2 or 3 Kids?

[spencersmommy]

OK, moms, we are in the big debate now, and I was curious to see what other think. We have 2 great boys, and part of me wants to stop having kids, but part of me would like to have another one. Of course, I'd love a girl, but another boy would be great, too.
What made you stop at 2? What made you go for 3? Is 3 a lot more work? Will I always wonder if we should have had one more, or do you always feel that way, even with more kids? Do you feel "done"? Thanks for your answers in advance. I know it's a personal decision, but I just want to hear others' reasonings, too. :-)

[bcky2]

we stopped at two for financial reasons. we could afford 3 but we wanted to be able to vacation with them and save for college and stuff like that so for us two was where we needed to stop. also i have very hard pregnancys with problems and both of my boys had some issues when born that my ped said if i have a 3rd there is over a 90% chance that we will have to go thru it again and really i just dont think that i can go thru it all again. so many days do i sit and wish that we could have another but i know for our family we are done. i think that i will always wonder what if i just had one more. i am more then blessed that i have two wonderful boys and i just thank my luck stars for them :)

[MarisaSF]

We will not plan to have more than 2 bio kids for environmental/population growth reasons. (I say "plan" just in case our "second" kid is twins, etc.)

We've always planned to adopt our 3rd (and 4th?) kid(s).

I personally feel "done" being pregnant, but DH would like one more bio kid. I won't feel done until we've adopted at least one child.

ETA: As for how hard it is, I was one of 3. My mom was one of ten, so I call on the spirit of my grandparents when I think having one is such a challenge.

[Piglet]

LOL - the debate continues in my head on a daily basis. DH told me that he would be fine with either outcome, so I am the one that has to think things through.

Here is where I am at (and DH is very much in the same camp right now) - I think that at this point 3 kids would be great for our family, but very hard on our marriage. I really loved adding DS2 to the family and would love to give the boys another sibling. My DH is one of 3 and I love their family dynamic. Then there is the marriage part - DH and I hardly have any time together anymore. We are in survival mode more than we would like to be. We used to go out as a family and now we split up and try to get as many errands done as possible because there are not enough hours in a day/week/month. We both collapse into bed exhausted and we never get time alone it seems. I really miss the togetherness we used to have. I also know that if we had 3, I would probably have to quit my job and be a SAHM (since we would need way more hours in the day than we would have if we both worked). The problem for me is that I like working and DH makes more money, so he couldn't quit. My sanity would take a big hit if I were at home 5 days a week. None of these issues are insurmountable on their own, but when you put them all together I would rather hold off on #3 until I get a few of them figured out.

Bottom line - I have been having this internal debate for a year already and I don't see it going away anytime soon. I am not mentally 'done' that is for sure. I really wish it were settled because I spend far too much of my mental capacity on this decision, LOL. Oh, I should point out that I always had a dream of having a baby when my older ones were a fair bit older (an "oops" would be ideal since I would not have to plan it). Even when I was pregnant with DS1, I wanted to have a baby when he was 10 because my good friend had a younger brother when he was 10 and I adored the relationship they had. To this day, they are such amazing friends and I really felt like the parents had the energy for both of them when they needed it. My friends always make fun of me because I am a planner and they joke that I have even planned my 'oops'.

Good luck,

[Momof3Labs]

I've been meaning to post this question myself! We had only planned on two but just don't feel done. Our decision is complicated by infertility and some postpartum complications with DS2 that are likely to recur, but we're trying not to make the decision based on short-term complications!

[kboyle]

when pg with ds2 we agreed that we were done...when ds2 was 1 wk old, we agreed that we were done...we just agreed that we will probably start trying in september for #3.

i LOVE my 2 boys, i would LOVE another boy, but i am very close to my mother and lately i realize that i would like that kind of relationship with a daughter of my own, i know i will be close to my sons, but i would like a mother/daughter relationship.

we first decided that we were done because like becky we wanted to be able to give our children what they needed AND wanted, be able to go on vacations and REALLY afford it, be able to save up for college...we are still talking about stopping now, but i know that he would LOVE a daughter (he's GREAT with our friends' little girls) and i too, would love that relationship.

i guess we'll try in the fall & if i'm not pg by the end of the year i think i'll just call it quits & consider myself lucky to have the family i have. i feel soo blessed to have my two boys, but i'll admit, i'd LOVE to have a daughter...though another son would be awesome (i've always pictured myself to have 3 boys)

good luck in your decision

[JBaxter]

Or 4?

