Can't make up my mind whether to return to work after 2 years. . .

[Timmersmom]

I may have the chance to start working again, but it would involve many HUGE changes for my family, and I am really torn - it is keeping me up at night.

A little background: I stopped working (3 days/wk) after my DD was born, about 2 years ago. We were living in Northern Virginia, and we now live in a rural "exurb". My incredible DH commutes 2 hours each way to get to work. That's the only way we could afford to live on one salary.

I stumbled across a job opportunity that is perfect for my skills (I'm an attorney specializing in Medicare law). It's not for sure that I have the job yet, but it's looking good, and I want to have my mind made up before any offer.

Here are the factors that I keep going over in my head:

1. I feel terribly guilty about DH's commute, even though he keeps telling me he doesn't mind, and it's my decision about going back to work. If I go back to work, we'd make enough to live maybe 1/2 hour or so from work.

2. However, once we moved back, I really wouldn't have the option to change my mind about working full-time, I'd be stuck. I am so scared that I will big-time regret going from SAHM to full-time working mom. I was pretty good at it, but Medicare law is um, not that exciting. But I do admit I get bored/frustrated at home sometimes, worry that my skills are getting stale, and if I stay out of work much longer, I'll become unmarketable.

3. The disruption to my children. DS is currently in a good preschool that he's happy in, and if we move back in to Northern Virginia, I am skeptical of my chances to get him into a decent preschool on such short notice. And he is very sensitive, high-strung little guy. He will be in Kindergarten in Fall 2007, but I really want him in a good preschool environment for this upcoming year. I think DD would be OK in daycare, but don't even know if I could find a good daycare on such short notice, with all the waiting lists in NoVa. I could get a nanny, but don't think I could afford that AND preschool.

4. Both kids are in speech therapy. DS's speech isn't that bad, but DD is still not talking. I don't know how I can deal with weekly speech therapy for each of them when I'm working full-time.

5. Ah yes, the money factor. After crunching numbers and guesstimating, we would come out maybe around $15K ahead a year if I went back to work and we moved back in to NoVA. It could be more, but at least that. It would go up after kids were in grade school.

6. The lifestyle factor. The public schools there are MUCH better than the ones where we are now. Plus there is really not much here to do, and the only shopping here is Walmart.

So if you've read my incredibly long marathon post, thank you, and please give me any advice or thoughts you have that could help me make a decision.

Thanks!

ETA: The thing that really gets me is. . .imagining myself looking out my window at work and wondering what my kids are doing at that moment while I'm pushing paper around a desk.

[Lynnie]

That's a tough one.

How flexible would your hours be ? Since the job is boring, I am guessing it probably something that could be done anytime, anywhere, so maybe before you commit, you could negotiate some sort of flex time, working from home one or two days a week, or working an hour longer on four days and getting those four hours off one afternoon, so you could deal with playing taxi to therapy.

And, if your hours were early, you could get out at 4 and still have a lot of time with them. If the hours would be crazy long, you may sit and stare out that window alot.

Would DH be willing to pitch in more on the homefront with the saved three hours on his commute ? He sounds like a great guy, as he was willing to take the long commute to make it work for you to stay at home, so perhaps he could take more responsibilities for driving the kids.

Preschools. I am sure NoVa has huge waiting lists (I grew up there) but, I bet they also have tons of good programs. And, in my opinion, there can be alot of great places that don't necessarily have a pedigree, you know. They might just have loving teachers who are great with the kids. Some daycares have preschools mixed in, or they start with infants and go thru preschool, and still have great programs. The local community colleges might have something.

Lifestyle. Nova was a great place to grow up. Of course a long time ago, it was a lot less congested, but still, there is a lot to do and expose the kids too, and the schools in fairfax county used to be among the best in the country. (dont' know how they stand now, but would guess they are still considered to be great)

Of course, the pros of being able to stay at home with the kids are probably pretty great, too. I don't have experience with those, cause I WOTH, but often dream about being able to stay home and get the four year old to after school tennis without rushing out of work at 4 and missing the first half hour, etc.

Good luck figuring it out. I think in the end it comes down to what you think is right for you. You'll make it work for your family either way, but which way would make you happier ?

