?? for moms with nannys, sitters, and children in daycare

[momofjandl]

Hi all,

I'm a stay at home mom to two boys ages 3 and 2. We've never had a sitter with the exception of an occasional friend or family member. My oldest has several food allergies.

We are working on starting a business and will need some care for our kids. Part time now and closer to full time in the fall. We are not sure whether or not we would go with a nanny, day care, etc. I once worked in a day care (prekids) and just felt that it wasn't for me. Though there are advantages and disadvantages to both.

Both boys will be in preschool a couple of mornings a week in the fall. First of all I am looking for some tips from experienced moms on where you get your child care leads etc. How things have worked out for you, what you prefer (nanny vs. day care), and how you made sure you were able to find a great, experienced, and safe person.

I'm having a really hard time letting go and am worried about what could happen if we got a not so great nanny. The flip side is I am worried about them not getting the care they need in a day care setting.

We also need a part time sitter so I am leaning towards a nanny on that end for the flexibility. Though I don't know how I feel about another person driving my kids around.

I know I'm a bit paranoid, but I've been home with them since birth and am really concerned about a stranger watching them.

Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated. Feel free to email me direct.

Thanks!
Ruth

[carryingandstrollingabout]

I feel for you. You have complicated issues to sort out.

I did full-time daycare back when my first child was a baby. I preferred it to a nanny. Once DD was at daycare, I knew where she was and knew she was in a building full of trained professionals.

I didn't want to deal with a household employee. It seems to be a complex relationship I just didn't have the engery to manage. I also felt like nanny would be living my life for me, with my child, driving my car, hanging out in my house, doing my activities. Daycare felt more like a child only place where children go with other children and trained teachers. It felt less like my territory and more like a school.

I'm a car seat nut. I couldn't bear the thought of someone who might or might not be a super excellent driver driving my kids. Even with a clean driving record, there's no way to know if nanny drives too fast or if as careful as mom. And what if nanny didn't strap car seat straps tightly enough? At least in daycare they stay at daycare. And there's so much to do there that they don't miss out on the driving about. We had a truly excellent daycare. The downside to it was it was absurdly expensive. Outer space expensive.

Conversely, I have many friends who would never use daycare and nanny is like a favorite aunt who they love.

Best of luck making the best decision for your child.

[annasmom]

This is never an easy decision. I have a nanny and it has worked out really well for us. I just wanted to note at the outset that I think that daycare needs change throughout the course of a working mom's career. What might work great for you now, may not work in a few years. Children's needs and schedules change, and my best advice is to try to stay flexible.

There were several reasons why I chose a nanny instead of a daycare facility. Most importantly, I work part-time and mostly from home, so I wanted to be able to see my dc whenever I wanted, and to play hooky whenever I wanted. My dc are also very young, and for example I was still nursing my ds when our nanny started with us. If it was time for a feeding and I was working, she could bring him to me and I could nurse him. I also like the idea that my dc are getting one on one attention from their care-giver. And, unlike the PP, I actually liked the idea that my dc were doing their normal home-life routines. I like that they have playdates with neighborhood friends, or go to the park, nap when they need to, eat when they need to, help the nanny with the laundry, etc. I also didn't want to rush my dc, or myself, in the morning. By the time our nanny comes in the morning, my dc are fed, but most likely still in pajamas.

We are fortunate that we have a genuinely terrific nanny. She considers herself, and is, a professional. She has a college degree in childcare, she continues her education, and most importantly I think she is a really good person. She loves my dc, and they really love her as well. She is constantly finding new activities in our area that she thinks they may enjoy. Best of luck with your decision!

[bubbaray]

DD started DC at 13m, when I went back to work full time. Our DC is a licensed inhome DC, which means it is subject to routine and snap inspections regularly. Our DCP has had a DC for 16+ years and has a degree in ECE, 6 children, 4 GC. I also knew her prior to getting PG (and reserved a spot for DD when I told people I was expecting). The DC is small, max 7 children per gov't rules, but most days it is 2-3 children (DD is the youngest), with 3 before/after school kids. The DC curriculum is basically the same as what is found in most preschools here. Music lessons are once a week, they have crafts, other things they learn, etc..

DH wanted a nanny, more because he figured that person would cook & clean for us. I, OTOH, did NOT want someone to be doing those tasks, I wanted someone who's only job was to look after DD. I also was extremely uncomfortable having someone in my home when I wasn't there. And, I didn't want the extra expense of buying, insuring and gassing up a THIRD car and having a stranger drive DD around. We live in the suburbs and basically, there isn't much in the way of young children's activities within walking distance (the elementary school is a block away, but that doesn't help me now). I also wanted DD to be socialized with other children as we don't have any others and don't know anyone with children her age, so she wasn't playing with other children -- DC was the perfect solution to that.