We are currently ttc #4 ( with a little more difficulty than the others :( ). I love being a mom and we just dont feel our family is complete just yet. I would have more but DH and I have decided that we can handle 4 colleges but thats it LOL. I do have a lot of space in mine so that will/does help with alot of things. I have 3 boys and would love either a boy or girl I truely have no preference.

[MrsZaz]

I always told my Dh that I wanted 3 or 4 children. Due to complications with each DS, my family has decided that I am done having children. Evidently, my entire family was very stressed through both of pregnancies and decided that's it. Truth be told, I probably can only handle two kids, adding a newborn at this point bight put me over the edge (LOL). PLUS, I'm older and I don't think my body would handle another pregnancy gracefully (not that it was graceful with the first two - I was HUGE with both). That said - whenever someone asks me if I'm having anymore children I always say "I can get pregnant but just can't keep them in for the duration".

DS1 born at 32 wks 2lbs 14oz
DS2 born at 34 wks 5lbs

Colleen

[american_mama]

This is a thread from last year, but a good one. I see you replied to it, but maybe would like to re-read it. I have found myself looking at our eating table a lot lately and thinking "If a 3rd child comes around, where will we ever find a matching 5th chair?" Yes, I know that has got to be the most minor factor ever in having or not having another child; it's just the one that I find myself always thinking about.

http://www.windsorpeak.com/dc/dcboard.php?az=show_topic&forum=37&topic_id=241012&mesg_id=241012&page=&topic_page=2

Also, not to hijack the thread, but it seems many women say their husbands are willing to go along with whatever the wife decides about another child. It's the same with my DH. Why on earth don't these men have strong opinions about something so central to their own lives?

[g-mama]

We went for 3 because I was one of two and always felt our family was so small and was envious of my friends who had larger families. My dh is one of four and they have an amazing family dynamic where the kids are truly friends with one another and would (and do) anything for each other. The longer I've been a part of his family, the more I was convinced that I wanted to try to have that for our family.

As far as how hard it is....it is hard. I feel stretched to my limits and so does dh, though he would never say it. He would have another one or two if I'd agree to it. Dh works long hours but is completely hands on with the boys when he's home. He loves children and has more patience than anyone I've known. I do worry about the toll it will take on our marriage because as another poster said, we have so little time for each other. It would be hard to find a sitter we could trust caring for 3 small children, so going out doesn't happen anymore, but it's also just finding time in the evening at home that's hard. There is just so much to do all the time and so little time to do it. I feel like my house is a wreck so often and I'm pulled in all directions. Luckily, my baby is super content and makes it much easier for me than he could, lol.

For me, I try hard to look at the big picture down the road and just kinda muddle through these early years that are so hard. I know my kids will enjoy having one another and I will enjoy having them all around me in the years to come. When we had 2, I dreaded going through pregnancy again but just felt in my heart that someone was missing. I feel much more complete now and love to see the relationships between my three boys come together. I also am happy that they are three boys, as much as I'd wanted a girl, because I never had a sister and hope so much that they'll enjoy having each other.


~Kristen

Paolo 11-00
Benjamin 8-03
Marco 12-05

[MarisaSF]

>Why on
>earth don't these men have strong opinions about something so
>central to their own lives?

LOL! I wish sometimes that DH didn't have such a strong opinion. I'm quite capable of making a decision and often wish there was no dissenting voice. Hee hee! From my vantage point, y'all have it good!

[thomma]

Kristen-
I just wanted to let you know how much I enjoyed reading your post.

Kim
t&e 5/03

[lizamann]

Well my dh has a VERY strong opinion on this topic, and it's the opposite of mine, which is a huge bummer. (Him - stop at one; me - have a whole bunch.) I wish he didn't care so much, and quite frankly I have never really understood his position. But that's just how it goes. I learned long ago that I can't "make" my dh do ANYthing, which is so unlike many of the other marriages I know where dh's just go along with the flow.

