated tone, "Oh great!" I said, "Thanks for your support" and walked away.

So now I'm really getting nervous about this birth. I feel like DH is not on the bandwagon so to speak about a natural birth and I think I will really need him to be. I'm starting to wonder if I shouldn't just find a friend to be my labor partner and leave DH at home with DS. I just feel really alone in this. Has anyone else dealt with this or have any suggestions as to how to get DH involved? Thanks if you've gotten this far.

[Wife_and_mommy]

nak i'm sorry your dh is so unsupportive. my dh was as supportive as he could be even if he preferred the hospital. He was not a good coach with dd though i asked him before her birth if he'd be my coach. i would have found a doula otherwise.

i learned my lesson and had an awesome birth with ds. dh was alot better by then but the doula was truly my saving grace.

i urge you to find a doula. Bradley instructors usually work as doulas so even if you don't take the class you could have have the benefit of the relaxation w/ her talking you through it.

hth. sorry so disjointed. will write more later if i can but bottom line--you NEED a coach.

Elizabeth
mommy to DD('04) and DS('06)

http://www.gynosaur.com/assets/ribbons/ribbon_gold_12m.gif[/img][/url]

[dawell0]

Hugs to you. I have no experience, so my only suggestion is to hire a doula to assist you. I have a DH that THINKS that he will be enough for me and verbally claims that he wants to be involved, but he will probably spend most of his time at the snack bar at the hospital rather than my bedside, so I understand. UGH men!

[mommyj_2]

Hugs to you. I know this must be hard.
I don't have any suggestions for getting DH on board, but wanted to suggest some other options. I think labor will only highlight any tensions that are already there, so one option would be to accept that your DH feels the way he does, and to create a supportive environment for yourself. Can your birthing center recommend a good doula who could be there with you when you're in labor? Also, do you have a friend who might be willing to be your partner for the birth, or at least go to the classes with you? One other option is to go to the classes by yourself. We had some women who had really unsupportive spouses in our birth class, and they just came by themselves. They talked about their lack of support, and we all gave them support. My sister also went by herself because her spouse was totally unsupportive. She said it sucked at first, but then she was fine with it.
I'm only suggesting these options in case your DH doesn't come on board. It's your body, and you need to do what you think is best for you. You are already making choices to support you in your decision (with your choice of location).
I think a lot of spouses aren't all that supportive of their wives during birth. I bet it freaks some of them out, even though they wouldn't admit it.
I'm all about building my own network of support when I need it. DH is usually really supportive of me, but sometimes he's not (since no two people can agree all the time), and when he's not, I tend to turn to friends, or to create situations in which I am receiving the support I need. There's nothing embarassing or strange about having a spouse who's not always on board with what we want.
I know the BBB mamas will be sending you lots of support and happy labor vibes.

[kath68]

Hugs! My experience is a little different than yours but, I wanted to chime in about the doula -- having a doula was great for us.

I know DH loves me with every fiber of his being, but I knew that going through birth classes, let alone the real thing, would be hard on him. It has a lot to do with our history, that makes hospitals an especially difficult place for him to be. At the same time, it really freaked him out for us to do an alternative birth environment, since I am older, has some past health issues, etc -- a hospital was the only place for us.

This is all to say that not all DHs are created equally when it comes to coping with the enormous stressors of seeing their wives go through birth. I think it is easy to forget that it is a huge emotional deal for them, too (worrying about the health and well-being of their wives, taking on tasks supporting her in totally foreign environment, etc), and no one ever asks them what *their* needs are.

Ask your DH what he needs to get through this. Yes, it is about you and your needs, but it is about his, too. For us, a doula was a great solution -- she supported DH as much as me. You don't want to end up resenting your DH because he didn't perform like you needed him to. Accept what his limitations are, and find someone to help you both get your needs met.

[firstbaby]

It sounds like my DH is not that different from yours. I posted something very similar a few days ago about giving Hypnobirthing a shot even though DH will be whispering in my ear the whole time "Just get the drugs". I am not going with a doula simply because of cost but if it is an option for you I would also encourage you to go for it. I think some DHs think we want a non-medicated birth to "prove" something but it is so much more than that! My DH also lasted one birthing class at the hospital so my fingers are crossed that hynobirthing will work for both of us. Hugs!

