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View Full Version : UPDATE: WWYD: I think I am going to have to let my babysitter go (REALLY long)



jennifer_r
05-05-2006, 04:41 PM
Well, I knew it had to be done and thought I would wind her down during the summer but then last week, she broke ANOTHER glass. I calmly asked her to be more careful and she FREAKED out on me - "You've never broken anything before! I'm trying to be careful - it just slipped from my hands! You think I did this on purpose! etc." She looked scary. I started to apologize but stopped stating that I don't think I said anything inappropriate and that I wasn't snappy at all and that the only reason I asked her to be more careful is that it was the FIFTH OR SIXTH time she broke something and this time the glass was something relatively special to us and harder to replace. She apologized but not very nicely and finally as she left at the end of the day, she apologized sincerely.

In the post below, I only gave a brief summary of the stuff she's done wrong (I could really go on and on). DH and I decided to let her go and I did it just today. I don't have anyone lined up but I do have a lead. I'd rather have a hectic lifestyle than never knowing what to expect.

I told her that now that summer was coming up, I would want to do more stuff out of the house and just wouldn't need her anymore. My son could help out when needed. She took it O.K. I still feel bad considering everything she is going through. I gave her a month's notice and we will give her a little extra (maybe $1000) at the end, tho she doesn't know this yet.

I feel so much better already and thanks everyone for the support and advice.

************************************************** ******************

First, a little background - I have someone to come help me 3-4 days a week, 4-5 hours a day for a total of 15-20 hours a week. I have a 20.5 month old and a 6 month old. I use her sometimes to do errands (I'm nursing the 6 month old so I take her with me) and she watches DD1 at home. Other times, I am just hanging out at home and she's just supposed to help me in general - from watching one of the children to doing laundry, doing the dishes, etc or feeding DD1 while I nurse the baby or watching one of the children so I can spend one on one time with the other. She's 50 years old, just VERY recently divorced (as of Monday, actually) and has very few skills (doesn't know how to use the computer, let alone the internet and doesn't have a college degree nor any "vocational" skills). She's been out of the workforce for many years (she used to do telemarketing). Besides her alimony and child support, I am her only other source of income (BTW, she charges $15 an hour).

My DH and I have been talking about it since Tue. and I've felt guilty about it, thinking that maybe I shouldn't let her go because maybe, in my mind, all the things she does wrong isn't such a big deal. Last night, DH told me do we want someone who isn't that bright (I'm putting it nicely) to help raise our children. Well, today, I realized how right he is when she did stupid thing # 1 million and one.

I don't want to sound cruel but she's not that bright at all. Since she started (just before my DD2 was born), almost not a day goes by where I correct her, many times for the things that I've already corrected her several times in the past. Things like, putting the child-safety lock on the cabinet door (where all the nasty cleaning supplies are) under the sink (where she will tell me each time - "well, she doesn't know how to open cabinet doors yet, so how important is it?") or separating the breastpump stuff before washing it or snapping the kettle lid after filling up the kettle on securely as opposed to just, well, not doing that (I burned myself once because of her). And there's a lot more things that I constantly have to remind her about. Often, she'll act like it's the first time hearing this. For all the things I "correct" her for, there's just as many things that I don't because I feel bad that I'm always correcting her. For example, I've never told her that she should not fold my socks together INSIDE-OUT and she does this a few times, every load (as long as there's socks ofcourse). I just end up redoing alot of stuff she's supposed to do. Today, I corrected her on TWO new items - one thing is that she's constantly putting DD1's shoes on the nubuck suede couch or the kitchen table instead of in the closet. I apologized for correcting her (am I too picky? but in my mind I also feel that shoes are dirty and do not belong on those places). The other thing I corrected her for was regarding the bumper on DD2's crib - last time she changed the sheet, she left a 2-3 inch gap.

So, what pushed us over the edge? Whenever I ask her to do anything slightly out of our usual routine, she messes it up. Take Tuesday - the sprinkler people were going to come, 2 hours ahead of when I scheduled them for and I had to run out for a brief time so I told her to just let them in so they could turn on the water in the basement. My friend was over and heard this whole conversation, BTW. My sitter said she was going to take DD1 outside to play but now wouldn't be a good time since they were going to come any minute. I agreed and asked her to stay inside the house. I came back a half hour later with my friend and didn't see the sprinkler people. They left a message on voice mail so I called them back and they told me that noone answered the door. I asked my sitter about that and she said they were lying - she was OUTSIDE with DD1 and would have heard the doorbell. The sprinkler people came back and told me that if this happened again, they wouldn't service my house again. I was sooo angry and my friend was even amazed - she said - "I heard you ask her to stay in the house - we were only gone a short time". ARGHHHH! I didn't confront her further because I am a wimp.