[jesseandgrace]

We have 2 and we may be done because we are older and our kids are exhausting as is, but I agree with the people that said they like the dynamics of 3. I really love seeing people, especially when they are older, who have great relationships with their siblings. I have one sister and she is my best friend, so I don't know what it would be like to have a bigger family but I just love the idea! I would like three, but it hard to get over the hump, LOL.

[calv]

This is all so interesting to read. We're the opposite of a lot of you. I so want a 3rd child. I have 2 girls and I just don't feel complete ready. Sure I'd love to have a boy but I honestly don't care as long as he/she is healthy. DH on the other hand is done. He wants to move on w/our life and travel and grow w/teh girls. I disagree. I see his point because as all of you know, children are a lot of work. And like a PP mentioned, DH works hard and he's hands on from the second he walks in the door. Whether it's cleaning up after dinner, bathing the girls or just picking up the house. He also worried about money because so far we've been fortunate enough that I'm home the girls.

I don't know I'm just so torn, hurt about this. I really can't say I'm done and DH is done. He's ready to get snipped but at the same time, respected my wishes and hasn't made the appointment yet so I guess that means somthing.

[KBecks]

Well, we don't have 2 yet, and we're going to wait and see how well we cope with 2 before we consider 3.

But we always said before marriage 2 or 3, so it is a good question for us too.

I'll be honest, right now I'm feeling kind of old and tired, so having a third seems overwhelming.

There are all kinds of practicalities that will go into our eventual decision:
-- financial (mostly from a day-to-day viewpoint - how many can we feed and clothe before our budget feels too tight?)
-- space in our house
-- my age for having another (getting closer to 40)


That said, I'm already feeling just a little emotional that #2 might be our last baby. We're having so much fun as parents, we may want to keep going.

If we do have a 3rd, I'd like to have one sooner than later. I see a lot of families where the third lags by quite a bit (probably not planned?) and I'd rather not have that situation, just because someday I'll want the peace and quiet of empty nesting.

[lmintzer]

I only have a sec here (we're about to head out to our 2nd birthday party of the day) but just wanted to respond to Karen. My DH is in no way like what you are talking about. He so strongly doesn't want no. 3 (despite my ambivalence) that he threatens to go get "snipped" on a regular basis. : ( So no, not all men will just go along with whatever their wives want.

[KCR4]

I just had to smile at this. Thanks for posting.

I posted a similar question about 1.5 years ago.

Here it is:
http://www.windsorpeak.com/dc/dcboard.php?az=show_topic&forum=37&topic_id=119567&mode=full

I am now pregnant with DS #3. I really did wish for that girl, to be honest. I can't say I'm "sad" - more just realizing that now we really really really are done, and that means no daughter or sister for the boys. I DO feel blessed. However....

I also have developed some serious apprehension and exhaution about the upcoming arrival as I'm now 28 weeks pg, and this feels very SOON. I am busy busy busy already, and worried about my DH's "armchair parenting" approach. He personally was very happy with two children, and it was my personal angst over wanting another that led to this pregnancy. We weren't exactly TTC either; I was still nursing DS #2 (age 2 at time of conception of this new baby). I wasn't totally sure about fertility at the time. Trying to reconcile our different opinions over the decision with the joy of an upcoming new family member - it's very confusing - I'm not explaining it well. I guess our feelings are just not as straightforward and in sync as they were with DS #1 and DS #2. I do worry that this will strain our marriage, in terms of my expectations and such. Well, I'm quite sure it will. We will just have to try to communicate!

I struggled with my feelings on this for a long while - between when I posted on BBB and when I got pregnant (one year later). That was tiring, so I can relate to PP comments. I searched online and found the following, which to be honest, really made me feel that my choice should be stop at 2 kiddos (as it was originally & firmly - part of why my DH was so baffled by my change of heart).
http://parents.berkeley.edu/advice/parents/thirdchild.html

However, my DS #3 will be here soon, and I suspect the blur of joy will blend with the blur of exhaustion, like it always does, and life will just go on as if we were always a family of 5. I did agree with DH that during my c-section (my third) I will have a tubal ligation, and I will stick to that, and I'm comfortable with it.

I wish you the best of luck with your thoughts about this. I have mama friends that have gone one way or other with this choice, and most seem very content with how things worked out for their families. That does give me hope!

