Why is my almost 3 yr old boy crying at the drop of a hat (LONG)

[cilantromapuche]

Is it because:

1) He is about to hit the terrible threes?
2) We are about to have another child?
3) His allergies have been terrible?

He is driving me crazy. I have to make a decision about taking a year off of work next year with him and the babe and I don't have enough patience.
He cries because he doesn't want something, then he cried because he wants it. Do you give into it?

Some examples:

1)We went to buy ice cream. He cried because he then wanted to put it back. OK. Then he cried because he wanted some, so we I pick three different kinds and let him pick one.

2) He saw an apple for my lunch. He cried because he didn't want an apple. I told him that it was for my lunch. He then cried because he wanted it.

3)He told me he was done with dinner and I gave him dessert. I then was eating his leftovers. Then he cried because he wanted his dinner.
Thanks for bearing with me.

Christine

mama to A (7/03)and a girl (6/06)

[crl]

I'm not much help here, but wanted to share an idea for #3. DS was being horrid about saying he was done with his food, but pitching a fit after I threw it away. So, I started making him throw it away. He is now responsible for clearing his plate after every meal and every snack. It does mean sometimes throwing away food that I might otherwise save, but I'm okay with that. Somehow when he does it himself, he doesn't whine about wanting the food back.

Sorry I'm not more help,

[amp]

We are TOTALLY going through the same thing! I'm ready to sell him to the gypsies! I don't think age 3 is going to be easy to navigate at all!!

[barbarhow]

He soudns tired. Is something interrupting his sleep? Maybe his allergies are interfering with sleep. Jack gets this way sometimes and it seem sthat an early bedtime for a few nights and some extra hugs sets him straight again.
Hugs to you Christine. It is tough to cope with a toddler when you are very pregnant.
Barbara-mom to Jack 3/27/03, a Red Sox fan
and Anna 5/12/05, my little Yankee fan!

[JBaxter]

3's were harder at our house than 2's ever were but it does sound like he is tired. Do you think his allergies are keeping him from sleeping sound? One of the allergy meds my oldest DS was on ( and there were so many I cant rembember which one) kept him from a good nights sleep he thrashed all night. Hope he feels better soon ( for his sake and yours)

[cilantromapuche]

DS has never slept well from Day 1 and at 2 weeks they thought he had a sleep disorder, so he has never slept well and no difference now.
I do ask him to do things and he refuses...making it a power struggle and I do make him do it, but this is a new level. GRRR.

Christine

mama to A (7/03)and a girl (6/06)

[JBaxter]

We have something happen at our house I loosely call toddler PMS. Some days are GREAT some days NOTHING makes him happy. Hugs !

[proggoddess]

My mom gave me all her old parenting books from when I was a child and I've been reading "How to Parent" by Fitzhugh Dodson. It's out of print, according to Amazon.

Anyway, he calls the terrible twos the "First Adolescence" because like teenagers, toddlers/preschoolers are trying to find their identity and break away from the past so they can mature. Toddlers go from being a baby to becoming a child, while teenagers go from being children to becoming adults. He knew his son had gone from the toddling baby to the first adolescent stage when his son used to say "no" calmly to something he didn't want to an angry "No! Don't want it!" response. :)

I haven't finished the chapter yet, but I just wanted to throw this analogy out there. Maybe you'll find it comforting. (Or maybe, like me, you'll think "Oh, man, I'll have to do this again when the kids are 13?")

(Maybe you can find the book at the library or something. Even though it was written in the 70s, I don't find it out of date at all.)

[babymama]

Do we have the same child? Those examples are exactly the kind of things that happen in my home. In our case, I think it;s a combo of a few things. I think a) he doesn't always get enough sleep and b) he's still adjusting to having a new baby in the house and feels he has to compete for attention. DH and I tool a class in Redirecting Children's Behavior in order to try to find answers. I learned a lot in the class - loved it! I'm not even going to attempt to try to explain the major themes of the class here (too long).

