Sibling Rivalry

[Raidra]

I haven't had much time to read up on sibling rivalry issues, and I'm wonder what's a normal amount of fighting between two young boys.

Colwyn really loves his brother, but he does get jealous and frustrated with him at times. I've caught him closing the door in Lachlann's face (actually hitting him occasionally), using his body to push Lachlann away from something Colwyn wants, kicking him, and nearly running him over with his ride-on trucks. Oddly enough, he does these things gently, so that Lachlann rarely gets hurt at all. Obviously, though, the intent is there. The boys get into those sort of situations maybe two or three times a day, but Colwyn won't stop unless I physically remove him from the situation.

Is that a normal amount of sibling rivalry for kids their ages? To be fair to Colwyn, he does give the baby lots of hugs and kisses, and is great about trying to cheer him up when he cries. They have their own little games that they play, and Colwyn gets a kick out of getting Lachlann to laugh or trying to teach Lachlann something.

Also, for those of you who use gentle discipline, how would you handle that situation? I prefer not to use time-outs, but I do require Colwyn to apologize to Lachlann and he'll normally hug and kiss him, too. I don't feel that it's fair to Lachlann to just give Colwyn a bit of a talking to, but I don't think it's fair to punish Colwyn since he doesn't actually end up hurting Lachlann or anything.

Anyway.. thoughts?

Thanks so much!

[Wife_and_mommy]

All you described sounded pretty low-key as far as sibling rivalry goes.

DS is still little but dd has tried to bite him(correction, has bitten him ;) )and has hit him a few times. I try to focus attention away from her when things happen or give her a time-out in her crib. I also have her give him a kiss which she does lovingly. I don't get it but it usually comes out of the blue for her as he really can't provoke her yet.

I'll be interested in other ideas you might get.



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[jeniferrlynne]

I was wondering if it is usually in front of you or if you have seen him act aggressively when he thinks you aren't looking?
I just wanted to chime in with my SIL's current experience similar to yours and what is working for them. Their kids are nearly 22 months apart, much like your situation (except their oldest is a girl). When baby brother came in February she became very aggressive i.e. hitting, scratching, throwing things at him, pinching, etc. This is all from a previously very well behaved little girl. They tried everything... Spanking, time out, using words like " that makes mommy/daddy very sad" everything. It became very apparent that she was doing this all for attention as she would quickly tell on herself after she had done it, even if they weren't in the room. She loved adults reactions/responses to her hitting the baby/her brother. So they began to use a praise and remove tactic with her. When she hit him or her new baby cousin or whoever. They would praise/love on and remove the victim and themselves from her.
She has gotten much better and has quicky learned her hitting has the opposite effect she desires which is attention placed on her. Now I know this is too complex for her to process but somehow it has sunk in that she will not receive even negative attention from her parents this way. Now it also helps that she is getting older by just turning 2 but I do believe their new approaches have had a great impact.
Just thought I would mention and let you know you are by no way alone!

[m448]

I just finished the book Siblings Without Rivalry and highly recommend it. It doesn't work off the ideal that your kids will love each other in some idealized image of siblings but that they will learn to live with each other and cooperate while opening your eyes as a parent to avoid the typical parent/siblings pitfalls. Very GD based.

As far as when the older one gets a bit rough I just do what I've always done. Comfort the hurt party, and give them the words to use (possibly within earshot of the child who hurt the other).

Marielle


Ian - born 10/03
&
Ryan - born 01/06

[kboyle]

My boys are about the same ages as your boys (Charlie 6/24/03 & Max 8/2/05) and Charlie seems to be acting the same way as Colwyn does...glad to know it not just my boys.

Charlie on the other hand isn't big on giving his baby bro any postive affection or attention even if Max is crying or hurt. He does get a kick out of making Max laugh.

If Charlie does hurt him he goes into a 2 minute time out (i started this a few months ago) and then he apologizes & kisses Max.

I got Siblings W/o Rivalry from the library, but didn't get much of a chance to actually read it, I skimmed the pages & it looked great, but by the time I found myself ready to pick it up, it was ready to be returned.

I think that once Max is actually stable & mobile & really able to "play" with charlie that he'll be more accepting of his baby bro...until then I think I'm just gonna have to deal with our little sibling rivalry. Well, till Max gets a little bigger, he already gaining on Charlie and is also quite strong. At 2 yrs apart, Max is only 10 lbs lighter than Charlie! But then again, Charlie is a little guy.