HTH
Karen
DS #1 7/01
DS #2 10/03
DS #3 edd 7/06

[lizajane]

it is kinda freaky that i could have posted your EXACT words. right down to "planning" an oops!! and i am the one with the brother 10 years younger... and we are in full survival mode with 2 and my dh is TERRIFED of 3. hear me on that one... TERRIFIED. we never see each other. we hardly ever hug each other or hold hands. our arms are always full- of children, of laundry...

i do not feel "done." everyone i know who doesn't want more children is VERY sure that they are DONE. i don't feel that way at all. i think it is a sign. honestly, i feel called to have a third. i think it is God's plan for me.

i am thinking at least 3 years between dylan and a third. a pregnancy right now terrify me.

dinner is ready, but i could go on and on...

[maestramommy]

I really enjoyed your post, esp. the last paragraph. Right now we're only on DD1, and are planning on TTC DC2 next year. After that we're going to leave it as a crap shoot and take whatever comes, or doesn't. Of course, we may change our minds after DC2! My SIL knows people with 3 and it feels very chaotic to her because the toddler stage goes on for a while. Right now with only one many things are very easy. I wonder if I will be able to get out as much and give DC2 the same opportunities when he/she comes along, just because DD will be a toddler by then and harder (I'm assuming) to manage. We'll just have to wait and se.

[Sarah1]

I love the idea of having three grown kids. But I'm already so exhausted with just two, and I feel like my DH and I have so little time for each other, that it is very unlikely we'll have more. I just feel like I need to prioritize myself and my marriage, and I'm concerned that with three small children I will never feel like I have time to myself or time as a couple. But, never say never...

[kelly ann]

This exactly how I feel...

It has been so hard this last year to spend time together as a couple and any little "me" time that I had with one child is non-existent. I am so sad that DD is turning one next week, but there is a part of me that is looking forward to having more time with DH. I totally understand your point about prioritizing your marriage as well as yourself.

[C99]

My husband has an opinion about it: he's done.

I'm just not sure if I am. My feelings on the subject echo Marina's (even down to the "I spend way too much mental energy on this!"), although I already am a SAHM. Everytime that I think that I am done and am OK with it, a friend gets pregnant or I think of my little sister (15 years younger than me), etc. Although my husband says that he is done, he has conceded that I could probably talk him into it if I felt very strongly about it.

[spanannie]

I have this internal debate on a daily basis. It really gets to me, since I just would like to have an answer.

My head tells me that I can barely handle my 2...and that my marriage can barely handle the 2. However, my heart tells me that someone's missing. It's a weird feeling, too...like I feel like someone should be living in the room upstairs...I can even name him. Then I come back to reality, and see that my 2 children now can't even get along, and my son is pretty difficult to manage (when in the presence of his sister).

My husband does not want anymore children...his main reason is that they are getting old enough to start doing "fun things" soon. If we have another it will be that much longer until snow skiing, Disney World, etc. He's also 42, and he doesn't want to be raising kids for the rest of his life, he feels.

And this seems shallow, but I also feel an internal debate about "Do I want to do this to my body again?" I just now (22 mos later) got my body to the way that I wanted it. I've struggled with weight most of my life, and I got thin after my son, only to get pregnant with DD, and have it take 18 mos+ to take it off again. I am thinner than ever in my adult life, and I'm wondering, do I want to risk getting big again, and not being able to take it off?

So, you're not the only one. Sorry that this opened the flood gates for me. As logical as it seems for me to not have another, I wonder if I will always regret my choice? I think probably so, but I don't know.

[ribbit1019]

Everyone keeps asking us if we are done now that we have one of each. I feel very lucky to have a boy and a girl, but I feel like if we stop now that I would be cheating them out of the same sex relationship that I have with my sister.

Admittedly, I have a bad basis for comparason, DH and his sis do not get along very well (mostly they are cordial with the occasional blow out fight) I see a similar dynamic between my best friend from high school and her brother even to this day. OTOH, my sister and I are best friends. I know there are lots and lots of b/g siblings that are very close, but this has a lot of bearing on my train of thought, and DH's especially.

