2nd baby coming soon - Help/advice needed (Long)

[billysmommy]

We are running into some issues here and I seem to be at a loss of what to do.

Billy knows about the baby and is very excited but we just started talking about how when the baby comes, Mommy is going to go to the doctor's for a couple of days and Grandma and Grampa will come stay with him. Well now he has been waking up in the middle of the night asking if I am still here. When I drop him off at school 2 days a week or go to the store, he tells me he doesn't want me to go to the doctor yet. My mom (who is coming to stay with him) has come up with a few fun places for them to go so we have started talking that up.

He also has become very clingy with me which I am starting to lose patience with. I am trying so hard to remember he is only almost 3 and he doesn't understand what is happening. But the clinginess combined with the lack of sleep and just uncomfortable end of pregnancy feelings is really starting to try me. DH helps out as much as he can, we are self-employed so long hours at work. Starting next week I am stopping work on Wednesdays which is one of the days he goes to school so will have one full day to myself which hopefully will help.

I also am getting the "2nd baby blues" and wondering how this baby is going to fit in our lives and how Billy will react and just missing what Billy and I have now. I feel guilty because I can't roll around on the floor and play "chase" all day with him anymore like we used to and he doesn't understand why which I think is adding to his frustration.

Any advice on any of these things? Any tricks that helped you get through the end of your pregnancy with a very active toddler? Billy and I appreciate any and all help :)

[janeybwild]

Hi Lori, congrats on your upcoming arrival. I remember being more nervous about how Megan would cope with my absence than with the prospect of Dana's birth, so I know where you are coming from. Megan was/is on the attached side too. At that time, she had never been with anyone other than DH or our nanny, and certainly never out with anyone else. I have to say that for her, less info was/is better so that she had less to worry about. We had other caregivers (e.g. SIL, GF etc.) come over for “playdates� with her and me before, but didn't make a big deal about it. Could you do something similar, and then after he's comfortable with them and you, have them take him for a treat and bring him right back (ice cream comes to mind!)? The more I "prepare" Megan, the more anxiety I seem to generate in her and just make it all worse. Now, I am much more matter of fact about what's coming up, and keep it close to the actual event since she has no concept of extended periods of time (i.e. the day before). So, on the day we went to the hospital to deliver Dana, we told her that GF would be here in the morning get her up and to play with her, and that she could make a list of 2 things she wanted to do that day (she picked the park and ice cream). She forgot to worry about us being gone. Dana was born in the afternoon, so DH was able to go home and put her to bed. He told her they would be going to see Mommy tomorrow, but I believe that because he was not anxious about it, neither was she. She was fine with it. On the day we come home, SIL and BIL took her to the zoo, so that we could settle ourselves. Bear in mind this was the first trip out of the house with anyone else, and it didn't phase her a bit. I really think the practice, and the emphasis on mommies and daddies always come back (a Music Together song) really helped. Since that time, her confidence has truly blossomed. Getting a few books from the library helped to (Will you still love me?, and Za Zas baby brother were hits with her). HTH and good luck!

[kellyotn]

I agree, maybe he's just getting too much info that he can't process and its causing him stress. My DD was 2 when I had DS, so I don't really have any 3 year old/new baby advice. But, I do know that even now at 3.5, she just doesn't get time-lines. We'll tell her that we're going to see Grandma in 2 days and she'll just ask all day long, "When are we seeing Granny?" Two days just doesn't *mean* anything yet.

So, maybe he is getting all anxious with the specific information and you should back it off a bit. Be more excited about "grandma coming to visit" and "the baby getting here", but back off about you being away for a few days, etc.

I knew I was having a c-section with my second and it stressed me out thinking about how my oldest would handle things as I was a SAHM and she was rarely, rarely without me. Then, my DS ended up needing NICU 2 weeks of care and honestly, DD didn't miss a beat. Again, she was only 2, but just had a blast with the grandparents, then with her aunt, uncle and cousins. She visited in the hospital and grasped that mommy was there (I spent nights there too), but really was having so much fun with her new situations that she didn't much care! ;) She was thrilled to see me everyday, but not at all sad or scared when I wasn't there.