I think you can find lots of helpful links if you google "daycare interview" or something like that. I didn't really go through that process as I knew our DCP prior to DD's birth and felt very comfortable leaving DD with her (I also know other parents that have their kids in her DC).

We have the flip side problem from you, though. Other than DC, DD has never had a sitter. We haven't had any "alone" time since she was born. I had a post-partum doula for a while, but spent the time that she stayed with DD going to dr's appts or grocery shopping. That doula (unfortunately) only works with children younger than 3m. So, we need to find a sitter or someone who will look after DD at night so we could go out to dinner or a movie or something remotely adult-like and not in any way related to Dora or Boots. Sigh.


Melissa

Maya Papaya!
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[barbarhow]

Both of my kids have been in daycare since 3 months of age. The daycare they are in now is different than the one that Jack was in for his for 18 months. I love his daycare. I heard about it from one of my coworkers whose friend's children all went there. I interviewed the director, toured the facility, met the staff etc. I was pretty pleased with Jack's original DC but this one was much closer and much more convenient as well as being significantly less money. I have been incredibly impressed by the new daycare. The staff is VERY stable. 4 of the workers have been there at least 5 years. They are the fulltimers. Of the part timers, several have also been there for years. 3 of the 4 workers are mother with 2 adult daughters=very reliable and nurturing. They also babysit for us whenever we need them which is an added plus. Our kids know them and love them.
I, personally, would not want someone else driving my kids around. Just me.
And as far as feeling funny about a stranger watching them-I no longer feel that way. Anna adores Sue-her DCP. She gets almost excited to see her in the ams as she is to see me in the afternoon. It might bother me, but it means I know that she is happy there, really happy.
If you choose to go with a daycare-I would go with personal recommendations. I would also ask about longevity of staff to see how stable the staff is. Jack's original daycare had alot of turnover and it was very hard for the kids.
HTH
Barbara-mom to Jack 3/27/03, a Red Sox fan
and Anna 5/12/05, my little Yankee fan!

[pb&j]

I was really apprehensive about sending DS to day care. When I first went back to work we had a temporary sitter, and I was not happy with the situation for a number of reasons. We considered a nanny, but couldn't afford it, and couldn't find a good nanny-sharing situation. Day care has been a much better situation for us all around. We chose a day care near our home that some friends had used. The staff is great - the head teacher in the baby room has been with that center for 6 years, and is so wonderful with DS. The assistant teachers are all wonderful, too, and every time I stop in (and I'm always there at strange times), DS is happy, being held, or asleep in his crib. I have never seen a child crying and unattended, not for a moment!

Our state has a website (I think it might be the dep't of health, but I'm not sure) that lists licensed day cares, their accreditation status, inspections, complaints, and violations, and I did check that out, and visit it periodically.


-Ry,
mom to Emma, stillborn 11/04/04
and Max, 01/05/06

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[smilequeen]

It is a really difficult choice to make.

I knew I was going back to work part time and we had actually always intended to hire a nanny. The closer it got the more I let the horror stories get to me. I kept looking for a good part time nanny, but expanded my search to include a good daycare. Being very picky either way, I think that my decision was made when I just found what felt like the right decision. It was just that deep feeling like this is the best choice.

I've never regretted our choice. DS is in an excellent daycare, which will be his preschool when he reaches that age. I'm really happy with it. I know he's well cared for while I'm at work and I know he's happy and nothing can beat that.

So that's my advice...interview both and go with your gut.

[anutalp]

I have a nanny who lives with us and takes care of DS. He is 2.2 now. She is with us for 1.5 year and I can't imagine my life without her. She is not just a nanny but a housekeeper and a cook as well. I was very hesistant to send my DS to DC prior to age 2. Now I feel he is ready to go part time for a few mornings. I'm due any day so she will stay to take care of the new baby :) IMO kids need one on one attention at least till age 1 or maybe even more...
She is like a part of my family but from the other hand she knows extremely well what are her responsibilities. Amazingly enough my DS also knows exactly the difference between nanny and mommy.
Good luck in your decision,

[cilantromapuche]

I live in a small town, so finding the right daycare wasn't difficult. I initially thought that I didn't want DC because it seemed "institutional" but our local hospital has the best one by far and my little guy was so active at 14 mos. I actually worried if an in-home provider would be safe for him because he was into everything. The one thing I would look for in a setting like that is accreditation with a national organization (can't remember the name). It is not the cheapest but the best and my son loves it.
Good luck and you know what is right for your child.

