kijip
05-24-2006, 02:05 PM
I have received many emails asking how I was doing and while I like to respond to each person if I can, I thought I would do an update here.
I have found a new job, at a sizable jump in pay over my previous work. It is in the same non-profit field (children and family support) but with an older organization that is very financially stable. Even better, I get to work some from home (good for night owls) and I get a long weekend all summer long. There is certainly flexibility to do more schooling as well. While not linked directly to the separation, I do think that I pushed myself harder and asked for more financially in my job search than I would have before since I was working hard to establish myself as financially secure and independent.
While housing was up in the air for a bit, I have just moved into a great apartment in a great area. Toby has his first normally sized room and is ecstatic (lol) after being set up in the walk-in closet and a den before.
J's (my husband) and my agreement has worked out REALLY well so far. J and I take Toby to church on Sundays, then take him to breakfast and spend most of Sunday together as a family. We also have ended up eating dinner together many nights. J has Toby on Mondays and Wednesdays and that seems to be going well. J also helped me move and dealt with the headache of assembling Toby's room with me, which was only fair ;) .
J attends weekly sessions alone and also a men's group called "Men Against Abuse" or something like that. He had made a real effort and I see some of that paying off in his attitudes to the point that I am confident that we will try to get back to living together within the near future, say 6-7 months or so.
All in all, the space combined with the family time has been great to build up my confidence and to air in some sunshine so that J knows that many people are holding him to changing. J and I had a fundamentally strong relationship in terms of compatibility and expectations. We certainly were the last couple any of our IRL friends would have expected to split. He is working to let go of a lot of patterns learned in childhood and has decided that for the time being, his father is not going to have any contact with us but that he has to let the anger over his childhood. I had ben telling him for years that he had to forgive to move on but that did not mean that he had to expose himself to an abuser over and over again or minimize the damage that his parents, especially his dad, did.
We took a big step recently and went out together alone for the evening. We had a great time and it really is starting to feel like the best of our old relationship (which was most of our relationship). I can honestly say that I think this is best for me and not just what I think is best for Toby or the "whole family". I think that we will continue to do this periodically.
We have not attended joint sessions yet because I still believe that I can have no part in ending his periodic violent behaviors, that that is 110% his responsibility. But I will see someone with him later, once we have an idea of when we are getting back together.
I hope that how well Toby and I are doing post my marriage separation will help encourage mamas in tough grey situations/separations as well. Regardless of if your relationship is mend-able, know that you are all strong and will have a bright future. Just focus on what is best for you and for your children and don't allow your partner excuses and it will sort itself out. :)
I have found a new job, at a sizable jump in pay over my previous work. It is in the same non-profit field (children and family support) but with an older organization that is very financially stable. Even better, I get to work some from home (good for night owls) and I get a long weekend all summer long. There is certainly flexibility to do more schooling as well. While not linked directly to the separation, I do think that I pushed myself harder and asked for more financially in my job search than I would have before since I was working hard to establish myself as financially secure and independent.
While housing was up in the air for a bit, I have just moved into a great apartment in a great area. Toby has his first normally sized room and is ecstatic (lol) after being set up in the walk-in closet and a den before.
J's (my husband) and my agreement has worked out REALLY well so far. J and I take Toby to church on Sundays, then take him to breakfast and spend most of Sunday together as a family. We also have ended up eating dinner together many nights. J has Toby on Mondays and Wednesdays and that seems to be going well. J also helped me move and dealt with the headache of assembling Toby's room with me, which was only fair ;) .
J attends weekly sessions alone and also a men's group called "Men Against Abuse" or something like that. He had made a real effort and I see some of that paying off in his attitudes to the point that I am confident that we will try to get back to living together within the near future, say 6-7 months or so.
All in all, the space combined with the family time has been great to build up my confidence and to air in some sunshine so that J knows that many people are holding him to changing. J and I had a fundamentally strong relationship in terms of compatibility and expectations. We certainly were the last couple any of our IRL friends would have expected to split. He is working to let go of a lot of patterns learned in childhood and has decided that for the time being, his father is not going to have any contact with us but that he has to let the anger over his childhood. I had ben telling him for years that he had to forgive to move on but that did not mean that he had to expose himself to an abuser over and over again or minimize the damage that his parents, especially his dad, did.
We took a big step recently and went out together alone for the evening. We had a great time and it really is starting to feel like the best of our old relationship (which was most of our relationship). I can honestly say that I think this is best for me and not just what I think is best for Toby or the "whole family". I think that we will continue to do this periodically.
We have not attended joint sessions yet because I still believe that I can have no part in ending his periodic violent behaviors, that that is 110% his responsibility. But I will see someone with him later, once we have an idea of when we are getting back together.
I hope that how well Toby and I are doing post my marriage separation will help encourage mamas in tough grey situations/separations as well. Regardless of if your relationship is mend-able, know that you are all strong and will have a bright future. Just focus on what is best for you and for your children and don't allow your partner excuses and it will sort itself out. :)