Any Experience With Mean Grandparents??

[Wife_and_mommy]

My father has Alzheimer's disease. He's only been diagnosed since last year but it explained alot of his behavior over my lifetime when we got this news.

The problem lies in that he is downright mean to DD because she doesn't "love" him. I frankly don't blame her but I'm at a loss as to how to approach it on her behalf. I've had a couple of discussions with him and he seems to think DD is the problem which is complete and utter nonsense. She's affectionate with out of town family she's hardly ever seen.

I've explained to her that he's sick but I'm not sure a 2 YO understands mental disease. I don't want dd mistreated, illness or no illness, and am not sure where to draw the line. He doesn't seem to remember the golden rule from one visit to another.

Just wondering/hoping someone/anyone has some insight or experience they might share with me.

Elizabeth
mommy to DD(April '04) and DS(January '06)

http://www.gynosaur.com/assets/ribbons/ribbon_gold_12m.gif[/img][/url]

[himom]

I'm sorry you're in this situation. I'm sure it's difficult for both you and your Dad. I'm not sure exactly what to say to you, but I do have a story.

When we were about 4 & 5 years old, my great-grandmother had Alzheimer's. My mom took us to see her and she scared us to death. She was mean, and she kept telling my mom to watch "that BOY" --aka my little brother-- because she knew he was going to steal something. She yelled at him, glared at him, glared at me, and generally made us miserable.

We'd seen her before, and we saw her after, but this is the ONLY thing I remember about her. Scary mean lady that kept yelling at my baby brother not to steal from her.

It wasn't her fault, just like it's not really your Dad's fault, but it doesn't make a little kid feel any better. Kids can't understand the behavior any more then the adult can stop it. I didn't understand it and I was already 5! You might do better to just limit contact between them.

I don't have any good advice, but I do have good wishes for you and your family. I hope you can work this out so your Dad and your DD are both happy.

Jodi

Edited for clarity

[dhano923]

Unfortunately, I don't think there is much you can do about it. Your father can't remember what's going on, plus Alzheimer patients tend to be more emotional (the way they react to certain situations).

I think all you can do is explain to DD that Grandpa is sick, and that sometimes he says things that aren't nice. And that he doesn't know that he is saying mean things. I wouldn't go into the whole mental illness thing. Tell her that she can help him feel better by talking nicely with him, drawing pictures for him, etc. Maybe if she feels like she can help him, she may open up a bit more.

[buddyleebaby]

I'm so sorry.
I guess you have to decide if it is worth it to bring your dd. Does your dad enjoy her company? Does he ask for her if she's not there?
Unfortunately I think in his case it is pretty much impossible to modify his behavior.
Hugs to you, mama.

[Queensgirl]

Just wanted to say that I'm so sorry you and your family have to go through this.
Alzheimers can be pretty devastating and it's terrible to see someone you love suffer.

I believe the emotional strain inflicted on family is just as devastating. Alzheimer's patients have really no control over their emotions (for many it's a constant state of confusion which leads to upsetting behavior-unfortunately, you probbaly know this already).

I don't know your dad's age or how advanced his disease is but there really is no way for you to rationalize and explain this situation to him. If you can, call before you visit and see if he's having a "good" day or "bad" day, and base your decision on that (this is what I do w/loved ones before I visit or continue a conversation over the phone).
If the situation is upsetting to your daughter (and also to your dad) then I wouldn't include her in the visits (sorry). She's not gaining anything from them & it seems neither is your dad (especially if he's displaying any aggressive behavior).

I'm sure you've read up on it, but if not, this is a good site:
http://www.alz.org/AboutAD/WhatIsAD.asp

I hope there are more "good" days in store for your father and you can enjoy your visits.

-Karina

[Dcclerk]

I had a mean grandma. She wasn't always mean, but the mean parts definitely are the most memorable. I was lucky, though, in that I was older, and so I understood more that it wasn't my issue. Not really a concept that you can impart to a 2 y.o. I suspect.

My brother is quite a bit younger than I, and I just remember my mom running interference a lot. I also think that in retrospect, she wishes that we had less interaction with my grandma because it really ruined a lot of the previous good memories with so many of the bad ones. I definitely agree with the PPs that suggest talking to your DD about how he sometimes says mean things but that he doesn't mean it and he doesn't know what he is saying. I also think that I would limit my interactions to time when DD can be doing something that isn't very interactive with him but could still be around him, e.g. meet at the park, go out to a restaurant, go to the zoo, etc.

Good luck; it's really hard.