Christine

mama to A (7/03)

[fortato]

Ruth,
I don't envy the decision you have to make, but I hope I can offer you some advice.

I have done both, work as a nanny and as a preschool teacher/daycare worker.
I, myself, would not put my son in daycare after seeing what goes on at the centers that I worked in. The people that are hired are supposed to be "trained professionals", however, the training they have may only be the fact that they had babysat or are friends with the director of the center.

While I was working in an infant room, the woman they had working with me was unable to read. She was constantly giving the wrong child the wrong breast milk, or the wrong food. She would also fill out our daily sheets wrong, and they would be covered with white-out.
The center's director thought since she was such a sweet person, she could overlook "simple misunderstandings from time to time". I didn't think that giving a child the wrong breast milk was a simple misunderstanding, so I told the parents about what had happened, and after they pulled their children from the center, I quit also.
Another thing to watch out for is class size. Know what the ratios are, and how the center enforces them. Some centers are all about money, and will look to cut corners any way they can. Like having 5 Infants to one teacher, because one of the infants is over 1 year old, so they don't count toward the 4:1 ratio. (yeah... they said that).
Plus, remember, with a nanny- your baby is getting one on one care- you can't beat that compared to a daycare where your child may be one of 4 and babies schedules aren't in sync. So, your baby may be left to cry while 2 others are getting fed and one is trying to nap. Or, your child can't get a good nap in because of another child that may be screaming, a lot! And, make sure that the infant room is clean. Especially the floor. Find out how clean the carpet is, do people wear their shoes on the carpets? How often do toys get sanitized? All these things are so important, and often times, overlooked, because when the parents go in to tour a center, the employees and rooms are forewarned, so everything is exactly as it should be.

Whew- sorry... That was long... Of course, not all centers are bad. I can say some pretty wonderful things about The Goddard School. That was the last center I worked in. It's a chain, but, they have regular quality assurance visits and they make sure everything is up to code, including their employees.

I would go with a nanny- after what I have seen... a good nanny is way better than any daycare center I can find.

Good luck-
Kristen

[barbarhow]

Kristen-That sounds more like a problem with the specific daycare that you worked at. Yeah. I am sure there are some terrible ones out there but the reality seems to be that most children who are enrolled in quality daycare thrive.

Barbara-mom to Jack 3/27/03, a Red Sox fan
and Anna 5/12/05, my little Yankee fan!

[hez]

I chose Option C -- an in-home daycare (we call her Payton's sitter, so that's how I'll refer to her). I have friends who've used 4 different options: Day Care Centers, Nannies, Au Pairs and In-Home Daycares. I wasn't prepared for the nanny or au pair idea, though if we had two children, I might be more inclined. That led me to consider day care centers and in-home day cares. Our company has a contract with a firm that will do the initial search on lots of things (child care, elder care, etc.) for you, leaving you with a list of licensed people who will have openings for the kind of care you require on the timing you need, in the geographical area you request. From there I started interviewing.

A girlfriend of mine loves her in-home provider, who didn't happen to have any openings when we were looking for Payton. I went with my girlfriend to pick her son up a few evenings, and got to observe a bit how her provider cared for the children. It put my mind at ease, then, when we met our sitter and observed her. It turned out that our sitter was also caring for a coworker's child, which sealed the deal for us, as we'd heard him rave about this woman before he knew we were looking.

I wish you luck-- I had a VERY hard time letting Payton go when I went back to work, but I've been very blessed to have someone like his sitter in our life.

[kransden]

It really depends on what fits your $$, your kids and lifestyle. My dd goes to daycare and it works for us. She is very social and likes the structure. A nanny would be a poor fit for us, dd wants to play with other kids too much. On the other hand, there have been other kids in her classes that would have been MUCH better off with a nanny. They really needed the 1:1 bonding, daycare wasn't a good choice until they were older.

As for getting a good center, you really have to be careful. One of my friends was very smug about her center. Her child was so "special" they took him to front office all the time. When I went to visit, one of the teachers had her sick non-infant child in the infant room sleeping, and the reason DF's child was up front all the time was then they didn't need the extra teacher in the infant room!!!! After my little discoveries, she pull her dc out!

My daycare isn't perfect, but they do try really hard and my dd is pretty happy there. I also show up unannounced all the time and they are fine with that. (I work across the street and have meetings in that building.

Karin and Katie 10/24/02

[fortato]

I agree with you about there being many quality day care centers, I've worked in two that I wouldn't hesitate to send an older child to. I think infants and children under 2 are better off in an in home situation.

Recently, NH started listing violations from the Bureau of Child Care Licensing, and you'd be surprised at how many of the centers had violations! I don't know about any other states, but it might be worth your while to check them out.