[daisyandacorn]

Wow. That sounds so hard.
Without getting in to the issues with your husband, I'd leave him at home with DS(sounds like he'd be fine with that) and hire a doula or ask one of your close girlfriends to be there with you.
You can do it!-once you get a little bit of support I'm sure that you'll feel more positive about the situation.
Good luck.
Susan

[aguinn]

sorry your DH is being so difficult. is he one to share his feelings on things like this so that you might be able to come to some agreement about making a plan together? don't get me wrong - you're doing all the work and you should be the one to call the shots (IMO), but including him might help him lighten up.

i second, third and fourth getting a doula! i didn't have one for BB and insisted on one for LB and it made a WORLD of difference! she was great and there for both of us. she's also a certified massage therapist, which made a HUGE difference than at our first birth where my DH left bruises because he didn't know what he was doing in terms of providing counter-pressure to the contractions.

since you've given birth before, i'd recommend ditching the classes - it's a lot of time to put in and money to pay (in some cases) where you may never end up being able to use what you learn (i hope not, but you never know). your body will remember what to do, and a supportive coach/doula will help give you the delivery you hope for.

good luck,
;)amy
momma to DS#1 "Big Brother" (BB) and, finally, DS#2 "Little Brother" (LB)

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http://b1.lilypie.com/ur0Am4/.png[/img][/url]

"Children are the living messages we send to a time we will not see." ~ Neil Postman

[jenjenfirenjen]

Thanks everyone for your kind and thoughtful responses. I totally agree that a doula would be a great idea and I'm going to look into it. Unfortunately, I already know that my DH will not be supportive of this idea as well and will balk at the money. I discussed having one last time and he thought it was ridiculous.

He is a scientist and does not understand why I wouldn't want to give birth in a hospital with all the medical advances and use whatever pain medicine is available. That said, he did agree to using the birth center this time, even though he would rather I be in a hospital. He came to the intro session at the birth center, asked lots of questions, and I think was satisfied enough that he didn't object.

Anyway, I'm going to try talking to him. I'm sure HypnoBirthing sounds pretty ridiculous to a man who's never heard of it before. Also, I know he is super busy at work and the thought of 4 weeks of classes probably stresses him out. So, I'm going to try to not get pissed and just talk to him calmly and see where I get. Wish me luck!

[BaileyBea]

My DH is an engineer and everything to him is either black or white.

Well when he first heard of a Doula he was not thrilled about it. We read The Thinking Woman's Guide to Childbirth together and this book really helped him realize what some drugs really do to women and babies.

Then the next thing is that we realized that a lot of our friends who were not prepared for the birth of their children usually ended up with the worst experiences. I kept bringing up some of the problems our friends had and how we could avoid those problems. He slowly got the picture and he ended up being great in the birth room.

Do you have a good friend who could be your side-kick coach and support you when your DH can't? Someone other than a Doula?

Also, a good friend of mine's DH did not want to pay for the Doula, so I helped her have a Garage Sale and between that and sneaking in $10-50 on cash back everytime she went to the grocery store and used her ATM. She got the Doula. She sold clothes at the consignment store too. Afterward her DH was so happy they had the Doula there to help. It was fun helping her come up w/ways to make $ for he Doula that her DH would not complain about.

Good luck taking to your DH. Wishing the best for you.

[muskiesusan]

While my DH was on board with my decision to go natural (he took Bradley with #1), he travels a bit and could not attend any Hypnobirthing classes with me. We were also afraid that I would go into labor while he was traveling, so I had prepared myself that I would be alone in labor. I practiced all scripts by myself so I knew I could do that on my own. I also hired a doula (worth her weight in GOLD). I had also instructed DH that if he was there, he was never to mention the use of drugs.

I just wanted to add support and let you know, if your husband isn't on board, as long as he isn't a disturbing force during labor, I think hypnobirthing will give you the tools you need to have an unmedicated labor (it is self-hypnosis after all, lol). But, I would highly suggest a doula, I think the hospitals should have them on staff for every labor! They are priceless.

Look into finding a "fear release" script or tape from HypnoBabies. I think you would find it helpful!

Good luck.

Susan
Mom to Nick 10/01
& Alex 04/04

[Lmoor]

I agree with some of the other posts in educating your DH on some of the effects drugs can have on the baby AND ON YOU!!! Medical advances are great and I often welcome them, but they are not always the first answer.

I would really recommend having a doula. They are typically around $500-$600, and they are well worth the money. My DH was very supportive of my decision to have a natural birth, and he was very supportive at the birth, but I am almost positive I would not have made it without my doula. My DH would have had no clue what to do with me by himself. He uttered maybe 10 words during the whole process! Just having someone there with some experience in the process helped enormously. Although every birth is different, I really benefitted from having someone there that more or less knew what to expect and what my options would be at each point.

As far as classes - my husband and I took a basic birthing class which didn't help at all. They focused on the Lamaze method, and the only thing we got out of it was information on the types of drugs they might use and how it would affect me and the baby. I don't know if I personally would have benefitted from a Bradley method course. In hindsight, I feel like my body and instincts took over during my contractions, and I did what I had to do to get through. Lots of deep breathing... Doula also offered helpful hints during the pain.

