UPDATE: daycare drama -- am I overreacting?

[jhrabosk]

Just wanted to thank you all for your replies...even the ones I didn't like to hear. :) I talk frequently about how I like posting here b/c support from "strangers" is sometimes more comforting than support from friends and family. You all have nothing to lose by being honest. Strangely, I'm finding tough love to be the same.

You all told me what I already suspected was true...I need to back down. In my mommy mind, no one is ever going to care for DD as well as I do (not even her daddy or grandma!), so I need to accept that she's happy and choose my battles carefully while I continue to explore my options (how to stay home, nanny, etc.). I asked the director, in what I hope was a constructive way, if we could arrange a time to talk about DD's routines at home and daycare so that we can all work together to get her the naps she needs.

In the meantime, I'm going to smile and maybe bake them some cookies this weekend. :)

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Let me preface this by saying that we're already investigating hiring a nanny, but before I make that leap (and incur the additional expense), I need to be sure that the problem is my daycare and not my own expectations.

My DD is almost 5 months old and goes to a daycare 4 days a week. At home, she naps beautifully...at daycare, she naps very little and never in a crib. Other than that, she seems to be doing ok there...doesn't seem unhappy to me. But I'm miserable. I critique everything they do and I'm afraid that it's going to affect my relationship with them.

At the same time, I don't feel that they're terribly communicative...for example, I found out this morning that they've started putting her in an exersaucer for short periods (just a few minutes a day). Well, we don't have one at home by choice and even if we did I don't think she's ready for it yet. I know it won't cause harm, but shouldn't they have consulted with me first on something like that?

I wonder though if I'm just trying to micro-manage b/c of my own guilt for not being with her full-time. Believe me...I spend the better part of every day trying to figure out how to stay home and I just can't make the numbers work. And, if that's the case, it's not going to be better with a nanny.

Do I just need to accept that she's safe, clean, fed, etc and let them take care of her as they feel is best? If I complain about every little thing, I'm going to be the problem parent and I don't want it to affect the way they care for her.

TIA,
Jessica

[boogiemom]

Honestly, yes. I do think that to a great extent you have to accept that she's safe, clean, fed, etc. and let them take care of her. I don't know of anyone who will truly let you completely dictate how they are to care for her to the nth degree. I have seen the way a "problem" parent can affect the way a child is cared for and it isn't positive. Personally, I would request that she is put in a crib for naps if that is what you want. I do think that is a valid concern. As far as the exersaucer goes, we have used one for both of my DS' for short periods of time throughout the day. My DS' liked them as it gave them a way to sit up and interact a bit differently with the world. I wouldn't want her in it for extended periods of time but I think she likely enjoys it as she is growing more able to "play". My sons each started using theirs at about 4.5-5 mos. so I don't think it's unreasonable to think that she is ready to try it. Honestly there are so many things required of childcare providers that I don't think it is unreasonable that they didn't consult you on something like that. It's a pretty typical "accessory" to use with a baby so I'm sure it never even occurred to them that you would have an issue with it. I don't think you will be happy with anyone else caring for your sweet baby unless you are able to adjust your expectations. When you choose someone to care for her, you are putting your trust in them to make some of those minor decisions that come up throughout the day. It sounds to me like she is happy there. Hopefully you can become comfortable with trusting them to care for her.

Good Luck!

[squimp]

In my experience, it's really important for you to be happy with your child care. It really does help with your feelings if you can go to work and not worry constantly about your child. I would not compromise on this, so no I would not be able to accept that just her physical needs are met. It doesn't sound to me like they're doing anything wrong, but if you're not happy and comfortable, then it's not working for you.

I looked into a few daycare facilities, and felt that it was a fine choice, but I really wanted to be able to control everything for the first year or so, thus we ended up hiring a part-time nanny. You still might not be comfortable unless you find the right person. But it was a great decision for us. By 18 months my DD was really eager to spend more time with other kids, so a preschool/daycare was a good choice for her at that time.

[Jen841]

It is hard. I've been there, done that 2X!

Your child is safe and happy. That is what is important. I have to think it is a loving environment, or you would not have elected it.

Daycare does not do things as I would always want, but my kids seem to be just fine. Jude LOVES going each day, and Evan just smiles and coo's at his teachers that seem to be crazy for him.

