WWYD...

[TaChapm]

We are in a difficult situation right now with Dh family. DH's brother and his wife are expecting baby #1. DH's sister is expecting baby #2 on the same day. We always do a family shower for first time parents which I would help host. We were talking about SIL's shower (which I am gladly hosting since it is a first time baby) and it was brought up that we throw a shower for other SIL. I almost came unglued! Neither one of them even bought a card when Tyler was born. I didn't expect a shower but every other family member got him a little something or sent a card except for DH's brother and sister. It really hurt DH's feelings.

SIL who is expecting #2 sold off all of her baby stuff because she didn't want to store it. It isn't my fault that she didn't plan ahead. I saved everything from Jackson for future babies. Now the thinking is that she doesn't have anything and she is expecting a girl so we should throw her a shower. In my opinion we set her up once and she does have the money to buy what she needs. I think she had also planned on using all of our stuff but since we are expecting again 1 month after their babies we will need all of our stuff.

I said I had no problems with SIL #1 shower (since it is her first baby) but would not help out with SIL #2 shower. If they couldn't so much as send a card when Tyler was born why should I go out of my way to throw her a shower. Not to mention the fact that we too are having another baby and if the basis for throwing another shower is because it is a girl shouldn't we have one as well.

Now people are upset that I won't help out (the showers cost each hostess about $100). Doing that for 2 people who didn't do a thing for Tyler gets to me. Would you bite the bullet and help out with SIL #2 shower or refuse. DH says we will not do anything...period! It is causing a lot of tension though.

ETA: I dont' want this to sound totally shallow. I didn't expect a shower with #2 or #3 but did think that DH siblings could have at least sent a card or somthing. What makes SIL #2 baby more important than Tyler was?

Tara
Mommy to Jackson 11-10-02
Tyler William 6-9-05
OMG!!! It's a GIRL!! Due September 5, 2006!

http://b4.lilypie.com/gzWfm8.png

http://b1.lilypie.com/kLMem8.png

http://bd.lilypie.com/UEZ3m8.png

[KBecks]

All I'd suggest is to only do what you WANT to do, and nothing more.

That said, you should be polite and not complain about what was or wasn't done for your child. Try to let go of them not being giving to you, and try not to hold it against them, just let go of that grudge.

If someone else throws a shower for DH's sister, then you can decide if you WANT to go. I'd probably still give DH's sister some kind of gift... but probably something not too expensive at all. Maybe a reasonably priced outfit, or maybe a case of diapers, or something practical along those lines. Think of it as a gift to the BABY, not the MOM who sounds like she's looking for a handout.

(Frankly, she should go and buy a bunch of secondhand stuff to replace the stuff she sold, but that's not for you or me to comment on.)

Don't expect a thank you note either! :)


ETA: I do think it's fair to say - "I don't belive in showers for 2nd babies," and "no one threw a shower for Tyler," but you have to say it very matter of fact, and not like you are jealous or like you wanted two showers. But, you do have a rationale if pressed. Stay firm, and polite!

Hang in there!

[buddyleebaby]

Well, here's my thinking.
If you do not want to host a shower, don't.

I see your annoyance at being asked since it is her second baby and they didn' t get anything for your second baby. That really wouldn't matter to me personally (Speaking as someone who is having a modified "sprinkle" for this baby). What would bug me is that you will be VERY pregnant and you are already throwing one shower. Who made you the shower fairy?

FWIW, I saved all my baby stuff too. A friend of mine actually called and asked if i could give Abigail's old carseat to one of her friends, because her friend didn't have one to take the baby home from the hospital, and she herself had already gotten rid of hers.
Um, no. She will need a carseat at some point other than coming home from the hospital, time to bite the bullet and buy one! And it was a good thing I declined, because it was about a month later I found out I was pregnant. But I digress...

I would stick to your guns, but don't make it about what she got you for Tyler, etc. Simply say, I'm sorry, I'm pregnant, we have financial restraints, I'm only up for throwing one shower, and that will be for the first time mom. And offer to bring a fruit salad or something to SIL's shower, if she has one. ; )

[firstbaby]

I would stand your ground as well. You have a lot of good reasons to not particiate in hosting another shower. I agree with the PPs just to keep it vanilla that due to financial constraints, etc you can only host one shower and I would probably give a gift for the other SIL but nothing too expensive - a tub filled with bath stuff, etc. What a pain for the family drama - you are lucky though that DH is in total agreement with you!