Anyway- I guess I'm just tainted as far as what I've seen in our local day care centers. Especially after what I saw at the BCCL website.

Do what you feel is right...I guess that's all we can do.

Oh- and Barbara- Love your son's name!
Kristen

-Mom to be to Jack Robert also a red sox fan!

[momofjandl]

Thank you so much for all of your responses. I'm sorry I can't respond to each of you individually..I would be repeating myself several times. Just know that I thank each of you for taking the time.

While you've all been very helpful...I'm still on the fence. I'm pretty sure we don't want a live in and I'm pretty sure we don't want an in home day care. I mean no offense to anyone who does either. Those options are just not right for us for a variety of reasons.

I think we've decided that once we have the business up and running or ready to then my husband will leave his job. It's a long story, but his job is very demanding, we have money set aside to live on, and we feel that this gives our business a better chance to succeed and grow.

So that being said...we have some flexibility. We were thinking of waiting and seeing what our business needs are etc. meaning..do we both need to be there..can we swap off bus work and watch the kids etc.. The boys will both be in preschool 2, and 3 mornings for the oldest, a week. It's only 2.5 hours...but it will get us used to it I guess. This was something we signed up for last year. It's a co-op, parent involved, and fills spots quickly.

My ?? are...would we be able to find a part time nannny for set hours outside of school? And if we wait till fall and decide that we need a day care option will we have trouble finding a good one? I've been told they all book for the school year ahead of time..like now.

To the other poster who worked in a daycare...I too worked in one. In a nice area in MA where all the parents were serious professionals...engineers, lawyers, etc. This center (not a chain) was a disaster and I quit as well...so I understand your post. My experience there is what is driving me towards a nanny. But then I read the horror stories of nannys and I think more eyes on a child at daycare. It's a toss up.

I mean no offense to those of you with children in day care. I would just caution anyone to really be careful when making a choice. There are things that happen that you can't really know about in doing a tour or interview. I'm not saying all places are like this..b/c they aren't. But many are.

Just a few examples...the other pre day care worker was right. I had no experience when I signed on and was only asked to take a child growth and dev class that was offered at a community college. And this was so I could get a pay raise...that I never got. Now I had babysat as a young kid etc. But I didn't have children at the time. Thankfully I happened to love kids and I think that trumped experience.

I taught the preschool age, but it was the same for the infant and toddler rooms. I saw toddlers with soiled diapers on the playground that weren't getting changed. Our center provided snack which consisted of mealy apples, dried cheese, and stale crackers. Things I would never give my kids now. Our center also forced naps and many of my kids had outgrown nap time. The teachers were mean to the kids that wouldn't nap and made them stay on their mats.

I could tell you a lot of other things. But this just explains why I am so torn. If we do go with a daycare option I now know what to look for and am thankful for that. I know there are good places out there. I like the flexibility of a nanny and the one on one time. I'm not too worried about social interaction b/c my boys are 17 months apart and play together all the time. We also have playdates. I guess with a nanny...I'm worried about getting a bad one. I mean..can you really tell from an interview? And with daycare...I'm just worried about the lack of attention, and how much actual "care" my kids will get.

Anyways...I'm rambling. Thanks again to everyone who has posted. I don't mean this to be a nanny vs. daycare thread. There just really are pros and cons to both and I just can't decide. ARgh!!

Ruth

[loewymartin]

I have a nanny who lives in her own home. She has been with us since Alia was 3 months old and I went back to work full time. She is amazing with our girls and it was the best choice we could have made. She sets up playdates (one of our concerns was Alia not having enough socialization) and in the fall will be taking Alia to preschool 3 days a week. I'm not sure where you live (you mentioned MA) but we used New England Nanny. They had a list of prospects that we interviewed. It made the "search" much easier because they did a lot of pre-work for us. Some folks mentioned buying a third car? Our nanny has her own car that we provided carseats for. She is always careful about buckling in both girls and lets me know whenever she is leaving the house in her car.

I could not be happier with our childcare situation. It works for us. I think you need to see what works for you and go from there. Friends of mine hired a nanny and the mom decided a few months into it that she wanted to stay home. So she is now at home with her daughter and she couldn't be happier. So it may be one step forward, one step to the side to adjust, but you'll figure out what works for you.

Michelle
Mom to Alia born 5/16/02 and Kira born 7/30/05

[kijip]

Agreed. Many kids are abused by their parents but I don't mention that when people talk about having kids or deciding to stay home with their kids. It would be like listing off SAHM horror stories or parent horror stories anecdotally when people announced they were going to stay home IMHO. Or nanny horror stories when people hired nannies...