what to do about DC #2

[megs4413]

we're currently on the ttc train and I'm starting to wonder if I should hop off and stay planted where I'm at. I'm worried that I won't be able to be the Mom I want to be for 2 children. I barely get everything I want to get done done with just one and she's an angel! What if I have a devil child!?!? How will I cope? Will it be unfair to DD? How do you moms with more than one deal with this concern? I thought giving DD a sibling was a good thing to do, but the more I think about it, the more I wonder if we'll be taking something away from her life rather than adding something to it. Thoughts??

[MarisaSF]

Okay, I only have one, but I can understand what you're going through a little bit because we're thinking about #2 as well.

I would love to hear from other parents too!

How old is your DD? Do you have siblings yourself?
Mine is 21 months and talks about babies all the time. "Want hold baby." "Want touch baby tickle hair." "Baby cute." etc. etc. She cuddles her dolls and animals, pats them night-night, and is generally very loving.

I think she would love a sibling as much as I love mine. I hope she will love being a sibling as much as my sibs and I do. I try to think of the future -- being sibs at age 30 more than how hard it will be to take care of more than one young 'un. Since I love being a sib so much, I think it would almost be "unfair" not to give her one and to deny her something that was and is so valuable to me. My sibs are in no hurry to give her any cousins, so I'm kinda her only hope for company at the kiddie table.

All that said, I'm not too excited to have a newborn. I like 'em better once they're toddlers. I try to tell myself that the days go by fast (but it's the nights that worry me more!). :+

[DebbieJ]

At 2 1/2 yo my son STILL does not sleep through the night. That is what worries me most. Having a non-sleeping toddler and a non-sleeping newborn.

So ttc for #2 is on hold for us right now (for that and many other reasons).

But I have three sisters and a brother and would not trade it for the world. I know I am not cut out to have 5 myself, but am hoping I can keep my sanity long enough to have a total of 3.

~ deb
DS born at home 12/03
2 year check up: 25 lbs with clothes on and 35 inches!
BFARed for 20 months and 6 days
(Breastfeeding After Reduction is possible! www.bfar.org)

http://www.bfar.org/members/fora/style_avatars/Ribbons/18months-bfar.jpg

[ribbit1019]

I can say that I feel that DD is not cheated. Yes, overall time spent with her vs. DS is less. I feel though that once he is no longer a "baby" that this will even out. I try to do my best by her though. We dance, sing, build, read, color, rock, play with baby dolls and stuffed animals all with DS slung or in my arms. DS does spend a lot more time in the bouncer and the swing than DD ever did. There are some times when I can't/won't hold him or sling him because of safety (cooking/cleaning), or plain old exhaustion.

My house is a mess. I rarely get to do anything for myself or DH. I don't get to devote as much one on one time with each of them. I am hoping these things will improve as he gets older. And hopefully my coping abilities will improve as well. ;) As for the Devil Child thing, I can't comment, I have a generally happy little guy and DD is only really bad when she is exhausted. Exhaustion = nap or bedtime for her.

I wouldn't trade DD passing mom over to get to her "Baby Brudder/Baby Jerwid/Baby Cry" she loves him and is so gentle and loving and overall not jealous. She has her moments but I can't blame her. Usually there is another set of arms for her to go to if DS is taking a set. Really we are only alone for 6 hours a day, at other times DH is home or she is sleeping.

Every situation is different, so for you the things that are o.k. for me, may not be o.k. for you. (i.e. many people could not function in as messy of a house as I live in right now, lol!) But there are many many moms that can keep things under control (maybe not perfect) and still have time to enjoy their kids.

If you decide to go the route to give your DD something as wonderful as a sibiling you are giving her a very nice gift. I think what you add far outweighs what is taken away. Just my 2 biased cents. ;)

I will never regret having more than one child. :)

Christy
My Waterbabies
Maddy 6/9/04
http://lilypie.com/baby2/040609/3/4/0/-5/.png
& Jarred 3/8/06, 11 lb 14.5 oz 24" @ 6 wks, a happily breastfed babe.
http://b1.lilypie.com/KH1pm5/.png
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v221/steitzsmith/Other/jump.gif

[pampamz]

We had DD after 3 yrs of DS being an only child. He had a great 3 yrs of all our attentions and I was pretty concerned when DD came along. He was fine -- thankfully, and my weepiness about him feeling less love etc etc was totally unneccessary. He loves DD, and IMO he still gets more "fun attention" and really loves having me home w/both of them while I'm on Mat Leave. She really is just along for the ride and likes to hang out with us while we are playing. Sidebar: she totally ignores most baby toys and just plays w/his baby-safe size stuff. It's great...I wouldn't trade it for a minute and DS seems totally happy.
FYI -- Life is BUSY though!!!!