But, even with that I felt guilty letting her go until, today, after she left, I went to put DD2 in the crib and saw how she put the bedding back together - the bumper was correct this time. However, the FP crib aquarium was put back on so it was facing the wall and the only thing DD2 would be able to see from the crib would be the straps (this is stupid thing # 1 million and 1).

So, tell me I am doing the right thing. It's hard to find help but she's not worth the frustration and I often have to do things over. Plus, like DH stated, don't we want someone brighter to help care for our children, both from a stimulating perspective and a safety perspective. I have a friend who has someone who is looking for this kind of work (a 20 year old college student) and she used her in the past and was very happy with her. I just don't know how to approach my sitter or if I should just slowly phase her out. I don't want to hurt her feelings and I know that she's in a bind economically (I don't know what the alimony is but he was making between 150K-200K per year - she only found out during the divorce proceeding - don't know how you wouldn't know how much your husband makes but that's my sitter for you).

I am so sorry this is so long. I guess this is part cartharsis, part making sense out of this whole thing and part looking for advice. If I am doing the right thing, how do I let her go?



Jennifer

Mom to:
Christopher 12/29/89
Adelaide 8/23/04
Bronwyn 11/9/05

http://www.gynosaur.com/assets/ribbons/ribbon_rosequartz_3m.gif[/img][/url]

chlobo
05-05-2006, 05:09 PM
She sounds a lot like my mother in some regards - that is that she is very flighty and sometimes I wonder if she could find her way out of a paper bag.

However, she loves DD to death and DD loves her. Of course I can't fire my mom. However, I do severly limit the things I ask her to do. Basically, when she is over she focuses on DD and I can count on the house being a mess when she leaves.

So I guess if you *need* her to do household chores and you are particular about how they get done thenshe isn't a good fit for what you need. Obviously some of it is a safety issue (leaving cabinet with cleaning supplies open) and some of it is just your preference (socks turned inside out). In either case she just isn't doing what you want and need her to do. So if that's what you are paying her for then let her go.

As an aside, I don't necessarily think it boils down to how smart she is but how well she is doing what you are paying her to do. I could be a rhodes scholar but still turn your socks the wrong way.

mudder17
05-05-2006, 05:19 PM
Honestly, if she's not doing what you're paying her to do, then you should be able to let her go without feeling guilty about it (although, like you, I would feel bad about it). But she's not holding up her end of the "contract" so I would say that you need to look for someone else. I think I would approach her and basically say, "I'm sorry, but I don't think this is going to work out." Then give her the 2 weeks notice or whatever it is you need to give her.

I'm guessing the intelligence thing wouldn't matter so much if she was at least able to do those things you have asked her to do. After all, you didn't hire her to teach your children or anything like that. But if she's not doing certain things correctly, including those things that are safety related, then I would say it's time for her to go. And FWIW, Kaya was able to get into cabinets well before Adelaide's age, so it could happen in a flash.


Eileen

http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/candle.gif for Leah
http://www.gynosaur.com/assets/ribbons/ribbon_sapphire_24m.gif

http://tickers.baby-gaga.com/t/catcatcvi20040222_-6_Kaya+is.png
Kaya will be a sister, ~11/14/06!

Marisa6826
05-05-2006, 05:44 PM
I know you've been struggling with this for a while. I've had to let caregivers go in the past - both for some seemingly minor events (continually breaking stuff), but also for really egregious behaviour (sleeping on the couch while the Sophie was awake).

I think that the bottom line is that I suspect your sitter is somewhat absent minded, and while that might not be an issue if she's watching older, more competent children, it's a huge deal when tending to toddlers.

I can't help but worry what would happen, God forbid, if there was an emergency - if one of the girls fell down the stairs, or even worse, was choking and needed immediate rescue.

I'm paying my sitter comparatively, and she's an older woman. She runs circles around ME in her abilities to corral both kids and get stuff done. That said, it's a huge financial burden for us, but I don't know what I would do without her. Seriously, I think it's what keeps me sane a lot of the time. I know that that sounds totally lame, but for right now, she's my saving grace. She's also become family to us in every sense of the word. She's more or less the Grandmother that Hydra can't be to Sophie and Mia in terms of love and attention.

I would have a long talk with your sitter, and tell her it's just not working out. I wouldn't give her a list of wrongs, so much as tell her that you don't feel it's a good match anymore - A is getting older and needs somebody more on their toes.