So, DH and I would like to have four. Ideally one more of each, but we will be very happy with whatever we get. We both love being parents of more than one child, as exhausting as it is right now. :) We have discussed this at length and (minus my labor driven comments) have always agreed whole heartedly that we see us being a family of 6. I bought 6 chairs for my dining room table after all, I feel the need to fill them. ;)

It will be about 3 years before we have another (ttc in about 2 1/2 years). I would like Madison to be in kindergarten and Jarred in preschool. Pending any failure of our BC method of course. The next two will likely be as close on age as Madison and Jarred are.

No more than four though!!

Christy
My Waterbabies
Maddy born 6/9/04
http://lilypie.com/baby2/040609/3/4/0/-5/.png
&
Jarred born 3/8/06, 11 lb 14.5 oz 24" @ 6 wks, a happily breastfed babe.
http://b1.lilypie.com/KH1pm5/.png
Co-Owner Ribbit Baby

[jbowman]

I just had Alice in January, so I'm still new at being a mom of two. After I had Ellie, I remember feeling as if I wouldn't entertain the idea of #2 for quite awhile. I had a very different feeling after I had Alice. I immediately wanted to get pregnant again and have #3. Well, that feeling subsided a few months ago. ;)

I'm not sure if we're done having children or not...both DH and I agree that now is just not the time to write anything in stone. I have loved being pregnant, going through the birth experience, and raising my two daughters. That said, I do think that we will ultimately decide not to have more children, for many reasons (some already suggested by PP): money, desire to begin traveling in a meaningful way as a family, the demands of my job, and my lack of desire to go through another 9 months of pregnancy and 1+ year of nursing...when Alice finishes nursing, I will be ready to have my body back for good. Fortunately we are on the same page about these things.

I never envisioned what my family would look like (heck, I'm still surprised that I even got married!), so I have no expectations. I can't say that my family seems "complete" b/c I've never thought of it that way. My family is what it is: 4 people now, 3 people a year ago.

Edited for clarity

[aliceinwonderland]

Yea, I never thought I'd be married either..And in my twenties, no less...oh well, I had the best plans...

I have just recently started **really** enjoying parenting my son, and most importantly, coming into my own with the mothering thing, to where I feel like I know what I'm doing and actually like it. :) So now I contemplate having more, but I also have other things I need to do to feel an accomplished adult, so it varies daily whether I want more, how many, when, etc.
I'd imagine being perfectly happy with one, but I have adoption lust (since before I was married) like people have baby lust. Go figure.

DH thinks we're adopting two ;)

ETA: I am oldest of three girls, each 18 months apart (my parents were, and remain, nuts!). I do love the dynamics now, though, my sisters are the best!! And it's *amazing* to have three people so close that are so very different...:)

[momofmany]

I hardly ever post.......mostly a reader, but wanted to weigh in. I am the mother of 4 and reappy grappled with the decision of adding to our family when DC4 came along (she was a surprise baby). That said, although four children was not necessarily in my original family plan, it has had for a joyful and wonderful parenting experience. Yes, I am often tired and of course I'm always busy, but it's our life and we love it. I feel like I hit my stride more as a mother when the last two came along and figured out how to juggle many children. No, we don't have all the economics of a "larger family" figured out, but over time know that things all work out. DH and I agreed the greatest gift we could give our children were siblings, and it's rewarding to watch them relate together. We lead an active life - we travel and go all kinds of places as a family and just make it work. I no longer feel a tug to have another baby (I always wanted another after the first 3) so I think our family will be capped a four. So I'd suggest if you are caught up in the constant evaluating, take a little break from thinking about it - enjoy the child/ren that you have and sometime, when you aren't expecting it, your heart will suddenly desire a baby.

[spencersmommy]

Wow, I still feel the same way...thanks for reminding me...maybe I'll always feel the same...and I still have 2 in diapers...right now I am leaning towards 2 only. I actually posted the baby carseat for sale!

[g-mama]

:-)

~Kristen

Paolo 11-00
Benjamin 8-03
Marco 12-05

[elliput]

Sure, why not? ;-)

Realistically, I will be extrememly thrilled if we are able to have a 2nd, and would most likely be over the moon with a 3rd. The issue that I have is not if 3 are more work than 2, it is if I will even be able to have a 2nd or 3rd before I consider myself *too* old.