[Wife_and_mommy]

Thanks for your well wishes. That story is pretty much my childhood.

It's going to be a rough future for our family. We'll do the best we can I suppose.

Thanks again. :)

Elizabeth
mommy to DD(April '04) and DS(January '06)

http://www.gynosaur.com/assets/ribbons/ribbon_gold_12m.gif[/img][/url]

[Wife_and_mommy]

Thanks for the suggestions. It's really hard right now because I'm still trying to remember in the moment(when he's mean) that he's sick. He's done this for many years(I have a 5yo niece) and we never knew *what* was wrong with him.

He is definitely very emotional in an angry way. It's hard not to reciprocate the anger esp. w/ regards to DD.

Thanks for responding. :)

Elizabeth
mommy to DD(April '04) and DS(January '06)

http://www.gynosaur.com/assets/ribbons/ribbon_gold_12m.gif[/img][/url]

[Wife_and_mommy]

Thanks, Alicia. He doesn't ask for DD but if she's around he's less than nice. I wish he'd not even acknowledge her but her presence seems to "trigger" him.

It's become esp. difficult because DS will smile for anyone so DS "loves" him and gets my dad's "approval" for it while dd only gets dirty looks and name-calling.

Thanks for responding. :)

Elizabeth
mommy to DD(April '04) and DS(January '06)

http://www.gynosaur.com/assets/ribbons/ribbon_gold_12m.gif[/img][/url]

[Wife_and_mommy]

Thanks so much for the info. I did a little research when we got the diagnosis but then had to go have a pesky baby and all. ;)

Like I said, he's been "off" for many years (He's 70 and, literally, for as far back as I can remember he's been this way.)
but he still seems sane(sorry. can't think of a better word) so I'm not sure how advanced it is. I'll have to do some more research and possibly talk with his doc.

My DD doesn't seem overly upset but she looks at him in a fearful way. It's a shame my mom and other family will have to suffer for his behavior. He's not always there when we visit but sometimes arrives during.

Elizabeth
mommy to DD(April '04) and DS(January '06)

http://www.gynosaur.com/assets/ribbons/ribbon_gold_12m.gif[/img][/url]

[Wife_and_mommy]

Thanks for the suggestions.

The only time we see him is when we go to my parents' house. We don't really do activities that include him because he's so ornery. I'm going to continue talking about G-pa being sick and hope DD gets it. Thankfully, so far she seems unfazed by it all.

Thanks again for responding. :)

Elizabeth
mommy to DD(April '04) and DS(January '06)

http://www.gynosaur.com/assets/ribbons/ribbon_gold_12m.gif[/img][/url]

[Mommy_Again]

your post breaks my heart. I cannot imagine watching a parent go through that. DH's grandmother is in the very advanced stages of the disease, and its scary knowing his mom will face it one day since it is so hereditary and we can already see early signs.

Can you tell if he has good times of the day? If he is in assisted living, the employees are usually very informative and helpful in that regard. Maybe you can just visit when you think he'll be "better." We've found mealtimes to be more happy- perhaps you can just go eat with him and avoid other times when you think he might be more apt to react negatively.

I think alzheimers is the nastiest, cruelest disease out there, and I am so sorry you have to go through this. You will be in my thoughts.

[randomkid]

I have no personal experience with this disease, but I work with the elderly and have had many patients with it. It is a brutal, cruel disease and is very trying and exhausting for the families and for the individual with the disease. I send big hugs your way and wish you the best.

I did a Google search with the words "Alzheimer's support" and came up with many links to resources and message boards. Maybe you can get some advice from those who have BTDT.

Here are just a few of the links that I found. I can't attest to any of them, but maybe you can check them out a do a search of your own.

http://www.alzheimersupport.com/chat/forums/index.cfm?b=Alzheimers

http://www.agingcarefl.org/caregiver/alzheimers/support

http://groups.msn.com/AlzheimersSupport

All the best to you and your family.

HTH,

[Wife_and_mommy]

I always knew he wouldn't be a lovey-dovey grandpa. This sounds horrible but I almost wish he didn't recognize any of us rather than be so ornery with the select few he's "chosen"(one of which is my DD).

The only times he's well-behaved is when he's on meds which pretty much make him lethargic. My mom saves those for his worst days. She takes care of him at home and probably always will so the future is looking pretty bleak, imo.

Thanks for responding. :)

ETA: I know what you mean about it being cruel, etc. but it's been a tremendous blessing to me to have an explanation/reason for his downright abusive behavior towards people.