As far as the college girl goes, remember that it maybe a better match, but girls that age come with totally different sets of potential issues - boys, internet, etc. I would phase her in, but perhaps over a period of time that YOU'RE home. You know - don't have both sitters there at the same time. That's a setup for disaster.

Keep us posted.

hugs

-m

omgrown
05-05-2006, 05:47 PM
I don't want to sound mean either, but at $15 an hour, she should do her job correctly. Plus, if you're concerned about your children's safety (ie cabinet doors) then you have more than enough reason to let her go. If you don't feel comfortable having her in the house, then you have every right to let her go. Its your call, but it sounds like you need to find new help. Not everyone is going to mess things up like that. Maybe someone younger will be more willing to do things your way instead of someone older who might have the attitude of "this is my way of doing things and they worked fine for me, so why should I do something different" you know?
JMO

jennifer_r
05-05-2006, 07:34 PM
Adelaide now knows how to open the cabinets (the past month, probably) and finally the sitter remembered to start putting the safety locks on them about that time (hmmm, maybe in this case she wasn't forgetful but lazy).

Jennifer

Mom to:
Christopher 12/29/89
Adelaide 8/23/04
Bronwyn 11/9/05

http://www.gynosaur.com/assets/ribbons/ribbon_rosequartz_3m.gif[/img][/url]

elliput
05-05-2006, 08:09 PM
I think you are doing the right thing by letting your sitter go. Her memory lapses are a red flag to me - from what you are describing she sounds like she is having short term memory problems. If there is some way to do it tactfully, you may consider suggesting that she talk to her doctor about this issue. Alzheimers can start to appear at your sitters age, and if diagnosed with such, she needs to have treatment and in no way should be responsible for young children.

KBecks
05-05-2006, 09:34 PM
Most of the things you are talking about are, IMO, little things. That said, it sounds like your sitter's performance probably isn't going to change much.

I think that you can probably get change in a few areas, like the cabinet locks, but you'd probably never get everything done just the way you want it.

So in that case, go ahead and get a new sitter. Her life situation isn't your problem. However, you may want to consider a transition period or something, I don't know.

It sounds like she's not able to change the way she normally does things to accomodate the way you want them.

Realize that NO sitter will be perfect, they're all human. But you can try for someone who will be closer to meeting your needs.

cbm
05-06-2006, 08:34 AM
Jennifer, if you aren't happy with your babysitter, then fire her. It is hard to do, I understand, but you have to do what you have to do. It isn't worth the frustration. Also consider that eventually your children will pick up on your feelings for her making things difficult in the future.

As far as hiring a younger person, I am sorry, but it will not necessarily solve your problem. For a previous job I had, I trained people of different ages (20-50) and I can assure you that age had nothing to do with the performance of their job. Some people have attitude, others don't. Some people have ethics, others don't. Ultimately it boiled down to motivation. Again some have it, others don't.
Have you tried having a meeting with her and review her performance? That is what some businesses do when someone doesn't perform well. Why not with a babysitter? May not apply for you at this point, but maybe it will for those who are reading.

Claudia
DS 12/18/04

Sarah1
05-06-2006, 12:34 PM
You should not feel bad letting her go. If it's too hard for you to be honest (and it sounds like she's going through a rough period right now and maybe you want to spare her feelings), I'd just say that you and your husband are rethinking your needs for childcare and want to go without a babysitter for a while.

mik8
05-06-2006, 04:12 PM
Try not to feel bad (though you probably feel guilty given her financial circumstances at this point). A babysitter who spends a decent amount of time with children is very much an integral part in their daily upbringing and if she's not able to meet even the simplest task, I think it is justifiable enough to let her go not to mention your added frustration. I have met and befriended a few absent minded people back in college and they remained that way. Sounds she's like that although could be due to her recent marital status preoccupation. Have a heart to heart talk with her. Will it help pacify your feelings a bit if you give her some kind of a small parting gift as a thank you gesture for taking care of your kids? While it might be tough for you, life will go on for the betterment.

Lynnie
05-06-2006, 09:46 PM
I think you need to follow your gut instinct and find someone else.

I had a babysitter once who never felt quite right, seemed kind of slow and/or forgetful. Generally, she would just come over a couple nights a week to help out when I got home from work and my husband wasn't here. (or even if he was...can't really nominate him for helper of the year). She bugged me for some reason, and was a little older, but I really appreciated the help during dinner time and all, so I figured I'd just suck it up. One night, DH took DS1 out to the store. I told the sitter I was going for a walk, and would be back in half an hour or so. She put the baby to bed. I walked around the neighborhood, got back in about 30 minutes, and her car was gone. And my husband's wasn't back yet.
SHE LEFT THE BABY HOME ALONE.