DH, who is the oldest of two, wants two children, but he has not said no more than two. I am the middle of three, I wouldn't mind more than two.

We'll see what happens. I just hope we are able to have the second one more sooner than later! ;-)

[elliput]

:D

[mattysmom]

Thanks so much for asking this question. It is on my mind ALL the time. Like you, we have 2 great boys (ages 1 and 3), and I definitely feel like I have my hands full a lot of the time and can't imagine how I'd ever manage 3. I also wonder if I'd feel like I had enough time to devote to 3 of them - even if DS1 was 5 when #3 came... remembering how exhausting the first year was (my boys were not sleepers/easy babies) and I don't want to feel like I missed out on things because I was too sleep-deprived to enjoy it.

But, like other posters wrote, I have a very close relationship with my mother (for better or worse) and I don't know if my boys will have this same relationship with me when they're older (DH does not have a close relationship with his mother AT ALL). As I write this, I feel like I'm sounding very selfish too - what's best for ME. DH and I both come from 2-kid families, so it's also not our personal experience to be part of a large family.

Financially we could make it work, although we would probably have to move (which we consider doing anyway with our two boys who have SO much energy and crave space).

Finally, DS2 was a big surprise as I was on the mini-pill, and came sooner than we would have planned (we're big planners). DH thinks it's a little crazy to think about having 3 since we're tired so much, but then when I joke with him about wanting liposuction (really, I'm just joking), he says "but are we really done?" That's the closest I ever get him to considering a third. And we just love our boys so much... I just don't feel done! But does DH?

[bunnisa]

>So, DH and I would like to have four. Ideally one more of
>each, but we will be very happy with whatever we get.

Same here, Christy! :) I'd love for each of my children to have a same-gender sibling!

Actually, I'm open to more than 4, but DH will only commit to taking them "one at a time".

His childhood was rather chaotic (his parents were divorced, his mom & stepfather constantly took in foster children but tended to neglect him and his brother) and he really loves that our home feels like a place of rest and retreat.

Honestly, I think he'll welcome more children as long as our lives seem stable and peaceful. He's an incredible father and I'd love to see more children benefit from that.

Bethany
blessed wife and mama to two!

"And children are always a good thing, devoutly to be wished for and fiercely to be fought for."
-Justin Torres

[pinkmomagain]

We were "done" at 2 kids, my eldest (9 yo)has a medical issue, and my 2nd (6 yo) has some developmental issues. And then we were surprised with #3 who is now 7 mo -- all girls.

I have to tell you...when I said I was "done" I mean I gave away all my baby stuff, and would always have a good chuckle while waiting for a parking spot watchin a mom lift a heavy stroller in her trunk. That being said, I am absolutely LOVING #3. It's like I am starting all over again but with more knowledge and calm. She is delicious and I think I am enjoying her as a baby the most. I think, though, if I had her closer to middle child I would have been locked up in the looney bin...so the age spread is definitely making a positive difference in our family dynamic.

Of course now we are debating #4...because of the age difference, we think the family might work better with 2 big ones and 2 little ones. And I need to decide relatively soon since I just turned 39...I'm not getting any younger.

These are not easy decisions to make. Good luck with yours...

Gina

[jesseandgrace]

Good luck! I read that berkeley thread last year and it totally freaked me out, and when I read it again after this post it had the same effect. Just ignore it! I see people enjoying and loving their 3 kids all the time, and they don't look like they are so busy they are crazed.

[khalloc]

We only have 1 now. But I would like 3, my DH wants to stop at 2. He loves our daughter now and would be happy with just her. He says "I want to devote my attention to Caitlin." he will have 2 though. But he says no to 3. I hope to change his mind or have an "oops!". He thinks 3 will make us broke. But I think it will be fine if we time it right.

[jhrabosk]

Well, we're just 6 months into #1, so I'm in no position to talk about anything yet, but...

Even though I'm one of 2 (biological...I do have a step-sister, but we never lived together) and DH is one of 2, I've always had this strange feeling that I'd like 3. However, neither one of us is ever going to earn big bucks and we live in a very expensive area of the country (NYC metro), so I don't know that we could ever make it work. Plus, DH is pushing 40 and I'd like to have some retirement years together on the other end. All selfish reasons, I know, but...