DH sibling issue - long... and strange!

[spu]

So my DH has 1 immediate family member left - his brother, who now lives a mere 25 minutes away. He's a few years younger, and married, no kids yet. For some strange reason, it's like pulling teeth to get together. We're lucky if we see them 2x / year. For christmas, they couldn't find time to get together with us either before or after, so they gave the girls their christmas presents in the parking lot at a restaurant in Feburary. strange??? Last year for christmas, they wanted to give the girls their presents at thanksgiving time. strange again?? I'm glad they want to give the girls presents, but not like this!

In fact, my DH has cousins on the opposite coast that we see more often - even me! and I'm not even blood-related. We've been pretty persistent about trying to get together, and specific too - about dates, etc. so it's not a random "let's get together soon" kind of thing... and nothing! They say "the dog has a vet appt. or it's so hard working 5 days a week (try that, plus 3yo twins!)...

How persistent would you be about keeping the relationship alive? By the next time we see them, I'll be sporting a big belly, and we'll be practically moved into our new house. I don't want to one-up them because they moved into a new house last summer - which we've yet to be invited to!, and they don't have kids. In fact, I finally invited ourselves over last month and said "We want to come see your new house. Are you free this weekend or next?" - thinking that maybe they didn't think we were interested... and their reply was "we thought it would be best to wait until April"... April? What gives? Is it because we have kids and they are afraid of terrorizing the house? Are they ashamed of their house? Are they truly that busy that they can't spare a couple of hours one afternoon? I wanted to see their new house, and just enjoy them and their house, and not talk about me, the new baby, or our new house... I told my DH that we dont have to say anything about being pg, and let them think I just got fat! teehee!

I can't hide the fact that my DH and I work our tushies off to get where we are, waited to have kids, don't spend $ in bars or casinos, and take modest vacations...

I wouldn't make such a fuss about it, and everytime I do, I end up getting DH in trouble (he gets yelled at for something, or his DB asks for $!), but I promised in my wedding vows that I'd make sure they stay close. and they should see eachother once in a while - they get along great when it's just the two of them (or the three of us...)

I'm almost at the point of having DH ask his brother if everything is ok ... but his brother would probably get defensive and withdraw even more... (btw, brother's wife is an only child from a divorced family..) We keep trying so no one can say it's us... We even had their wedding shower at our house when I was on bedrest. Now try that on for size. (I don't think I got a thankyou note for that either...) I don't think it's us, because DH's parents always said "brother" would go underground and surface again when he needs something... But isn't that odd for a 30-something adult?

what would you do? nothing? I feel bad for DH. He and his brother are like little kids when they're together (which only happens when brother's wife is busy) and you can see this incredible close bond between the two of them. I suppose all we can do is keep trying so he knows we and DH are there...

susan

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[BillK]

No clue whatsoever if this is it - but speaking from experience - when my wife and I were in the middle of "trying" to have a kids and dealing with infertility - the last thing we wanted was to be around folks with kids (relatives/friends/whatever - it really didn't matter)- although we still made it to family functions and so forth even though it was pretty rough at the time. Of course things have changed now and such - but just tossing that out as a possibility.

[spu]

I totally agree with that. We thought that could be it, too, and I know her mom is pressuring her to have kids too.


susan

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[brittone2]

As a fellow poster that has gone through IF this also popped into my mind as I was reading it. I definitely retreated socially during that difficult time in our life for a multitude of reasons...depression, frequent medical appts, and honestly, a desire to not be around people w/ kids. Frankly, going to the mall and seeing lots of parents pushing around strollers was extraordinarily painful some days.

That may be a long shot but it definitely occurred to me as a possibility too. 1 in 6 couples goes through some form of infertility.

[kedss]

My mom and her brother are the same way. Now, for the first time in years they live fifteen minutes apart, and they rarely talk to each other on the phone let alone visit each other. But when they get together, they always have a blast!

Anyway, we(their children) have given up trying to get them together. Its up to them to try to have a relationship.

hugs to you!

[kellyotn]

>I can't hide the fact that my DH and I work our tushies off to
>get where we are, waited to have kids, don't spend $ in bars
>or casinos, and take modest vacations...

I'm not sure, but do THEY do these things? If they do, are they "embarrassed" or defensive by the fact that they do and you don't? I don't know, that statement just jumped out at me in a weird way. :)

The April thing, maybe they are having work done on the house and want to wait until its done?

If your house is nicer (and they care about keeping up, etc.), you have the kids and they don't (but want them and are having troubles) - I can see the avoidance, NOT that its right, but I can see it. Does it seem to be more on her part?

How would a teasing, "Gosh, I'm beginning to think you don't want to see us!" would go over...

I don't know, sounds like a tough situation, its sad to see each other so infrequently when they are so close-by.

[Mommy_Again]

Maybe for the time being your DH can try to develop the relationship with his brother alone? You said they get along great when it is just the two of them, and *their* relationship is the priority here, not one between couples (that would be nice too, but not as important and brother to brother). Maybe your SIL has insecurity issues and she is the driving force behind it. If it is just your DH and BIL, he won't have to convince his wife to participate.

And I think once they do have kids, you'll see a whole new dynamic to the situation. The infertility theory is a valid one, or else maybe she is just socially insecure and can't handle it. Or maybe she just doesn't like to be around small children. Who knows...but I bet your BIL would be up for some one-on-one time with your DH alone.

[jesseandgrace]

Maybe they feel as if they don't have anything in common with you guys - IMO that shouldn't matter for family, but I'm sure it does to some people. As a matter of fact I'm positive it does. My sister thinks she has nothing in common with our step sister, and I'm sure our step sister feels the same way, and they just don't spend any time together at all. It sucks, but you can't make people want to spend time with you if they don't want to. It sounds like you value the fact that you guys save money, work hard, and have kids. They migh value their freedom, spending money when they want to, and just doing nothing with their time off from work. But, if they are actively trying to have kids it does sound like it could be because of that too.

When you say you can't hide the fact that you guys do XYZ, did you say it that way because you think they want what you guys have? That can definitely interfere with a relationship, because if they do want it, it can be hard to see someone else have it, and if they don't want it, it can be annoying to be around someone that thinks everyone should want what they have (not that you are doing this, but maybe they feel that way?). The only reason I mention that is that from your post it sounds like there might be a little competition there as far as you not wanting to one up them with the new house. I think the advice is great about letting your dh try to see his brother alone and get a feel for things. I am a huge family person, and I was letting myself get worked up about trying to have relationships that others didn't neccessarily want to have until my BIL (a psychiatrist) told me point blank that even though I am a certain way, others may not be, and I was going to hurt myself until I dealt with that reality. Good luck!

[spu]

these are all great thoughts and advice -- thanks everyone! I definitely don't want them to feel threatened, esp. with kids, the house, etc... and being a little younger than we are, I can see that they may feel insecure... Plus, DH is happy with his job, and I don't think either of them are. They definitely do different things socially than we do, too. We were never into night stuff, clubs, casinos, etc... but it's always nice to get together for munchies, or get together and watch a game or something that the guys love doing anyways.

DH and BIL have such a great time when they're together. I'm going to encourage DH to spend as much time as he can with BIL and let their relationship be the best it can, and not worry so much about all of us getting together.

thanks again!

susan

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