[jbowman]

Alice is almost 4 months, and Ellie is about 2 1/2 years old. The first week (right after we brought Alice home from the hospital) was tough (by tough, I mean emotionally--it was hard for me, DH, and Ellie), but after that, it has been easier. Ellie adores Alice (she always says, "I love HIM so much!" or "He's so cute!" LOL). I don't feel as if either child is getting less attention, it's just a different dynamic now. Our home is a very stimulating environment these days. ;)

Honestly, having two has been easier than I thought it would be. I don't mean it has been easy by any stretch, just *easier*.

[annasmom]

Oops!

[annasmom]

My dc are 15 months apart, and my dd really didn't pay much attention to her little brother until just recently. But now that he is up and running, they are the best little buddies. Honestly, my dh and I ask ourselves all the time how parents of ONE child do it! My dc entertain eachother all day. I often think that I would have no free time if I had just one child. They have so much fun together.

I have been saying to my dh so often recently that my ds is just the happiest little boy, and it is ALL because he has a big sister. My dd was a happy baby, don't get me wrong, but nothing compares to the fun my little guy has because his sister is in his life.

LOL, I hope I am saying something similar when our new baby comes in September!!!

[janeybwild]

I think what you're feeling is something most parents of one child feel when contemplating going to 2. Coping with one is a full-time job, so how on earth are you supposed to manage with 2? I know that I worried about exactly the same things. But, here are the things I didn't bank on that make it so worth it for me. To see Megan developing a nurturing side is awesome. To hear her say "we don't eat shoes sweetie" to Dana, brings me to tears every time. Taking turns is practiced at our house every day and I think this is good practice for the outside world for both of them. Each child gets special mom or dad time each week, and that time is more precious than ever. Megan gets a chance to cheer for Dana's accomplishments, and hopefully it will be the same for Dana. Each child is different, but the love is there for them both, equal but different. I don't care quite as much about other "stuff". I've lost the urge to worry that my house isn't clean enough or my kids don't have the "right" toys. Even though I’m busier, I feel less stressed (at times!). Being busier forces me to be more organized. Also, it was easy to forget when contemplating child #2 that child #1 would be 9 months older when it came, and more prepared. Anyway, I would trust your gut on this and don't over think it IYKWIM. If you don't feel you're ready, then wait, no second guessing. It’s hard not to make a decision out of fear when it of this magnitude. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes I wax nostalgic at the memory of one child to worry about and pack for, and the loss of my free time. But, I can’t imagine not having this other little person in our lives that brings us such joy. I didn’t mean this to sound quite so preachy, but I hope you understand what I'm trying to say here in this rambling diatribe. Going from 2 to 3, now that's a whole 'nother story :)

[annasmom]

To hear her say "we don't eat shoes sweetie" to
>Dana, brings me to tears every time.

Janey, that is the CUTEST thing! I am teary just reading it!!

[Momof3Labs]

Well, we're still early in the game, but I have to say that I'm glad that we waited a little longer for #2. DS1 was a bit challenging as an infant (okay, a lot challenging) and we just weren't ready for a second until he was a little older. I don't feel that DS1 is shortchanged now. He still gets a lot of one-on-one time with each of us, and he loves his baby brother to the ends of the earth. Plus, we accepted long ago that we can't get done everything that needs to get done, but as long as our kids are happy and healthy, that's okay. Besides, all of these things are short-term in the grand scheme of things.

DS2 spends more time in the swing/bouncy chair than DS1 ever did, but that's partly because he tolerates it. He also spends a lot of time in our arms, and he's nursing so gets snuggle time when he's eating, too. I don't feel that he is deprived, it's just different than a first baby.