Personally, the exersaucer is one of the best inventions. With Jude I could have never showered without it. Everything is OK in moderation IMO. It is nice she has a different of variety of things at home and at school, right?

You don't want to be the problem parent. We were at a party last weekend with the daycare teachers. They were gossipy about the demanding parents. I admit, I brownnose a bit in hopes that my kids get a little extra TLC when needed.

You'll find a balance : )

[Lynnie]

I would talk with the director, and make sure you understand the daycare's philosophy on a lot of things, including nap times, bouncy-seats/exersaucers, and communication. If they don't line up with what you want, maybe start looking for another one, or see if they'll work with you to provide you with what you want. (I actually used one at home, and wanted to bring in the bouncy seat, since DS1 was addicted, but they said no)

At my DS's "school", they have a policy against exersaucers, bouncy seats, swings, etc. They feel that the babies should either be in the cribs sleeping, on the floor (mat) playing and being played with, in the little chairs or someone's arms being fed, or being held. I liked that. They told me that up front, so I knew they'd never be in an exersaucer. If they did use them, though, I would not have expected to have been notified about something like that - BUT if they were put in one and I didn't want them to be, I would certainly have spoken up, and asked them not to use it.

About the napping - how long has she been there ? both my boys slept great after the initial adjustment period. The arrangement was good though, in that the sleeping area was in another connected room, so it could be dark and quiet, with just soft music playing. And, the teachers would do whatever it took to help them get to sleep (up to a point) like rocking, patting, etc.

I am always very involved with the classrooms, and will try to make it a point to talk to the teachers every day. They used to send home little sheets about what they did, but mainly it was just a log of eating, diapers, and naps. I think if you talk to the teachers upfront about your needs and wants for your dd, they will respect them and work with you as much as possible. (and if not, and they are important to you, it doesn't sound like a good fit).

I guess I am saying I would definitely communicate my desires and expectations to them and see if they could meet them, so that you won't have to complain after the fact. And maybe you could brainstorm about finding ways to help her sleep there, too, in the crib. Rested babies are much nicer to be around, at least with my two, so it is to everyone's benefit that your DD sleeps ! And, you are the mommy and its your baby, and you have every right to want to make sure you agree with what is planned for your baby during her time in school. (can you tell I help alleviate my own guilt by calling it school....)

No daycare is perfect though, and there are usually little annoyances. As long as they stay little, it should be able to work out. Good luck !

[Severine]

You've received a lot of excellent advice from these ladies. I had a hard time "letting go" since I like things done my way. But in the end, there doesn't have to be one way to do everything. As long as your child is safe, clean, fed, and loved, that's most important. If there is something you feel strongly about (or against), you need to let them know. But it doesn't seem to me that they did anything wrong.

At DD's daycare, their policy is for naps in the crib. BUT, DD wouldn't nap in the crib at first so they kind of let her be if she fell asleep in the swing. Once she got used to napping in the crib, though, she was fine... but she won't nap for more than 45 min there, while she'll nap up to 2 hrs at home (and regularly naps for 1.5 hrs in both the morning and afternoon at home). I think the environment is somewhat to blame. Too many exciting things going on or things to explore. Plus the other babies can be a distraction. She has been on the receiving (and giving) end of babies making too much noise to sleep. That's not the daycare provider's fault. It's nobody's fault. It just comes with the territory.

DD's dayare also has a tendency to tell me about things after they've happened. One thing did really bother me (they used cereal to thicken baby food I had brought in for DD - we don't feed her baby cereal, and were adamant about organic foods only). I was miffed, but they were doing what they thought was helpful. I learned to compromise (I brought in organic baby oatmeal in case it was ever needed... which apparently, they haven't used it since so that must have communicated what I felt deep down inside anyway).

Unless you are there providing the care, there is no way anyone can do everything you would do the way you would do it - not even your significant other. It's just something we all have to accept, unfortunately. But again, if there is anything that is really important that it be (or not be) done, you need to let them know.

[kristine_elen]

My kids aren't in daycare, but I wouldn't think a daycare would ask about putting a child in an exersaucer. That seems pretty basic.

I don't know about the naps.

[dhano923]

I think you may be overreacting a bit (sorry). I don't think they need to tell you when DD uses a new toy or something. Babies can sit in an exersaucer after they are able to hold their head up (with blankets around them for support). My son started in one at 5 months, and my DD is about your DD's age and we've put her in the exersaucer for 5-8 minutes already with blankets. Would you want them to call you if they were going to put her in a swing or on a playmat?