[egfmba]

I agree totally w/ the PPs. You are not obligated to do anything you don't want to do and you shouldn't feel guilty for not doing something that you don't want to do. If the other people who are giving you grief over this want to give her a 2nd baby shower, so be it. They can do what they want.

BUT you don't have to.

You are being fair between the two SILs. SIL #1 is getting her first baby shower, just like SIL #2 got. If SIL #2 wants another baby shower just because SIL #1 is getting one, then someone else can throw it.

You can send a card for her 2nd baby to show there are no hard feelings and that you're happy her 2nd baby has joined the family. Just because you don't go to a huge financial expense doesn't mean you don't have love for the 2nd baby.

If this is DH's family and he doesn't want to do anything, there's no reason you should go out of your way just because "someone else" wants you to. Stand your ground, mama, and know that you're perfectly right to do so!

Good luck!

eva

[sadie_beth_1124]

Doesn't SIL #2 have friends? Gosh, let one of them host her a shower. I agree with all the ladies so far. It's great that DH agrees with you. But I hope he is at least taking some of the heat too, BTW, and that it is not all falling on you. :)
Hang in there!

[BaileyBea]

I agree w/all PPP that you shouldn't have to do anything for SIL #2 baby.

Tell your SIL about looking at consignment shops for stuff and Freeswap. Where you can swap stuff w/other parents that are giving away stuff for FREE. My good friend did that for Baby #1 and got a lot of great things.

Just help out with your SIL w/Baby #1.

If you wanted to be nice you can get SIL #2 a gift card to Target or BRU, but don't feel like you have to.

Hang in there.

[dhano923]

I would do the shower for SIL's baby #1, but decline SIL's baby #2 shower. Just say "I'm sorry, but I think showers are to help first time parents in buying what they need. Too bad "SIL #2" didn't keep all her stuff like we did!" You can also throw in a little something about you also not having a shower for baby #2. ;)

PS -- I'm glad your DH is supporting you in this!

[JBaxter]

Not shallow at all. I'd host the shower for SIL w/ DC #1. Decline doing one for the other -- It would be too much on you in your expetant state :). Maybe another relative could host her a shower.

[RJPO]

Honestly? If I were in this situation ... ?

I would participate (to a limited extent) in SIL's shower.

I wouldn't host it for the reasons the other posters mentioned: you have a lot on your plate already with one shower to host, and you're expecting, too! But I would probably say something like "I don't think I can handle hosting a second shower at this point, but I'm happy to help out the person who does decide to host it," and then offer to provide the cake or something, and go to the shower with a big fake smile on my face and congratulate the parents-to-be.

I would do it that way because a) family harmony is a good thing and this is the kind of situation that could cause resentments among family members that simmer for *years* and aren't, in the long run, worth it, and b) a new baby in the world is also a good thing that deserves to be celebrated, even if the baby's parents *are* kind of rude and neglectful.

A slightly different perspective ... I wish you the best and hope it all works out!

Rachel
mom to
Mary India, 6/21/98
James Jolyon, 3/23/05
Elizabeth (middle name TK), expected 8/29/06

[Puddy73]

>I would stick to your guns, but don't make it about what she
>got you for Tyler, etc. Simply say, I'm sorry, I'm pregnant,
>we have financial restraints, I'm only up for throwing one
>shower, and that will be for the first time mom. And offer to
>bring a fruit salad or something to SIL's shower, if she has
>one. ; )

ITA. If you mention that you don't want to be involved because SIL didn't do anything for Tyler, you may sound petty. Just politely decline to host it, then show up with a small gift and smile pasted on your face for the sake of family peace.

Jennifer
Mommy to Annabelle 9/08/03 & Finn 10/31/05

"If we couldn't laugh, we would all go insane." - Jimmy Buffett

[eb1]

Are you 100% sure that no one is planning a shower for you too? Or are you assuming this because you did not receive one for your second child?