I definitely don't think that 2 kids are twice the work of one child.

Thinking into the future, I know that they'll enjoy playing together. Yeah, they'll fight too, but that's normal. But as they grow up, they'll always have each other. And (selfishly), should DH pass on early (he has a history of cancer), I won't be alone either and won't be a burden to just one child. I think that we'll eventually try for a third, though probably won't try for a 3.5y age difference this time around!

So, if it doesn't feel right for now, then put your plans on hold. But they may feel right in 6 months, in a year, in two years.

[Piglet]

I won't repeat what others have said, but I will say that as an only child, I really wish that I had a sibling. I loved being an only child and thankfully have a great relationship with my parents, but I LOVE the family dynamic in DH's family. I really appreciate that his brothers have adopted me as a sister of sorts because I would have been really sad to never have that kind of relationship. I also know a lot of really screwed up only children and although I have ben told that I am "surprisingly normal" for an only child, I know it has a lot to do with my parents making a point of not spoiling me. It can be hard not to put all your proverbial eggs into one basket, which is why so many only childern are not very good about not getting their own way, etc.

I even remember DS1 seeming quite spoiled with attention until DS2 came on the scene. DS1 was the first grandchild all around and everyone wanted to hold him, feed him, buy things for him. I know that he has been dethroned a bit with the arrival of DS2, but I see that it has helped him mature immensely. He can now do so many things for himself that we didn't even realize he could do because we never let him try. With 2 kids, both of them have to learn to share, have to accept that they will not always win and generally have to sometimes fend for themselves while the other one requires immediate attention.

As a 2nd time mom, I will say that it is SO much easier than the 1st time around - you feel like an old pro. Everything seems strangely familiar and you don't worry about all the little details anymore. What remains difficult is the 2 child dynamic and it is your 1st that continues to throw curve balls your way, just as before, because he is still entering uncharted territory. DS1 is still the one that make me question my parenting since he is always maturing and sometimes acting out in ways that I didn't expect. He is the one that amazes me with his growth and development and keeps me on my toes with difficult questions. DS2 keeps my on my toes for all the standard reasons - I have to re-babyproof this week because he figured out how to get through all the existing babyproofing, LOL! It still seems familiar, even though he is a total opposite to DS1!

Really - 2 isn't so hard! 1 is great, but 2 is out of this world... now if only I could figure out if I wanted #3!

Good luck,

[ykc]

It's hard to imagine life with more than one child. Remember how hard it was to imagine life with a child, before your baby was born? Now, you probably can barely remember life without a kid. Having two can be challenging, and you definitely don't get as much done that is not related to actual child care, but somehow your family works something out. Do we have less patience? Sure. Are we more frazzled? Sometimes. Does everyone get as much attention and time as they need? Not always (especially true for the adults!!). But are we short on love and laughter and fun? Not at all.

I don't think you'll be unfair to your child by having to pay attention to a new baby. It's not good for a child to feel the whole world to revolves around her. Not to imply that parents of onlys don't do a wonderful job rearing their kids--it's just easier to learn lessons in patience, delayed gratification, sharing, consideration when you have siblings.

As for the devil child thing, well, I'm worried about #3 here (frankly, #2 was no-brainer in my family, but I wonder whether I lost my senses in wanting #3). My other two have their moments, but are generally well-behaved, and I still complain!! It'll be my comeuppance to have a demon child for the next one. But I guess we'll just have to see and cope as best we can. And I'm sure that he/she will compensate with some extra sweet personality trait that we just can't anticipate yet. I hope. :)

If you think you want more than one, then don't overthink the rest of it. There's just no way to really know how it all works before that second one comes along. But it does.

[megs4413]

I quite agree. I'm so tickled! How amazingly sweet.

[megs4413]

"I will never regret having more than one child."

This really hit home for me. I guess in the grand scheme of things, while I might regret not going for #2, I will never regret having another child. I'm sure we'll adjust to 2 andi know DD will be a great big sister. Thanks for the advice.

[megs4413]

Thanks for all the advice. I feel much better about things today. I know DD will love being a big sister....we just have to get pregnant first!