As long as you like the caretakers, you like the place she's in and she seems happy, everything is fine. If they are qualified caregivers, then they are experienced at what they do. Don't critique them on everything and become the problem parent -- my aunt used to try and micromanage her daycare and they finally asked her to withdraw her daughters because they got tired of it. This is something you need to pick and choose what the important issues are and what isn't a problem.

[denna]

I wanted to try and offer you some perspective from someone who once worked in daycare. I worked in daycare for about 6 months w/ children ranging from 6wks to 24mos (not in the same class room) and with my experience I did not mind what you called the 'problem parent'. Maybe it's because I was pregnant the entire time and sympathized w/ the parents but a majority of the girls I worked w/ also had children so they understood the parents too.

My only suggestion is speak your mind and let them know if something is bothering you. I would try not to be too critical, but also you have to tell them how you want your child cared for. As long as you speak to them respectfully (IMO) they shouldn't consider you the problem parent. Honestly we appreciated the parents that asked stuff about their children and voiced concerned because honestly a lot of parents just didnt seem to care. These were the parents we 'discussed' amongst ourselves the most. :)

Like pp have said you need to be comfortable w/ your provider in order to function at your job. So talk to them maybe set up a 'parent/teacher' conference and voice your concerns and listen to their's as well.

((Oh and by the way Im not sure if this is just certain daycare center's policy but we were NEVER allowed to let the babies sleep ANYWHERE but their crib. Occassionally they would fall asleep in a bouncy seat, but we would put them in their crib asap.)) Also if she is sleeping less at daycare than at home it could be due to the noise level or because she is in an environment that provides her w/ soo much stimulation. She sounds very happy though. :)

And "No" to answer your topic question I do not think you are overreacting. I hope I didn't ramble on too much and that this provides some support for you.

I really hope this helps you and good luck,

Denna

[kransden]

You are overreacting but it is understandable -this is your child. As for not napping in the crib at daycare, it's probably because DD doesn't want to miss anything! There is so much noise and fun going on she doesn't want to miss out on the action. As for the exersaucer, my dd didn't like it at home but loved it at daycare. She could see what's happening more. I doubt the workers had a clue that it would upset you.

With daycare you have to think about what is important to you and draw your line in the sand - just don't make it a box! If there are too many things you have issues with, then maybe you need to go elsewhere. Otherwise, the workers should have lots of experience with new nervous moms and will be understanding. My dd was a colicky screaming baby. Anything, anyplace or anyone that kept her happy was good with me. Feeding her, I was very rigid about. That was important to me.

If you want to stay home, is there anyway you could work evening or weekend hours? Maybe watch another child along with yours? You just sound miserable about not being there for DD.

Karin and Katie 10/24/02

[kellyotn]

Oh, I'm sorry you are feeling so conflicted.

Your exersaucer story made me chuckle though. With my first, using the exersaucer (at 4.5 months, BTW) was a huge "milestone". It involved fanfare, videotaping, the whole nine yards. With the second, I was busy caring for both, trying to work from home and keep the house together. One day, I realized he was old enough and plopped him in it unceremoneously one hectic day for a few minutes. Later, I felt terrible when I realized the difference in this "milestone" for both!

I wonder if what bothers you is that it makes your baby seem a bit older and that it was something you missed?? Other than the exersaucer :) I was **very** behind my friends in introducing a lot of little things for no other reason than it just didn't occur to me that "my tiny baby" was old enough to do x,y, and z until I saw other similar aged babies doing it.

I'm sure your daycare workers just didn't even consider that it would be something that would bother you. I don't think in their place, I would have either, really. It can certainly be overused, but it doesn't sound like that's the case. My kids REALLY enjoyed them. Gave them a different perspective on the room and they liked the bouncing and sitting up.

It sounds like it is a nice place and that your baby is happy there, but that you are sad to have her anywhere. Totally understandable. But you are right, you don't want to be overly-fussy over every little detail - for your sanity and theirs. Even a nanny will have different ways of doing things that you probably won't forsee until they are past. Plus, I know for me, I think a nanny would make my jealously and guilt worse! It still might be the right choice, just something to consider. ;)