[firsttimemommy]

I JUST went through this a few months ago so I feel your agony over the decision. I was a teacher pre-kids but I was starting to have the "boredom itch" to return after 3 years at home. I thought at 3 and 2 the kids could really benefit from a pre-school environment and I could use a "break".

I started thinking about returning for the fall when I was offered the oppty to go back to work in March to finish the year for someone - so I took it. I figured it was a good way for me to see what working would be like without the commitment of a full school year.

It has turned out wonderful for ME - I am MUCH happier working right now. I miss my kids a lot, but I describe it as being "bummed" leaving them, but not miserable (plus at 2yo sometimes Jake is "easy" to leave right now!! LOL Terrible twos!!!! LOL) But this is a great balance for me (and as a teacher I get to look forward to lengthy holiday time with them.) BUT I have two key factors that have made it work for me: 1) I LOVE what I do and 2) my DH is able to help me alot around the house and with errands. I don't think I would be happy if either of those things weren't true...

So my advice to you is if you don't NEED the money to put food on the table (which it sounds like you don't) then you need to decide if you loved your job or working. If you didn't love it, then personally I would not return to a job I did not like simply for better schools, more convenient shopping, closer commute, great job offer etc. If you are bored or unhappy at work then my guess is that you will be staring out the window and wondering a lot and that would be miserable. Second, you WILL need more help at home so if a maid is not an option, you should sit down with DH and see how much more he can or is willing to contribute. Like the PP said, he sounds like an awesome guy.

If you do decide to do it, I also agree with the PP - see if you can negotiate some flex time to make your transition easier and be able to work around therapy, etc. Start looking for preschools today! It can't hurt and then you will be prepared should you make the decision to go back to work.

HTH a little :) Let us know what you decide.


Ronda
Proud Mommy to 2 adorable munchkins - 1/03 and 4/04

"Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes........that way you are a mile away and you have their shoes."

[trumansmom]

What a tough decision to have to make! I quit working shortly after DD was born. A few months ago I had the perfect opportunity to pick up a short term, full time consulting project. It was right up my alley and I was thrilled. I put the kids in daycare full time (currently DS goes to pre-school for three hours twice a week, and DD goes to daycare during that time so she can socialize and I can do errands.) and worked my tail off. I loved it for about the first two weeks. After that I was going crazy. I missed the kids like crazy, and really started resenting the job. Of course, the money was awesome, but I quickly decided it wasn't worth it for me.

Everybody has to find the situation that works best for her family. I really thought I was ready to go back to work, but now I'm so grateful it was a contract with an end. It really helped me re-dedicate my efforts at home. I'm much more willing to go without something if it means getting to be here with the kids.

Good luck in making your decision. Either way, a happy mom is the best thing for kids. If working is going to give you a sense of fulfillment, go for it!

Jeanne
Mom to Truman 11/01 and Eleanor 4/04

[lizamann]

Oh, tough decision! And I am going through something very similar. I don't really have any advice, but have sympathy for your position!

In my case I fear being stressed out and having no time to veg out, having to grocery shop weekends, compress all errands into that time, etc. My job would be 30-45 minutes away, and I've never had a commute that long, so that bothers me. What would we eat for dinner? I also never intended to put dd in full time school until (I was hoping) first grade.

But, I do love the job (teaching). It's at an amazing school with a national reputation, and here's the kicker - it would be a great choice for dd, since it would allow her to go to a truly fantastic private school from pre-school through 12th grade for FREE! And this is one of the few schools that actually has a philosophy I agree with.

Even with all those plusses for the family, I am still hesitant. Mostly because of fear, I think. I really like my cushy SAHM status right now. What a change this would be!

Good luck!

[jk3]

It was initially difficult to return to work after 2 years of staying at home with my DS. I loved being at home with my DS, lots of my friends were off from work for the stretch as well and we were used to the routine. For my family, it was well worth it. I was ready to be back in a professional atmosphere and my DS was more than ready to be in a preschool environment. I also love my job and had to return after the 2 year leave or give up my tenure. I wouldn't have returned to "a job" but my job is "the job," if that makes sense. If I wasn't completely satisfied with my DS's school experience, I would've second-guessed the decision. I know he is thriving in a social environment and that he truly enjoys school. It is hard to have it all but on some levels I feel like I do. Good luck with your decision.

Jenn
DS 6/03