Good luck on convincing the hubby...

[Globetrotter]

Since he's a scientist, he is more likely to respond to scientific research that shows the benefits of having a doula (which I think is a good idea for anyone who can afford one, but essential in your case!) and going natural.

DH was also extremely busy at work, so I found a one day Birthing from Within course. It wasn't as good as the series, but we got a lot out of it. Or just go alone, maybe with a support person, if he won't go with you.

Kris

[karolyp]

Hey Jen!

I know your previous post said you wouldn't consider a doula bc of the cost, but I just wanted to share that I've read a lot of posts about doulas and have learned some great, and creative, ways to be able to afford one.

There's a member here (her user name is essnce629)who was in training to become a doula. She mentioned using craig's list to look for a doula in training since their fees can be cheaper. Here's her thread:

http://www.windsorpeak.com/dc/dcboard.php?az=show_topic&forum=37&topic_id=281558&mode=full

And I've read read lots of posts from mamas here who have paid less for experienced doulas because they needed the hours or evaluations done.

Anyhow, I hope this info helps and good luck tonight with your DH. OT: Are things any better with him? (thinking back of an older post from you)

[kath68]

I think the approach of "educating the scientist" is really helpful -- so long as they are willing to read the books! DH hates all the birthing/baby-rearing books. Anything that smacks of the touchy-feely loses street cred with him. But a good data-driven article from a resepectable website, he'll eat it up. Fortunately, there are good resources out there about the positive medical effects of doulas, health concerns about meds, etc. So long as it was couched in terms of minimizing the likelihood of a complication, and backed up with data, DH was more willing to spend the time on it.

(I have to add here, that it sort of surprised me how little DH wanted to know about pregnancy and birth -- he is someone who overstudies things by nature. I think the difference here was that DS's birth was so emotionally charged for him that he couldn't take it on objectively as a subject to study. He had to keep it at a distance if he was going to get through it.)

DH hated the classes because they were a waste of time, in his view (there is no worse offense to DH than wasting his time!). I have to agree with him there. So I get your DH's reluctance to attend. I wouldn't get upset over that.

Also friends of DH who have kids seem to have a lot of sway. DH has a few daddy friends who seem willing to share their daddy experiences -- for us, it has helped DH understand pregnancy, birth, bf'ing, toddlerhood, everything under the sun, to have a few friends of his be willing to talk about it all with DH. Somehow it is more legit coming from another guy (esp. a geeky scientist guy) than from me. Or a book. So does he have guy friends who will talk to him about this?

[essnce629]

I've completed my DONA birth doula labor training and I'm in the process of getting my certification right now. My suggestion, for anyone who doesn't think they can afford a doula, is to look for one who is also in the process of getting certified. Many of these doulas will only charge a small fee or may even do it for free. As part of our certification, we have to attend 3 births AFTER our DONA training, although many of us have been at several births before our training as a non-certified doula. I've been to a ton of births from being in nursing school as well as being an uncertified doula at my mom's friend's births, but I haven't gone to a birth after my training yet (which was 2 months ago). In my case, I plan on charging $250 for my first 3 certification births, and after that I will up my prices. For reference, the average doula here in San Diego charges $450 to $700 so $250 is a huge discount. And that price includes 2 prenatal visits, 24 hour availability by phone and email, the entire labor and birth, 2 hours after the birth, and a postpartum visit a week or two after the birth. You can always post an ad on your local Craiglist saying you're looking for a doula in the certification process, or you can go on the DONA website, look for a doula training workshop in your area, and contact the doula in charge of the training. She will have a list of all the newly trained doulas that have just gone through the DONA training and can give you a few numbers of available doulas. Here's the DONA website: http://www.dona.org

***Latia
Conner, my homebirthed water baby, 8/19/03
http://www.babiesonline.com/babies/a/aug2003angel
http://www.gynosaur.com/assets/ribbons/ribbon_sapphire_24m.gif Self-weaned at 24 months! http://www.windsorpeak.com/dc/user_files/9870.gif

[jenjenfirenjen]

LOL, I had to laugh at your suggestion of talking to other guys. In that dept, I'm probably lucky that DH has been supportive as he has of my "alternative" birthing/parenting philosophies. All the guys at work think that I am completely nuts and tried to convince DH NOT to let me deliver at birthing center.

[Wife_and_mommy]

Another option is asking an established doula(if you know one) to do a reduced-fee for you. They can't do it for everyone but most, if not all IMO, will want you to have a great birth and will do all they can to help you towards that goal, including reducing their fees if finances are a hindrance.

[jenjenfirenjen]

Just to clarify, I'm not saying I won't consider a doula. I just know DH will be against it. And it's not that we can't afford it. We totally can. He will just think it will be a waste of money. So it's one more thing I'm going to have to talk to him about. Yippee!