[kijip]

I am of the belief that you can only have a second child if YOU and your partner want/desire to have another. Giving your DD a sibling is not a reason to have a baby. Detracting from your DD's life/being unfair to your DD is not a reason NOT to have one (ETA: if there a special considerations with your current child/ren that might be different. My parents stopped having children specifically because of my little brother's medical issues. They felt that the rest of us were already getting the short end of the attention stick and that financially, affording another and my brother's therapy was too much. But that is the case only rarely). If you want to add to your family, the details on how etc will work themselves out. You need to think about what is best for your family as a whole, including you and the possible additional child/ren and not only what is best for DD.

[amp]

I had so much guilt about having another baby, even though she was planned for, tried for, longed for. I felt so guilty about rocking DS's world with a sibling. I had the blues after her birth. I grieved for my relationship with him and all that having another baby would do to it. I worried that I wouldn't love the baby enough. I worried that I would love the baby more. I worried that DS wouldn't love me as much. I worried that he would hate his sister. I worried that she would be as difficult a baby as he was. I worried about *everything*.

The short story is, it was all for naught. I really mean that. I love her desperately, but she has, in no way, changed the amount of love I have for DS. Actually, I take that back. If it's possible, I love him even more now than I did before, because I watched him handle a tricky situation with the trust and love that I never guessed. He handled it with such grace and took it in stride and loved his sister. I ended up loving him more and swelling with pride to see him accept his new role. I was so proud of him that I thought I might burst. And that doesn't even begin to explain how full of love and joy I was at watching him hold his sister. I love them both more desperately than I believed possible. My heart grew enough to love them both as much as I've ever loved anyone in my life.

Is it stressful to have two? Absolutely! is it worth it to have them both here? Absolutely! No question. It was worth every second of worry. But none of the worry was necessary. It was absolutely, positively the right decision for us.

[wagner36]

Hee Hee - Baby Evie is a "he" to Charlie too!

[KBecks]

I think that's so normal. Definitely go with your comfort level, but for me, it's almost like the concerns I had about having baby #1 -- stepping into the unknowns of parenthood.

DS#1 is a fantastic child, and so I'm taking time to especially enjoy my time with him now. And to enjoy the naps when I get time to myself!

I do worry about taking away some of DS#1's special status, but he will always be special to us, and so we're just going to have to make it work to see that he still gets lots of affection, attention and love from us.

I guess I'm expecting that DH will be more involved out of necessity while we are adjusting... he's already a great dad.

We will probably have to get more organized to get the house stuff done. And, we may have to just live with a little more mess until I get the swing of raising 2 kids.

Anyway, I reassure myself because lots and lots and lots of people have done it and survived and thrived. If they can, so can we!

[nofeea]

I worried about DD #1 almost the whole time I was pregnant with #2. DH thought I was nuts but I felt so bad for her, thinking about all she would 'lose' by having another child in the family.
Fast forward two years.
DD certainly doesn't have our undivided attention anymore but there is NOTHING more beautiful than watching her roll around in bed cuddling with her little sister. She has told me that her sister is her best friend and the way they hug and kiss each other I cannot even imagine having denied them each other's company and love. (Not that they never have some sibling rivalry, but overall they adore each other.)

I also love to think 20-30 years down the road. A whole family coming home and getting together for holidays...lots of kids running around with an extended family of cousins, aunts, uncles, etc...

I totally remember your concerns (I had them too) But not only would I never regret having #2, I would consider it one of the best decisions I've ever made.

Just a thought from someone who once was where you are...

[Lovingliv]

I grew up in a large family.....I was number 6 out of 7. We have all kinds of kids in my family. Everyone fills a "role". We have the smart one, the caretaker (ok, a couple of those), the queen, the baby (aka spoiled)etc. We had such an amazing love for each other. I love each of my brothers and sisters very differently,,,,but very much.
As I have had this same thought as you, I began to think "how will I love another like I love Liv?" I think the answer is "I won't." I will love my kids just like I love my sisters and brothers.
I will love each of my kids very differently...but I will love them all.
Don't worry,,,,I think it just all works out. But I to have had the same questions you do! You are not alone!

[KrisM]

That is what I'm worried about, too. DS is 2 and does not sleep through the night. I guess I figure I'm used to being tired by now and we'll just go with it.