Hostessing aside, I think you have every right to be offended if your SIL is getting a shower for her second child, and that is not the "tradition" in your family and you did not get one. Now, if she is getting a shower for her second child because she's having a girl, then you should be given a shower for your girl too! Can you ask your DH to find out if this is happening, and if not, to suggest that you be given one as well (I know that's improper etiquette, but neither is asking you to host a shower for SIL # 2)?

Perhaps a compromise (suggested by your DH or another family member close to you, of course) would be if someone ELSE hosted a JOINT celebration for you and the SIL having her second child, and make the focus more on celebrating than gift-giving.

Otherwise, I would not retaliate against SIL # 2 because she did not give you a gift/card for your second baby. That was certainly rude on her part, but perhaps she had other stuff on her plate at the time? But I would also keep any gift-giving to her very moderate. As for helping plan the shower, I would probably do so in a very limited capacity, and definitely not host (I can't tell from your post who, exactly, is making the suggestion that you host).

[alleyoop]

Hard one. This is my 2 cents: In situations like these, I always fall back on the lead-by-example thing, or "what would I like them to do for me?"

When I was pg with #2, no one offered to give me a shower, even though it was a girl and we didn't have girl stuff. If they had offered, I probably would have declined it gracefully. But that is just me. If you feel that way, don't host but go with a nice thoughtful present. Tell them that you decline to host because you couldn't "do it justice" or "want to focus your limited efforts on the first-time mom" or "I would love to joyfully attend, buy am going to have to bow out of the hosting duties" or something. But keep it short and sweet.

If in your heart you think they should be throwing you a shower, show them how you want to be treated. Then drop "EVERY new baby deserves a nice welcome" or "It is the least I can do, she is having a NEW BABY" or even, "Well, I know she would do the same for me!"

Families aren't a level playing field by any means... So I like to think of it as teaching them something about ME and how I want to be treated. YKWIM?

Good Luck!

[saschalicks]

Tara,
I totally agree with DH and your perspective. My mom was just confronted with the same situation. My cousin is getting married in August. My aunt (not her mother her aunt too) called my mom and said do you want to throw her a shower? My mom said "no b/c no one did anything for my daughter when she got married". My mom feels that b/c her and my dad are the most financially secure they are *expected* to pony up the dough. My dad was very upset his own sister didn't participate in any showers for me. On the other hand my best friend threw me a shower for each kid. I will do anything for her when she has kids.

You are absolutely right. If they couldn't even send a card well then oh well. I would stick to your guns, especially since DH is the one whose feelings were so hurt he has a right to say no to his sister.

HTH

[TaChapm]

Thank you all for your input. I would NEVER dream of saying that I won't do for SIL #2 because she didn't do for Tyler. Even though we were a little hurt by it I would certainly NEVER mention it or bring it up to anyone in the family. That is just tacky.

There is a group of 2 of DH cousins and his SIL and Sister who share all of the shower duties. That makes for 4 hostesses for each shower. We usually buy a big gift or two for the mom to be along with a few other little items. By the time we do a full meal (always have to do this with DH family), cake, decorations and gifts it usually comes up to about $100 per hostess. It is very expensive.

I do know that there is no shower in the works for us. We don't really want or need a shower. We live 5.5 hours away (everyone else is in the same town) and are only planning on coming in for SIL #1 shower. SIL #2 shower would mean another trip in (add gas money to the cost)and my part as another hostess.

I just think if a second shower wasn't held for one baby then we shouldn't do it for another. The gender thing is what really threw me since we are also having a girl and this is one of the main reasons they thought it would be nice to have a shower for her. In addition we are having to buy another crib since Tyler is still in his and need to buy carseats and of course Girl clothes (I'm hating that :) ).

I had just planned on buying her a gift (even though she did not for Tyler) but DH said absolutely not. He has been really upset by the entire situation and doesn't feel like her second baby is any more special or important than Tyler was or this baby is. I'm just the one who is taking a lot of the heat since I said I wouldn't help host.