HTH

[betsydenny]

My DD was 19 mo when DS arrived so I dont have much advice on that end of how to deal with preparation.

But my basic philosophy with my two kids is that they have different experiences as babies and toddlers just by virtue of being the first or the second. There are pros and cons to both but I have tried hard not to compare their experiences because it doesn't really work. DD had all my attention and energy for that first year and a half and has some wonderful attachements to friends who are exactly her age with whom she has played since she was weeks old. DS spends much more time with older kids and has fewer friends who are his age. He is very attached to his sister.

I can't expect to spend the same quality time one on one with him that I spent with her, however he gets stimulation from DD and her peers that she never got at that age. Different kids, different experiences and in some ways different parenting because they have different personalities.

A new baby does change things but you will be amazed at your capacity to fit him/her right in to your world. In a matter of weeks you will say, what was life like before we had two.

My end of preggo ideas were fairly limited to the playground and television. I am all about you do what it takes to get through the day. Some months that means making arts adn crafts and cooking togehter- other months that means tv. It all evens out in the end.

Sorry if I rambled. Hope this helps in some way.
hang in there!
Betsy

[billysmommy]

Thanks so much for your views :)

My gut feeling is that talking to him about me being away was just too much. The baby is easier as one of my GF's just had one and he keeps asking when we get to have one too. We are going to back off for awhile until it gets closer. His birthday party is in 3 weeks so that is the big focus of the next few weeks, picking out the pinata, cake, plates, etc.

When I had Billy everything just happened so fast, no contractions at all, my water broke and 4.5 hours later he was here - 3 weeks early at 7 lbs 13 oz. I just don't want him to be completely surprised with everything but I realize that is just out of my control.

The great thing is we do have a playground right behind our backyard and we just got a bounce house so we should have more to do in the coming weeks :)

[R2sweetboys]

It's definitely hard taking care of a preschooler at the end of your pregnancy. It's been a while, so it's hard to remember what I did. I do agree with "doing what you have to do" at this point. If it means a little more T.V. and such, than do it. :) It is a stressful time for many of the reasons you've described. As much as possible, try and enjoy this time you have with Billy. I remember clearly feeling the "second baby blues" that you are experiencing. I think it's very normal. Of course we were excited to meet Matthew, but I did sort of grieve the loss of the life we knew with one. I felt sad inside for Ryan having to share me/us after having us to himself for 2 1/2 years. I will say though, that he did very well after Matty was born. We heard the horror stories about jealousy but we really didn't see that.(now it's a different story-it's like World War 2 with them some days! :P You have a while before you'll be dealing with this!)

What we tried to do was spend one on one time with Ryan as much as we could. It's not easy when you're caring for a newborn but it can be done. I remember going to Macdonald's with Ryan about a week after giving birth and he was so happy to have that time with me. I just nursed and then left immediately so I'd be back for the next feed. I remember one of the smart BBB mom's mentioning this trick-on occaision, speak to the baby and let him/her know "Matty, you'll have to wait a minute,I'm doing *blank* with Billy right now." Of course, you don't want to do this when the baby is screaming to be fed,etc. The baby could just be sitting there content but it gives Billy the impression that his needs are important too. There will be times when you may have to tell Billy he needs to wait b/c of the baby, so this lets him know that he "comes first" sometimes too.(even if the baby is perfectly happy) Oh, another idea that you may have already thought of...you could buy/make something special to give to Billy from the baby when he visits for the first time. We made a big deal out of this with Ryan to let him know that his baby brother loved him and was his ally and not "the enemy" IYKWIM. He may enjoy picking out something to give to the baby too.

I hope this helps a little. Take care and hang in there! :)
~Leslie

SAHM to...
Ryan 8/14/00
Matthew 2/14/03