[caheinz]

Yikes! I'm a scientist, and I had an unmedicated birth and a doula!

Sounds like he isn't looking much into the science -- just assumes that what the doc says is best. You will need to work on gently educating him...

We used a doula with DS, and I think even if I didn't want a doula for a #2, DH would! (And he is supportive!) And, yep -- doulas working on their certification won't charge anywhere near as much. Also keep in mind that if you have any IRL friends who've had a natural birth, they might make a great personal doula as well.

Good luck!

[Wife_and_mommy]

Okay. In that case it's something you NEED. I talked to mine about how important a natural birth was for me and he finally accepted it. I realize yours might not be convinced but I think letting him know that it's a necessity for you regardless of his feelings on the matter is very important.

I know how hard it can be to have an unsupportive dh and totally feel for you. I will tell you that when some friends of ours had their baby last week, he actually said he couldn't believe what a great birth we had outside of a hospital(their birth was very similar to our hospital birth--not good, in other words). I couldn't believe my ears! There is hope and it might take time but it can happen. My dh is proof. :)

Edited to add that natural(i.e. unmedicated) birth isn't for everyone(including my dh, even now ;) ) but if it's for you, it's totally worth anything that will get you to that goal(barring injury to mom/baby, of course!).

I promise you, you won't regret all the heartache this issue is causing you now. I'm speaking from the other side. :)


Elizabeth
mommy to DD('04) and DS('06)

http://www.gynosaur.com/assets/ribbons/ribbon_gold_12m.gif[/img][/url]

[essnce629]

Here's some articles on the benefits of doulas that your husband might read:

http://www.cnn.com/2005/HEALTH/08/23/profile.doula/

http://www.findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m0ISW/is_256/ai_n6258860

http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/cgi/content/full/114/5/S2/1488

http://www.nytimes.com/specials/women/warchive/980519_1234.html

I don't know if it's possible, but try to get your husband to read "The Doula Book" by Marshall Klaus. It is a compilation of the 15 scientific studies that have been done on the benefits of doulas and should appeal very much to his scientific side. It's full of statistics, graphs, and percentages :). I'm very science-minded as well (biology and nursing background), and I know it just blew me away with all the statistics! Awesome book.

***Latia
Conner, my homebirthed water baby, 8/19/03
http://www.babiesonline.com/babies/a/aug2003angel
http://www.gynosaur.com/assets/ribbons/ribbon_sapphire_24m.gif Self-weaned at 24 months! http://www.windsorpeak.com/dc/user_files/9870.gif

[kath68]

If I were you, I'd lobby for the doula as something that gets him off the hook. No need for boring birthing classes, he doesn't need to worry about doing all the birth coach stuff, etc. She can help take a load off *him*. A doula is as much for the DH as the mama! :)

I pretty much told DH that I was hiring a doula, it wasn't up for debate (not that he was opposed to it), and I was doing it for him, not for me. I didn't want his level of participation to be an issue during the birth -- a doula would allow him to participate as much or as little as he wanted/needed, and no matter what I would have my needs met.

[KrisM]

My DH and I are both engineers and I really wanted a drug-free birth the first time. I had to about drag him to Bradley classes. What helped for that was that Bradley was 1.5 miles away and the hospital classes were 40 miles, so even though it was more, it was less time.

Anyway, after 2 or 3 classes, he finally "got" why I wanted a drug-free birth so much. He really got into it. Unfortunately, it didn't go as planned and I had a c-section. This time, we're doing Hypnobabies and he's always reminding me to practice and relax, etc. If you could get him to read some of the info, or maybe talk to a Bradley teacher about the benefits of drug-free, maybe the science would sway him.

[ErinMC]

I second Latia's suggestion to look for a doula who is in the middle of her certification process, if the money is an issue. I haven't used a doula myself, but at my prenatal yoga class (the instructor is also a doula herself), she often will announce that she knows doulas who are undergoing certification, and will attend births for free, so that they can get the training.

Good luck!

Erin

Mom to Chase Feb. 04

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[DebbieJ]

Hire a doula. Or, find a like minded friend to be your support person through labor and delivery.

Believe in yourself. You can do this. We were designed to do this. Women have been birthing without pain meds for THOUSANDS of years. They did it, I did it, you can do it, too.

Edited to add: Since your DH does not agree and does not have faith in you to do this, the least he can do is be supportive. It is your body, you get to decide how to birth this baby, so he needs to either get on board or shut up, IMHO.

~ deb
DS born at home 12/03
2 year check up: 25 lbs with clothes on and 35 inches!
BFARed for 20 months and 6 days
(Breastfeeding After Reduction is possible! www.bfar.org)

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