Elizabeth
mommy to DD(April '04) and DS(January '06)

http://www.gynosaur.com/assets/ribbons/ribbon_gold_12m.gif[/img][/url]

[Wife_and_mommy]

Kim,

Thanks for the links. I'll check those out.

Big hugs to you too. My mom cares for elderlies and I truly believe it's a calling. I definitely couldn't do it!

Thanks again. :)

Elizabeth
mommy to DD(April '04) and DS(January '06)

http://www.gynosaur.com/assets/ribbons/ribbon_gold_12m.gif[/img][/url]

[Melanie]

I'm so sorry.

I would be inclined to visit him without the grandchildren and just bring him photos. I think I'd rather my Dc see pics of G-Pa and no memories (or far and few between good ones), than negative ones. Maybe you could talk about him fondly to her and share things like books he may have read to you, etc. Or ask your mom to help him pick out a book or gift(now and then) and send/bring/them from Grandpa and read it to her saying it's from Grandpa.

I can't imagine what you are dealing with, I'm so very sorry.

ETA: I did have a mean grandma, and that's exactly how I remember her too. Added with it the resentment towards my parents for knowingly making me visit the mean side of the familt. YMMV

[KBecks]

My mother has very advanced Alzheimers. I'm sorry that you're going through this.

I'll recommend a good book, Talking to Alzheimer's, I think it's called. It was a very good read for me when my mom was diagnosed.

I wouldn't expect your Dad to be able to understand or control his behavior. I don't think that discussing it with your Dad is going to help, because his functioning is changing.

You haven't described the specific mean behavior, but I'd suggest that you LIMIT and MONITOR your daughter's exposure, and deal with meanness on a case-by-case basis. I think you can correct your Dad, but neutrally, if that makes sense.

As for explaining it to your daughter, I think it's OK to tell her that Grandpa's brain doesn't work as well as it should, and that he loves her and doesn't mean to be the way he is, but he behaves the way he does because he is sick. That may be a little much for a 2 year old, but I think it's important for her to know that his behavior is not intentional, and it's not her fault.

Do what you can to visit and enjoy what you can now in the early stages, but don't be shy about removing or doing other activities with your daughter (i.e. taking her outside to play or in another area of the house if grandpa is not getting along well during a visit).

Good luck and hugs.

[KBecks]

Just wanted to say, watch out for your mom.... it's got to be very difficult and heartbreaking to see your spouse deteriorate from Alzheimers. She may not have the strength /stamina to keep him at home for the rest of his life... and may need a vising nurse or need at some point to put him in assisted living.

All these decisions are hard... but please pay attention to your mom's well-being. It gets so much worse as the disease progresses, and the stress can be a drain on your mom's health.

[dogmom]

My DH and I have already had conversations about this. At some point when his mother gets older she will have to live with us because she has no resources and lives hand to mouth. I worry she might be in the early stages of dementia, but she is so out in left field on a regular basis I really can't tell. (I'm not kidding here.) One thing my husband and I have agreed upon is if she is agressive, mean or violent at some point in her life she can't stay with us with small kids. From my experience as a health care provider dementia can exhibit in many ways. Often older people with a turbulent past or even past mental illnesses have things come to the surface since those normal filters are deterioting. I too have friends who really resented being forced to see their grandparents slipping away when they didn't really recognize their own grandchildren. They way I look at it I believe that neither my DH's mother or my parents would want me to bring a really young child to visit them if it would scare the child or hurt their feelings. My mother (who is a nurse) has already expressed this opinion to me. So I would be OK with not allowing my son to visit my parents if the situation came up.

[Wife_and_mommy]

I totally understand the resentment. I have some towards him for how I was treated as a child. Like I said, he's always behaved this way so I don't know where his personality ends and the illness begins. I'm trying to figure out how to avoid that for my DC's.

Thanks for responding.

Elizabeth
mommy to DD(April '04) and DS(January '06)

http://www.gynosaur.com/assets/ribbons/ribbon_gold_12m.gif[/img][/url]

[Wife_and_mommy]

Thanks for your btdt response.

"I wouldn't expect your Dad to be able to understand or control his behavior. I don't think that discussing it with your Dad is going to help, because his functioning is changing."

This is SO HARD. He still seems fine and has always behaved this way. I need to adjust my expectations and reactions but it's still not habit to respond unemotionally to him. The worst part of it is his tone of voice towards her which is very harsh and unkind.

Best of luck with your mom as well. Thanks again.


Elizabeth
mommy to DD(April '04) and DS(January '06)

http://www.gynosaur.com/assets/ribbons/ribbon_gold_12m.gif[/img][/url]