Instead, I'll share some techniques that seem to be working here for us when dealing with this sort of ultra-sensitive behavior (listed in no particular order):
- give him lots of moments of undivided attention throughout the day. I know this is hard bc every mom is a busy mom, but I find that when I've spread these out throughout the day, he is much less needy overall.
- meet him where he is; in other words, when my DS is upset about everything (like the apple situation you describe), I might just hold him, just be with him for a bit while he gets out his emotions, then when the time seems right I might throw him a lifeline like offer him a glass of water or ask if he wants to go outside, etc.
- try to diffuse the situation by allowing him to be upset, without trying to talk him out of it (combined with loving touch). It took me a long time to realize that it's not about the apple or the ice cream or the whatever else...it's about him feeling needy and needing to express his emotions.
- depending on how worked up he is, I might just do something really silly to try to make him laugh off the situation. act like a monkey, beatbox a rap song, 3 Stooges sounds, all of these make him laugh. warning: this won't work for me if DS is too far into his tantrum.
- offer him a glass of water
- take him outside to see the trees
- show him something "new" , stuff in the kitchen drawer is especially intriguing: measuring spoons, whisk, melon baller, twist ties
- if he tries to hit me when he's throwing his tantrum (which he sometimes does): I tell him that it's okay for him to be mad and sad but it is not okay to hit/kick mommy. I ask if he prefers that I leave (resonse is usually more hitting and more crying). At that point I say, something like "Honey, I'm sorry that you are upset. I'd like to help you, but I'm not willing to stay here and be hit. So I'm going to go now until you can be sad without hitting mama." Usually, I come back after I've had a moment to take a few deep breaths and remind myself to stay calm.

Anyway - I hope this helps.

Lydia
Mama to Santiago, my 2 yr old monster
and new baby girl, Solana, born 12/26/05
I'll figure out how to update my avatar someday!

[marit]

I vote for answer #2.

DD was EXACTLY the same before the baby was born. They feel there is something in the air, and they don't understand what it is or how to express how they feel. Someone told that to me when I was asking the same question, and I said NNNAAAAAAAA, nothing is different and she can't tell. I was wrong.

Obviously something is bothering him and it's not the apple or the ice cream. My suggestion is brace yourself and give him as much love and acceptance as your nerves will let you :)

Good luck, and safe delivery.

[alleyoop]

I vote for #1!

About a month before during 3, my great 2 year old started behaviors exactly like you are describing. Examples:
-See an apple in the supermarket, run over and pick up apple. I tell him to put it down; he looks strait at me and throws it on the floor.
-Running through house with complete abandon, spy’s full glass of milk on the table, hits it off the table while running by.
-Even though he used to very flexible, he was becoming very ridged. Saying that we "might" do something was now completely off limits.
-Crying over the littlest things, being destructive on purpose and really showing a complete lack of self-control.

Wow! We really got hit with the threes! Talking with many moms, I found out that it is not uncommon three behaviors and that most people agreed that 3's were much harder than 2's. DS is 4 months shy of 4 now and it is finally starting to improve. Some other factors that compounded our situation where that his little sis had just became mobile (and therefore required more supervision), he just finished potty training (and all the attention that went along with it) and he started pre-school. I think that all these things worked together to make for a very very difficult start to the 3's. Your situation is probably just as complex.

We made these couple changes to help get through those really tough months:
-Started the three-part correction method; Identification, explanation and consequence warning. Instead of saying "Tom, don't do that," I would say "Tom, please don't throw food. It makes a mess and if you do it again you will get a time-out." or "Tom! Don’t pull Martha's hair! Pulling hair hurts and if you do it again we will leave the park." Keep it all very simple. It was amazing how well that worked for us. A friend suggested this after she took her older son to a therapist for behavioral issues. The therapist said that some boys need the logic of the 3-part warning more than other kids.
-Tried very hard to have both his Dad and I give more alone time. Separated the kid's baths and gave him more time away from the baby.
-Took the maybes and might’s out of my vocabulary. We were either doing something or not, eating it or not. Drew pictures of sequences, prepped and prepped and prepped. Became much more predictable myself to put him at ease.

I wish you the best of luck. My sister put it well when she said that 3s are so hard because they have the abilities and speech of an older kid, but still have the emotions of a 2yo!

HTH,