Granted, he was asleep, and I was just in the neighborhood and only gone 30 minutes, but I freaked out. I think you'll have to just accept the fact that you'll feel guilty, and it will be uncomfortable to let her go, but remember that the discomfort will be over soon enough, and then you'll be able to find someone else who is a better fit, and with whom you feel more comfortable.

pixelprincess
05-07-2006, 04:51 AM
I'd let a sitter go if safety is a concern. My current sitter isn't as bright and DS is understimulated to say the least, but she is trustworthy and kind. I used to worry about the lack of stimulation but now I try to instruct her on the specific activities for the afternoon. For eg. Take him to the park and later he'll do playdoh and music. Funny, she folds socks inside out too and I redo them though it bugs me.

I hope you can talk to her...perhaps her job performance might improve if she knows how you feel. It is not worth the frustration to keep someone that isn't working out when you can find someone else that might do a much better job.

annasmom
05-07-2006, 05:28 AM
Kind of off topic - I am about to go through the nanny hiring process because my current part-time nanny is moving away. I noticed that you live in NJ, if you need some names of nanny placement services, let me know. I live in Central Jersey, but I used to live in Northern NJ too, so I know a name up there too. I agree with the PPs that you shouldn't feel bad about letting her go, it just doesn't seem to be working out. Best of luck to you!

lizajane
05-07-2006, 10:30 AM
i don't know if this will help, but i was a 20 year old babysitter.

(10 years ago... for only $5.50 an hour! lol!)

when i started, i was just connor's friend. i played with him and took him on walks, to the park, to run errands or go shopping with me (actually interesting to a 1 year old... he rode around in a backpack)

as i was with the family more, they asked me to throw in a load of laundry or unload the dishwasher. as soon as they asked, i always left the kitchen spotless (the baby napped) and i always folded what was in the dryer and put in the next load. while i usually cleaned up the kitchen when i babysat for anyone, it never occured to me to do the extras- the laundry or dishwasher, etc. i just cleaned up the toys.

my point- if you hire a younger person, she may not have the ideas on her own, but she should be able to accomplish tasks that you ask her to do. you should only have to ask once.

i recently took a 13 year old on weekend trip. she got up with the kids at 6am without being asked. she never let the baby out on the scary deck unless she was holding him (and she didn't let him down.) she cleaned up the living room every afternoon. she offered to help make meals. she changed the kids' outfits everytime they got wet or sandy, etc. i hardly ever had to ask her to do anything. and she is 13. and we had not offered to pay her. (we did end up paying her because he did SO much work.)

if your ADULT sitter can't keep up with what you ask and my 13 year old can do it on her own, it is time to find a new sitter. try hiring someone for a 2 week trial so you don't have to feel bad if you need to let her go.

BeachBum
05-07-2006, 12:04 PM
This lady isn't your friend, she is your employee. If she is unable, or unwilling to do the things your hired her to do then you can and should let her go. You are under no moral obligation to keep her just because she has personal problems!

That said, I think that when you have a problem with someone's job performance you do have an obligation to tell them. Correcting them isn't being mean. It is not fair to her (or to you really) to let things fester. She deserves an opportunity to fix the problem.

That said, in this situation it seems like there isn't really anything she could do at this point to make you feel good about continuing to employee her (except maybe a brain transplant).

The easiest thing for you to do would be to lie and say you don't want/can't afford the help anymore.
The best thing for her, would be to hear the truth as hard as it is.

JMO :)

Mommy_Again
05-07-2006, 08:56 PM
you've gotten great feedback, but I will briefly add:

1) She seems like a safety hazzard
2) She is causing you more work and stress when she should be making your life easier
3) I 100% understand the guilt you feel, it just shows you are a compassionate human being. But you need to do what is ultimately best for your family.
4) While each individual thing that she does/doesnt do might be minor, added all together it is a pretty big deal (would be for me, at least)
5) Give her a generous notice, like a month perhaps, and allow her to take time off to interview whenever she needs to
6) Age is irrelevant when it comes to competence and responsibility. I've seen amazing nannies in their young twenties, and you are now dealing with a not so amazing one in her 50s. Make a list of qualities that are important to you, and check references.

Follow your gut and listen to your mama's instinct.

maestramommy
05-15-2006, 10:55 PM
I think all things considered, this is for the best. Her freaking out all of a sudden IS a little scary. But at least you had a very innocuous reason for letting her go. Hope your lead works out!