While
Tara
Mommy to Jackson 11-10-02
Tyler William 6-9-05
OMG!!! It's a GIRL!! Due September 5, 2006!

http://b4.lilypie.com/gzWfm8.png

http://b1.lilypie.com/kLMem8.png

http://bd.lilypie.com/UEZ3m8.png

[saschalicks]

Again your attitude is fantastic. I think that in the end sending a gift for SIL who's having DC#2 is the best route to go. My SIL never sends anything for my kids and I always send for hers. I just don't want to be like her. Simple as that. You want to be better then them and sending a gift is the perfect way w/out dangling the "you didn't do it for me" thing. Good luck!

[elliput]

I think it is unreasonable of your IL's & DH's cousins to expect you to participate as a hostess when you live so far away. They are being very selfish, IMO. I would have expected an offer of co-hostessing to be made as a courtsey, of course, but a gracious "we understand" when you declined.

I'd listen to your DH with regards to the present issue. It's his family afterall! :-)

[niccig]

It's DH's family, and as he doesn't want anything to be done either, can he call off the family hounds? You shouldn't be getting any heat for not helping - you're a mother of 2, and very preganant with DC 3 for crying out loud. They need to leave you alone.

[kedss]

JMO, but i think its crummy that they expect you to help hostess for SIL's second without throwing you one for Tyler, esp since she goofed and got rid of her old stuff. If I were in your shoes, I would buy a gift. Maybe just some diapers or a blanket.

hang in there, families are crazy sometimes. :)

[jesseandgrace]

I am someone that believes there should be a shower for every baby out there, no matter how many children someone has! I think each child and pregnancy should be celebrated much like a birthday party. My cousin lives in a pretty small community, and they do something called a blessing way, much like a shower, but really a celebration of the baby and the mom. Gifts are given though, but never expected. That said, I don't think you should have to co-host a shower for your SIL if you don't want to, especially because it seems like showers in your family are only given for the first baby, and because I think it is very rude of them not to have a card and a little gift for your second child since it seems clear that they can afford to. I don't expect gifts, but I do think some way of showing you care after a baby in the family is appropriate. I think in order to prevent tensions, families should treat people the same way as much as possible, and you were not given a shower for # 2 or now for # 3, so unless you are all thrown a joint celebration or something, I would be hurt if they did it just for her if I were you. And, if I were your husband I would be pissed.

[lizajane]

ok, travelling while pregnant is HEINOUS so i think you have an A+ excuse not to go back for SIL #2's shower.

but here is the "WWJD" thing i would do- i would send her a nicer gift than i usually would, just to be the bigger person. if you usually do a $25 shower gift, send a $40 gift. you still save $60 on the party, and TONS on the travel expense/inconvenience.

[TwinsItIs]

If I were you, I'd not host anything for sil 2. Why should she be getting a shower now, and you shouldn't? You're also pregnant with a girl.

Hang in there.

[JacksMommy]

As the wife of a DH who has 7 (count 'em) sisters, I'm going to chime in a bit on the gift thing. I get along decently with the sisters but it's been an uphill battle and I've learned a few things along the way. One is that I (as the woman) am the one who gets blamed for not sending gifts, acknowledging things, etc). Fair? Not at all. True? Absolutely. In the beginning I used to take DH's lead with things, letting him decide how to acknowledge events, which occasions we would attend, even his decision was different than mine would have been alone (he would choose to participate less than I). This did not have good results for the aforementioned reason. Mind you, they are not supremely difficult people and can be extremely generous with both time, thought and money but they can get insulted somewhat easily when this is not returned in kind. So I've taken charge of deciding (for the most part) what needs to be done, what gifts should be given, etc.

My point being, if you want to send SIL a gift, consider doing it even if DH would choose not to. Maybe your family is different, but in my family, I would be seen as the petty one whereas DH would get away scot-free, IYKWIM. So unless your DH absolutely refuses, I'd go with your instincts on this one!

Laurel
WOHM to Jack, 6/4/02
Baby Madeline 12/14/04

[masha12]

Laurel is absolutely correct! If a couple fails to do something in the gift-giving/gift-acknowledgment department, the blame falls to the wife.

You don't have to agree with it, but you have to know it is out there.